So, I decided last night that I try too hard. I let myself get consumed with everything so much that my entire body feels the effects. Last night my body was shaking and my face was flushed and I felt as though my heart was going to beat out of my chest. Why I let myself get this way I will never know.
Honestly I must be getting on people's nerves...I am getting on my own. I am trying too hard...I am letting myself lose and I can't do it anymore...I give up...I'm swearing off guys forever (like that is really going to happen)...Maybe my New Year's resolution will be to not let a guy turn my world upside down...it's funny because I fool myself into believing that someone likes me, only to continually get discouraged...
I generally think of myself as a low maintenance kind of girl...but maybe I'm not...I continually seek reassurance and it is as though I never truly believe the good things that people say...I'm not beautiful, funny, fun to be with...I can't be...I try to ruin things before they even have a chance to begin because my self-esteem is lower than low. I hide it well in my outgoing personality, but when it comes to relationships, I have a hard time believing any of it...
I want to just go back, back to when relationships like this didn't matter to me, back when I was shy and quiet Jessica...I miss her, she wouldn't have even had the guts to flirt with someone way back when...I need to be her again.
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