Love Was Kept From Me Like a Secret

This song was played to me by a very dear friend...I think that the love that I seek right now is the love of God...He has done so much for me this year...He has taken me SO far and taught me so much. I am so blessed to be where I am. I am truly happy with my life...no matter what I may go through...I make it through...God brings me through...I am going to start today...making it all about Him...I am no longer my own...but I was bought for a price...He wasn't just born...He died...He sacrificed himself for me...and if I can't do that for Him then I have learned nothing in my life...

I love God so much...He is so amazing and I am so blessed...

To all of my friends...I just want to say thank you for the love that you have given to me...I am so blessed...blessed beyond measure...I refuse to complain any longer...I choose to be happy...

Let's just take our time
There's nothing else to do
What better way to spend the night
Than wasting it with you
The moon has won the war
The daylight waits to end
Stay here by my side
We'll watch the struggle start again

chorus
I need you now and forever
So stay right here with me
Don't ever leave
Love was kept from me like a secret
And I swore that I was through
Until you, until you

The city settles down
I watch you as you sleep
There's a silent celebration for
Every breath you breathe
Now this all makes sense
With you as company
I left all I knew and found
A better part of me, yeah

chorus

The time it took to find you
I would
Wait again my baby
The feelings that
I feel with you, yeah

chorus
until you until you until you

I Want to Love Me

I glance into the mirror and I see all of the things that I don't like about myself...My nose is too big...I need to lose weight...I think my eyes might be crooked...I hate that gap in my teeth...My ears are SO big...My hair is so frizzy...

And then I stop...I love the way my nose has that little bunny rabbit effect...I love the color of my eyes...I love when I laugh...even though I lose my eyes...It reminds me that I'm happy...that I am ejoying life...I love my ears...and how I am great at listening to what people have to say...

If I take a deeper look...I love what I see even more...I love the fact that I love with all that I am...How I always only have to learn a lesson once for it to stick...that I try not to be judgemental and that I love give of myself...I am a pretty selfless person...I want to teach others how amazing their lives are...they have no idea what they have been given...

As much as I tend to get down on myself...I'm a pretty amazing person...I think I might even be kinda cute...haha...but seriously...I love who I am...I love that I can make people laugh...I think it might be my job...I love that God created me so differently than other people...I am glad that I am not like other people...I love that I am unique...and I know that God is ready to do something amazing...

I love me...at least...I'm learning to love me...and I want to love me...

Girls Are of the Devil and Those That Aren't Are Bipolar

Now that I have bashed on the opposite sex I feel as though it is only my duty to reveal the fact that females are just as much to blame...LADIES: STOP PLAYING GAMES!!! If you don't like a guy...stop flirting with him...if you aren't sure...back off...make sure...then either pursue it...or STOP!!!

GRRR!!!

You know...we have this habit of sending mixed signals...if you know for sure that you don't want something to happen with a guy right now (I'm not talking about down the road...I mean right now at this point in time) then don't say things that would make him think he has a chance...I hate when girls say things to guys and they are like...oh I could see us together...or I don't think it would be bad if we hung out more...or whatever the heck people say...MAKE UP YOUR MIND ALREADY!!!

If you think you are one of the good ones...and any guy would be lucky to have you...don't just settle for that any guy...God has bigger things out there...

GOSH!!! Girls are morons too...and why...I mean...why do we pull the jealousy card...why is it that we don't want a guy until we can't have him...or someone else is about to have them...that is so stupid...back off...let the other people just be...something else will come along...I swear!!!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

Ok...I think I am done with my second ranting of the night...

It will all be over soon...

grrr...

Boys Are Stupid Throw Rocks At Them

So this is what I decided...just now...guys are idiots...the first guy I dated broke up with his girlfriend and then started dating me...I didn't realize that if he did that to her then there was a good chance that if something better came along then he would leave me in a heartbeat...I remember when he broke my heart...I thought it was the end of the world...I look back now and realize it was only a bump in the road...He used me...we used each other...and in the end I got hurt...because he didn't have the nerve to tell me the truth...GUYS: TELL HER THE TRUTH!!! If you don't like her...and you think she's into you...don't lead her on...just tell the poor girl...she'll get over it...I promise...If you don't want to be with her anymore...tell her...she can find someone better...I swear...

Then there were the guys in college...they were such idiots...if you like me...or think there could be an interest...just tell me...so what if I think there is no chance...at least you would know...there is probably a possibility that if you like her...she might like you back (what a novel concept)...GUYS: DON'T PLAY GAMES!!! Mind games are stupid...if your not sure...back off...and make up your mind...grrr...these things are not that difficult...

GUYS: DON'T FEED HER LINES!!! If you say something just because you think it's what she wants to hear...STOP!!! Tell the truth...if you don't like something...tell her...

GRRRRR!!!!!

And you know...another thing...stop complaining...there are plenty of amazing girls out there...so what, if the girl you thought was so amazing ends up being a punk...move on...and if you go back to her after everything she's put you through then you deserve what you get...I just don't understand that...the girl rips your heart out...steps on it a hundred times...and then you are like...please take all of these broken pieces...Why do you want to be with someone who hurt you like that? Maybe it is because I have never been in love that would make me not understand this misguided logic...BUT COME ON!!! Did I miss something...was there a class I was supposed to take...on male idiocy...because that would have been some good stuff to know...

GRRR!!!

I honestly don't know why this all came over me all of the sudden...but it did...I hate guys...and I thank GOD that I am not in a relationship...They are complete morons and there are only a few I still have some faith in...

Just so you know who you are...Josh...Cheese...and Bobby...I still love you and respect you a lot...oh and Bruce will probably read this and should not be lumped with these jerks...he's one of the few good men...Oh...and Shawn too...he's still kind of amazing...even though he might be able to take some advice...he's definatley not among the group labled JERK!!!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

This is What It's All About

It has taken me several years to get to the place I am now...Where I actually enjoy who I am...where I am going...what I am doing...I remember when I was a child...My faith was so strong...I believed (and still do) that God was my everything...and that my purpose in life is to live like Christ...I was such a little warrior...such a vessel...always fighting the good fight...I wanted nothing more than to give everything to God...and never hold back...He was my everything...my all in all...

As I grew up I maintained this mind frame...always giving of everything I had...everything I was...I was a prayer warrior...and fighter...I enjoyed nothing more than allowing myself to soak in the presence of God...One of the most amazing times was when I was in high school and I literally felt as though I were in the river of God...it was so amazing to feel as though the water of God were rushing around me...and then there was the time I saw the angel...That was amazing...you might think I'm crazy...and maybe I am...but I truly believe that I was allowed to see the supernatural at work...to watch as a prayer warrior in the heavenlies prayed with me in my earthly form...God was with me then...He's still with me now...and I know that He is longing for a deeper walk with me...that He wants to take me to a new place...and I am looking foward to it...

When I was 20 years old I made a bold...no...stupid...mistake...I put 10 pills in my hand and I placed them in my mouth...I swallowed them as though they were the pain that I could never seem to get rid of...as though they were the years of failure that I couldn't seem to shake...I took them and I hoped that I would die...I prayed for death...I prayed that I would go to sleep and never wake up...God had other plans...He woke me up...He pumped my stomach...He wasn't done with me yet...

I look back on that time and I know that God must have kept me around for a reason...I know that He has to have something big in store for me...and I know that the enemy isn't ready and willing to just let me do it....Recently the biggest distraction has been this whole relationship thing...I want to be in that relationship so bad...and I keep feeling as though evey year is going to be the year...maybe this next year I will go into things thinking that this is NOT going to be the year...that it is not at all what God has for me...and maybe when that is the case it won't be so hard when it comes to the end of next year...I am really actually liking that idea...WOW!

I am so excited to see what all lies ahead of me...what all is coming up...God is doing something amazing...be a part of it...don't let the things around distract you...God is ready...are you...???

IT BEGINS!!!

Going For It

This week has been CRAZY! Life in general has been that way for me for quite some time. I don't know...for some reason I feel as though I just can't get a grasp on what I am supposed to be doing right now...I want to accomplish all that God has for me...and yet I feel as though I am at a standstill...where nothing is as important as it should be...I don't know why I am just having a such a hard time with this...but for some reason I don't feel as though I am doing enough...

God has called me to be differnt...set me apart...I don't know why...but he doesn't have the same plan for me as he does for most...I think maybe it is time I start going hard after what God wants me to do...that I need to drop everything that is holding me back...this crazy internet...movies...television...and even my desires for a relationship...all of these things I believe are keeping me from accomplishing the will of God...I think I need to take a break...take everything that I have held up...needs to be broken...I need to be broken...I need to let God take all that I am...everything that I am...

I am tired of living my own life...I want to give it all to God...to forget the world...and live seperately...I have always been different...the one that was there...not really fitting in...but always being loved...I just think it's time for me to take this all seriously...it's time for me to stop worrying and start living...I am excited for what God has in store for me...and if He chooses to send along an amazing man...that would be cool...but if He doesn't...I think I'm finally ok with that...

Hold On...

This weekend has been an amazing ride...I think everyone who has been with me would agree that it has been long and full of ups and downs...but every moment has been worth it...I have gained friends and made stronger bonds with those I already knew...My life will be different after this event and I know it...It has been AMAZING! I pray that it has had a lasting impact on those who saw it and those who were involved...

Now...because this is a topic I so frequently visit...Yesterday I was talking to Terry G about the whole relationship thing...and how I am completely fine with where I am...I know God is going to bring me an amazing man...I don't have to worry about anything and that is one of the best things in the world...but...(don't you just love the buts?) with my sister's future wedding looming...I can't help but think about things like that...and then I had a revelation...the whole...Megan getting married before me...kinda mirrors the whole dog vs. cat thing...I'm not going to go into detail about that...because it's not necessary...but it kind of opened my eyes to why I am having such a hard time with it...why this nagging feeling has continued to gnaw at me...Terry G...thanks for being so amazing...for listening to me...I love you!

Let's see...besides that...there is always guy confusion...grrr...I hate boys...they are so dumb...That's all I am going to say about that...

My life is a treasure that has been given to me...and I am blessed to be so loved...This weekend has been a great ride...and I can't wait to see what all God has for the rest of this year...and the one to come...

Serendipity

A turn of events...something happens and you realize that everything is going to turn out ok...you are going to be ok...life is going to give you another chance...another chance to live each day to the fullest...to give each person another chance...to love with everything that you are...

I never want to be the person who doesn't look at the best in everyone I see...maybe that makes me naive...maybe that makes me foolish...but I'm ok with that...I love who I am and I refuse to apologize for me...I might be crazy...and most people don't understand me...they look at me as though I've lost my mind...and I smile...because I'm smarter than they realize...I love that when I make a statement people think that I am such an idiot...but I think that there is some small satisfaction in knowing that I am a little wiser than anyone could even begin to imagine...maybe I shouldn't dumb myself down...oh well

I guess...today's ramblings are very much that...ramblings...My mind is full and my heart is overflowing...I just love where my life is going...I know that there are times when I don't know what is going on and it bothers me that I can't see a lot of what is going on...but I know that God has me in His hand and things are going to be amazing...He has big plans for me..I can't wait to see what they are...

Be praying for this weekend...we are having our Christmas musical and things are beginning to come together but we still have a ways to go...

I'll keep you posted...
Jess