Today is one of those days. I don't know if it is because I'm sick and I don't feel well, or if there is some other underlying reasoning, but I miss Bartow today. I miss my family and my friends. I miss Sundays. I miss Pastor Tommy and his family...Sonny's after church...watching football games that I could care less about...I miss Lana...SO much...I miss my parents and Megan and Bruce and Brandon and Rebekah...I just do...I miss my students...I miss Tayor the most...I wish that I were there so that I could see them all...
The funny thing is...I love my job...what I'm doing is amazing...these kids are my life. I am part of a family here, but they are all I have and for the most part they are enough...but there is the small part of me that is lonely for companionship. I fill the void quite well with trips to Bartow...but I am missing something...and I feel it desperately...
The thing is...my relationship with God has been improving...I am no where near where I want to be...but I know that I am taking steps to get there...I just feel as though I am walking around wanting something that I can't even describe...maybe the reality is that I know what I want...I'm just scared of it...I'm scared to admit it...because somewhere in the back of my mind I am afraid that I will only be broken again...
Why is it that we are scared of brokeness...It is such a beautiful thing and all that we go through to get to that point is usually worth the pain...maybe...my fear is keeping me from something amazing...maybe my fear is holding me back...I don't know...but today...I sit here alone...wishing that I could let go of my fears and embrace the possibilities...
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