Falling to Pieces...

My life feels as though it is falling apart. I don't know how to stop it! I want everything to just go back to the way it used to be...I wish I had never moved to Florida. I want to go back and be a kid...I want to do it all over again! I hate my life. I feel like at any moment I will break and feel the same as I did ages ago. I don't want to feel like that...but I'm on the verge...

Today my life seemed to keep getting worse...I know it could be a lot worse and I should be thankful that I still have my life...I should be thankful that I still have my family, but today I just want to wallow in my misery...I have no car...I think that I killed my cell phone...I thought my purse had been stolen (praise God it's here)...I feel as though I am never going to get caught up...I feel as though my life is headed in a downward spiral that will never end...HELP!!!!! I want to throw myself off a bridge and be done with it...

Ok, I don't mean that, but I just wish I could make sense of all of this...maybe one day everything will feel as though it is whole...but until then I am here...in pieces...

Jess

LOVE

What a nasty four letter word. It has become something we throw around loosly as though it holds little meaning. "'I like my Sketchers but I love my Prada back pack' 'But I love my Sketchers'...'That's because you don't have a Prada backpack'" Seriously, we love our family, that a given, but we love a restraunt, or a tv show, or a movie...soon we have begun to love everything...but was love ever meant to be such a nonchalant word? I have just been thinking about how easy it is for us to say we love something or someone. I know that I love my friends and generally when I say I love someone it is in that platonic way...so how do we begin to destinguish between the love we have for friends, family, and objects...from the love that we have for God?

For God so loved the word that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosever believeth in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life...Now that is real love. Seriously...how can we distinguish the loves in our lives? I want to know, because I feel that the lines between these meanings have begun to blur and we as Christian need to help clear it up...

Until All Have Heard,
Jess

Jessica + Roadtrip = Disaster

Oh my goodness guys! You will never guess what happened (unless someone already told you, then you are not guessing you are already holding the answer)...You all know that I went to Kentucky with my brother for Thanksgiving...well we headed back yesterday (Friday) and everything was going well...until we hit Georgia...I am not really liking Georgia right now...I know I know...it's not the states fault that I had a crappy car (note the word had)...

So I drove all the way from Madisonville...we were almost to Macon and I let Brandon take over...now I know that what is about to be told is not his fault...I'm not blaming him so you shouldn't either...The car died in the middle of a three lane highway...Brandon was of course in the lane farthest from the shoulder and had to go across three lanes to get us safely off the road...He had to wake me up because poor Jessica was trying to take a short nap...I definately woke up!...I called dad and he said I would need to call the police and find a tow truck...blah blah blah...so I did said thing and a half hour later I am stuck in the middle of Georgia...just the right distance between Florida and Kentucky...sadness...

So, come to find out my engine is shot...We are stuck there...So my dad had to drive all the way to Georgia to pick us up...we paid the place to keep my car...yes, we paid them to keep the car that I just spent too much moolah trying to fix...and then we left...and so here I am...in desperate need of a shower...tired...and without a car...right now I hate Georgia...more importantly I hate the stupid car that we drove...oy with the poodles already...I am sorry...life right now is sad...

Please be praying the God provide the funds neccessary for me to purchase a new vehicle within the next three or four months...

In despair...
Jess

Happy Birthday To Me...

So today is my birthday. I feel old. After today the countdown to 25 begins. I know this will not sound wierd to my regular viewers (if there are any of those out there) because I am always talking about the lack of relationship issue in my life. When I was in college I thought that I was the only one who wasn't married or in a relationship, but then I realized I was so young, so I thought...I'll be married by the time I am 25...wow...that is so close and impossible to achieve. So I guess I will continue on this path...I know it will come...and thank you to those of you who encourage me on a regular basis.

I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving...don't eat too much...but have fun and take time to let someone know what you are thankful for...

I am thankful for my family...
friends...
freedom...
love...
life...
ability to see things differently...
second chances...

I'm a Hopeless Case...

Well...a hopeless romantic anyways...I wrote this a few weeks ago...

"There are times in our lives when we meet a person who takes our breath away. Each moment spent with them feels too short and every moment spent apart feels like an eternity. They make you smile and wipe your tears away. No matter what happens you feel as though they are the best thing that could have ever happened to you. It's hard to explain to others how your heart races and your mind can't even think. You are taken away by a rush of emotions that are unfamiliar to you. Life seems to hold more meaning."

I think it is amazing how we see things. I mean, that feeling seemed so real to me. I guess it was more like a balloon ready to be popped. I should have seen it coming. I should have known that it wasn't right for me...but you have no ideal how much I wish it were. It's never right. Never the right time, the right guy, the right moment, the right anything, and so I am here at this point again...wishing to rewind these last two weeks...not because I regret them...because I don't regret ANY of it!...but because there are some moments I wish I could change...

"Just friends" seems like a saying I've heard my entire life...for as long as I can remember I have just been one of the guys...I've never been the girlfriend (not really anyways)...both of the guys I dated were on the rebound after serious relationships...and here I am 24 in five days and the logest relationship I've had lasted four months...

Answer me this, is there something wrong with me...? Am I really that ugly! I mean, I know I'm not, but I feel like everytime I think there is a chance, it's gone.

I don't even want a serious relationship right now, just someone who will take me to dinner, or that I can just talk to...I miss my guy friends...I want another Scott (sorry Gin)...I miss having that...

Now I have to go before I cry...I don't want to cry...

One of Those Days...

So today has just been one of those days. I wake up, even though I want to turn over and fall back to sleep, get out of bed and get started. School has just become routine, and I need to do something to mix it up. I want the kids to have fun, but I can't think...maybe this break will help me get creative.

I come home and do nothing...watch House of Wax because I forgot how bad and extremely disgusting it was (I must have blocked it out of my memory)...I got something to eat with Megan...and then I decided to wash the dishes...boy was that a mistake...the glass broke and I sliced my finger...it was really gross...actually I almost passed out...I watched the blood flow from my finger, it was pretty nasty...

Besides that I have just been thinking about my love life...or the lack there of...I think right now I just hate feeling like I am alone. I don't know that I am ready for that ever after relationship. Maybe I just want someone...someone who makes me feel beautiful...someone who needs me, or at least wants me...I wish this feeling would go away! I want it to go away...!

This is why I have had one of those days...I need my mind to shut down, to just stop thinking...I need to just be.

A Day Past Sunday

I wake up each morning wishing to go back to sleep. I want time to stop and the world to slow down, but inevitably I must get out of bed and start the day. Tomorrow I want to wake up with a new hope and a new vision. I want to know that life is worth living, and that everything I do is worth it as long as I keep Him first. I must believe that there is more out there than a routine. I love life and I want to live it as much as I can.

"Preach the gospel and if necessary, use words!" I want this to be my life. I am ready to make that my commitment! I am ready to see God as the head of my life. You guys keep me in your prayers! Ask that God would guide me down the right path...that He would lead me in the way I should go. You guys are amazing, and I am so blessed to count you as friend...

Jess

Just One...

I know this probably sounds lame, but I was just watching tv and a girl was given the most romantic night of her life. I don't even have to have a relationship but I wish that I could just have one night of romance. I want a moonlit walk, daisies, dinner and a good night kiss.

I want to feel beautiful. To get dressed up and be treated like a princess. To be picked up, to have the door opened for me (all of them)...to be laughed with, to be taken somewhere unique, somewhere unexpected...I want to have a meaningful conversation, and then when I get cold I want an arm put around me.

Maybe it is all too much to ask for, but I wish I could have it...even if it is just one.

Today I think...

The sky will be bluer...
The sun will shine brighter...
A laugh will be common place...
Friendships will strengthen...
Love will be hoped for...
Family will mean everything...
Time will not be wasted...
Love will not be wasted...
Memories will come flooding in...
And all the things you hope for will come to pass...

Live today as though it were the last. You never know when tomorrow is no longer a possibility. You have the power to make things happen. I have the power to make things happen. Let's use our powers together to make the world a better place...(I just got the voice of Captain Planet in my head "With your powers combined...I am CAPTAIN PLANET!")

Jess

What do you think?

Ok, so I was thinking about making a list today...a list of all the qualities I want in my future mate...I know that some people believe that this helps...others believe it's a bunch of bull...I'm undecided

Honestly...I know what I want, but what about the little things?...how specific do you get?...are you meticulous and never settle until you get exactly what's on your list? I don't know...maybe that would be a good idea (I should write...doesn't look like Adam Sandler...as one of my qualities)...I just don't want to miss out...

Of course I wrote a very specific list for my Geo and God gave me exactly what I prayed for...so if he would honor my desires for a car...how much more would he honor my desires for a husband...? SIGH!!!

Today I Want to Die

Today I want to die...
I tried to let the tears kill me as I cried
Yet here I am still
Wanting something yet never will
Have the chance I thought I had
It came it went and that's too bad
I give up, that's just how it has to be
Because in the end I cannot think of me
Life would be easier if I weren't here
But that's a thought I can't adhere
to. My life has never been my own
And all I think I've ever known
Is living life for you, not me
I guess my life will never be
my own...
Today I wish I were not here...

This One's For You

There are days and times when lonliness consumes us and all we are left with is an empty feeling. These are the days we wish to ignore and choose to forget. Life almost seems pointless and we are left in the doubt that tomorrow will not hold the new possibilities that we wish to see. What we have to remember is that there is hope out there, we just have to hold on to it...

I remember the day I met him. Nothing really struck me as special, just another guy who was cute, but nothing more. At first there was nothing, just a friendship, a tiny seed that grew to more. I remember when the thought of more first entered my head. I honestly believed I must be crazy. What was I thinking? How was this going to work out? Everything around it seemed to be screaming, "You're crazy!"

Maybe there is still nothing there, but today there is the hope of something more. When that loneliness knocks at my door my mind is swollen with the thoughts of more. I give in and let them take away that once bitter pain. Love is out there somewhere, waiting for us all...I don't know if I have found it, I don't know if I ever will, but until that day I will keep holding on to that hope. Never give up!

I Can't Believe It...

Today was a work day for me. No students!!! It was brilliant. I got a lot accomplished and feel organized again. Once done with my work for the day I headed to Warner. I don't know why I do this, because I don't really know anyone there anymore. I guess it is the thought of seeing people I used to call friend that keeps me coming back...who knows.

When I went there today I found out that my ex is in town. It is all kind of crazy and hard to explain. I just know when I heard it I didn't know how to feel about it. But, my mind kept going over everything and I began to think about how long it has been since the last time I was kissed. It has been a little over a year now...very little over a year. This is insane. Not that I have to be kissed a lot to survive, I just can't believe it has actually been that long.

I don't know why this has been on my mind since this afternoon, but it has and that's it...sorry to unload my randomness on you.

Is This Real?

There are times in our lives when we meet a person who takes our breath away. Each moment spent with them feels too short and every moment spent apart feels like an eternity. They make you smile and wipe your tears away. No matter what happens you feel as though they are the best thing that could have ever happened to you. It's hard to explain to others how your heart races and your mind can't even think. You are taken away by a rush of emotions that are unfamiliar to you. Life seems to hold more meaning.

This may not sound believable, and I don't really think that it is, but I've felt this way recently. Nothing makes sense and I don't even believe that I am experiencing this. It can't be real. It has to be my imagination. I am scared of feeling this way, but I'm even more afraid that I will push it away. Maybe I'm not ready for something like this, maybe it's not the right time. I will continue breathing in and out until I know for sure where my life is headed. Until then, continue to think of me.

I Give Up...

So, I decided last night that I try too hard. I let myself get consumed with everything so much that my entire body feels the effects. Last night my body was shaking and my face was flushed and I felt as though my heart was going to beat out of my chest. Why I let myself get this way I will never know.

Honestly I must be getting on people's nerves...I am getting on my own. I am trying too hard...I am letting myself lose and I can't do it anymore...I give up...I'm swearing off guys forever (like that is really going to happen)...Maybe my New Year's resolution will be to not let a guy turn my world upside down...it's funny because I fool myself into believing that someone likes me, only to continually get discouraged...

I generally think of myself as a low maintenance kind of girl...but maybe I'm not...I continually seek reassurance and it is as though I never truly believe the good things that people say...I'm not beautiful, funny, fun to be with...I can't be...I try to ruin things before they even have a chance to begin because my self-esteem is lower than low. I hide it well in my outgoing personality, but when it comes to relationships, I have a hard time believing any of it...

I want to just go back, back to when relationships like this didn't matter to me, back when I was shy and quiet Jessica...I miss her, she wouldn't have even had the guts to flirt with someone way back when...I need to be her again.