I am less than I should be...

There are days when I feel like the future is something that's just out there...then there are other days when it consumes me. Sometimes it is with great excitement that I look forward, other times dread is what fills me. I am no closer to knowing the future than anyone else, and so I wonder why it is that we spend so much time thinking about it. The present is where we should be, but I suppose we realize that the present effects the future and that drives us to want to know what our decisions today will make of us tomorrow. I feel lost in this pool of self-discovery. I want to know what lies ahead, but I am tired of trying to see through a hazy crystal ball. Today is where I am...tomorrow isn't even guaranteed...and yet it is something I focus on continually...

I don't understand all of the things that I am going through at the moment and so it gives me reason to pause and examine where I am. I want more than anything just to live for this second and let tomorrow worry about itself.

I am stronger than I give myself credit for...but today it is hard for me to stand in that knowledge. I know that I am an amazing person, meant for great things...and so I wonder why I often stand on the sidelines content to play the leading lady's best friend...I am meant for more than that. I am supposed to be my own star...I was never created to stand in the shadows, but I have allowed myself to become complacent here...I have become the understudy in my own life...I have allowed myself to fade into the background...

How do I change this? Do I take control of the things I've let slip away...or do I remain in the shadows forever forced to play a flat character...???

I am less than I should be...I should be more...

Only Me...I Can't Be More...

You know...recently I have been struggling with the whole concept of why someone wouldn't want to be with me. This is by no means a ranting of false modesty, because I know that I have many flaws, but I am somewhat of an amazing person. I am pretty...not ugly anyways...I am highly intelligent...I am quick witted and funny...I love people with all that I am...I can find a reason in anything that makes it good...I am great with children...I am an amzing house cleaner (I could use help in the kitchen though!)...I love God...and I am a good person...so why is it that all around me people are finding love, but it seems to elude me?

I don't want to be one of those people who ends up bitter and alone, and I am afraid at times that I am headed down that road. I know that part of me is already bitter...and while I am surrounded by people who love me...I tend to feel so very alone...this is never where I saw myself, and how I ended up here...I don't know that I will ever know...

I know that I just have to hang in there...it will happen at the exact moment God wants it to...not a minute sooner...or a minute later...God's timing is perfect and I know that...I have trusted him so many times in so many other areas...but this one...I struggle with it...

Mostly it is because I am scared to love...scared to be in love...scared that when I find something that resembles love...it will be taken away from me...because that's how it has happened so many times before...I hate that he did this to me...I know it's not completely his fault...but every time I think of loving someone I think of all the hurt that I went through trying to get over him...trying to realize it wasn't my fault that he didn't love me anymore...I didn't do anything for him to take his love away...but he did it...I thought he hung the moon and he brought my world crashing down around my feet...I've tried to forgive him...and it is so hard when I have to sit there and smile as though all those years of pain never actually happened...but they did...and I know they did...and it hurts...but...I go on...I just don't know if I can love the way I am meant to...

I am scared of love...I am scared even more of losing it...and so...I shut myself off...most people only get to see the surface Jessica...or the finished product...I don't want anyone to see the rough draft...the original copy...in fact...I can probably count on my hands the people who have seen that part of me...and some of them wouldn't even know the real me right now...

I don't know...most of this probably doesn't make sense...but I'm tired and sick...so...here...random thoughts of a girl undone...that's what I'm here for...and tonight...that's what you get...

I am a Square Peg

I am a square peg. It is not something that I can help. I just am. In a world of round holes I have always been oddly out of place. Fitting in has just never been something I could accomplish. Yet, it is my uniqueness that allows me to love myself. On Thursday a friend told me I was just goofy. I replied with, "If I weren't would you really want to hang out with me." His return was that I would be boring (and this is SO true). I pride myself on my wacky, off beat personality. I love that I am different, because being normal is the farthest thing from what I am. I know that we are all created in a special way, but I like to think of myself as slightly off. I told my Mel the other day that I know God must have a sense of humor, because he created me.

I love that about me! I think the reason that I am thinking about these personality traits is because spending a lot of time with the kids brings it out in me more than usual. They love my goofiness (I just hope one day that my kids will love it too and not find it embarrassing). I love to laugh and I feel like I do it more and more each day. My kids bring something amazing into my life. They are what I live for. It's funny, because I definately see them as more than just a job. They are the sunshine on a cloudy day! I wonder if My Girl was written about a daughter, as opposed to a lover (which I have always thought until now). My kids keep me happy!

I have learned so much from them. I have learned what is important and what isn't. I have learned how to give and take. They have taught me what it means to be the best me that I can be. I couldn't ask for more than I have right now.

Not everything in life is perfect (oh how I wish that were possible at times). I'm slightly hurt. It is something I will get over. It's funny because it is not a deep hurt, just a twinge of pain that threatens bitterness, but I am fighting off the desire to be bitter, instead I am smiling, because I know that with every rose there is the threat of thorns. Aside from that small thing, I am learning to lay things down and hand them over to God. It is not an easy thing to do, but I know that His will is better than my own.

I am also trying to listen intently to what He is saying. I love to hear His voice. It is my desire to be all that He wants me to be. Right now, I know that I am letting some things slip...but this is all changing...God has given me new words! He is calling me to a higher place. I am excited to see where this square peg is going to fit (because I'm tired of trying to sqeeze into these round holes!).

It Begins!

My Soul Must Sing

I am nowhere near the person I should be, but God is shaping me into more than I could ever hope to become. I am blessed beyond measure. It has been an interesting ride recently (to say the least), and I know that it is far from over. I am letting him have control of things that I have hung onto for a very long time. And so here I am standing saying, take me Lord, use me Lord. Here I am broken...laying myself prostrate before you!

God has heard the cries of my heart and has reignited a holy desperation. I long for an unsatisfied satisfaction...I want to constantly yearn for more of Him. He is all that I desire...He is my everything...my all in all...He has blessed me beyond all comprehension. I am beginning to see things clearly...and I know that His plans for me are slowly unfolding to all that he has called me to be. I am a child of the Father...he is doing something new in me.

I know that this yearning in my spirit will be satisfied with nothing but Christ. He is the reason I am even here...he spared my life so that I could be more, so that I could accomplish His will.

I look forward to all that God is getting ready to do in me and I can't wait to see it all come to fruition. My heart is SO happy...

Let God be God

I decided tonight that I am not meant to sleep. It's not that sleep doesn't come to me, it's just that God allows different people to wake me each night. Sometimes it is somewhat expected, other times, it is not expected at all. I suppose this is again my chance to talk to God, and yes, I am taking that chance now...

It's so strange how I can feel so much at once...I am so happy, yet so sad all at the time...and I feel like a battle is raging inside of me...I love where I am...I love the family I work for, these kids are my life...I love them each SO much...everyday I feel that I learn something new from them...they make so happy...and yet...I feel so very alone...my soul is deseperate for more...

Why is it so hard for us to lay things down at his feet? Well...I guess that is not the hard part...what is truly difficult is leaving it there...I've felt this way many times about many things...I will lay something down that I am chained to...but instead of undoing the chain...I stay connected to it...and even though it's there at the feet of Jesus...I am still connected to it...still holding on to a bit of what I need let go of...why is it so difficult for us to just let go and let God?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I just want to let God be God...why is that so hard for us to do?

Bump in the Road

Not that I didn't expect it to happen sooner or later...I guess I was just hoping for later...

I don't know why I let myself slip and fall...I also don't know why I am allowing myself to dwell on my mistakes...God has already forgiven me...I just have to pick up and keep on moving forward...I hate that satan knows exactly where to attack me...and the thing is...I give in so easily. I need to be stronger here...I need to allow God to have this area of my life...it is my weakness...and it is where I am tempted the most...

I just finished a book called Soul Cravings...and I know that we fill our lives with many things because we are looking for some type of fulfillment...More than anything I just want to be wanted...I want someone to desire me...to love me...to want to spend their life with me...but many times I find myself giving in to the imitation of intimacy because I become weary of waiting for the precious reality that God has for me...

I love where I have been these last few days...I am happy with where my life is and where it is going...but I don't want to be mediocre...I don't want to give in to the desires of the flesh...because those desires will come and go...but my desire for my Lord...well...that is something that will always be there...through it all...

I know that God has something in store for me...and I am so scared that my distractions will not allow me to see what God has right in front of me...so I pray that I can grow stronger...because I don't want to miss out on ALL that God has for me...