Overwhelmed, Underwhelmed, Whelmed

The subject of this entry was inspired by a movie. If you guess correctly you get…a smile, because that is the only thing I can afford. Anyways, I feel as though I am overwhelmed with the amount of things I could talk about right now. I have had so much going on in my life as of late and so I share with you the last couple days of my life.

Yesterday I went to Subway and was amazed at how the three words you hear the most are Jeanne, Francis and Charley. Everywhere I went people were talking about the damage, or the effects, and it just seems crazy to me. We are in the middle of history and, in my sister’s words, “haven’t we seen enough history?”

This weekend was like most others we have had in the last six weeks. Preparing for a hurricane was on the forefront of everyone’s mind. I was most concerned about my friends at Warner and those stuck out in Avon Park. I think I was most relieved when I heard that everyone was ok. Forget the power! Confession: I was happy when mine came on.

Beyond that I am having a moral dilemma. You see, I have been entertaining horrible thoughts. I know what you must be thinking, Jessica, bad thoughts, never, but it is true. I don’t think I will actually tell you the thoughts because that might leave me somewhat vulnerable. Instead I will leave you guessing what it is that my head holds.
The last few days have been amazing because I have been with friends. Faith, I swear I still couldn’t ask for a better friend. She is so sweet, and anyone who makes her cry needs a good, strong kick in the *beep*. Ok, enough of that rant. Tonight Abs and I are going out on the town, watch out Lake Wales! To the rest of you I say, goodbye!

Call Me Sage

It is only the first week of classes and already my office turns into a counseling session. I don't understand what it is about me that drawls people in. People who barely know me will come into my office and tell me their secrets. It is almost as if I have put them under a spell. Please do not misunderstand. I love that people trust me, but sometimes it becomes a bit overwhelming. I know so much about so many people, sometimes without them saying a word. I have been given a gift that often times doubles as a curse. I can read people just as easily as I can read a book.

I wish I understood myself half as well as I understand others. I am an enigma inside of a riddle ending in a question mark. I know that I am a part of reality, but recently I have felt somewhat disconnected. It is almost as if I am walking on the outside of my body. Things are happening all around me, but I am experiencing nothing. I hate when this feeling overtakes me. All I want to do is hide away because I fear someone might see past the act, and realize that something is wrong.

Alas, I am the one with the sage advice. I listen and I hear. Often I see outside of myself and am able to understand the situation better than the people who are in it. I get scared sometimes when I realize how easy it is for me to understand. My empathy is running short though and I feel like a week away will be good for me. I will miss the constant flow of students who come and talk to me, but it is what I need right now.

Faithful Friends

The last few days have been full of stressful and fun experiences. I look at my life and realize that I have a good one. I have missed my friends so much. Abby and Faith are the best friends a girl could ask for. Seriously, I don't know what I would do without them. Granted, they are almost as different as night and day. Abby is my touch of rebellion. She's not bad, but she isn't afraid of helping me cut loose once in a while. Faith, well she tends to keep me accountable. I don't think I would ever do anything that I wouldn't be comfortable telling her about later. She is my angel. I don't tell these two enough how much they mean to me.

I have known Abby for five years now. From her Freshman year of Sunburns, to her summer in Utah. She makes me laugh when I feel like crying and she has been there through so much of my college experience with me. I love the fact that she sees through my mask. She has been the friend that I have needed so many times. She helps me face the world with an up yours outlook. (Don't be offended, it's a good thing)

Now Faith, she probably blushed when she read that last sentence. She keeps me innocent. I always tell people that I get Faith better than a lot of people do, but the truth is, she gets me better than anyone else. The thought of not having her in my life is torture and so I do not think about it, instead I think of all of the memories we will make this year.

When things happen to me I always think of these two, and all I want to do is share with them. They give me their honest opinion, and in a world where that comes few and far between I am blessed to have two such people in my life. Never forget how much I love you guys!

A friend is like a star in the sky, when you lose your way they will lead you back home.

DisOrientation of the Mind

Finally school is starting, and the buzz in the hallways is music to my ears. I have missed the constant sound of students passing through the lobbies, and loitering in the office. Of course today I hear complaints that the guys are not happy with the dorms, and I wonder what is so bad. I have seen them, and despite the lack of air they weren't that bad. I would live there. Girls could not handle the no air conditioning thing, but they would be ok with the size. I would be ok with it. Of course I've lived in a room smaller than that before. I guess the thing is I am complaining about the complaining. IT DRIVES ME CRAZY!!!

Yesterday there was a small group of guys in the office complaining. One guy in particular wouldn't shut up, and for every positive thing I said he would say a negative. I got so sick of it and before I blew up I went into my office and shut the door. After contemplating what would be the proper thing to say, I went back out and told him that we have to be positive in our office, and if he was going to be negative he needed to leave. I went into my office shaking, and in tears. It was not the most fun I've ever had.

I know this is somewhat short for my endless rants, but the office is crazy and I must go.

Distorted Mirror

I went with my mom to Wendy's the other day and as I stood in line, my thoughts drifted from the #1's, 2's, and 3's to the salad options on the board. Now everyone knows which of these would be the better choice, and while I knew that a salad would not end in the guilt of wishing I had chosen the salad, all I could think of was how good a burger would taste. Of course I chose the burger, and the guilt.

When I eat, it is as if I haven't eaten in days and there is no chance I will be eating again any time soon. I have a tendency of engulfing my food, like a vacuum cleaner sucking in every last particle. The thing is I want to hit the off button, but it's like I don't know how. That day I saw a woman coming into Wendy's. She was one of those people you can't help but stare at, and yet you don't want to look. The fat on her arms and legs hung over her joints and the dimpled effect of her skin reminded me of cottage cheese. I saw her and was gripped with the fear that I would end up like her if I didn't change, so I stopped eating my burger.

I don't want to be unhappy with who I am. I also have no desire of looking like the stick figures they call models. I just want to be healthy. I started keeping a journal today of what I eat and how I want to change. I think it interesting the cycles I go through. They say it has to be a mental change, and so my mantra becomes "I must accept myself". I want to look in the mirror and see something I like, not the view of a fun house mirror with all its distortions. I am who I am, that much is true.

Unrequited Love

Have you ever loved someone who didn't love you back? I think it is almost the worse feeling in the world. There was this one guy who I loved deeply, and would even say I still love, but I always knew that I would never be what he wanted. I don't think that he would have wanted me even if I had changed. I loved him so much, that it brought me to tears. He was the kind of guy that everyone looks at with admiration. He was cute, smart, funny and so down to earth. Girls would make me laugh because they acted as though he was famous, and the very sound of his voice aimed in their direction would send them into hysterics. I never had to act that way though, because he was my best friend. We would sit and talk for hours about nothing and everything and I always said that if he asked me to marry him I would say yes in a heartbeat. He was everything that I wanted.

I still love this guy even though I know we will never be together. I have had few romantic relationships in my life, and I can't honestly say I was ever in love with any of them, but this one, I will love forever. These days I tend to play for the singles. I think it best that I avoid relationships of the romantic nature, due to the uncertainty of my future and where I want to go. I don't need to try and make myself feel whole by having a man in my life. Instead I formulate these crushes that take all of my attention. I seem to think that I must always be looking for that guy, the one. I don't feel the need to have a relationship right now, but I always seem to be searching. It is an endless cycle.

Take for instance my most recent "crush". This guy is absolutely adorable. He is sweet, so funny and he's cute. I try to come up with reasons to see him, and I get excited when he stops by my office to talk to me. I feel like I'm in Middle School, and I wonder if my home education is the reason for this. I seem to have no idea how to act when I am interested in a guy. I have no problem flirting with the guys I don't like, but when I get around a guy that I am somewhat interested in it's like I lose control of all mental abilities. Why is it that we do this? Are we programmed for self-destruction?
I suppose it is a question for contemplation.

Sigh of Relief

As we look off to the west we seem to take a deep sigh of relief. Ivan is going to pass us by. While I would not wish him on anyone, I am glad that he has taken aim somewhere other than central Florida. I no longer feel the stress that gripped every inch of my being, but I do pray for those who reside in the Panhandle of Florida. It seems that this Hurricane Season has decided to hit the state in all areas. Everywhere you look there is destruction and people are fleeing the state hoping to escape the blast of another storm.

My life is now slowly getting back to what we refer to as normal. School begins in one week, and new students will be arriving on Thursday. It has been a long summer, made longer by the storms that swept through the state. I am looking forward to the sound of students in the lobby. As classes let out the office fills with the sound of exuberant students making their way to converse with other students. I love that sound, so much that I would even say it is one of my favorites.

Today this is all I have. Once my life seems to be back in routine I will have more to say, and will update you on the happenings of my existence. Never stop trying to reach for your dreams, even when the things around you seem to make you cry.

One More Time

I returned from Kentucky on Tuesday. Frances did little damage to our already damaged town. Yet, as you look around you seem to wonder, was that tree down before? Had that building been damaged the first time? You see a different skyline with fewer trees, and more water. With everyday of rain we see more flooding, and you can't help but hold your breath as you see Ivan quickly approaching.

Evacuations have already begun in Florida, but this time I will stay put. Ivan is a threat, but one I must face. It has been an experience that I will never forget. Everyday we turn on the news and everyday they seem to say the same thing, Ivan WILL hit Florida. The Weather Channel has been the only constant in our lives over the last two weeks, but even they have become monotonous.

I don't know how much more of this I can handle. I wake up and watch the news, I get to work and I check the path, I go to bed with the sound of Steve Jerve (weather forecaster extraordinaire) in my head. Everyday I wish it were here and gone. That's what kills you. You wait and that is all you can do. I work at a college and they tell us today that we can't talk about the storm and to me it seems as though it would cause more stress than anything else. We haven't started school because of Charley, and if Ivan comes...well I don't even want to think about it.

And so again, I wonder, will we make it through this time?

Killing Me Slowly

Have you ever felt as though you were walking outside of yourself? All around you things are happening, and yet you feel more like you are watching it rather than living it. The last few weeks have been surreal to say the least. Three weeks ago I curled into a ball in the innermost room of the house. Outside you could hear the wind and feel it move the house as winds of 75+ mph blew around us. I thought that it would never end, and when it did we couldn't leave our home. The night sky had fallen as the storm took our community and turned it inside out. We slept that night in the humidity of Florida, with no power, and no idea of what had happened to our town.

As the morning light gently woke us from our sleep, you could already hear the town surveying the damage that Charley had ravaged upon us. People crowded the streets to see what was left, and what was no more. My family was blessed to have only debris covering our yard. We could not get out of our drive because trees had fallen on either side, blocking our cars in, but none had been hit. We could barely walk through the yard from the hundreds of limbs that had fallen to the ground. But it was in this time that humanity gathered together.

I was amazed when neighbors who had never met one another began to check on the people who lived around them. "Are you ok?" was the common phrase used on that day. And throughout that week we learned what community meant. As men and women worked together to restore homes and businesses, life began to go back to what was once considered normal.

Right now we wait as Frances looms over the state of Florida. I wonder what she will do. Will she destroy our town and all that we have worked to restore? Will she take our lives into the less normal once again? I'm not sure what will happen. I am sitting in the safest place right now, Kentucky! I was one of the many who left in the mass exodus of millions of people. This storm is once again the foremost thing in our lives.