Only Me...I Can't Be More...

You know...recently I have been struggling with the whole concept of why someone wouldn't want to be with me. This is by no means a ranting of false modesty, because I know that I have many flaws, but I am somewhat of an amazing person. I am pretty...not ugly anyways...I am highly intelligent...I am quick witted and funny...I love people with all that I am...I can find a reason in anything that makes it good...I am great with children...I am an amzing house cleaner (I could use help in the kitchen though!)...I love God...and I am a good person...so why is it that all around me people are finding love, but it seems to elude me?

I don't want to be one of those people who ends up bitter and alone, and I am afraid at times that I am headed down that road. I know that part of me is already bitter...and while I am surrounded by people who love me...I tend to feel so very alone...this is never where I saw myself, and how I ended up here...I don't know that I will ever know...

I know that I just have to hang in there...it will happen at the exact moment God wants it to...not a minute sooner...or a minute later...God's timing is perfect and I know that...I have trusted him so many times in so many other areas...but this one...I struggle with it...

Mostly it is because I am scared to love...scared to be in love...scared that when I find something that resembles love...it will be taken away from me...because that's how it has happened so many times before...I hate that he did this to me...I know it's not completely his fault...but every time I think of loving someone I think of all the hurt that I went through trying to get over him...trying to realize it wasn't my fault that he didn't love me anymore...I didn't do anything for him to take his love away...but he did it...I thought he hung the moon and he brought my world crashing down around my feet...I've tried to forgive him...and it is so hard when I have to sit there and smile as though all those years of pain never actually happened...but they did...and I know they did...and it hurts...but...I go on...I just don't know if I can love the way I am meant to...

I am scared of love...I am scared even more of losing it...and so...I shut myself off...most people only get to see the surface Jessica...or the finished product...I don't want anyone to see the rough draft...the original copy...in fact...I can probably count on my hands the people who have seen that part of me...and some of them wouldn't even know the real me right now...

I don't know...most of this probably doesn't make sense...but I'm tired and sick...so...here...random thoughts of a girl undone...that's what I'm here for...and tonight...that's what you get...