Love is a strange creature. Psalm 8 says, "for love is strong as death, jealousy is cruel as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, a most vehement flame. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it." I long to be rid of the love that I hold deep inside. It hurts too bad to love when the one you love cannot love you back.
For the last two weeks I have had dreams of this man. Some good, but most of them only showed that he could not love me back. I know that these are only dreams, and reality could be much different, but the truth is I cannot allow myself to be hurt. I have learned to build a sturdy wall which protects my heart, and each time I let down my gaurd someone breaks the wall down, making it harder for me to trust again. This has been the process since I was 13 years old. First it was my grandfather, and then Whitney, then there was Ronnie, and when I thought that I had finally healed I let Matt in, only to be hurt again. I cannot allow myself to love. Even in friendship my love is guarded. To know that I have let the few friends I have into that intimate space I call love is hard enough for me. To leave them will be murder.
I wish that love were easier to understand, and even easier to deal with. I don't want to love this person. I am tired of loving this person, because I know in my heart of hearts that they will never love me back. Last night I heard a quote that resounds with me, "If you cannot be with the one you love, love the one your with." It sounds so sad, but right now it is all I can grasp onto. I don't want to be in love with someone who is not in love with me. My heart cannot take it anymore, but we do not choose who we love.
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