I Thought I Was Stronger

I do not have a boyfriend on purpose. There is good reason in why I stay single, and that mostly has to do with the fact that I don't like to hurt. My relationships have been few and far between, and I have not had much luck when it comes to guys.

When I was younger I dreamed of getting married when I was 18 (I know! Who knew 18 was so young when you're 10?!?!?!). Then I got into college and thought, this is where I will find the love of my life, get married and have tons of little me's. When that didn't happen, I felt stuck. I didn't know where to go with my life, because everything I had planned on wasn't coming true. I thought for the longest time that there must be something wrong with me and that nobody would ever want to be with me.

I remember when I was in middle school and all of my friends had "boyfriends" and I thought I was missing out on something. Then I got into high school and thought that guys would never like a girl who was fat, because I knew I was fat. I was "one of the guys" and had TONS of friends who were guys...but I never felt like guys could ever really like me as more than that.

When I moved to Florida I met this guy who I thought was amazing. He swept me off my feet. Knew all of the right things to say. Made me believe that this was it. He was the one. I just knew it! Turned out he was far from that, for which I am extremely grateful. He's a decent guy who has an amazing family, it just wasn't meant to be and I thank God that He knew that more than we did.

The entire time I was in college I didn't date one guy. I liked a lot of guys. I had crushes. There were some I just knew I was destined to marry. Alas, that was not the case. I stood at the end of my time in college with a degree, amazing friendships, and my single status. There were many tears shed and a lot of heartache with not understanding why God would leave me by myself when everyone else seemed to be finding their stride and taking off.

After college I dated this one guy who was more or less a stopgap. I needed someone to make me feel wanted, and he met that need. It didn't last long. Three months maybe. After that I was fine being single. That "fineness" didn't last long though.

If you look back through my blog you notice a trend of times of contentment and times of loneliness. There are so many books out there about how to be happy being single, and how to find the right man...I think that if I were to write a book like that, it would be titled "It's ok if you think being single sucks". I don't know who decided that it wasn't ok to be a tad bitter/jealous/upset about the fact that other people find someone sooner than you. I am completely happy for all of my friends out there who have met the right one and have started their families. I know that right now there is so much that I am doing that I couldn't do if I had those responsibilities, but that doesn't mean that from time to time it doesn't hurt a little. That doesn't mean that from time to time I don't wish I had someone who was mine.

In the last few years I feel like I have rotated between harmless flirtations to serious heart-wrenching could-have-been love. I don't work well with other people. I have been single for so long that I don't quite know how to be anything but single. When I am in a relationship, of any kind really, I give it my all. If I don't feel like the other person is giving as much as I am, then I feel alone and why be alone with someone, when I can be alone by myself?

There are days when I feel like I am ready to share my life with someone. Like, somehow, I can make it work. That I could love someone with everything. That I could be a little less selfish. That I could make someone happy. I think that's the thing about it. I know that if I could find the right guy, he would never have worry about my love. I am going to make some man very happy.

I thought I was stronger than this. I put on my game face and pretend that things are fine, but I am hurting inside and I don't want anyone to know it. Of course, I'm writing this and if you're reading this, you now know it. Small flaw in my plan.

I will make it past this and I will be fine. I know this, because I've done it before. I think each time I do get a little stronger, but that never makes it easier.

Things That Make Me Smile

http://imterriblyawkwardwithboys.tumblr.com/

I just can't help myself. These two are brilliant! Make me smile and I'll love you forever!

Get a Room...or at Least an Inbox!

We, as human beings, desire a connection. We want to feel as though we belong to something. This is why social networking is so popular because it gives us this sense that we are connected to people and that we belong to something bigger than ourselves. This is of course false. Social networking only makes us FEEL like we're connected, but it doesn't actually connect us to people. This is not a Facebook bash. If anyone knows me, they know I spend a good amount of time on Facebook, especially during my slow times of the year, but that doesn't mean that I feel connected to the people I am friends with on there.

I have over 800 friends on my Facebook, but out of those 800 "friends" I rarely ever talk to more than twenty to thirty on a regular basis. There are some that I have never posted on their wall and they have never posted on mine. There are others who I haven't seen in years and who I may never see again. It amazes me sometimes the people who send me requests. One of my friends posted yesterday, "Why do people send you friend requests if you never talk". I said it's because we are all secret stalkers. Seriously though, it is this deep sense of needing to feel connected that causes us to expand our "friends" list.

Sometimes I feel like my Facebook is an ever changing yearbook. I do love keeping up with the people I went to college with and see where their lives have taken them, to see their ever growing families, and to see the amazing things that they are up to. Whether or not I "talk" to them on a regular basis has little to do with why I have them added on Facebook. I like to know that I am not the only one of my friends who loves the beach, or gets sad when they watch a certain movie, or that I'm not the only person my age who still hasn't found the love of their life. I do feel as though it's about the bigger picture, about not wanting to be alone in this world and taking anything we can get, even if it is only interaction with a screen.

All of that being said, I do wish that people would spend more time with me outside of that little world we've created on the www. Alas, it does not happen as often as I'd like. I try to stay truly connected as much as I can, but it's difficult.

As far as the title of this blog is concerned...well...just because we are "connected" doesn't mean I want to see all of the cute mushiness that comes along with being a Facebook couple. Seriously, it's sickening. Ok...some of it's kind of sweet, but there are days (and I'm going to assume that I'm having one now) that I look at that stuff and think, really, really, you are going to put all of that saccharin laced verbiage out there for the world to see. End rant? I guess I will, for today, end my rant and let go of the fact that although I complain about the sweetness, if I were being totally honest, it is because I am jealous. But, shh, don't tell anyone.

My Tendency to Overthink

I think that my tendency to overthink has something to do with the fact that I am a female. I am not sure if the male brain is programmed to overthink, but I know that I do it on a regular basis. And this isn't even in reference to my dealings with the opposite sex, although I will touch on this in a little bit...I am talking about over analyzing every little thing in life.

Let's take for example, a recent interaction with a close friend. All of the sudden she had disappeared. She was no longer my friend on Facebook, so I did a search for her and couldn't find her anywhere...so I wasn't the only one who no longer had her as a friend. So I tried to text her and she didn't answer. All of the sudden, all I could think was, what did I do wrong? I was devastated really. I couldn't imagine what I could have done that would have made her not want to talk to me anymore. Well today, I got a note from her on my desk at work. She had stopped by and said we had tons to catch up on and that she was having her phone turned back on Thursday. I felt so incredibly silly, but this is how my brain works.

I would love to be nonchalant about everything, but that is not how I am programmed. Most days I pretend that it doesn't rip my heart out that people I once considered my best friends no longer have time for me. I have had to push them out of my head because it hurts really bad and cuts pretty deep. I have a rough exterior...I consider it my greatest form of self-defense. But on the interior...I'm soft as mush. I would imagine I'm very similar to a turtle. I have a tough shell that protects me from the great big, ugly world, but without that shell I wouldn't last very long. I am the same way. I have that rough exterior because I know without it I wouldn't survive.

I generally don't let many people past that rough exterior (most people probably think they are, but that's the brilliance in my design). I have been hurt too many times to let people do it again, which is why I have to push these people to the side. I just got tired of making people a priority when I was only an option for them (I know...not very original). I'm better than that though, really. I deserve to have people in my life who want to spend time with me (what a crazy concept). So...I suck it up and climb back into my shell and let these things pass by me knowing that I can easily get to the other side.

So much for not overthinking things...

Now...when it comes to the opposite sex. I have decided that they are simpler than we make them...so I don't spend as much of my energy trying to figure them out. The key to not overthinking is to not think at all. I believe I will leave you with that jewel and let you ponder it's supreme genius.

Leadership

Today I submitted an assignment for my master's class on my definition of leadership and I felt like sharing. So feel free to take a peek and see if you could agree with my view of this word.

Leadership. This is a word that means different things to different people. I see leadership as the ability to guide people in a certain direction without force, to lead people in a direction that they feel a part of, and to be an inspiration through example. Telling people what to do and convincing people to do something are two completely different approaches to getting things done. Many believe that being in a position of authority makes you a leader, but it takes more than that. A leader is someone who can influence those around them without using their authority to do it. 

 Leadership creates an environment of high morale that leads to productive outcomes. It is impossible to lead when those around you begin to doubt what is going on or believe that they are not a part of it. Creating a sense of self-investment fosters the idea that the outcome is not only beneficial to all parties involved, but is also essential to the individual’s role in the company. This type of leadership creates a win-win environment where each person is directly affected by the plan of action. 

Without strong leadership an idea or concept will remain just that, an idea or concept. It takes a great leader to see those ideas and concepts to fruition, and it is taking the initial step out of the box that inspires people to follow them through that process. To lead by example is what people are looking for. People are looking to be inspired. Leadership understands these principles and uses them to make things happen. 

Like I said, I just kind of felt like sharing. I felt as though this were an excellent description of leadership and I would be able to defend it without a doubt.

Addiction or Obesession

I have a problem. I have too many addictions, or maybe they are obsessions. I suppose I am not quite sure which they are. So...I looked them up...

Addiction is defined as a compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful.

Obsession is defined as a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling; broadly : compelling motivation.

Looking at these two different definitions I would probably say that I have more of an obsession than anything else. I hate them. I watch too much tv. I prefer to be lazy and not go to the gym. I think I tend to have a bit of an obsessive personality. When I like something or want something I am stuck on it. I sit around and think about it and I can never seem to get it out of my head. I don't know why I am like this or why I can't seem to get past it. And why? WHY? Can my obsessions not be healthy ones. You know...like going to the gym and eating rabbit food? *smile* I tend to hold on to these things that drive me down and make me feel less about myself.

I have always considered most of my habits to be addictions. I am addicted to Tijuana Flats. I am addicted to certain television shows. I am addicted to music and I am addicted to these thoughts of you. I just don't feel as though I can call them obsessions, but maybe I am wrong.

I think it is time to form some healthy obsessions. I will try to go to the gym more often. I will try to turn off the television. I will read more. I will save money. I will be obsessive about these things. I mean...if I have these obsessive, destructive habits, what's to say that I can't form equally benefiting obsessions that will lift me up and make me better?

That is my new goal I believe. Out with the old Jessica and in with the new! Here we go. Let's get obsessed!

Jumping in Head First

Let's jump head first in to the shallow water. We might not survive, but at least we can say we took the risk.

I think that the risk of heartbreak might be the single greatest risk that one could ever take. They say it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but is it really? I don't think anyone could convince me that experiencing love could truly be worth the loss. I suppose I say this because I have never been that close to real, genuine love. When I do get close I run as far away as I can. I can't remember one guy who I let in that didn't hurt me in some way, and so I leave up this barricade that keeps them out.

So here we are, standing on the cliff knowing that we could be risking it all and trying to weigh out whether or not the risk is worth it. Your heart has been mishandled and you're not sure that you want to take the chance that it might be bruised again, or worse yet, broken. I have yet to find someone who I believe can truly love me, and I'm still not sure that you are that guy. Neither of us wants to take the step, but we are both tired of staring at the water. It should be easier, this whole love thing, but it's not. I feel as though I go round in circles waiting for someone to stop me and say, "hey...go that way", and get me out of this eternal groove. I need to break out of this reel that has me continually coming back to this same exact place.

I think mostly I am scared that you could actually be the one. I never actually imagined that love would be slow growing. I always thought it would be instantaneous. I believed that I would be swept off my feet and madly in love, but this feeling that I have right now has developed over time. This feeling has grown from respect and admiration. It was never my intent to fall for you, and I don't want to admit that I have. I pretend as though you mean nothing to me, yet all the while you have burrowed your way in my heart. Stupid burrowing man who has taken residency in my heart...you're like an infestation. And yet, I cannot deny that you have my complete attention. I'm addicted to you, and I'm not quite ready to break the addiction.

So...do we jump, or are we just going to stand here and stare at the possibilities?