Sleepless Nights...

I spend many nights awake when I should be long asleep. It has been something that has plagued me over the last few months. I can't explain why. Most of the time I look at my periods of insomnia as chances to re-examine what is going on in my life. I would sit here and say that I use these times for prayer and supplication, but that would be a lie. I guess tonight is somewhat different though. Tonight I realize that when God wakes me in the night...maybe He has something to say.

I feel that God has been trying to talk to me a lot recently. He's been talking to me about where I am spiritually...where I am going in my life...and why I have been running away from him so fervently. I know that He wants me to examine my heart...He wants me to realize that He's not done with me yet. He has placed a great calling on my life, but part of me has always been scared of my calling. I fear that I won't accomplish all that I know He has set for me to do. I am scared that I will fail. I am scared of the opposition I will face. The thing is, I've known this for a long time. I didn't used to be scared. I don't know why I am now. Maybe it is because I can actually do what He has called me to now. Maybe it is that what was once a dream could soon become reality.

I hate that I used to be stronger. In the past there is no way I would let the attacks of satan keep me from what God has placed in my heart. I have let other things become priority in my heart, and that is how satan has gotten to me. He knows that my desires to feel loved and wanted have come to the forefront of my mind and heart. He has exploited these wants and desires and now they are being used against me.

I think that tonight, as I sit here typing this, God is revealing many things to me. I know that I can go to sleep peacefully tonight and expect to sleep through until morning. And tomorrow when I wake I will face the challenges head on. I will no longer turn my back to my calling, but will push forward. God placed these dreams in my heart for a reason. He has made it clear to me that He is not giving up, He is not backing down. I can do this! I know...because God promised that I could do ALL things through Him...and HE will give me strength...