Unrequited Love

Have you ever loved someone who didn't love you back? I think it is almost the worse feeling in the world. There was this one guy who I loved deeply, and would even say I still love, but I always knew that I would never be what he wanted. I don't think that he would have wanted me even if I had changed. I loved him so much, that it brought me to tears. He was the kind of guy that everyone looks at with admiration. He was cute, smart, funny and so down to earth. Girls would make me laugh because they acted as though he was famous, and the very sound of his voice aimed in their direction would send them into hysterics. I never had to act that way though, because he was my best friend. We would sit and talk for hours about nothing and everything and I always said that if he asked me to marry him I would say yes in a heartbeat. He was everything that I wanted.

I still love this guy even though I know we will never be together. I have had few romantic relationships in my life, and I can't honestly say I was ever in love with any of them, but this one, I will love forever. These days I tend to play for the singles. I think it best that I avoid relationships of the romantic nature, due to the uncertainty of my future and where I want to go. I don't need to try and make myself feel whole by having a man in my life. Instead I formulate these crushes that take all of my attention. I seem to think that I must always be looking for that guy, the one. I don't feel the need to have a relationship right now, but I always seem to be searching. It is an endless cycle.

Take for instance my most recent "crush". This guy is absolutely adorable. He is sweet, so funny and he's cute. I try to come up with reasons to see him, and I get excited when he stops by my office to talk to me. I feel like I'm in Middle School, and I wonder if my home education is the reason for this. I seem to have no idea how to act when I am interested in a guy. I have no problem flirting with the guys I don't like, but when I get around a guy that I am somewhat interested in it's like I lose control of all mental abilities. Why is it that we do this? Are we programmed for self-destruction?
I suppose it is a question for contemplation.