Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Night

Merry Christmas! This year Christmas feels somewhat strange. We didn't do Christmas Eve at Grandma Todd's this year because everyone was snowed in and could not make it. It didn't feel like it was really the night before Christmas. It was kinda sad. But today we ad our stockings to open and then we had Christmas at Mamaw's.

Everyone was there and it was what Christmas is supposed to be about. The cousins gathered in the den and we all played Scene It (Disney) three times. I won twice and Amy won the last game. It has been fun and I know that this entry is short, but bed time approaches for all who are old (that's me). So Goodnight!

New Beginnings

Well, for all those keeping tabs on me, I have finally made it to the Bluegrass State. It took us over 24 hours to get here, but we finally landed at about ten our time, eleven for all my Florida peeps. We were supposed to leave at about one on Tuesday, but we got delayed, and delayed some more and didn't end up actually hitting the road until about 5:30. We were almost to I-75 when the van broke down. Dad and I went in search of some transmission fluid, came back and then we were back on the road. At about 12:30 in the a.m. mom decided that she couldn't drive any more (she had only been driving for an hour) so we stopped at a hotel. I ended up sleeping in the bathtub so that I couldn't hear the symphony of snores. Needless to say I didn't get much sleep.

You would think maybe that was the end to all of our bad luck, but no. We hadn't gone very far when we started having to stop every half hour to put water in my car so that it wouldn't over heat. At about seven we stopped and it took dad four hours to fix the car. That was our last vehicular delay. Our next delay was weather related. It began to snow. While I might not be a Florida girl born and raised, I have lived there as long as I have been driving, which means that Jessica has never driven in the snow. It was an experience. I figure God was just giving me a driving lesson for any snow day that comes in my future.

But wait, there is more. There are four Madisonville exits, two of which go directly into town. We are supposed to take the first one, which gets us straight to my grandmother's. With the other exit you have to drive through town. Well I missed the first exit, causing quite a panic. I then got seperated from my parents, with a brother who kept saying he would drive if I wanted him to. At that point all I wanted to do was get to my grandmothers. It took me twice as long as it would have if I had taken the first exit, but I made it.

I felt as though a hurricane of a different nature had swept through. There was no power, people were driving around in the snow like idiots (my cousin even said, "why would anyone be out in this if that didn't have to?", reminding me of the many times I said that of people drving around in the storms), and we were under a state of emergency. Oh, the days when the weather was nice is no more. I have bad weather following me everywhere I go. But I am glad to be here.

I am excited about all that is going to happen. My life is changing, a new chapted has begun. Stay tuned to see where this will lead.

Over and Out

Well, I sit here at my desk and say goodbye. This is the last time that I will be writing from my office. It is a somewhat bittersweet moment. No longer will my days be filled with the same faces, the same office, the same routine. My life is on the way to changing forever. I know that I will be happy where I go, but it is sad to think that I am leaving those who have meant the most to me over the years.

While this is short and sweet, I must sign off, because my days here have ended.

All my love!

Tenderhearted Broken Song

Tenderhearted broken song
How you make the day go on
Always cheerful, always gay
You make the hours melt away.

Tenderhearted broken song
The days will always feel so long
Without your quiet gentle smile
Making every day worthwhile.

Tenderhearted broken song
How will I ever get along?
No short walk to see your face
But miles and miles will take its place.

Tenderhearted broken song
Do not change from right to wrong.
Do not heave a heavy sigh
For now I have to say, “good-bye”.

On My Way Out

This is my last full week at Warner Southern College. It's strange, because I know that it is really happening, but at the same time it feels surreal, almost mystic in ways. I seem detatched, but I don't want to be. I want my emotions to flow freely, not to be frightened to let the tears fall, or scared to be angry. This weekend I told someone that it bothers me that I cannot truly give myself over to my emotions. In most areas I feel as though I need justification for my emotions. It is not truly ok to feel the way I do until someone tells me it is ok.

Take this weekend for example. I got hurt. I cried. Then I felt guilty for feeling hurt. I thought maybe I was just overreacting. Maybe it was wrong for me to feel hurt by this person. It wasn't until I was sobbing on the phone with a friend that I felt it was ok to be upset, because my friend said it was ok. I think the thing that hurt the most about it, was that the person that hurt me is supposed to be my best friend.

As I talked to my co-worker today I told him that maybe it's because I am leaving that I have a low tolerance for BS, and that I want to tell people how it is. I'm not sure, all I know is that the closer I get to leaving, the closer I get to telling people off. I don't think this is the healthiest expression that I have ever had, but it is the only one that I feel right now. I am ready to leave. I will miss everyone, but it is time.

My Heart's Cry

Love is a strange creature. Psalm 8 says, "for love is strong as death, jealousy is cruel as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, a most vehement flame. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it." I long to be rid of the love that I hold deep inside. It hurts too bad to love when the one you love cannot love you back.

For the last two weeks I have had dreams of this man. Some good, but most of them only showed that he could not love me back. I know that these are only dreams, and reality could be much different, but the truth is I cannot allow myself to be hurt. I have learned to build a sturdy wall which protects my heart, and each time I let down my gaurd someone breaks the wall down, making it harder for me to trust again. This has been the process since I was 13 years old. First it was my grandfather, and then Whitney, then there was Ronnie, and when I thought that I had finally healed I let Matt in, only to be hurt again. I cannot allow myself to love. Even in friendship my love is guarded. To know that I have let the few friends I have into that intimate space I call love is hard enough for me. To leave them will be murder.

I wish that love were easier to understand, and even easier to deal with. I don't want to love this person. I am tired of loving this person, because I know in my heart of hearts that they will never love me back. Last night I heard a quote that resounds with me, "If you cannot be with the one you love, love the one your with." It sounds so sad, but right now it is all I can grasp onto. I don't want to be in love with someone who is not in love with me. My heart cannot take it anymore, but we do not choose who we love.

Season's Greetings

"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas"

Everyone is decorating for Christmas and all are getting in the mood for holiday cheer. It is so exciting to see everyone and to hear all the plans we are making. Tonight I am going to a progressive dinner and my good friend Cindy is coming along with me. I can't wait. Any time with her is a fun time!

Oh my, can you believe that I just got back from getting a pedicure. I let someone touch my feet. Now some of you might be thinking, what's the big deal? But you have to understand that I hate feet. I hate people touching my feet, and I hate when people touch me with their feet. I think that it didn't really bother me because my feet were numb from the heat and so I didn't feel her touch my feet until the end. Then I got a little sick. I almost threw up twice. I know, I'm strange, but it's just who I am.

This weekend will be filled with packing. I have to go through our attic and take out everything that belongs to me. I am looking forward to it, but it is going to be a tedious job. I can't wait to leave but at the same time I am so sad to be leaving my friends.

There is one friend in particular that I want to speak to, so here it is Katelyn:

You are so special to me, even more then I can begin to describe. You have lifted me up, and been a friend to me. I have felt honored that you would trust me with your deepest secrets. I cherish every moment that I have been allowed to spend with you. My life is better because you have been in it. I don't know what I will do without you. You put a smile on my face, even when I'm not laughing at your silliness. I will never forget that Fridays give me two whole days for people to forget what I did. Nor will I forget our conversation about the equestrian and the pyromaniac. I hope that made you laugh a little, because here comes the serious part. You are like a sister to me, and leaving you is one of the biggest cons to going to Kentucky. You are such a beautiful woman of God. You will make a great wife and mother some day (please in that order) and I look forward to the day when I get to see all your dreams come true. You are a great person, who anyone would be honored to know. I love you more than I can say.

Tears of Sadness

The days are drawing closer and the time with my friends and family begins to fade away. I am happy about my move, but I also feel a deep sense of melancholy that grips my heart. My life at Warner has been an experience that I will never forget. It is the place where I gained the type of friendships that you never lose. I have started cramming my days with lunches and evenings filled with get togethers. I will miss them all!

I feel as though my posts have been rather vague recently. I apologize for the attempt at distance from my personal life. You see things here have been hitting me like a pound of bricks lately. I have this one friend who has recently been involved with my ex. I do not care one way or another if she is interested, but she vehemently denies any interest on her part. When she first told me, all I asked was that she not come and talk to me about the things that went on between the two of them. Really, who wants to know the details of their ex's dating habits? For some reason this has not gotten through to her. I don't know how to say that I don't care without coming off as though I'm a bit. The truth is though, I don't care. And everytime she says something about it, it kills me. So this is one of my recent personal dilemmas.

The other thing is a guy problem, which I will not discuss in great detail here. I have decided that a relationship is not something I should want, nor be thinking of at this moment. I am tired of putting myself in the trap of opening up just to get hurt. I deserve someone who will treat me the way that I want to be treated. I don't want to continue in this cycle, and so I vow not to date anyone until after I have finished my Master's. I think that I can do this.

With each day it gets closer to my departure. I can't wait to leave, and now one more week is down for the count. I will cry in the next few weeks, tears of sadness. But I know that God is guiding me and so I go.