My Heart on a String

The last two months have been an extreme emotional roller coaster. I feel like there have been so many more downs than ups and those downs have been pretty painful. I didn't realize that love, when not returned, could be this hard to handle. I remember my first heartbreak. I was 17 years old. I thought that I was in love. I thought...this guy has to be the right guy. He knew all the right things to say, and I was willing to believe all the lines he fed me. Four months later I was crying myself to sleep in my parent's bed as they tried to get me to breathe through it. I just knew it was the end of the world.

I remember the second time I thought I had met "Mr. Right". I thought we had one of those stories that would be cute to tell when we were older. How I didn't understand why he was such a big deal. Or how I thought he was joking when he said that he liked me. I thought I had found this really great guy who could actually be The One. Silly me. He was just interested in the game. I had to pry it out of him that he had gotten a girl friend in the middle of our story. How did I not see this.

I think it's kind of funny, looking back now, how many tears I wasted on those two guys. I put my heart out on the line...thinking they would keep it safe.

This heartbreak that I am going through now is different. This guy started out as my friend. The first few months that I worked at my new job I thought I was going to quit every day. One day I was so upset and I remember going to this guy, this guy that I barely knew, and I cried in front of him. He calmed me down and made me see things rationally. From that point on, he was my friend. We had known each other a year before our friendship turned into flirtation. And for the last two and a half years our friendship has grown into this thing that I don't even know how to define.

There were two other times...February of last year and November of last year...where he hurt me and I cried. I thought things were over. I don't know why this time hurts so bad. I just know that my heart almost feels as though it no longer works the same.

I told him last week that I was going to give him a month. Let him really think about our relationship. If he still doesn't want me...then I'll leave him alone. The truth is...I'm pretty sure that even if I give him a month...he's still not going to pick me. Which is really unfortunate. I think we would have been good together. Obviously, this is just another bump on the road to finding the right guy. Probably the hardest bump I've ever had to go over.

I love this man. Yes. I said it, where other people can read about it. I fell in love. He's smart, funny, a complete nerd (which he would deny vehemently!), cultured, well traveled, driven. He makes me feel alive when I'm with him. There are times when he is a complete ass hole (sorry, there really is no other word for him, I promise) and makes me feel like a moron...but he always redeems himself.

A few months ago I was having a really bad day and he told me I should come over. I had been bugging him about watching the latest episode of Game of Thrones. He let me lay on his bed, made me dinner, and then let me watch tv. It's funny how much that meant to me. He probably doesn't think about that night.

He tells me he loves me and that he cares about me, and he doesn't seem to understand that those words don't mean much when there's no action behind them. I am absolutely sure that I will make it through this. I'll get to the other side and know exactly why I had to walk through the pain. I will be stronger. But I'm scared that this is going to keep me from being open to the possibility that someone could actually REALLY love me.

Writing

This is a picture of my latest writing utensil purchase. I have an addiction. Type writers, pens, notebooks...I can't quite get enough of them. There is something about putting words to paper that makes you really live. Words are freeing. They give hope. They bring peace. They are powerful. They can also tear down. Destroy. Kill.

I love to write. To bring my thoughts to life and let them dance upon a page. They help me live. I don't write as much as I should. I don't stretch myself but I think it's time to start. I want to live again and I think the only way I can do that is to write! It's time do dust the cobwebs from the deep recesses of my imagination and to let myself live again. To being to life the characters I have kept hidden for too long.

Today it is vital that I let myself have the chance to live through my words...it is time again to let myself pwrite and not be afraid of rejection.

He Calls Me Beautiful

He says I'm gorgeous. He calls me beautiful. He holds nothing back when it comes to the fact that he wants to spend time with me and get to know me. I am both flattered and flabbergasted. I know that I am pretty and funny. I am witty and charming, but that doesn't keep me from being in a state of awe when a guy is interested in me. I always find it rather ironic that I don't understand why guys aren't interested in me, but the moment they are I wonder why. How does that even work?

I don't know how to explain the fact that I exude confidence but somehow cringe at the idea of a compliment. When someone genuinely tells me I'm beautiful I can't take it seriously. I think somehow there is a hidden camera show that I have become a part of and someone is going to hop out at any moment and say, ha...just kidding.

I want to be open to new possibilities, but the unknown scares me for the most part. I hope that I can at least explore the possibility that someone could find me that attractive. I want to give him a chance...to let him take me to dinner...or walk around the lake...I want to not revert back to the shy girl who doesn't believe someone would be interested in her, but I want to be that amazingly strong woman who knows any guy would be lucky to have her.

Ultimately, I believe that I am beautiful and that one day someone that I believe is worth my time will step up to the plate and be the man I've always imagined I'd be with. I know, without a doubt, that I deserve to be happy more than anything else...so that's what I will do. This guy is a kid who thinks he's smooth...but the truth is...I'm too old for lines that the younger me would have fallen for. I want realism, not romance. I want to be swept off my feet by someone who I can be real with...that is what I find to be something worth waiting for.

Analogy

One thing I would like to do this year is find a church that I want to attend regularly. It's been such a long time since I felt at home in a church. I was thinking about it tonight and feel that I have come up with the perfect analogy for how I feel about church/ministry right now.

I would equate the way I feel about ministry to that of an injured athlete. Let's say, for example, that I had been a star soccer player, one of the best on the team (I'm not saying I was one of the best Christians out there, but I was heavily involved in ministry), and then I suffered a severe injury that left me unable to play the game I love. Even after physical therapy, I am not the same athlete as I was before, and there are times that I don't feel like trying because I don't feel as though I will ever be good enough again.

I constantly feel this way when it comes to my spiritual walk. I have been hurt. I am bitter and angry and feel meanness in my heart towards people. I don't want to feel this way, but I don't know how to get up off the bench and try again. Even if I'm not the same player, at least I'm in the game, right? I don't want to get burnt again.

Funny thought I just had...I have this guy in my life, and I keep going back to him, knowing that in the end I'm going to get hurt again...so why is it I'm willing to keep letting him break my heart, but I'm not willing to let the church hurt me again? Maybe it's because I feel like those are the people who should love me no matter what...I don't really know. What I do know is that I have been injured and I just can't seem to bring myself back around to even a fraction of the desire I used to have to play the game.

I need to get out of this and get back on track, but I honestly don't know if I can.

Messed Up In the Head

So, over the last week I have been exceptionally clingy. I enjoy having a conversation every now and then but I generally don't feel the need to talk to the person all day, every day. For some reason though, I've been on a texting rampage and can't seem to back off. I don't know if the people I'm texting are annoyed, but I know I'm getting on my own nerves :-/ It's been slightly more than ridiculous, so last night, I laid in bed and thought about it.

Why in the world do I suddenly feel this need to be wanted? Then it hit me. It was like this gigantic light went off in my head. My best guy friend is no longer my best guy friend. He was the guy I could get the male perspective from, and then, all of the sudden, he was out of my life. He even deleted me from Facebook, or at least he hasn't added me back since I alerted him to the fact that we aren't friends anymore.

He has a new girlfriend. And I guess I understand that means things have changed and that somehow we can never be the friends that we once were...but it sucks and it has completely messed me up in the head. So...that is why this last week I have felt desperate to have the connection of best guy friend, and why I have completely driven myself, and probably others, crazy. I don't like being needy, because I like to consider myself a rather self-sufficient person. I need to let go of this and to let myself realize that not having that connection for right now is going to be ok.

I can survive without it, but I hope with all my heart that God sends someone my way who will fill that gap. I need that connection. So, if you were one of those that I drove crazy (and there's really only one person that this possibly effected) I sincerely apologize.

Living My Life Through Someone Else's Eyes

Today I was having a conversation with my cousin, and she said, "I think it's good that you don't care what anybody else thinks" and I told her that "I wished that I never cared about what people think...but sometimes I do" and she said..."You don't act like it." What I love the most about this conversation is that I generally feel like I care what people think too much. How amazing it is to think about what other people think when they look at you and watch you  life.

I thought about how she must see me and I realized that I am not like most people my age. I have different priorities and a different idea of what fun is.This, of course, tends to leave me lonely most of the time. I have tons of friends, but I don't have a group of friends that I can hang out with and who enjoy doing the same things that I do. I try to step out of my bubble of what I consider "my world" and try to explore others' but I always find myself going right back to where I know I belong.

I told one of my closest friends that I wanted to get dressed up and go out to bring in the new year. We were VIP at a club in downtown St. Pete. It was my first time to ever step foot into a club. I had fun. We danced a lot and laughed a lot, but most everyone there was drunk, they were dancing all up on each other (I stayed in a group with a few girls and we were even dancing pretty close). And there was a moment when I stood there and thought, I don't want this to be my life. I don't want to go to clubs and get wasted. There has to be more to life than that. I don't feel like this makes me a stick in the mud, I think it just means that, again, I have different priorities and a different definition of fun.

My cousin seems to think that this means I don't care about what others think, and I guess to some extent she's correct, but more than anything, last night taught me something about myself. I learned that I know myself better than I give myself credit for. I am 30 years old and I've never been to a club for a reason. I knew, even before I was there, that  it wasn't my scene. Like I said, I had a blast, but I probably would have had just as much fun, at home, with my parents and in bed by 12:01.

I look forward to all that this year has in store and I can't wait to see where my life is headed and where I will end up. 2012 is my year of possibilities and I am open to all that comes my way. I hope that I can also live my life so that I don't base my decisions on what others think...