I Was Crazy Once

I'm sick, but not in the way that most people get sick. You can't feel my head and see if I'm hot, you can't label it a cold, and you can't expect it to be gone in a few days. My illness has come back in full force and I can no longer contain it. I am scared right now because my mood swings are in a somewhat rapid cycle. My last breakdown was less than 20 days ago.

Yesterday seemed like such a good day. I had fun with Faith and then I just fell. I went to the intramural field to wait for my game and while I knew the people around me, there was no one that I really wanted to talk to. The longer I was there the worse I began to feel. I felt like someone was slowly choking the life out of me. I just didn't want to be there, and I didn't want to be around the people either. Please don't misunderstand me. I love the people here, I really do, but I felt like I wanted to scream. I ended up crying there in the middle of the field. Scott told me to go home, and so I walked to the van. Once in the van I could do nothing other than cry. I couldn't even drive I was so shaken.

I sat there wanting nothing more than peace. Peace of mind, peace of spirit. I just wanted to claw my way out of myself. I wanted to be able to get on the other side and figure out what I need to do. Right now, more than anything, I just know that I need to get out of here. My life seems to have stopped, and I hate feeling like that. The next few weeks are vital, and I plan to take them seriously. I don't know where I am going, or where I'll end up, I just know that I need to go out here and make my own path. Crazy or not. I need to leave, and it is going to happen soon than we think.