Living in the Moment

Do you ever feel like you are planning everything, and never really living in the moment? I feel like I try too hard to do the right thing. I miss what could be a great experience because I am spending more time thinking than actually doing. Over the last few days I have struggled with thoughts and feelings that I prefer to push aside. I would rather not choose what I want and thus avoiding all matter of conversation involving these thoughts and feelings. It seems to work out well for me.

Right now the truth is that I am going through too much to even make a decision about any of this. I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want to get hurt. I take a step back and look at the situation before me and come to the conclusion that no matter what, someone is going to get hurt. I think this is why I don't make decisions well, I'm afraid I'll make the wrong choice, and everything will go wrong. Another reason for this is that I have made too many choices based on what others think, that now that I should have my own opinion I don't fully know how to.

I'm tired of the battle that I have been fighting with myself over the last few weeks. I just want to be, and not have to answer any of the hard questions right now. I want to live and let live, and not try to make life affecting choices. I know that in a few months I will be away from this place and so much of the struggles that I face will no longer be staring me down. Someone said today that it sounds as though I am running away, but the truth is I just long to escape. I'm so ready to get out of here, and I don't think people understand. I love them all, but I think what I need more than anything right now is time and space. My head feels so cluttered, and I just think my life would be easier right now if all I did was come to work and go home. I don't want to be a part of this anymore. I know it doesn't make sense, and I promise I'm not depressed, I just need a break.

I have always been everything to everyone, and right now I just need to be everything for me. I've never put myself first, because I believe that a humble heart is so precious and makes me who I am. But right now I am just tired of being there for everyone. I just can't do it anymore. I don't know how else to explain how I feel right now, I just know that I am stugglin'. I go through this cycle a lot and mostly it has to do with my depression, but right now I just think it has to do with me.