So Me...

Today I woke up and began wondering where my life is going. Am I headed up, or down? Where will I be a month from now, a year, two years, five years? I don't want a crystal ball to predict the future, but it would be nice to have an idea of the direction in which I am going. I want to be on a path. I feel like I am often freewheeling. I have no clear direction and I am getting closer to the dreaded 25. I am scared of being alone, I am scared of failing, and I am scared that I will never make a difference in the world.

I want to have a major impact on the world, even if it is only a small part of the world. I want to get out of Lake Wales (sorry to all of my Lake Wales friends) but I know that I can't go back to Kentucky (no offense to my peeps in Kentucky). I am confused with where my life is going, and I hate that. I used to be more focused. I used to have a handle on where I was going...what is going to happen to me...where am I going?

So confused,
Jess

The Greatest of These is Love

It has been a while since I have written in my blog. I have been gone on a spiritual journey, seeking God's guidance for my life. I have been running away from Him for way too long. For the last two weeks I have been running TOWARDS Him as fast as I can. My life has been up in the air for far too long and now I want God to have a hold of it. I want Him to lead me and guide my steps.

You all know that my biggest struggle is being alone, but this year I choose not to think of it as being alone, but as being free to minister in every area that God calls me. I have this really great friend, more like a brother really, who made me cry as he wrote to me, praying that I would be content in myself. I know that I generally am not content with me. I have hated myself for so many years. People are always confused by that statement, because most people love me. I am a very fun and nice person, but I often struggle to be happy with me. I am always seeing ways in which I fall short. I thank each of you for your encouragement. Be praying for me, that God would continue to bless me with this outlook. I don't want to dwell in my loneliness. I want to be content in my life.

Don't get me wrong, I am still looking for the man of my dreams, and if anyone has a man they would like to point in my direction...they can feel free...lol...just be praying that God would bring us together, that those two pieces of the puzzle would finally fit as one. You guys are amazing...all my love!

Jess

Quote

I much prefer the sharpest criticism of a single intelligent man to the thoughtless approval of the masses

Alone for the Holidays

I read this bulletin from Rachel and wanted to repost it here. It made me cry because I am so many of those things. I hate feeling like I will never be good enough. I hate this feeling of inadequacy. I want, just once, to mean something to someone. I hate the tears that fall down my face, because each one reminds me that I am alone. Will I ever find someone who loves me the way that someone is meant to be loved?

I have only been in love once and I suppose that person knows who they are, but I would die if they ever admitted it. I loved him, and I still do (although in a different way). I'm scared that I will never love anyone else that much (and that REALLY, REALLY scares me). I think more than anything this is why I don't like this time of the year, because, even surrounded by so many people, I feel so very alone.

I truly believe that the only thing left for me to do is give up. I will never find love, and I have to be ok with that. Please don't give me the "Jessica you will find someone," "Jessica you are a beautiful person," "Jessica, everything is going to work out." Honestly, I've heard now for almost six years...I just can't keep hoping only to be continuously disappointed.

Please forgive my Christmas downer, but this is how I feel right now. Struggling for breath and bleary-eyed from tears. I leave with a Merry Christmas.

Until Next Time



-To every girl who wants to be called beautiful not hot.


-To every girl that will spend her whole day looking for the perfect birthday present for you.


-To every girl who gets her heart broken because he chose the other girl instead.


-To every girl who is nice to everyone no matter who they are.


-To every girl that would die to have a decent boyfriend.


-To every girl that won't settle for the jerk.


-To every girl who would just like once to be treated like a princess.


-To every girl that cries at night because of another HeArTBrEaK.


-To every girl that won't get down on her knees and open her mouth just to get a boyfriend.


-To every girl that just wants to hold hands.


-To every girl that kisses him with meaning.


-To every girl who just wishes he CARED.


-To every girl that just wants to cuddle.


-To every girl that just wants to sleep (no sex) with him.


-To every girl that is scared to put her heart out there again because she has been hurt so many times. (so true!)


-To every girl who shows how much she cares and gets nothing back.


-To every girl that thought maybe this could be the one.


-To every girl that believes in her dreams.


-To every girl that would do anything so she could achieve them.


-To every girl that laughs at stupid stuff when she actually does think it is funny.


-To every girl who is just looking for that one and only and is having a rough time along the way.


-To every girl that has been cheated on because she's not the kind of girl who gives it up to any guy.


-To every girl that doesnt want a guy who just plays wit her emotions but actually CARES about how she feels.


-To every girl who wants words backed up with actions.


- To every girl that fell for all the lies only to find themselves alone in the end.


**To every girl that gave her heart away to have it shoved back in her face.**

THIS ONE IS FOR YOU.

Unchained and Unfree

Do you ever feel as though your life is nothing but a paradox? You live in a moment when your being pulled in two different directions. Nothing makes sense and everything makes sense. You want everything and nothing. Your life is pulling you apart and you don't know how to stop it.

My life is constantly pulling me in different directions. I see my life through clouded goggles and I wonder if things will ever be clear again. I know that life is never easy and always difficult, but there are days when I wish I were a child again and I didn't even have to make the simple choices. Have you noticed that the older you get the more responsibility you have? ALWAYS LET YOUR MOM PICK OUT YOUR CLOTHES!!!! I mean really, that is such a simple choice, yet we make it so difficult. What to eat, what to do, where to go, how to live...we begin to be bombarded with choices and we learn that we don't know as much as we always thought we did.

I want to be a child again, when the toughest choice was red or orange (popsicle that is). I feel as though I am free to make my own choices, but bound by society and parental expectations. I want to be free, yet I want to be the child again, where everything is so simple, everything is so easy.

I suppose we shall see. I look forward to the year ahead. I'm sure it will be full of even more adventures and I plan on sharing all of them with you. Stay tuned...this is going to be a wild ride!

Lost in Anticipation

I haven't written in a while, for my few and faithful I do apologize. I guess there really hasn't been a lot going on my life as of recent. I am working on the end of school. I have two more days and then it's over. I haven't spent much time thinking on my guy problems, or lack there of. I guess I have been thinking a lot about my future. Where do I want to go, what do I want to do, when will I ever figure all of this out...I am ready to start a family. I would like to be a mom in the next two to three years...but I am worried that is not the plan for me. I want it to be so badly, but I have this aching feeling that I will never get that opportunity.

I want stop pretending that I am ok with it. Everyone says that it will happen when you least expect it. They say that you will find it when you are satisfied with where you are at...what I want to know is why didn't it. I've been in those places where I was happy with my life, when everything was going great and I wasn't looking for anyone...Why didn't it happen then? Why do I have to keep waiting. This waiting thing is killing me...not waiting for the right person, but waiting to find out whether or not I am ever going to find that person.

I saw my ex tonight. For the first time in almost a year. It was crazy. We didn't really talk, but he reminded me of the failed relationship that I so desperately clung to. I wanted to be able to say I was over everything that happened, I wanted to be able to say that I had moved on, and that there was a man in my life. Not a boy...a man...I wanted to, but instead I was bitterly reminded that I am alone. I have not moved on, I have not moved past it. Who knows, maybe I am scared of commitment. Maybe I am scared that I will never be good enough.

There is another thing that is persistently threatening me. I have the problem with my self-esteem. I see these other girls and think..."Why WOULDN'T a guy rather be with them than me?"...I know that there is so much more that I have to offer than a great body. I have an amazing personality. I get along with so many people. I'm funny, I make people laugh...but I am always the bridesmaid and never the bride...Wishing the day would come sooner...
Jess

Dinner with the "Girls"

Last night I sat at Beef O'Brady's with my good friends Gin and Drea. Talk is never cheap with them, and we maxed out our credit cards last night. There were a few times when I couldn't catch my breath I was laughing so hard! Here are a few quotes from dinner...not that anyone will actually understand our random ramblings...but they sure were funny...and who knows, if you ask I might actually tell you...

"You'll never guess what I found in my parents' bedroom..." - Jess

"It's like eating Chocolate..." - Drea

"You don't want to eat chocolate with your roommate..." - Jess

"Dark Chocolate is the best..." -Drea

"Did you know that women eat more chocolate than men?" - Gin

"Wait, do you mean chocolate...or "chocolate"?" - Drea

Oh ladies...I can't even think of more...well none that wouldn't be embarrassing for me...thanks for the comments...

Jess

Fighting Within...

Last night I felt something stirring within me. I wanted to jump and scream and shout! I have come to a point again where my spirit is sensitive to what is going on around me. I see things and God begins to reveal specifics to me. I know that I am nowhere near perfect, but I felt something in the pit of my stomach last night. If we as Christians cannot get along, if we cannot turn the other cheek, then how are we to minister to those outside the church, or even in it. We need to begin holding ourselves to a higher standard. Are we living like we should? Are we taking the steps neccessary to be called a Christian?

I believe Satan is trying all he can to tear down the walls of unity in the church, and until we fight against him, he will continue to succeed. I want to see the church begin to heal within, because a broken church cannot minister to a broken people. We must be whole in order to help them become whole. I am ready to take this stand. I am ready to do what it takes to bring unity and wholeness back to Christianity. We cannot take the splinter out of our brother's eye when we ourselves have a plank.

Do not take these words lightly...but take them as a challenge. Join me in this fight and we will stand a better chance.

Keep Him First,
Jess

I don't know...

This weekend has been interesting...and not interesting all in one. On Friday I was home alone. My plan was to stay in my jammies...and watch Harry Potter all night long...but I had cabin fever and needed to get away...so my good friend Gin came and we went to the mall...I got Faith's Christmas present and saw my sister!

Saturday I went up to the church at the butt crack of dawn to watch the kids that didn't show up. I did get to talk to Liz a lot and that was fun! I am glad that she and I are beginning to hang out more. She's a lot of fun and I need more friends...oy with the poodles already...

Today has been good. I don't know...I have this feeling in the pit of my stomache. I feel nervous and anxious all at the same time, and I randomly want to start crying. I hate feeling this way. I am an unexpected ball of emotions and I don't want to blow up at anyone of confuse anyone or make anyone mad...I hate being me...I really genuinely do. I know everyone questions how that could be, but I feel like my heart is shattered into a million pieces and I'm never going to be whole again.

I'm not even talking about just the guy issue, but every time I turn around I feel like I see something else wrong with me. One more thing that I need to fix. One more reason why no one will ever love me. One more reason why things will never be how I want them to be. I don't know...maybe some day everything will fall into place...but maybe not...maybe this is how I will be forever...

My Heart Can't Take Much More...
Jess

(Jing...I calmed down...don't worry about me)

Falling to Pieces...

My life feels as though it is falling apart. I don't know how to stop it! I want everything to just go back to the way it used to be...I wish I had never moved to Florida. I want to go back and be a kid...I want to do it all over again! I hate my life. I feel like at any moment I will break and feel the same as I did ages ago. I don't want to feel like that...but I'm on the verge...

Today my life seemed to keep getting worse...I know it could be a lot worse and I should be thankful that I still have my life...I should be thankful that I still have my family, but today I just want to wallow in my misery...I have no car...I think that I killed my cell phone...I thought my purse had been stolen (praise God it's here)...I feel as though I am never going to get caught up...I feel as though my life is headed in a downward spiral that will never end...HELP!!!!! I want to throw myself off a bridge and be done with it...

Ok, I don't mean that, but I just wish I could make sense of all of this...maybe one day everything will feel as though it is whole...but until then I am here...in pieces...

Jess

LOVE

What a nasty four letter word. It has become something we throw around loosly as though it holds little meaning. "'I like my Sketchers but I love my Prada back pack' 'But I love my Sketchers'...'That's because you don't have a Prada backpack'" Seriously, we love our family, that a given, but we love a restraunt, or a tv show, or a movie...soon we have begun to love everything...but was love ever meant to be such a nonchalant word? I have just been thinking about how easy it is for us to say we love something or someone. I know that I love my friends and generally when I say I love someone it is in that platonic way...so how do we begin to destinguish between the love we have for friends, family, and objects...from the love that we have for God?

For God so loved the word that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosever believeth in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life...Now that is real love. Seriously...how can we distinguish the loves in our lives? I want to know, because I feel that the lines between these meanings have begun to blur and we as Christian need to help clear it up...

Until All Have Heard,
Jess

Jessica + Roadtrip = Disaster

Oh my goodness guys! You will never guess what happened (unless someone already told you, then you are not guessing you are already holding the answer)...You all know that I went to Kentucky with my brother for Thanksgiving...well we headed back yesterday (Friday) and everything was going well...until we hit Georgia...I am not really liking Georgia right now...I know I know...it's not the states fault that I had a crappy car (note the word had)...

So I drove all the way from Madisonville...we were almost to Macon and I let Brandon take over...now I know that what is about to be told is not his fault...I'm not blaming him so you shouldn't either...The car died in the middle of a three lane highway...Brandon was of course in the lane farthest from the shoulder and had to go across three lanes to get us safely off the road...He had to wake me up because poor Jessica was trying to take a short nap...I definately woke up!...I called dad and he said I would need to call the police and find a tow truck...blah blah blah...so I did said thing and a half hour later I am stuck in the middle of Georgia...just the right distance between Florida and Kentucky...sadness...

So, come to find out my engine is shot...We are stuck there...So my dad had to drive all the way to Georgia to pick us up...we paid the place to keep my car...yes, we paid them to keep the car that I just spent too much moolah trying to fix...and then we left...and so here I am...in desperate need of a shower...tired...and without a car...right now I hate Georgia...more importantly I hate the stupid car that we drove...oy with the poodles already...I am sorry...life right now is sad...

Please be praying the God provide the funds neccessary for me to purchase a new vehicle within the next three or four months...

In despair...
Jess

Happy Birthday To Me...

So today is my birthday. I feel old. After today the countdown to 25 begins. I know this will not sound wierd to my regular viewers (if there are any of those out there) because I am always talking about the lack of relationship issue in my life. When I was in college I thought that I was the only one who wasn't married or in a relationship, but then I realized I was so young, so I thought...I'll be married by the time I am 25...wow...that is so close and impossible to achieve. So I guess I will continue on this path...I know it will come...and thank you to those of you who encourage me on a regular basis.

I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving...don't eat too much...but have fun and take time to let someone know what you are thankful for...

I am thankful for my family...
friends...
freedom...
love...
life...
ability to see things differently...
second chances...

I'm a Hopeless Case...

Well...a hopeless romantic anyways...I wrote this a few weeks ago...

"There are times in our lives when we meet a person who takes our breath away. Each moment spent with them feels too short and every moment spent apart feels like an eternity. They make you smile and wipe your tears away. No matter what happens you feel as though they are the best thing that could have ever happened to you. It's hard to explain to others how your heart races and your mind can't even think. You are taken away by a rush of emotions that are unfamiliar to you. Life seems to hold more meaning."

I think it is amazing how we see things. I mean, that feeling seemed so real to me. I guess it was more like a balloon ready to be popped. I should have seen it coming. I should have known that it wasn't right for me...but you have no ideal how much I wish it were. It's never right. Never the right time, the right guy, the right moment, the right anything, and so I am here at this point again...wishing to rewind these last two weeks...not because I regret them...because I don't regret ANY of it!...but because there are some moments I wish I could change...

"Just friends" seems like a saying I've heard my entire life...for as long as I can remember I have just been one of the guys...I've never been the girlfriend (not really anyways)...both of the guys I dated were on the rebound after serious relationships...and here I am 24 in five days and the logest relationship I've had lasted four months...

Answer me this, is there something wrong with me...? Am I really that ugly! I mean, I know I'm not, but I feel like everytime I think there is a chance, it's gone.

I don't even want a serious relationship right now, just someone who will take me to dinner, or that I can just talk to...I miss my guy friends...I want another Scott (sorry Gin)...I miss having that...

Now I have to go before I cry...I don't want to cry...

One of Those Days...

So today has just been one of those days. I wake up, even though I want to turn over and fall back to sleep, get out of bed and get started. School has just become routine, and I need to do something to mix it up. I want the kids to have fun, but I can't think...maybe this break will help me get creative.

I come home and do nothing...watch House of Wax because I forgot how bad and extremely disgusting it was (I must have blocked it out of my memory)...I got something to eat with Megan...and then I decided to wash the dishes...boy was that a mistake...the glass broke and I sliced my finger...it was really gross...actually I almost passed out...I watched the blood flow from my finger, it was pretty nasty...

Besides that I have just been thinking about my love life...or the lack there of...I think right now I just hate feeling like I am alone. I don't know that I am ready for that ever after relationship. Maybe I just want someone...someone who makes me feel beautiful...someone who needs me, or at least wants me...I wish this feeling would go away! I want it to go away...!

This is why I have had one of those days...I need my mind to shut down, to just stop thinking...I need to just be.

A Day Past Sunday

I wake up each morning wishing to go back to sleep. I want time to stop and the world to slow down, but inevitably I must get out of bed and start the day. Tomorrow I want to wake up with a new hope and a new vision. I want to know that life is worth living, and that everything I do is worth it as long as I keep Him first. I must believe that there is more out there than a routine. I love life and I want to live it as much as I can.

"Preach the gospel and if necessary, use words!" I want this to be my life. I am ready to make that my commitment! I am ready to see God as the head of my life. You guys keep me in your prayers! Ask that God would guide me down the right path...that He would lead me in the way I should go. You guys are amazing, and I am so blessed to count you as friend...

Jess

Just One...

I know this probably sounds lame, but I was just watching tv and a girl was given the most romantic night of her life. I don't even have to have a relationship but I wish that I could just have one night of romance. I want a moonlit walk, daisies, dinner and a good night kiss.

I want to feel beautiful. To get dressed up and be treated like a princess. To be picked up, to have the door opened for me (all of them)...to be laughed with, to be taken somewhere unique, somewhere unexpected...I want to have a meaningful conversation, and then when I get cold I want an arm put around me.

Maybe it is all too much to ask for, but I wish I could have it...even if it is just one.

Today I think...

The sky will be bluer...
The sun will shine brighter...
A laugh will be common place...
Friendships will strengthen...
Love will be hoped for...
Family will mean everything...
Time will not be wasted...
Love will not be wasted...
Memories will come flooding in...
And all the things you hope for will come to pass...

Live today as though it were the last. You never know when tomorrow is no longer a possibility. You have the power to make things happen. I have the power to make things happen. Let's use our powers together to make the world a better place...(I just got the voice of Captain Planet in my head "With your powers combined...I am CAPTAIN PLANET!")

Jess

What do you think?

Ok, so I was thinking about making a list today...a list of all the qualities I want in my future mate...I know that some people believe that this helps...others believe it's a bunch of bull...I'm undecided

Honestly...I know what I want, but what about the little things?...how specific do you get?...are you meticulous and never settle until you get exactly what's on your list? I don't know...maybe that would be a good idea (I should write...doesn't look like Adam Sandler...as one of my qualities)...I just don't want to miss out...

Of course I wrote a very specific list for my Geo and God gave me exactly what I prayed for...so if he would honor my desires for a car...how much more would he honor my desires for a husband...? SIGH!!!

Today I Want to Die

Today I want to die...
I tried to let the tears kill me as I cried
Yet here I am still
Wanting something yet never will
Have the chance I thought I had
It came it went and that's too bad
I give up, that's just how it has to be
Because in the end I cannot think of me
Life would be easier if I weren't here
But that's a thought I can't adhere
to. My life has never been my own
And all I think I've ever known
Is living life for you, not me
I guess my life will never be
my own...
Today I wish I were not here...