My Life is Amazing

Yesterday I stood in front o my class and told them that I love my job, I love what I do, and I love every single one of my students...but they were making it very hard for me to love my job...and I don't want to hate my job...there are enough teachers out there who feel that way...I truly do love my life...my job...and my students...

Over Thanksgiving break I realized that my students are my life...well that and my best friend was in TN the whole week and I was bored out of my mind...I told her dad last night that he is not allowed to ever take her away from me that long ever again...It was way too long and it made me very sad...LOL

Besides that though...I was thinking last night...I have nothing to complain about...I have a great family and amazing friends...I have a wonderfull job and people who love me...I can't believe that I have spent the last week being all down and out...there are several reasons why, but I shouldn't let those things bring me down...I want everyone to be able to be able to be as content as I am right now...even that one thing that I always complain about isn't going to drag me down right now...I love life...

My life is amazing...

Thank God For Unanswered Prayers...

...remember when you're talking to the man upstairs
just because He doesn't answer, doesn't mean he don't care
some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers...

This year began with fasting and a list of prayer requests...On the top of that list was the desire for God to send my sister and I a Godly man...my personal request was that God would either send me a man or help me be content with being single...I've floated back an forth through thinking I had been given someone...to being content with where God has me...

The year started off with someone asking me out on a date...totally and completely unexpected and even somewhat delightful...and then...in the middle of all of that...I had another guy who suddenly showed interest...and here I thought that God was answering my prayer...a good Christian man who was cute and funny...and I was looking forward to the possibility of a relationship...I felt things that I had never felt before...and then...that fell through...my heart hurt...and then there was nothing...no one...

Somehow it was ok...I felt completely content with where I was...and where I was going...I loved every bit of my life...everything that was my life was amazing...And then I started my new job and life became even better...My students are my life...and I love my life...thus...I love my students...Everything was and pretty much still is amazing...

Then...there was this amazing guy...who was an amazing friend...we were spending lots of time together...more time than I spent with any other guy...and I began to think there was something more...and finally...when I had more than I could take...I brought it up...he then made me feel like a complete idiot for even thinking that he could like me...even though I felt completely horrible...it was amazingly liberating...

Since then...I have taken a step back...I want something to happen, but as I talked to a guy I know last night...he made me realize...that maybe God isn't saying no...He's just saying not right now...I know that He has something amazing out there for me...and I am ready to wait...I'm ready...

I just know that there has to be a reason...and someday I will know what that is...until then...I'll just be content...

I'm Smiling Again

I know that things are going to be alright...I'm smiling...and I just wanted you to know...I love that my life is where it is...even though there are things...unexplainable things...that have been pulling me down...I wish I could explain to people what has been going on...but I don't know how...

Don't worry about me though...everything is fine...I'm just going to have to take it easy...I feel wonderful...I just feel a little out of it...it could be the meds that I am on...but I just wanted you to know that you don't have to worry...I'll be fine...

Love ya...
Jess

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

Is it possible that Disney has forever ruined my concept of romance? A young girl falls in love with a dashing young man and they live happily ever after. Has Hollywood tainted my perception of relationships? This guy does this to get with that girl and that girl doesn't want to be with that guy and they all use each other to try and get what they want. I remember one time, I was watching The Wedding Planner, and at the end of the movie one of my friends said "Why can't that happen to me?" I sat there and thought about all of the stuff that the character Mary went through...she found her fiance making out with someone else the night before her wedding...her mother died when she was younger...she threw herself into her job...she lived a very lonely life...and then she ends up falling in love with someone else's fiance...almost married a guy she didn't love and then...finally...she ended up with Steve. She went through a lot of crap to get to that happy ending...

And when you think about it...in Disney movies...it's the same way...they have to go through so much in order to get the happy ending...which in reality...isn't an ending at all...but a new beginning...We don't know what happens to Cinderella after she and the prince ride off into the sunset...We watch these movies and then blame them for our misconceptions...but if we paid attention we would realize that they are just llike us...messed up...afraid of never finding someone...and realizing that all of the crap was worth it for all of the moments of happiness to come...

I guess I've just been thinking about this a lot...I want my prince charming to come and sweep me off my feet...and all of the crap that I've gone through will difinately be worth it when he comes into my life...but I don't want to be a helpless heroine...I want to be an active part of my story...

I pray continually for the man out there strong enough to be with me...He'll definately have to love me despite who I am...but I think he will be up to the challenge...I can't wait until God directs our paths...to meet with each other...and to live happily ever after (ok...that line is a bunch of something...LOL)

In Pursuit

This weekend has had plenty of ups and downs...God is stretching me and the enemy is attacking me...Tonight I sat crying...talking to a friend about how much I hate satan...I hate his lies...and I hate how easy it is to believe them...God has given me so much...and I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made...

I love this quote...

..Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others...
~ Maryanne Williamson

I don't want to play small anymore...I want to accept the fact that God has called me to be different...I don't want to be sad about now belonging...I want to rejoice in the fact that God has set me apart...Mike said something on Sunday night that is now sticking with me...one day I will find the man that will see me for all that I am and will love every bit of it...and I know that God has that person out there...this weekend has taught me that it could be closer than I think and that I have to let God continue to be in control...

I want to be pursued...I want someone to chase after me...to send me a hundred daisies and love my crazy ways...I will passionately pursue God as I want to be pursued and I know that He will allow things to begin fall into place...

I Hate Life Like...Woah!

Well...I don't really hate life. I just wish I understood things better than I actually do. Things have been so great and then all of the sudden I have a crash and burn and things are horrible again. This weekend has been a total downer for me...I hate that I get this sad and depressed...it makes me MAD! I just get so frustrated...and even more so when I can't explain to people what is wrong with me...I know what's wrong...I truly do...I just don't know how to tell other people so they actually understand why it's wrong...

Last night our college and career group had a progressive dinner...and while this should have been a great time full of fun...I just feel so out of place...I told my friend Justin the other day...I am stuck between two worlds...My friends are either all in college or all married...I have no one in between...and because of that I usually get left out of both worlds and then I belong nowhere...this might sound like one huge pity party...and maybe it is...but this is where I am right now...Even when I am surrounded by people I feel completely alone...

Why can't I just find a place where I belong? I've always been out of place...I've never been able to fit in to a place where I belong...I just stick out...I am born to be different...I should rejoice in my uniqueness...

God has given me this to carry for a reason...and I know that...He wants me to stand strong in the person that I am...and I am trying!!! This weekend has just been so hard...I want to belong...but I don't want to change...I love who I am...I just wish I felt like I belonged...Maybe someday I will find the place where I fit...until then I guess I will just be a square peg in a round hole...

I Love Life Like...Woah!

So this week has been pretty much like every other week, but for some reason I am simply in love with life right now. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I am falling hopelessly back in love with God. I feel like I am right where I need to be and that He is only going to take me to new levels in where I am going.

I've had drama practice the last few weeks and that has been amazing! I can't wait until our play! I love to act, and I love to act silly. This has been such an amazing time and I am excited to see the fruits of this labor. I am also just thankful that I get to be a part of this.

Besides that I am kinda crushing right now...and I kinda like it, kinda don't...My friend Suzie and I were talking today...you know...guys always say it's the girl that is confusing...but they are the ones who won't just come out and say what they want, or don't want, as the case may be. I just wish I knew...I wish I could somehow crack the code and that everything would just make sense...but it doesn't and so I continue to wonder...but it's worth it, because it really is just plain fun to like someone as much as I like this one...

I don't know why I got a sudden burst of happy, but I did...and wanted to share it with all of you before I headed to bed...I love you all so very much!

Jess