Casting the First Stone...

Do you ever wonder what it is in us that causes us to judge someone
else's choices? It has been somewhat of a theme for me over the last
few weeks. I have had to stand back and listen to people as they talk
about certain situations...and it all makes me wonder why we do it.
Don't get me wrong...I am not innocent of judgement. I have been
there...I have been the one who has seen someone's choices and made my
own judgement as to what they are doing wrong and what they should be
doing and who they are hurting or why they are doing what they are
doing...but really...I guess...it just seems pointless...Mostly we do
it without even knowing all of the circumstances...we sit back and
pretend we know what's going on...but we don't...

It just seems to me that we as Christians should be living up to a
higher standard...It's frustrating...because...it would be really easy
for someone to look at my life and judge my decisions, but they don't
know what I've been through or why I made those choices...so why do we
do it? Judge not, lest ye be judged...right? Who knows...I just had
something brought to my to attention today...and it really bothered me
that judgement was being given...I mean...we're not without sin...we
can't cast the first stone...yet..we do it every day...

Matthew 7:1-5
"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way as you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, `Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

Tonight

Today has been good...it's funny because I really was looking forward to going back to the new church today...but it seems as though God had other plans...and I am thankful he did...I don't know really how to explain it...only that...I feel lighter now...like the burdens that were weighing heavy on my shoulders are no longer there...

I feel free...

God and I have talked tonight...He has heard the cry of my heart...and I have heard His...

I have let myself be stagnant for far too long...today...I stand...ready to be more...ready to face whatever comes at me with the assurance that I am living every second for my Creator...it is not going to be an easy walk and there will be times when I fall...but...I know that His hand will pull me up when I can't go on alone...

Right now He is carrying me through all of this and I can't wait to see where my life is going...I am excited...He has renewed me...He has given me strength...

My Tears Don't Hurt This Time

...My heart might, but the tears feel as though they help. Somehow when I cry, it is as though the pain is slowly leaving me. What am I doing? What have I done? I am not me anymore...I am only a shallow shell of the person I was. When did I make that turn? When did I choose to be someone I'm not? I don't even know who I am anymore...I have become the girl behind the mask...

I don't like her so much these days...

I have let myself become someone who can be used by others...I am stronger than that...I thought I knew what I was doing...I thought I knew what I wanted...I thought they cared...

silly me...

I never wanted anything from them...I never wanted what I knew they could never give me...I just wanted to feel wanted...even if it was just an illusion...I knew it was an illusion...

Is this really so hard...to find someone who actually wants to be with me...I honestly thought there was something to me...but maybe I'm wrong...maybe all that I have ever tried to be...well...no one wanted her...and even now I only have illusions to follow me around...tomorrow maybe reality will come and then I won't be alone anymore...

I wanted nothing from them...and I suppose that's what I got..

...and so...I love...

Today...right now...at this moment...I am thankful for everything that I have experienced...everything that I have been through...and there are so many things that I love...and I just wanted to share them with you...

I love it when it rains...any kind of rain will do...but mostly when the gray clouds are out and it's one of those days where you just want to stay in bed and read a good book...or when the night has fallen and lightening makes the darkness disappear for a moment and the sound of thunder serenades you...I love that...

I love fall...but not fall here...fall up north where the leaves change to hues of red and gold...and the wind gets to the point where it almost bites you...you begin to dress warmer and everything tends to be more vibrant...I love everything about fall...even raking...I love the smell of the dying leaves and the way it feels to jump in a pile of them...all the while knowing you will have to rake them once more...I love jack-o-lanterns and little kid's costumes...I love Thanksgiving and what it means...not just a time to eat turkey but to truly be thankful for what you have...

I love snow...I don't love playing in it...but I love the way it makes everything look clean...how pure white can cover an entire hillside and take your breath away...I love to ski...down a mountain...the rush of wind against your face...somehow it clears your mind...you can't think of problems...all you think of is speed...and the way it makes you feel...I just love that...

I love kids...I love their brutal honesty...it makes wonder at what point we learn to tell lies...I love how sincere they are...how when they tell you they love you...you don't question it...because no matter what...you know they really do...I love it when they lay their head upon your shoulder...or when they grab your hand and say...I just want to know that you're here...I love kids...and I love what they bring to my life...

I love my family...they might not always make me happy and they rarely understand me...but they will ALWAYS love me...and I am so thankful for that...my mom and dad have taught me so much about what it means to be a good person...and I hope that I have made them proud...my little brother is a blessing and he brightens my life...and his girlfriend is my pea pod...she's so like me and we are blessed by her...my sister is my sharpening tool...if I didn't have her...I wouldn't be who I am today (and that's a good thing)...her husband...well...he's blessed...and blessed us...she is SO lucky...and I love that for her...

I love the way it feels to just sit with a guy...his arm around you...not having to say a thing...just a mutual understanding that all you want at that moment is each other...I love the way kisses feel...and how when lips brush against my neck I laugh...I love when a guy looks you in the eyes and at that moment you are the only two people who exist...I love feeling wanted...and I enjoy that feeling in the pit of my stomach that says...this is love...this is really love...

I love clothes and shoes...I like putting them on...mixing them up and deciding why I look the way I do...I just do...

I love my friends...I love how they make me laugh and how an inside joke can go on forever...I love how they each bring something different to my life...and I love how recently I have developed many female friendships...they help me through this thing called life...and they bring joy to my life...if I didn't have them...well...life would never be quite as interesting...

I love the ocean...the sound of the waves...the calm that can come from just sitting there early in the morning...beauty before you...it makes me realize how much God has given us...

...and so...I love...

Alone

Ok...another random rant for the faithful few who actually read these things...

I always believe that standing in line when you shop is a testing ground for patience...tonight...I've never wanted to say something to someone...NEVER...but tonight...I had 14 items in my cart...so I didn't go to the 10 item check out...because I always feel bad about doing that...right as I passed it...she motioned for this couple who had at least 50 items in their cart...and I was like...you've got to be kidding me...seriously?...this is so not happening right now...I just stood there...thinking...this is such a silly thing to get upset about...and I don't know why I am letting it get to me...the only thing I could think was that for the last few things I have been hyper sensitive about everything...and this was just another case where I was way too...sensitive...

I sat typing a letter to a friend today...and again...I cried...and it's over stuff that is dumb...and I know that I shouldn't let it bother me...but it does...I guess at a certain point you hope that the things that have brought you down in the past will just go away...that somehow you are over the fact that you are single and no one wants you...or that you want to be wanted...but you don't want to settle...you want to be sold out...but you're tired of trying...A good friend of mine told me today...keep running the race...but I am so tired...I barely feel that I can pull through any more...

The thing that bothers me...is that I truly do love my life...my job is amazing...and while I'm working...life is great...it's when I am alone...(which ends up being a lot of time)...that it's hard for me...I am such a social person...I love to be with people...and...right now...I just feel lonely...in more ways than one...

Today one of my guy friends was talking to me about this girl...and as I listened to him...I just thought...I wish someone wanted me like that...I wish someone loved me like that...why does this all have to be so complicated...and why isn't it my turn...I know...I've said this so many times...I guess...I'm just tired of waiting...I will...wait...but it doesn't feel like a choice any more...and that's all I've ever wanted to believe it was...but guess what...I DO NOT CHOOSE TO BE ALONE...and yet...here I am...alone...

I love my friends...and I know that people care about me...but I don't think I've ever felt this alone in my entire life...

so...if you think about it...send up a prayer for me...that I can find a place where I belong...where people want me...where I no longer feel alone...

My tears hurt...and I don't want to hurt any more...

sorry for this bitter diatribe...my heart just doesn't feel whole right now...and...I want to be whole...

the end

To Stop Thinking Would Be Bliss

This is going to be a somewhat random rant of things I love, things I hate...and things I just can't decide whether I love them or hate them...

I hate pimples...I don't understand why today I have like five...seriously...I wash my face...rarely wear make up...am I stressed? Maybe I'm stressing myself out and my body is taking it out on me...grrr...I just hate them...

I hate bras...my favorite part of every day is when I get to take it off...the thing that counfounds me though is the fact that I genuinely like wearing a sports bra...and sometimes...they're great...but tonight...well...I hated it!!!

I hate that for some reason when doing my eyebrows I have been taking out small chunks of my eyelashes...not only is that not good...IT HURTS!!!

I hate not having friends here...or not having had the time to make any...I don't want to miss Bartow...but I do...and I hate that you don't want to be in a place until you are no longer there...

I hate that I miss being a teacher...I hate that I miss my kids...and my classroom...I HATE IT!!!

Now...here are some of the things I love...

I love my three beautiful children that I get the priveledge of spending almost every day with...I love who they are...even when I don't like who they are being...they make me wake up every day (and not just because they are loud)...I love them!

I love the beach...the sound of the waves, the water, the sun...I love the ocean...I want to go out on a boat...I love being this close to the beach...it is amazing!

I love my family...my mom and dad...my sister and my brothers...ha ha...I love saying that...I love that my sister is now married to the love of her life...(I do hate that a small part of me is jealous though)...

I love Lana and Rach and how they make me feel missed...and how they make me laugh...and how they tell me NO...because they know I need to hear that! They have been amazing over the last few weeks...seriously...

I love that feeling you get when you have butterflies because someone sent you a text or called you in the middle of the night...the way it feels to be wanted...the way it feels to want to be wanted...

I love long walks on the beach, bonfires, daisies, a guy who will open every door for me...someone who loves me for me (that in itself is a tall order)...someone who looks past my flaws....I love that I know that there will come a day when I will marry the love of my life...

The things I'm not sure of...

well...

I'm not sure...

There are things that run through my head...that I wonder how to make it go away...how to breathe in and breathe out without having to think about it...to not think...just for a little while...that would be nice...

Anyways...I told you this would be a random rant...and there is was...and now it's done...later days...