Where's My Voice?

Sometimes I wonder if my words mean anything. If I were silent would anyone be able to tell the difference? Would anyone notice that this voice had ceased to exist? I often wonder why part of me desires so greatly to be heard, but the other part of me is so scared that once my voice is out there, it will not be the voice I wish to be known for. This is my biggest struggle in writing. I love to write. It is my greatest passion, but I often find myself second guessing where my writing will take me. I am scared that if I start writing I will be stuck in one place...and I guess...I just don't want to be stuck in the wrong place.

I know that the thing I love to write about the most is the dynamics of family. I love how what we do can totally change the lives of the people we love. I love to explore the fact that most of us are not thinking of the consequences of our reactions. It is intriguing to delve into how typically unselfish people can turn selfish in the blink of an eye when they are faced with certain decisions. I also love to explore the relationships as they pertain to each person in the family. Is the father closer to one child, or the oldest particularly disgusted with her mother? These are things that we see on a daily basis in real life, but to be able to explore them from a literary perspective gives me great joy.

My struggle then becomes, do I write for an adult audience? Do I write for a teen audience? Do I write for a Christian audience? Do I chuck it all and write children's books? This is my greatest dilemma when it comes to my writing. The other, slightly smaller dilemma that I face is my need to self edit. I wish that I could just sit down and write, like I do here. I wish I could let my characters take over and not think so much about making it perfect. I need to just sit down and let it all unfold. I want a story to take over and dance upon the pages. Alas, I get stuck re-reading and re-writing everything before my characters have even had the chance to become more than two dimensional.

I guess I am now going to go and motivate myself to write without self editing. Hopefully my characters won't mind if I just let them live their lives...and I just sit back and watch.

My Biggest Struggle

If you know me, or if you've ever read my blog, you would probably know the thing I struggle with the most. It always seems as though I am on a roller coaster when it comes to this subject and it is the thing that I have the hardest time with.

Being Single.

It's not that I dislike being single. In fact, I would even say that I enjoy being single on a regular basis. It is the every now and then that I begin to think about my single status that wears me down. The last couple of days have been like that for me. It's not that I don't believe God has the right person out there for me, it's that I don't understand (and I know I will one day) why I'm having to wait so long. The older I get, the harder this is to understand.

Some days it feels as though everyone around me has found someone and then I look around and I realize that a lot of my friends are still single, just not the friends that I'm around on a regular basis. I generally find myself stuck between the people who are married, or the college students who are not. I sometimes feel like I've failed a little in life by not finding someone who loves me enough to want to spend the rest of their life with me. Then I have to remind myself NOT to think negatively. It doesn't always work though.

I wish, more than anything, that there was a way to have a glimpse in to the future. I don't have to know who, but if I could have a rough estimate of when??? That would be helpful. I just get tired of the waiting sometimes. I know that the best thing comes for those who wait, and I don't want to settle for something less than that, but seriously, I don't know how much more I can handle before I just throw the towel in.

Maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe I want more than what is realistically available out there. All I know that when the day ends I feel like I'm missing out. I'm about to do just that. But I probably won't...

What am I thinking?

I wonder what would happen if I told you everything that was on my mind. Some of you would be shocked, some would be scared and others wouldn't even think twice about the words that come out of my mouth. There are so many things up there in my head, bouncing around without any clear destination. Sometimes I don't know what to do with my thoughts. I don't know if I should share them or if I should put them away, locked in some secret place that is cold and dark where no one can find them.

Sometimes my thoughts are too negative. I don't know exactly when it happened, when I decided that negative thinking was acceptable, or when I began to realize it was negative...but at some point it really began to hit me. I wish I thought more positively. I wish there were a way I could paint roses where I see nothing but gray clouds. I am that person who is completely alone even when I am surrounded by people. There is something about this loneliness that brings out my negativity. Take last night for instance...I never quite understand why it is that God allows other people to find "the right person" and why I always feel like it's never going to be my turn, but last night that's exactly how I felt. And I always go to the negative. If I were smaller than maybe someone would want to be with me, or maybe if I were prettier then I could find someone who would love me. I hate that I have those thoughts. I am beautiful. I have a great personality. I am funny and intelligent. Honestly, any guy would be lucky to have me by his side. I tend to forget those things though. I always go to the negative first and then remind myself of the positives later.

Sometimes my mind spends too much time in the gutter. My sister once sent me something that said "If it weren't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless." The saddest thing about that statement is the truth in it. I don't even know why my thoughts slip into the gutter so often. My friend Merri once said that it's not that I have a dirty mind, it's that I think like a guy and people don't expect that from a girl. This is true, but so is the fact that I have a dirty mind. I don't always spend my time in the gutter, but I think I spend more time there then I should as a Christian. With "That's What She Said" jokes, and sexual innuendos, I am constantly having to remind myself that dirty thinking is NOT something I should be doing.

I guess I've just been thinking a lot recently. And my thoughts sometimes overtake me and I never quite know what to do with them. So I write them down so that you can read them. Not that anyone ever does...but if they happen to...this is what they would see.

Thinking in status updates...

Jessica Buchanan is taking a break from Facebook.

Jessica Buchanan is headed to Orlando with Mercy, Merri and Casey.

Jessica Buchanan just made a fool of herself.

Jessica Buchanan is having a REALLY hard time NOT being on Facebook.

A few weeks ago I decided that for the first 21 days of October I would take a fast and stay off of Facebook. I thought...I've done it before...I can do it again! I can't remember it ever being THIS hard to stay away from something. I guess I really needed to let it go for a while. It's been three days and I feel like I'm counting down the hours until I can get back on. It's been good for me though. I've been able to really allow this to impact me the way a fast is supposed to.

But it's made me wonder, are we able to actually have REAL connections with people even when we don't have social networking sites to keep us together. Don't get me wrong, I will be the first to tell you how amazing I think sites like Facebook, MySpace and Twitter are, but forcing myself away from it has made me realize how dependent I am on it to keep me connected. Instead of having actual conversations, I now resort to referring to people's status updates.

"Hey, Merri, I see that you moved out of buttercup."

"Casey, how was the ghost tour?"

"Amanda, did you guys get the tattoos this weekend?"

I know when couples get together, when they break up. I know who's been hanging out with each other, and what they've been talking about recently. I can tell you which people are bored on a constant basis due to the amount of quizzes they've taken (I'm one of those people). I can tell you all about who's playing Mafia Wars and what's been going on in most of my friend's lives. Yet...besides a small percentage of people and my immediate family, I don't really hang out with a lot of my "friends" and I rarely ever talk to them. I "like" their status updates, but I have no clue how they are REALLY doing.

On the other hand it gives me an amazing opportunity to pray for people and situations I wouldn't know about otherwise. I can tell people Happy Birthday because I want them to know they are loved. I can say hi to a friend from college just because they were on my mind. It opens a lot of doors. I just can't help but feeling that it has become a crutch for social interaction. It's easier to get on facebook than it is to pick up the phone. I don't want to be that disconnected from the people I love. I want to be able to have actual conversations, to be able to go out and have dinner, or play Apples to Apples and interact with actual humans, instead of a computer screen that happens to have their newest profile picture attached to it.

I hope that this fast allows me to let God be God in my life and to help me reconnect to the humans in my life. Until then...

Jessica Buchanan is done with this blog.

More than occassionally...

Last night I was talking to God. It was a good talk, a really good talk. One of those talks that leaves you feeling satisfied. There are times when I feel that my relationship with God has become like the relationship I have with my friend Christa. She is probably one of the people who knows the most about me. I would tell her anything, and I know that she would never reveal my secrets to anyone. I love every second I spend with her, and we have a give and take relationship. We share equal talking time and genuinely care about what is going on in each others lives. So, that's a good thing, right? Well, you see, Christa and I are very close, and we see each other every Sunday at church, but we both have very busy lives that don't allow us to get together on a regular basis. Instead, we carve out time once every three months or so to spend about five hours drinking coffee and catching up. This works well for us and allows us to maintain an extremely important relationship, but sometimes I feel like that's what we do to God. We make time, every once and a while to meet with God, to catch up and chat.

In contrast, I have my two best friends, my sister Megan and my friend Amanda. I see them both several times a week. I text them more than anyone else and I am constantly, and I do mean constantly, telling them how much they mean to me and how horrible my life would be without them. They are the first ones I go to when I have any sort of news about my life. When I meet a guy...OK, OK, that doesn't really happen, but if it did they would be the first ones I would tell. They are the ones who have seen me cry the most. They love me, despite the fact that I'm crazy, and they aren't afraid to tell me when I've messed up. They have been there for me through thick and thin. I've built these relationships (well, Megan was kind of built in to my life, but we don't have to be as close as we are). They are something that I constantly have to work on, because I don't want to lose either of them.

Now, you have to understand. I wouldn't want to have a life without Christa, but if we spent more time together, we would be closer than we are. Our friendship works well for us. She has her closest friends, and I have mine, but we like having each other as well.

I guess my point is...I want to be one of God's closest friends, and I want Him to be mine too. We get too comfortable with an occasional relationship with God. He becomes that friend that is close, but not close enough to spend every day with. He becomes something that we check off our list of things to do. He should be a constant everyday thing. I want to make Him my constant everyday thing. I no longer want to be comfortable with an occasional relationship with God! He has done so much for me, who am I to think that my time is more important than my time with Him.

I have been so frustrated the past few weeks. I will be the first to say that I am not perfect, that I have messed up and that I am a sinner, but I know what it means to be a Christian. How can we constantly confess God with our tongues and then deny Him with our lives. This is why I have to change. I need to be a true Christian. I don't want to be lukewarm or cold. I want to be on fire. I want to be like Jeremiah...the word of God like a fire shut up in my bones...I want to let it out! God give me the strength to be all that you have called me to be, and to meet with you on a daily basis. Help me build a lasting relationship with you and if I let it slip into something more casual, let my spirit be quickened to it.

God gave everything. We should give nothing less.

Sometimes we have growing pains...

So...I'm almost 28 and I finally feel as though I might be able to be considered an adult. It's funny how we think, when we are younger, that we have it all figured out. Life is going to go a certain way, and we know everything. We know what we want to do, who we want to be with and who we are. We believe that life is a road stretching out before us and that the miles and miles we have to travel before we get to the end are many in number. There is no concept of life being a continual race with the end result being death. To us, death is something that happens when you get to the end of your life, not something that happens when your life has just begun. We are invincible, and we are in complete control.

My life is NOTHING like I imagined it would be. I am NOT a journalist making it in the Big Apple, writing for a magazine. I am NOT married to the man of my dreams, and I am NOT a mother. Instead I AM a strong and independent woman who has goals and ambitions that are yet to be obtained. I AM sure of who I am and I AM on my way to seeing greater things than I ever could have imagined, or even hoped for. My life is NOTHING like I imagined. It is SO MUCH BETTER!

I sat down this afternoon at lunch and talked to my sister about growing. It is not always easy to grow. When we were little and we started to get taller, they called those growing pains. Any area in our lives that demands growth requires pain. Until recently I had put myself into situations where any guy would fit into my plans of a future mate, and if they didn't, I made my life fit around their future plans. Right now, there is a guy in my life who is absolutely amazing. Honestly, I couldn't say one bad thing about him, but I know that his goals and dreams do not line up with my goals and dreams. A few years ago, this wouldn't have mattered. I would have pursued the relationship anyways. I would have gone after it with everything I had, and then I would have been hurt and it wouldn't have ended well. Instead, I have grown in this area. I know now that there is someone amazing out there that will be perfect for him, and that there is someone out there who is amazing and will be perfect for me. (To be fair, the waiting for this to happen, that is not an area in my life I have allowed myself to grow in, but I'm working on it.)

I have gotten to this point in my life where I am comfortable admitting to the fact that I don't know everything. I don't know where my life is going to end up. I don't know who I will spend the rest of my life with and I have no clue when things will fall in to place in every area of my life. I do know that I love my life, I am comfortable in my own skin, and I am blessed to be surrounded by so many who love me. It's amazing that it has taken me so long to grow this much, but I am so thankful for the lessons I've learned and for everything that is ahead of me.

Lesson Learning

I think life is one long string of lessons. Those we've learned, those we're learning, and those to be learned. This is my year to learn where my life is headed. I am taking the time to discover where I want to go. I am looking at a few different options, but I know that wherever I go I will be going with the knowledge that I have done my best to be my best.

I want to be more than I am right now. I feel like I have fallen into a life that I never intended to have. I wanted more than this. I have always wanted to be more than this! I do not understand why I can't figure everything out. Why can't I just decide where I want my life to go, and just go there. I feel like I have put my life on hold so long for something I thought would happen, that never did. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to settle into something that I can do for the rest of my life. I hate this feeling of being unsettled. I'm stuck somewhere between who I was and who I need to be. This stage of limbo is unnerving to say the least.

I remember when i was younger thinking that I would find the man of my dreams when I was 18 and get married then and there. Looking back now, I realize how silly that really was, but that's what I had always imagined my life would be. When I was 17 I met a guy who turned my world upside down. He stole my heart, or maybe I gave it to him freely, but I thought that I had found what I had been waiting for my whole life. When he broke up with me everything I experienced with him woke me up from the fantasy I had been living in. I was still a hopeless romantic, but there was a sense of realism that now pervaded that. I tend to think of myself now as a romantic realist. I still want that fantasy, the knight in shining armor, but I know now that the armor might be a little dented. :)

I just wish that I understood more. That I knew where I was headed. That things weren't so confusing and that I could honestly say that I know when I wake up tomorrow I am going to be living a life that I enjoy. Right now there is so much that I don't care for. I don't like my job. I love my friends, but wish I felt more like I fit somewhere. I don't even know what I'm saying really. I just wish I had a better handle on this crazy little thing called life. Maybe the next time I write I'll have at least something figured out...or ironed down...who knows.

This is What I Need...

I like to think that I know myself pretty well. I understand that I am a people pleaser and that I need to learn to say no when it comes to certain things (I’ve actually become much better at this). I also know that I enjoy being with people. I love to socialize. I LOVE to talk! I also know that there are times when I have to hide within myself and break away from the usual in order to protect my sanity and so that I don’t go off on people for no reason. I know my heart. I know the things I need to work on, and the things that are in my past. I know myself pretty well.

So, why is it that I am listening to what everyone else is saying about me??????

The last few months I have grown up so much. Yes, I still act crazy silly, but I will be doing that when I’m 100 years old. That is something that will never change about me. But this year is my year for growth, my year of learning, and my year to rise above the valley I have been in for the last three or four years. I have worked so hard to renew a strong relationship with Christ. I have built up my friendships so that I would have a strong support system around me. I have stayed away from things that I know I don’t need in my life. So why am I letting myself get pulled down?

I am so frustrated right now. I know I shouldn’t be. I know that the things people say they say in jest, or even sometimes in love, but I just don’t know how much more of it I can handle. I keep thinking that I will be able to just let it slide, to just let it all go in one ear and out the other, but I can’t. I keep thinking, maybe I do like him. Maybe I do want this. And then I remember that I don’t like him like that, and that I have been so happy on my own, and that all I really want to do is be me, on my own, by myself. That is what I want.

Do I think, eventually, way down the road, something could possibly happen with this person? Sure, there’s a small chance, but I know myself really well. If I think about it as a possibility now, I will obsess over it. I will go out of my way to be where he is. I will constantly be thinking about how it will all work out. I have been down this road before. I know the way that I work. I love my friends and their interest in all of this, but I know that if I even THINK about it being a possibility now, it will definitely NOT be a possibility later.

Right now, I just want to be alone. I want to learn things as a single person. There are things I still need to learn, things I still need to get through, things I still need to push through. I can’t do that if this is on my mind. That’s why I’m writing this. I need to get these thoughts out of my mind and put somewhere else. I need to not think about him. I need to not wonder. I need to not second guess myself. Instead, I need to focus on God. I need to focus on me. I need to focus on everything else, because that is what I need to do. I just need someone to understand that, even if it’s a random person who reads this and has no clue who I am. I need them to read this and understand me. I just need ONE person who understands me. That is all I need.

Revelations...

There are just times when things hit us like a ton of bricks. Something that should have been so obvious hits us right between our eyes and we feel like idiots for not having seen it before. There are things in my life that I have let dictate who I am, or where I am going, or even the way I think. I have let the thoughts and voices of a few people become the noise that I listen to, when what I really need to do is settle the voices and listen to the only one that matters.

I think we get caught up in what we hear from others and often from ourselves as well and we forget that our Father in Heaven is the only one who really matters. We let the lies of the enemy well up within us and live out those lies. How often have I heard the lie that I am not worth it and that no one will love me, or that I would be better off dead. That the world would be a better place if I weren't in it. These are the things that I have had to push away from my mind, because more often than not they are the words I hear when I am at the end of my rope. I have only tried to take my life once. I was in a dark place that I never want to see again, but that is where I was. I still get to the edge of that place at times and I have to fight, with everything that I have, to be able to make my way out of the valley. That dark place is easy to dwell in. It's easy to get caught up in the lie and even to believe it. But I have learned that the lies are merely that, lies. I am more important to God than that. I was bought at a price.

The other day I was driving and I was really struggling. I just kept asking God, what was the point, why was I even still here. There is no way that I could make a difference, there is nothing special about me, I am only a waste of space. God revealed to me that I spend too much time future focused. Don't get me wrong, having goals for the future is great, and should be something we all do, but I spend so much of my time waiting to be where God wants me to be and not focusing enough on where God has me. I am tired of living my life in the future. I want to live in the present and in the presence of God. I am so excited about what He is doing in my life and I know that everything that I have gone through in the last year or so has been so that HE receives all the glory and that I cannot say that I did it in my own strength.

I am by no counts perfect or close to it, but I have begun to realize that is what God wants from me. Imperfection. So that HE may be perfect through me. He has called me for such a time as this and I stand amazed that all that He is. I am so blessed, beyond words, to know that God's plan for me is bigger than even I can understand at the moment. God is so good and He is worthy of all of my praise. I love him so much. I can't even begin to express all that He is! I am going to be now focused! God has so much he wants me to do NOW. Where I am. Not where I am going to be. Where I am now.

Finding Time for Fun

I will have to say that one of the greatest blessings in my life is my family. I am so close to my parents and my siblings. They keep me grounded and are always there for me, no matter what. Tonight my family and I went ice skating together. When we got there, it was sold out, so we decided to go to the later session. We went home and played Wii bowling, which is now THE game in the house. Then we took a trip to Sams, which is an interesting experience all on its own.

After reading the preceding paragraph I being to wonder if I allow laziness to creep in and prohibit my writing from being anything more than a list of activities, as opposed to an open expression of art that helps people to understand my experiences. Take for instance the following, "We went to Moe's for dinner" or "After much debate we settled on going to a restaurant that welcomes you into its establishment by yelling WELCOME TO MOE'S." They both say the same thing, but the latter offers you a more complete understanding of what actually happened, but it also requires more words, more thought, and more effort. I want to be a true writer. I don't want this to be a journal, but an account of all that I experience. I want it to be more than a list of what I did, but an expression of what I encountered.

Tonight was more than just time with my family, it was a chance to appreciate all that I've been given through them. My sister has taught me so much and has helped me become who I am. She is my best friend and I can't imagine life without her. She and Bruce are the only people I feel that I can be around and truly feel a part of. They have a way of taking me into their lives without making me feel like an intruder. I love them both so much and being able to spend time with them makes my life better. Ice skating with them and my parents was definitely an experience. We arrived at the Civic center more than an hour early so that we could be sure to get skates. I think that we were possibly the fifth group of people to even get into the door. We watched people walk all the way up to the front of the line, just to check to see if the doors were open. Seriously? If the doors WERE open, don't you think we would have been in there? I am constantly amazed at the stupidity of humans.

Once we were inside the building we strapped on our skates and headed for the ice. Now, you have to understand, my sister and I have both been skating for quite some time, and then here comes everyone else, not knowing how to do it. I think Bruce might have made it around twice. I don't know about the parentals, but they weren't far behind that. It was a horribly skating experience overall though, due in large to the fact that there were close to, or maybe even over, 100 people there. The ice was nasty, and there was NO room to skate on the ice. We ended up leaving long before the three hour session was over, but the time we did spend there was somewhat of a success.

From there we went and grabbed some ice cream from Coldstone, also known as the greatest place on earth. Then we walked down to the book store. As I looked at books and read the covers I began to imagine walking into a bookstore and picking up the book I wrote and seeing it there, for the world to buy. I kind of got excited. The writing project that I begin on Monday will be what I put the greatest amount of effort into this year. I can't wait to walk into Books A Million and actually pick up the novel written by Jessica R. Buchanan. Although this day was definitely a topper, that day will be one of the best in my life.

Good Friends. Good Conversation.

A conversation is the linking of words to make coherent statements expressing ideas, opinions and desires, but when you add a good friend and Starbucks, a conversation is so much more than that. It turns into a linking of those ideas opinions and desires that transcends the simple words that are used. That kind of conversation is a linking of friends and even of souls. Five hours spent sitting outside of "the people who are taking over the world", also known as Starbucks, and not only do I learn a lot about my fellow addict, but I learn a lot about myself. I am taken in to this give and take of knowledge between friends. Sharing ourselves with one another at an attempt to humanize what we are, to bring to light all the inner workings of what we experience.

I enjoy the company of people in general, but there is definitely something about sitting and talking to someone you truly appreciate as a friend. Christa has to be one of those people who I can sit and have a five hour long conversation with. We probably could have sat there for another five hours and not have ran out of anything to say to one another. I attribute this to the fact that both Christa and myself are of deep intellectual character. We have goals and opinions. We know who we are, or at least who we want to be, and that pushes us on to delve into the deeper levels of conversation that some people are just unable to reach.

There is just something about learning from one another that makes the whole experience of bonding with someone so enjoyable. I enjoyed every moment I spent talking to Christa last night. Everything we talked about led us to something more. I am blessed to have people in my life that I can freely express my thoughts to. It was the highlight of my day, and it made everything seem worth it. I love how something as simple as good conversation with a good friend can make the mundane seem little in comparison to the greatness that we encounter at the oddest of times.

Happy New Year

I love the beginning of a new year. It has that crisp feeling of a brand new $20 dollar bill that's hot off the press. Or the way a new outfit feels the first time you ever wear it out. And it smells like laundry right as it comes out of the dryer. It has a way of making you feel like anything is possible and that you could not possibly fail at anything that you set out to do.

My life has always been something of a series of turbulent waves, crashing upon the shore and floating back into the steady current of the every day. Over the last year I have learned a lot about myself; who I am, what I believe, where I stand, where I am and where I am headed. I have had to make tough decisions and learn to live with the choices I make. This year held much that was expected and a lot that wasn't. In all, 2008 is the year I grew up. This year I want to put all I learned into practice. I plan on being the best I can be at my job, at church, and at life in general. I want to grow more, to learn more, to be more.

I've never been one for New Year's resolutions. I think I did them when I was younger because I thought I had to. My pastor says that if it's not something you are will to change at any moment, then it is not something you are going to change because you make a resolution. Resolutions fail because we do not have the constitution to see them through. This year I do not plan on making resolutions, but rather, I plan on making changes. I want to be the best version of myself. I want to succeed at the things I've been to scared to accomplish.

1. First and foremost I want to finish my manuscript. I want to take the story that I have in my head and place the words out there for others to read and to understand that there is much we can learn from those who brought us into this world.

2. I want to get on top of my finances. I want to be debt free at the end of the year.

3. I want to expand my mind. To read at least one book a month, no matter how busy I am.

4. I want to be happy with who I am inside and out. I don't want to say that I plan on losing weight, because I always seem to want to do that, and I always set myself up for failure, but I do plan on making my health a priority this year.

5. I want to make a difference in someone's life.

This year I plan on becoming who I was born to be. I want to embrace life to its fullest potential. Live without regrets. Ride the tide and never look back. This year I want to embrace each moment. I want this to be a year that I will never forget.