Out of Place...

My life has always been different than others'. I am a little strange and most days I want something different than the others in my generation. When I was younger, I always had different priorities than my friends. While they were oohing and aahing over babies, I was playing cops and robbers with the boys, when they were oohing and aahing over boys, I had my nose in a book...I've always wanted different than my peers...

This fact has made me somewhat of an oddity. I never really fit in anywhere because I never held the same interests as those around me. Right now the majority of my friends are either married or in serious relationships, and while this is an important thing with me it is not up there on my priority list. I just feel out of place because my life is in a different place than their's.

I wish that feeling out of place was no big deal for me. I mean, I've felt that way my entire life, you would think I would be used to it by now. I miss Kendra...(my cousin)...she's the only one I never feel out of place with.

Someday I will fit in somewhere, but until that day I will stand out, and I must deal with that...so I leave you now..

I Just Need To Say...

Ok, I know that there has to be some kind of age limit on the guys I'm interested in...All the men/boys (sorry guys, some of you still rank as boys) are either too old (I mean old enough to be my dad old...or too young...like young enough to be my little brother who just started college young!

Is there no one in between? No one out there who will be just right? I don't know...the younger guy thing has always been there, but the old guy thing, I'm not sure I'm OK with that...The younger guy thing isn't really all that great either...oy vay! What am I going to do with me...

Again I say...sadness!

My Life and the Sadness of Things...

My life is generally bland...I have my friends, my family, my job...but sometimes it feels as though I am stuck in a rut. This weekend was interesting to say the least...I am a multi-faceted person, and anyone who knows me, knows that there are times when it seems I have no control over my emotions...this weekend was no exception...

My brother's roommate and my sister's best friend came to stay with us through the hurricane...which, well, let's face it...wasn't anything like we faced last year, so no skin here...Monday afternoon held us captive and burdened us with cabin fever...we had to get out of the house...and besides...we needed to take Grant back to SEU...so we decided to go to the Lakeland mall...sounded fun...I got to go hang out with my brother and his roommate...I would be the cool older sister...and then we ended up having another one of Brandon's friends go with us...and Brandon's girlfriend...so I felt like a chaperone on a double date...

I HATE BEING THE FIFTH WHEEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope everyone gets the picture there...anyways...on the way to pick up the ladies...my brother states that I might never get married...and that he is likely to get married before me...and he wouldn't be getting married for the next 4-6 years...I will be 30 in six years...I started crying...

My night was gone after that...I couldn't even pretend I was happy...I did get a really cute outfit...and I loved the people I was with, but I went from feeling like I was going to be the cool older sister...to the lame single sister who had nothing better to do than drive my brother and his friends to the mall...

This is beginning to depress me all over...so I believe I will stop...sadness

Some New Quotes

"Real love is more than a physical feeling. If there's even the slightest doubt in your head about a guy, then forget about it. It's not real." - Ethan Embry

"There is always some madness in love. But there is always some reason in madness." -Nietzche

"Success is simple. Do what's right, the right way, at the right time." - Arnold H. Glasgow

"It is what a man thinks of himself that really determines his fate." - Henry David Thoreau

Life is Such a Chore

As I talked to my mom today I relived moments from not so long ago...I remember when it was easier to put myself down than to lift myself up...I used to believe I could beat everyone to the punch...look how fat I am, ugly I am, stupid I am, or any other thing you throw in there that was derogatory...I hated being me.

I was young and stupid. I have learned, since then, that my life is more than the meaningless put downs that I used to fill my days with. I am beautiful, even if I don't always believe it. I am smart...no matter how stupid I act, and I am that friend, the one that you come to when no one else is around.

I'll keep my head up, and you do the same, because at the end of the day life is not as bad as it seems, and the rearview mirror is only passing guide.

Routine...Good or Bad?

Ok, anyone who knows me, knows that I am obsessed with movies. Tonight I sat and watched the new movie Crash. I was highly impressed with it. The R rating is necessary for the language...which was the worst part...but the best way I could describe this movie was highly poignant...I laughed...I cried...I screamed at the tv...(I'm telling you...I'm obsessed).

I think that we live in a world where racism and prejudice run rampant, but we overlook it because we choose to be ignorant. We are exactly what MLK Jr. spoke out against. We are the man who sits idlely by and does nothing. Who are we to think that we have no voice? Or that we shouldn't have a voice?

We are the only voice some people will ever hear, we must speak while we still have the chance.

Breakdown

Ok, anyone who knows me, knows that I am obsessed with movies. Tonight I sat and watched the new movie Crash. I was highly impressed with it. The R rating is necessary for the language...which was the worst part...but the best way I could describe this movie was highly poignant...I laughed...I cried...I screamed at the tv...(I'm telling you...I'm obsessed).

I think that we live in a world where racism and prejudice run rampant, but we overlook it because we choose to be ignorant. We are exactly what MLK Jr. spoke out against. We are the man who sits idlely by and does nothing. Who are we to think that we have no voice? Or that we shouldn't have a voice?

We are the only voice some people will ever hear, we must speak while we still have the chance.

Crash

Ok, anyone who knows me, knows that I am obsessed with movies. Tonight I sat and watched the new movie Crash. I was highly impressed with it. The R rating is necessary for the language...which was the worst part...but the best way I could describe this movie was highly poignant...I laughed...I cried...I screamed at the tv...(I'm telling you...I'm obsessed).

I think that we live in a world where racism and prejudice run rampant, but we overlook it because we choose to be ignorant. We are exactly what MLK Jr. spoke out against. We are the man who sits idlely by and does nothing. Who are we to think that we have no voice? Or that we shouldn't have a voice?

We are the only voice some people will ever hear, we must speak while we still have the chance.

Quote of the Week

"We are all Cyrano, all loving with no hope of true love in return...All Roxanne, loving an illusion of love...All Christian, loving with words that are not our own...All imperfect, parading our imperfections in spite of our fears, with one thought in mind, to play to the end, to risk all and to be left with that which is most dear..."

From Bigger Than the Sky...the words just struck a chord in me...beautiful and poignant.

On the Outside Looking In

To Those Who May Be Listening:

I love my life and I have for a while. If you don't know me, this is a big thing...I used to hate myself and had very low self-esteem (not that I still don't, it's just a lot better than it used to be). I love my job...every day presents a new challenge and every week I learn something new. My students make my day and my week.

The weekends are great, because I have been blessed with amazing friends. The down side right now is that I hate driving to Lakeland to do anything with them. Not that I don't want to, but when you've been up since five and you've been with kids all day long, most of the time you just want to chill. I think God is going to either have to move me closer to my friends, or give me new friends closer to me.

I don't know, I just feel what I have always felt...that I just don't belong. I've never fit in, and I've always been the outsider. Don't get me wrong, I am accepted anywhere I go, but I'm always on the outside looking in. Every now and then they see me and think they should invite me in...and that's how it has always been, but maybe someday I'll find that place where being on the outside is not an option.