Music = ♥

I am sitting here listening to my Kate Nash Pandora radio station and I am in the best mood ever. I feel like I could just burst with all of this upbeat peppiness that I have going on right now. It's lovely. I love how music can do that to you. It has a way of calming you or taking you out of a bad mood and instantly putting a smile on your face. Kate Nash is BRILLIANT! Her songs have this way of making everything better.

After weeks in a funk I feel like I am beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I hate depression. I hate anxiety. The last three weeks of my life have sent me down this journey into the depths of despair. And then I think about one of my favorite movies...and the conversation between Anne and Marilla -

ANNE: Can't you even imagine you're in the depths of despair?

MARILLA: No, I can not. To despair is to turn your back on God

I don't want to turn my back on God. I need to run towards Him now more than I ever have before. My life has kind of taken me over and it's been a scary run. I don't tell people this, and since this thing is rarely read I guess I can place my thoughts upon these pages without fear...but last week I sat in my bed, taken over by the uncontrollable sobs that wouldn't stop and I remember thinking, I don't want to die, I don't want to die...and then it became I don't want to want to die. I would never try to kill myself again, but I hate when the thought that death would be easier than anything else pop into my head. I hate it SO much!

I have an amazing life...and I have finally figured out where I want to see my life to go. It's scary sometimes...because there are things I want that I don't know when will come in to play. And I think sometimes I get to a point where I just don't understand why some things haven't happened for me...but God know more than I do...So I will just trust him :)

So...I will sit here and listen to my Kate Nash radio station full of Regina Spektor, Tegan and Sara, and Lily Allen. And I will smile...and dance...and love life!

Getting Harder to Breathe...

When the words leave my head and find their way on to the pages I feel a relief. It is therapeutic to somehow get these things out of me. These last few weeks have me spiraling down into a deep depression that scares me. I haven't felt this way in years and I don't know what is keeping me here. I hate this more than anything else in the world.

My life is great. I have a good job, a loving family, and some pretty decent friends. I don't have anything to be sad about or upset about. I don't have any reason to be anxious, but I feel as though I've lost all control of reality. As much as I know that these things are real, I can't quite get a grip. I feel anxious and nervous, and I've never been so paranoid in my life. I am freaking out and I can't seem to get back on solid ground.

I am having to remind myself to breathe, and it's getting harder than it should be. I keep thinking I will wake up and that things will be back to normal. I keep thinking that I'm going get it together...but it's getting harder to actually believe it. I need to step back and let life just happen.

I don't know what's going to happen, or when I will level out...but I need it to happen soon!

I Say I Don't Care

I think I'm trying to find reasons to hurt. I think I am trying to punish myself...or make myself feel worse about who I am. I don't know why I keep doing this. I am desperately hurting right now and I can't quite seem to make it stop. I feel torn inside...and I don't fully understand why. I honestly feel like someone has ripped my heart out and is having the time of their lives stomping it to shreds. I know that no one is trying to hurt me...but I'm hurting anyways.

Today I sent out random text messages of encouragement...because I thought that it would make me feel better...instead...I feel worse. I feel even more alone...and I know that I'm not. I know that people love me and that I am well liked. I hate this! I seriously hate this. I feel like a child writing these words. I feel silly and immature. I want to throw my phone away and disconnect from every form of social interaction...because they don't make me feel more connected...they make me feel more alone. I am DONE being alone. I just deactivated my facebook account...and tonight I vow to stop sending text messages to people. I don't want to spend the every night stuck in front of a computer crying because I am hurting so bad.

Seriously...ridiculous...and I can't talk to anyone about this...because it SOUNDS RIDICULOUS!!! I hate this...and I don't care...I just don't care.

And so I cry myself to sleep once again...this sucks! God please take away these tears...please...

I Miss You

I know that I didn't make a mistake. I know that you are not the right guy for me, and I know that I am not the right girl for you. You and I are so different...but I thought we were friends. For three months...you were the most important person in my life. I don't know how to go from that to not being your friend. It feels like you have figured out the secret to this...I wish you'd share it. I want to talk to you every day, but I know that I am torturing myself...because no matter how many times I text you...you hardly ever respond...and even if I get a response it is cold and distant.

I miss you. I miss talking to you and being your friend. I miss your friends and feeling like I am part of something. I miss my second family. I miss the church. It is so hard for me to have gone from changing my life so much and living my life in your world to being completely pushed out of it. I know that it was my choice...but I didn't know it would be mean all of this.

I'm sorry that I hurt you. It was never my intention. I loved you...I do love you. It hurts because I know that no matter how much I love you we will never be right for each other. It hurts because I can't be what you need. I am sad that we're not able to be in each others lives anymore...I wish it could be different.

You will always be in my heart...even if I am far from yours. I just want you to know...even if you never read this...I miss you...

My Mid-year's Resolutions

I have a habit of making lists that I never actually get around to getting around to. I make lists of what I want to do for a day, a week, in five years...but I am standing here at a year and a half away from my 30th birthday and I think it's about time to stop playing around and start getting down to business. I want to get serious about the changes I want to see in my life I want to write the words down in a place that I will constantly come back to and see them staring back at me. Does that mean I'll actually get them accomplished? I don't know...but it's worth a shot, right?

-I want to get back to God. I have been running for so long and I had finally gotten to a good place and then, just as easily I slipped back into a routine that continually pulled me away from him. I want to spend time in devotions and prayer every day. I want to find a church that I feel comfortable in and that allows me to worship freely.

-I want to finally lose this weight that I have said for years that I would lose and have instead gained more that I need to lose. I want to get up every morning and work out. I want to eat right, not just because it's the right thing to do, but because one day when I do have a family I want them to come into this world with health a priority and life to be lived without the self-confidence issues I've always faced, and I need to find that balance now so that my children never have to. I want to enjoy going to the gym...I want it to be something I do even when I don't feel like it because I know it's what I need to do. I want to be strong...and I really, really, really want to start dancing again. I miss being able to let dance be the way I express myself other than writing.

-I want to write! I want to make writing a daily part of my routine. I want to finish a novel. I want to write something meaningful. I want to blog on a regular basis. I need to write. I need to get these words out of my head and on to the pages. No one in this world ever has to see them, or appreciate them, but this is something I need to do for me.

-I want to have deeper, more meaningful relationships with people. I want to be ok with not having a "group of friends" that I hang out with all the time, as long as I can have friendships that are lasting...that will last despite distance and time. I want to know that if my friend moves to Africa, we will still be friends because the relationship we have now is more than hanging out...but something real and deep that is strong and will hold up against all odds.

-I want to stop being so hard on myself. I want to be able to admit that sometimes things hurt me and that I don't always have to be perfect for everyone...I just have to be me. I get so tired of trying to live up to some standard that I have in my head that I think everyone is expecting me to live up to...but I'm the only who has to live with my choices and who I am...so I want to stop thinking about other people as much...and think about myself a little more.

I think those will be the things I will start on. I want to live a life that I can one day look back and be proud of. I need to stop missing out because I'm too scared. I am looking forward to these next few months...because it is my goal to make my life a better thing before the end of the year...I guess you could call this my mid-year's resolution list. :)

Wish It Didn't Hurt...

So I'm sitting here tonight trying not to feel sorry for myself. I think sometimes that I am exactly the same as I was when I was the very scared 13 year old who didn't like herself and felt so very alone. I am well liked...I always have been. People want to be my friend. I am the girl that everyone wants to be around when they need to feel better about themselves. Jessica is the girl who is encouraging and who is funny...but there must be something wrong with me...there must be something that keeps people away.

I feel silly really...sitting here crying as I type these words. I try to convince myself that how I am feeling is just some hormonal imbalance...or maybe I'm depressed and need to be on medication. There has to be a logical explanation for these feelings of loneliness and pain.

I hate this. I know that I am an amazing person and that people do love me and that I have many friends. But there are so many days that I feel completely ignored. I lost one of my best friends and I hate that he's mad at me. I hate that I let myself get so close to someone and then because I didn't feel the way he wanted me to I got pushed away. I hate that there are amazing guys in my life that would make excellent choices, but who I find myself not attracted to in that way. I hate that I have let myself become this person who barely recognizes herself anymore. It's easier for me to be in meaningless relationships...because I know in the end...they can't hurt me.

Sometimes I wish for nothing more than to escape...to run away and become someone new. To start all over again...somewhere where no one has expectations...and if I mess up no one will think twice about it. They will see me as they do everyone else.

Right now I am in so much pain...and I have been for years...and I don't know how to get out of it. I try...and I get so close...but right when I'm at the brink of freedom I get dragged back down into this pit...and right now I'm just too tired to try and get out. So I will sit here in my misery and I will be alone. I will try to do this on my own...in my own way...and I will not allow anyone to help me and I will be scared and I will be broken...and I will hurt.

I am tired now from these tears...and I don't even know if this post makes any sense. I hate that I care what he thinks of me. I hate that it hurts...but I know it was my choice...not his and that is why I live with it. I hate that I just can't find a place to fit...will I always be this oddly shaped piece that no one can seem to figure our which puzzle I belong to? Why is it that everyone else seems to find friends...and I am always alone? It hurts so very badly...it hurts it hurts it hurts

I'm tired of these tears tonight...so I will go to bed and try to think of other things...pleasant things...a life full of lovely moments...even if they have to be lonely moments.

Tiny Little Baby Steps

I feel that I am constantly growing as a person, but sometimes my growth feels as though it takes too long. I think that living in a time of instant gratification, we expect things to happen right when we want them to. I suppose I should enjoy the process and take each moment as it comes, but sometimes that just doesn't work. I get frustrated and annoyed and I just can't seem to understand why things don't happen how I want them to when I want them to.

Timing...it's a funny little thing. I'm a big believer that everything happens exactly when it needs to and seves a purpose...no matter how small it may seem at the time. That does not make it easier to wait for the things we want the most. I am constantly trying to get a tight grip on patience...but I just don't have the...um...patience to get it :) I think that my life is going in the right direction, but sometimes the timing of it all seems a little slow at times. I constantly look at other people my age and wonder how I got so far behind. The majority of my friends from school are all married and even working on expanding their families. Granted, I do not regret not getting married at a younger age, but there are times when I wonder why waiting is something I have to do.

When I talk about waiting, I am not just talking about marriage and family, but career and even why I can't seem to get motivated to do what I love the most, which I write. I used to have the greatest ambitions of being a famous author...now a days, I don't long for the fame, but merely the accomplishment of putting my words out there for others to take in. I want to write something that is life changing or relatable. I want someone to pick up the obscure book in the corner and marvel and word choice and think to themselves, wow, this person must have seen the depth of me.

I am trying to take the tiny little baby steps towards the life I want. I have so many dreams and goals that I have yet to accomplish... I often fear that I have wasted so much time on things that mean nothing and have let the things that do mean something lay in wait. They are now covered with the dust of years gone by and now it is my job to wipe away the cobwebs and renew the dreams of the past. I don't want to watch my life go by and have been merely a spectator. I want to LIVE my life. And so now...I take these steps and live...for that is all I can do.