Five Years

Five years ago today I let the feeling of hopelessness drain the very life force from me. At that moment, I no longer wished to exist. Everything that I had ever been didn't seem to make sense any more. What I wanted more than anything, was to feel nothing. I didn't want to feel sad, or as though I were a disappointment, or alone, never quite good enough for anyone else. I wanted numbness to wash over me, to wash away the pain that had seemed to haunt me for such a long time.

I think I grew tired of carrying around a mask that had become too heavy to bear. Every day I slipped it on, and the people around me saw what they came to believe was the true me...happy, sweet, loving. What they didn't know was that underneath it all I was dying. I hated feeling as though I were just there, merely existing to make others feel good about themselves. Nobody knew that at age twelve I had my first desires for death. I hated who I was. Everything about me made me cringe. I wasn't original. I was a copy of what others expected. As long as I made them happy, then it would be ok...but it wasn't. At age thirteen I vocalized my hatred and people were shocked. They couldn't believe that someone as great as me could not like themself. But, what if the person they knew, wasn't the real me at all.

Five years ago I was tired of trying to figure that out. I wanted to be me, but I didn't even know who that was. I lived so long for others that I didn't know how to live for myself. I remember so well taking that handful of muscle relaxers. I had no idea what I was putting in my body, what I did know was that I wanted it to be the last thing that went in my body.

I guess God had a different plan. Almost six hours after I had ingested the pills, God pumped my stomache. They said that they didn't know why I wasn't dead. And, even though most of the meds came out at my house, I wasn't in the clear. My heart rate was so low, they didn't know if I would make it through the night...and yet...I did.

I don't know why God chose to save me, but he did. And today I LIVE for Him! If you haven't...take some time to check out my page and watch the second video...it would mean a lot to me.