What I Learned from Getting Unplugged

There was a point, a couple of months ago, when I felt that social media had become a drain on my emotions. People post their opinions in a dichotomous manner, where their truth is the only truth. I tend to avoid these types of posts myself because I live in a world where I often see many shades of grey. Watching people verbally abuse each other was getting a little taxing on me...so I decided it was time for a break. I also decided to unplug from television and movies during this time...mostly because I saw all of these things as time-wasters and wondered what my life would be like with more time.

Here's what I learned...

IF I DIDN'T POST IT, DID IT REALLY HAPPEN?

The first few days weren't really all that hard, but there would be thoughts or moments that became status updates in my head. Talking to one of my best friends, I said it was like that saying..."If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" Guess what...my life still went on without posting my every waking thought to Facebook. Even now, having been back in the world of social media for the last three days, the only thing I have posted is an updated profile pic on FB and a few of the projects I completed while away have been posted on Insta.

I SHOULDN'T RELY ON SOCIAL MEDIA FOR CURRENT AFFAIRS

A lot happened in our world during the month of July. I found out that I was depending on my newsfeed for updates on current affairs. This quickly became something I remedied by checking online news sources in the mornings before work. I wanted to be unplugged, not uninformed.

RELATIONSHIPS NEED TO MOVE BEYOND THE SCREEN

When a thought came to me that was clever or interesting (we all know that happens frequently), instead of posting to social media, I reached out to a family member or friend who I thought would appreciate my meanderings. I think my poor brother got the brunt of my social media hiatus (but I don't think he minded...much). We need to take a step away from the computer and reach out to connect with those we love in a real and meaningful way. My family and friends don't live nearby, so I sent a text, or picked up the phone. One of the most valuable lessons I learned.

I SPEND TOO MUCH TIME WASTING TIME

This was the most easily recognized lesson. I deep cleaned my apartment (shampooed carpets, wiped down baseboards, etc.), finished some projects I had wanted to do for a while, and read nine books! For the first two weeks, I went through a rather real Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) period, but then once I realized that life goes on...I really focused on living and not worrying about capturing every moment for the masses.

So...you may be asking...WHAT NOW?

So glad you asked...I have decided to not download the Facebook app back to my phone. I'll check it on my computer at home, but otherwise, I refuse to fall back into the routine of checking FB every ten to fifteen minutes to see who liked or commented on my insignificant (or even significant) moments.

I have also created a list of things I think are important to do every day (make sure the apartment is clean, read for at least an hour, workout) that all have to be done before I watch any type of television.

You may be wondering how I plan on keeping this up...how will I stay accountable? I learned, through this last month, that I am stronger than I give myself credit for...so I am going to do the best I can...understanding there will be days that aren't that great...but now that I realize I am beyond the need for approval...I guess it doesn't really matter.

FAVORITE LESSON: I am only accountable to me! 

Respect Her Journey

I used to have a friend who would tell me, when I was feeling down about not having reached the milestone of marriage, that marriage isn't an accomplishment. She would tell me that my success wasn't measured by my marital status. Mean, ugly people get married too.

I've been thinking about this a lot recently, about how each person has their own path to walk, and what it means for us to let them fully embrace that journey. One of my friends posted the other day about feeling condemned for buying formula, because everyone knows "breast is best". However, if you knew the steps her path have taken her on, you would know why formula was the best option for her and her baby. Who are we to tell her that she's wrong?

My sister and I joke a lot about the fact that when it comes time for me to have my own children, I will probably need drugs. She delivered both of her's without drugs. Does that mean I will be less of a champion, less of a mom? No…it just means my path may be different.

We have a tendency to listen with the intent to speak. Before the other person has ended their sentence, we are already contemplating how we want to respond. With this concept in mind, how different would it be for us to listen with the intent of accepting the words that are being spoken? Next time someone has a different path than your's, why don't you try to hear their story. You want them to respect your decisions, so the least you can do is respect theirs.

Listen to their story and your vision will begin to expand.

I see this inability to accept others play out on an almost daily basis. We decide what is right according to us and any deviation from that is obviously wrong. I lived a lot of my life that way. I saw everything as black and white. There were no shades of grey. What I have learned is that I will never fully understand someone's decisions without fully understanding their circumstances. Even then it can be questionable.

Remember to take a step back. Move your own view around. Try to think of where they are coming from, what they have been through, and how you can accept them where they are, not where you think they should be.

It's easy to think you have all of the answers, it's harder to admit that you aren't always right. This is for all of those out there who just want to have your decisions respected. This is also for those who will never have that chance.

Ramblings of a Hurting Heart

I've been single a long time. Most of my life actually. There have been moments where I have struggled with my singleness, not fully understanding why I had to endure life alone. But there have been other moments where I have embraced every aspect of being single.

What I have found is that the single status means something different for everyone. I know for myself, I have gone through several phases of singleness. I am sharing this, mostly because I feel that I have words that need to escape me, but also because I hope someone out there might read these words and think, "Finally, someone else understands."

I have been very fortunate to be surrounded by people in strong, loving marriages. I'm also very blessed to have an amazing mother who stayed home and loved us with everything she had! So from a young age, I always thought I would be married by the time I was 18 (Thank God I was wrong about that!!!). I was also an avid babysitter, so the idea of starting a family was something that just seemed like the obvious progression for my life. God had other plans.

I didn't even have my first boyfriend/kiss until I was 17 years old. I naively thought that the first guy I dated would be the guy I married. I mean, I waited 17 years, right? Wrong. He did everything right. Our first date was spectacular, and I will always be grateful to him that our first kiss seemed like something out of a movie, but it didn't take long for the crappy ending and rolling credits.

That's ok. I just figured that meant I'd meet him in college. We'd fall in love over books in the library and get married with all of our college friends around us. I watched this happen for so many of my friends. I was a catch. Smart. Funny. Amazing. I had my fair share of crushes, and I can think of a few of you that I definitely liked as more than friends, but I maybe went on three dates my entire time in college. It wasn't meant to be.

I had a short-lived relationship after college. He was funny, and he liked me. I think by that point I had decided no one else ever would, so I fell in love with the idea of him more than him. He broke up with me at an airport. It's always one of my favorite stories to tell. He helped me realize that being single wasn't such a bad thing for me.

After that, I was single for a very long time. I may have had crushes, but no one stood out to me. This was a season of singleness where I was content for the most part. Or at least, that's what I can remember. During these seasons I have had moments where I cry out to God, asking WHY? Did I do something wrong? Did I disappoint you in some way? Are you punishing me? Those questions usually surfaced when someone I knew was getting married.

When both of my younger siblings got married before me, I was beyond happy that they found the loves of their lives, but that doesn't mean my heart didn't break a little when I thought about the fact that I haven't found mine. It's hard, because they can't really understand how I feel, and honestly I wouldn't want them to. It's hard sometimes…this whole being alone thing.

In my late 20's I had a few different relationships. They all taught me something different:

1. That I shouldn't be in a relationship just because I want to start a family.
2. That just because we share a common faith, it doesn't mean we are meant to be.
3. That passion and drive are really quite important to me.
4. That no matter how many boxes he checks on the list, if he doesn't treat you right, he's not the right one for you.

Recently, I thought I had finally met the one I have waited so long for. He opened doors for me. He gave me amazing experiences…the symphony, a baseball game, a moonlit walk in a garden display. He loved me the way I deserve to be loved. So what happened? Well…for those of you who know me well, family is probably one of the MOST important things to me. And unfortunately, his family didn't want me. There is so much more to the story than that, but I had to make one of the hardest decisions I've ever made. I had to choose to be single again.

So here I am…in a new season of singleness. My heart hurts. I still cry out to God and ask him why. One day I will know the answer to that question. So right now, I drift between contentment and pain. It's funny, because as I type these words, the tears are streaming down my face, but…I'm ok with it. I would truly rather be single than with the wrong person.

This post is much longer than I intended, but I needed to say these things. I needed to see the words. I needed to be able to hold these random thoughts in one place.

I guess…what I really want to say is…if you are single, figure out what that means for you. Stop listening to what others say it means. If being single for you means being completely content, embrace that! If, like me, you drift between contentment and hurt, that's ok!

I promise that my writing will make more sense in the future, but for now, I leave you. Thanks for listening the random ramblings of my hurting heart.

I Need to Bleed

"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed." - Ernest Hemingway

I have always wanted to be a writer. From the time I was 12…I knew I wanted to tell stories. I wanted to entertain people. I wanted to make people laugh, and cry, and care. I still want to do those things. Today…I just want to write…no matter what that means.

The next few months…I want to write. I want to tell my stories. Some you will love. Some you will hate. Some will help you understand me more, and others will probably make you wish you didn't know me…or that you knew how to fix me!

I am a complete mess, but that is one of the best things about me. My life is kind of like a really messed up novel. And I am the character that you can't help but love.

I know it's not much, but today it's all I have. Stay posted. Tomorrow will be interesting.

Bitterness is Evil

I never write on here anymore, but I really should. Writing is cathartic. It cleanses the palate and makes many things more bearable.

So what is it that brings me here at this late hour? Bitterness.

Bitterness is evil. It creeps upon you and engulfs you in a way that catches you by surprise. At first, you realize something is happening, but by the time you know what it is, there is no way to stop it. Right now, I am bitter. I don't want to be. In fact, what I want more than anything, is to put this computer down, crawl under my covers, and sleep. However…all this does is make me more upset as the thoughts roll around inside my head of the hurt that has turned into this evil creature.

I've decided that's what bitterness is. It is hurt magnified.

I spent the last year of my life working on a project that became my child. I spent every extra hour researching and culminating my findings into this beautiful presentation that others loved, but ultimately, all of my time and effort were thrown out.

Previous to that, I spent three, almost four years on another project that was never going to be what I wanted (yet I put my usual passion and fervor in to it). Now…these two projects are merging together and I'm hurt. I'm so incredibly hurt. And that hurt just welled up inside me and came spilling out as bitterness.

I know there must be a switch somewhere that will turn the bitterness off as quickly as it came on, I just don't know where it is. I'm ready to move on from this, but that means more than I think I can handle at the moment. I will get through this...

My Heart on a String

The last two months have been an extreme emotional roller coaster. I feel like there have been so many more downs than ups and those downs have been pretty painful. I didn't realize that love, when not returned, could be this hard to handle. I remember my first heartbreak. I was 17 years old. I thought that I was in love. I thought...this guy has to be the right guy. He knew all the right things to say, and I was willing to believe all the lines he fed me. Four months later I was crying myself to sleep in my parent's bed as they tried to get me to breathe through it. I just knew it was the end of the world.

I remember the second time I thought I had met "Mr. Right". I thought we had one of those stories that would be cute to tell when we were older. How I didn't understand why he was such a big deal. Or how I thought he was joking when he said that he liked me. I thought I had found this really great guy who could actually be The One. Silly me. He was just interested in the game. I had to pry it out of him that he had gotten a girl friend in the middle of our story. How did I not see this.

I think it's kind of funny, looking back now, how many tears I wasted on those two guys. I put my heart out on the line...thinking they would keep it safe.

This heartbreak that I am going through now is different. This guy started out as my friend. The first few months that I worked at my new job I thought I was going to quit every day. One day I was so upset and I remember going to this guy, this guy that I barely knew, and I cried in front of him. He calmed me down and made me see things rationally. From that point on, he was my friend. We had known each other a year before our friendship turned into flirtation. And for the last two and a half years our friendship has grown into this thing that I don't even know how to define.

There were two other times...February of last year and November of last year...where he hurt me and I cried. I thought things were over. I don't know why this time hurts so bad. I just know that my heart almost feels as though it no longer works the same.

I told him last week that I was going to give him a month. Let him really think about our relationship. If he still doesn't want me...then I'll leave him alone. The truth is...I'm pretty sure that even if I give him a month...he's still not going to pick me. Which is really unfortunate. I think we would have been good together. Obviously, this is just another bump on the road to finding the right guy. Probably the hardest bump I've ever had to go over.

I love this man. Yes. I said it, where other people can read about it. I fell in love. He's smart, funny, a complete nerd (which he would deny vehemently!), cultured, well traveled, driven. He makes me feel alive when I'm with him. There are times when he is a complete ass hole (sorry, there really is no other word for him, I promise) and makes me feel like a moron...but he always redeems himself.

A few months ago I was having a really bad day and he told me I should come over. I had been bugging him about watching the latest episode of Game of Thrones. He let me lay on his bed, made me dinner, and then let me watch tv. It's funny how much that meant to me. He probably doesn't think about that night.

He tells me he loves me and that he cares about me, and he doesn't seem to understand that those words don't mean much when there's no action behind them. I am absolutely sure that I will make it through this. I'll get to the other side and know exactly why I had to walk through the pain. I will be stronger. But I'm scared that this is going to keep me from being open to the possibility that someone could actually REALLY love me.

Writing

This is a picture of my latest writing utensil purchase. I have an addiction. Type writers, pens, notebooks...I can't quite get enough of them. There is something about putting words to paper that makes you really live. Words are freeing. They give hope. They bring peace. They are powerful. They can also tear down. Destroy. Kill.

I love to write. To bring my thoughts to life and let them dance upon a page. They help me live. I don't write as much as I should. I don't stretch myself but I think it's time to start. I want to live again and I think the only way I can do that is to write! It's time do dust the cobwebs from the deep recesses of my imagination and to let myself live again. To being to life the characters I have kept hidden for too long.

Today it is vital that I let myself have the chance to live through my words...it is time again to let myself pwrite and not be afraid of rejection.