On Being Single

Why am I 24 and still single? This question was posed to me the other night and since then I have taken a lot of time to try and discover the answer. This is not an easy question to answer because I honestly never thought I would reach this point. I always thought that I would meet the man of my dreams in college and that he would propse and we would get married near or after graduation. Alas, this dream proved false and I ended up making my way in life much different than I had planned.

I guess I should start somewhere near the beginning. You see, I have always had a big heart and as such have loved with everything that I have. When I was a child, the man I thought hung the moon stopped loving me, or so I thought. As a child I thought my grandfather was pretty much everything. He taught me to swim, he had butterscotch, he let me play with Barbie's in the play room...He was amazing! But as a 9 year old little girl I was told that he never wanted to see me again. I remember it all so vividly. My Aunt Dawn holding me in the driveway as my grandfather screamed at my mother. It took me years to heal from those scars. I thought that it must have been something I did that would drive him away. I never realized (until much, much later) that it was never my fault.

As I grew up there was never really the opportunity for me to be in relationships. I remember a couple of times when I liked a guy, or my friends said a guy liked me, but it never worked out for anything to happen. When I moved to Florida I met this guy who seemed pretty amazing. I didn't discover until later that he was at the end of a long and messy relationship and I got in on the tail end of it. He was the kind of guy who knew exactly what to say and how to say it. He really swept me away. I was young and naive and thought that they first guy I dated would be the guy I married. Little did I know that wasn't how it worked out. Don't get me wrong...I am ever so glad that it didn't!

In college it became a game that I wasn't good at. I had Scott, and he was my stand in boyfriend. We never did anything, just hung out, but he was my umbrella. As long as I had him I didn't feel the need for a boyfriend. I think there was also the intimidation factor. If a guy had dated me in college he would have been known as "Jessica Buchanan's boyfriend" because I was in student government and everyone knew who I was. It was hard to be in the center of it all and yet feel so alone.

Because of the many times I was hurt, by family, friends, and guys...I learned to put up a wall. I rarely let my gaurd down because I never wanted to get hurt. My life became about survival, and I was ok with that.

Beyond that, I have never actually met a man who could be the spiritual head of my household, who would love me the way I deserve to be loved, and wanted me as much as I wanted him. I usually tell people that I have been in love once...to someone who never knew I loved him, and never could have loved me back (at least not the same way)...but I know that what is out there is going to be so much greater than what I felt with him...

I am not really sure if this actually answered the question, but maybe if gave some insight in to my current state of solo status. I am mostly content in where I am right now, don't get me wrong...and most of you know this...I would love it if the right man were to walk in my life and be all that I have needed for so long...but I am going to be ok even if that doesn't happen right now...I figure...I've made it this long...what's a little while longer...

Hoping for sooner rather than later...
Jess

Moving

Well...tonight I moved into my new room! I have been sleeping on the couch for the last several months (partly my choice), but now I actually have a room that is all mine. I have also been going through my clothes because I now have a closet...and can I tell you...I have a lot of clothes!!! I haven't even gone through the shoes yet, but I know that won't be any better. Maybe I will get more use out of them because I can actually see them, as opposed to them being in a drawer on top of one another (my clothes that is, not my shoes).

I will miss Megan, although it might not be much different, since I hardly ever see her anyways. I am so proud of her, and so excited for this new phase in her life. I on the other hand am actually content staying right here (especially since I now have my OWN room). It will not be the same as in Kentucky...oh how I miss my mattress (but Mamaw says when I get a place of my own she will get me a mattress just like the one on my bed at her house!!! YAY!!!). I am very happy about having a place to go with no distractions, just me and my books.

Speaking of moving...Don't you feel God moving all around you? I can feel Him everywhere, and can I tell ya'...I love it! "It Begins" is only the beginning of something even greater! I can't wait until tomorrow. Go to church with your hearts prepared for what God has and He will shower down His blessings on you.

Loves,
Jess

About Being Beatiful

Beauty is skin deep...Beauty is in the eye of the beholder...A rose by any other name would smell as sweet...the sayings could go on, but beauty to me is still up for debate...

I have always found beauty in the simple things in life...to me beauty equals a butterfly's change from akward and ugly to colorful and free to fly...it equals the rain that slides down the window pane as you sit watching from inside your house...it equals the silence at sunset that explodes around you...it equals the love of a child when all other love has seemed to fade...it equals the smile of someone who just found love...it equals the moment when you realize that someone needs you...it equals a man who hung on a cross so that you and I could be set free...

I have always found comfort in the pages of Isaiah. There we are told that Jesus was not an attractive man by the world's standards, instead he was viewed as ugly. How amazing is that? What we think of as beautiful, what society tells us is beautiful, is nothing compared to the beauty of what God has given us...yet He was not beautiful by our standards.

I love that, because I do not consider myself beautiful by most people's standards, but I AM beautiful to God. I have never really thought about this before...but to God, I am beauty. How amazing is that? I can rest assured, that while I feel that those around me are more attractive (satan has been beating me up with that one today) to God I equal beauty...

Good night my beautiful friends!

To My Friends

It seems like so many people are going through the same thing these days and I just wanted to say...Remember, God is in control.

God,
Hear the cry of our hearts. When everything around us seems to be closing in and everything becomes overwhelming, please guide us down the path that You have chosen for us. You are so amazing! I know that our steps are ordered by You. I will wait on You to lead and guide me. Help us to hear YOUR voice. In our world it is so difficult to listen to that still small voice...take away the distractions. I want You to have COMPLETE control! My heart is yours, hold it in your hands, because I know that there it will be safe. Help me to let go of the pain that I have held for so long. I don't want fear of happiness to keep me from experiencing life. You have taken away the pain of the past...help me to move on...for today is a new day...and IT BEGINS! Don't let me keep looking back to the days where pain was a constant reminder of my failure...I rebuke the enemy and his lies...I will continue to seek after you in all that I am...Help me to lean not on my own understanding. Thank you God! In all these things I give you praise!
Amen

To my friends...I continually pray for you, but as this week goes by I will pray specifically for direction for all of you...I want you to know that I am here and anytime you need prayer I will gladly storm the gates of Heaven with you...Where two or more are gathered my friends...He hears our cries.

For me I would ask that you would continue to pray for me. My battle with depression has seemed like a road behind me for such a long time, but this last week satan has been at me in full force. I don't like the feeling of losing control of my emotions...please pray that God would stop the lies of satan...because I know that is all I am dealing with. I know that what is behind me does not have to effect what is ahead...but I need you to storm the gates of heaven for my petition. I love you all so much...Have a great weekend.

IT BEGINS!

My Heart Hurts

I don't know why but all of the sudden my heart hurts and all I want to do is cry. Maybe I do know why, but I just don't want everyone else to know. I just wish it would stay safe, my heart that is, locked away from others. I don't want to open up my heart anymore...it has been hurt too many times...I know I usually do the encouraging guys, and I am sorry, but tonight the tears are falling and I can't make them stop.

I know that this is an attack of satan...it has to be. Everything has been wonderful for the last two days. I have been on fire...I have been immersed in the word...I have been an encourager...I have enjoyed work...This has to be a spiritual attack...I don't want to hurt like this...I don't want to cry...I hate the tears...they make me feel weak...please pray that God build me up...because tonight I feel torn down.

I hate this up and down roller coaster so much...It reminds me of things I'd rather forget. I want to feel whole again...You have no idea how just writing this down has helped...you guys are awesome...

Jess

The One

Tonight I ended up having a long conversation about love. Finding love and keeping love. I know I don't have it all figured out, in fact I am nowhere close to having any part of it figured out. I just really wanted to tell you guys that love is out there...For those of you who are still young, don't give up, and don't let it consume you. I remember when I was 18, I thought that I needed to find someone to marry, that I needed that someone to be complete. I wish I wouldn't have spent so much time worried about that. I wish I didn't spend any time thinking about it now. I'm not worried about finding the person who will be my husband. You know why? Because I am living in God's will...and as long as I am living in that place...and my future husband is living in that place...God will bring us together.

Now, I can't deny that when the possibility appears...I think about if this could be the one, but I have been hurt too many times to let myself open up to the possibility. I want love, but I don't waste my time on something that isn't going to mean anything. Maybe this is too serious (also could be the reason I haven't found anyone)...but I'm a girl who knows what she wants. I don't want to settle...I have done that before.

Right now I want someone who loves my craziness...who thinks that my natural beauty is beauty enough...I want a man who knows I'm amazing, without trying to show him how amazing I am...And I'm not worried that I am not going to find this man...He's out there...I know it...God gives us the desires of our heart.

Ladies...don't give up! There is more to life than a relationship. There is a vast world of individuality that is out there waiting to be explored. Find out who you are, and be firmly grounded in that. Make God your number one priority, and never change for anyone else.

Gentleman...my friends...treat a lady with respect. I read something today that I feel is right for this moment...The person you are with might not be the one you end up with...so treat her the same way you would want another guy to treat your future wife...and really this can be applied to the girls to...keep your purity in tact...it is never worth giving up. Temporary satisfaction is just that...temporary!

Please...take these words to heart...they might not mean anything to anyone but me, but they do mean something...even if only to me...keep searching for God's will and everything else will fall into place...

It Begins...

So today at church amazing things began to happen...I want to jump out of my skin I am so excited! We met at the church to go over our drama and we prayed in the choir room. God was moving so deeply and I couldn't have been more amazed at the things that He is doing. He is tearing down walls and building up His army. I am anticipating that which He is getting ready to begin! That which he has already begun!

This afternoon was even more amazing! We had drama practice and can I just tell you...these kids are on fire! I want to be consumed with what God has in store for us! I was reminded of the dreams God has placed within me...and I was encouraged as well...Things are beginning already! Keep pushing in and He will pull you in!

Vision

I've been thinking about this a lot recently...about the visions God has given me...I had a friend remind me that a people without vision will perish...I like what Proverbs 29:18 of The Message Bible says:

If people can't see what God is doing,

they stumble all over themselves;

But when they attend to what he reveals,

they are most blessed.

I want to be most blessed! I want to follow the deep hungers that God has placed in my heart. I have been given so much already. I love God to fullest extent of the word and yet I know I love him less than I am able. I know that it is futile to want to go back to something you used to have, because in front of you God has given you more than you can even begin to imagine. When I was younger I felt like I was on fire. I want to fulfill my Jeremiah calling...I want to feel the fire shut up in my bones! God is so amazing and I don't want to give up on the things that he has layed before me.

My life has never been perfect and satan has attacked me with thoughts of suicide and depression. I have gone through so much to come out where I am now...I wish I could explain this to all of you, some of you know where I have been...and you know why being in the place that I am at is so important! I am excited to see what God has for me. Please continually pray that God makes my vision clear. Bleary-eyed is not the way I want to approach His calling.

I hear His voice loud and clear! I am running after the prize he has layed before me and I will continue to seek his will! I am so excited. I am SO excited!!! God is beautiful, and I love him more than life!

LIVE!!!

Love is a fickle friend. We only have today...I love these lyrics from Rent:

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future, there is no past
I live this moment as my last
There's only us, there's only this
Forget regret, or life is yours to miss
No other road, no other way
No day but today

I have learned that we should live our lives without regret. I told someone yesterday that I wish we could all just get past the bull that stands between us, humanity. Why do we play the game? Why do we dance the dance? What are we trying to prove? I don't want to be the one who stands down just to make you feel better about your choices. I want to speak out...I want to be alive...and I want to start living today!

New Me...

Life has a funny way of making you aware of who you are. Until recently I have struggled with myself. I know that many people are shocked when I say that I hate me, but it has been a hatred lasting many years. Why, you may ask, would you hate yourself? Well the answer is simple in my mind, but may sound rediculous to you. I hate myself simply because I can never be the person I want to be. I am weak and broken, yet I try to uphold the masquerade that I am strong and able to face the world. I fail daily and I feel as though I shouldn't.

I have learned in the past few months that it is ok for me to mess up. I am happy being me. It has taken me a long time to get to that point. To be able to say that I like me is a huge step in my mind's eye. I have decided recently that my life is ok, no matter the disappointments that come my way. I am stronger now than I have ever been before. And for that, I am happy. I want to love me the way that other's do. I also realize that I am loved. I need to be loved. I have been failed in that area one too many times, and now I know that I have the ulitmate love.

I am going to keep living with this new outlook. I am going to keep giving God my all. I am going to love myself, despite my down falls. I am going to be stronger in who I am, and I am not going to let myself fall down that pit again. You are seeing a new me, and I am excited to see where that me is going to go.

New Me...

Life has a funny way of making you aware of who you are. Until recently I have struggled with myself. I know that many people are shocked when I say that I hate me, but it has been a hatred lasting many years. Why, you may ask, would you hate yourself? Well the answer is simple in my mind, but may sound rediculous to you. I hate myself simply because I can never be the person I want to be. I am weak and broken, yet I try to uphold the masquerade that I am strong and able to face the world. I fail daily and I feel as though I shouldn't.

I have learned in the past few months that it is ok for me to mess up. I am happy being me. It has taken me a long time to get to that point. To be able to say that I like me is a huge step in my mind's eye. I have decided recently that my life is ok, no matter the disappointments that come my way. I am stronger now than I have ever been before. And for that, I am happy. I want to love me the way that other's do. I also realize that I am loved. I need to be loved. I have been failed in that area one too many times, and now I know that I have the ulitmate love.

I am going to keep living with this new outlook. I am going to keep giving God my all. I am going to love myself, despite my down falls. I am going to be stronger in who I am, and I am not going to let myself fall down that pit again. You are seeing a new me, and I am excited to see where that me is going to go.

The Dawn

Remember

The silent orb
Which shines at night
Plays in the heavens
Fighting new light
Soon she will
Be covered by dawn
A light fading slowly
Until she is gone

Enjoy the sunrise
As it breaks through the night
Taking away darkness
And bringing new light
The colors that burst
In the silence of dawn
Share for a moment
What has hours been gone

We cry in the darkness
Fighting the night
We search for a moment
To walk in the light
Do not worry nor fret
The return of the dawn
Soon the Light will come
And darkness must be gone

He's battle weary
But keeps through the night
A tortured man
Is our founding light
He waited three days
And at first dawn
He rose from the grave
He left, but is not gone

So remember to
Hold fast through the night
He standing right there
Guiding in light
And remember when you see
That first dawn
That he died
So your soul would never be gone

Remember

So Me...

Today I woke up and began wondering where my life is going. Am I headed up, or down? Where will I be a month from now, a year, two years, five years? I don't want a crystal ball to predict the future, but it would be nice to have an idea of the direction in which I am going. I want to be on a path. I feel like I am often freewheeling. I have no clear direction and I am getting closer to the dreaded 25. I am scared of being alone, I am scared of failing, and I am scared that I will never make a difference in the world.

I want to have a major impact on the world, even if it is only a small part of the world. I want to get out of Lake Wales (sorry to all of my Lake Wales friends) but I know that I can't go back to Kentucky (no offense to my peeps in Kentucky). I am confused with where my life is going, and I hate that. I used to be more focused. I used to have a handle on where I was going...what is going to happen to me...where am I going?

So confused,
Jess

The Greatest of These is Love

It has been a while since I have written in my blog. I have been gone on a spiritual journey, seeking God's guidance for my life. I have been running away from Him for way too long. For the last two weeks I have been running TOWARDS Him as fast as I can. My life has been up in the air for far too long and now I want God to have a hold of it. I want Him to lead me and guide my steps.

You all know that my biggest struggle is being alone, but this year I choose not to think of it as being alone, but as being free to minister in every area that God calls me. I have this really great friend, more like a brother really, who made me cry as he wrote to me, praying that I would be content in myself. I know that I generally am not content with me. I have hated myself for so many years. People are always confused by that statement, because most people love me. I am a very fun and nice person, but I often struggle to be happy with me. I am always seeing ways in which I fall short. I thank each of you for your encouragement. Be praying for me, that God would continue to bless me with this outlook. I don't want to dwell in my loneliness. I want to be content in my life.

Don't get me wrong, I am still looking for the man of my dreams, and if anyone has a man they would like to point in my direction...they can feel free...lol...just be praying that God would bring us together, that those two pieces of the puzzle would finally fit as one. You guys are amazing...all my love!

Jess

Quote

I much prefer the sharpest criticism of a single intelligent man to the thoughtless approval of the masses

Alone for the Holidays

I read this bulletin from Rachel and wanted to repost it here. It made me cry because I am so many of those things. I hate feeling like I will never be good enough. I hate this feeling of inadequacy. I want, just once, to mean something to someone. I hate the tears that fall down my face, because each one reminds me that I am alone. Will I ever find someone who loves me the way that someone is meant to be loved?

I have only been in love once and I suppose that person knows who they are, but I would die if they ever admitted it. I loved him, and I still do (although in a different way). I'm scared that I will never love anyone else that much (and that REALLY, REALLY scares me). I think more than anything this is why I don't like this time of the year, because, even surrounded by so many people, I feel so very alone.

I truly believe that the only thing left for me to do is give up. I will never find love, and I have to be ok with that. Please don't give me the "Jessica you will find someone," "Jessica you are a beautiful person," "Jessica, everything is going to work out." Honestly, I've heard now for almost six years...I just can't keep hoping only to be continuously disappointed.

Please forgive my Christmas downer, but this is how I feel right now. Struggling for breath and bleary-eyed from tears. I leave with a Merry Christmas.

Until Next Time



-To every girl who wants to be called beautiful not hot.


-To every girl that will spend her whole day looking for the perfect birthday present for you.


-To every girl who gets her heart broken because he chose the other girl instead.


-To every girl who is nice to everyone no matter who they are.


-To every girl that would die to have a decent boyfriend.


-To every girl that won't settle for the jerk.


-To every girl who would just like once to be treated like a princess.


-To every girl that cries at night because of another HeArTBrEaK.


-To every girl that won't get down on her knees and open her mouth just to get a boyfriend.


-To every girl that just wants to hold hands.


-To every girl that kisses him with meaning.


-To every girl who just wishes he CARED.


-To every girl that just wants to cuddle.


-To every girl that just wants to sleep (no sex) with him.


-To every girl that is scared to put her heart out there again because she has been hurt so many times. (so true!)


-To every girl who shows how much she cares and gets nothing back.


-To every girl that thought maybe this could be the one.


-To every girl that believes in her dreams.


-To every girl that would do anything so she could achieve them.


-To every girl that laughs at stupid stuff when she actually does think it is funny.


-To every girl who is just looking for that one and only and is having a rough time along the way.


-To every girl that has been cheated on because she's not the kind of girl who gives it up to any guy.


-To every girl that doesnt want a guy who just plays wit her emotions but actually CARES about how she feels.


-To every girl who wants words backed up with actions.


- To every girl that fell for all the lies only to find themselves alone in the end.


**To every girl that gave her heart away to have it shoved back in her face.**

THIS ONE IS FOR YOU.

Unchained and Unfree

Do you ever feel as though your life is nothing but a paradox? You live in a moment when your being pulled in two different directions. Nothing makes sense and everything makes sense. You want everything and nothing. Your life is pulling you apart and you don't know how to stop it.

My life is constantly pulling me in different directions. I see my life through clouded goggles and I wonder if things will ever be clear again. I know that life is never easy and always difficult, but there are days when I wish I were a child again and I didn't even have to make the simple choices. Have you noticed that the older you get the more responsibility you have? ALWAYS LET YOUR MOM PICK OUT YOUR CLOTHES!!!! I mean really, that is such a simple choice, yet we make it so difficult. What to eat, what to do, where to go, how to live...we begin to be bombarded with choices and we learn that we don't know as much as we always thought we did.

I want to be a child again, when the toughest choice was red or orange (popsicle that is). I feel as though I am free to make my own choices, but bound by society and parental expectations. I want to be free, yet I want to be the child again, where everything is so simple, everything is so easy.

I suppose we shall see. I look forward to the year ahead. I'm sure it will be full of even more adventures and I plan on sharing all of them with you. Stay tuned...this is going to be a wild ride!

Lost in Anticipation

I haven't written in a while, for my few and faithful I do apologize. I guess there really hasn't been a lot going on my life as of recent. I am working on the end of school. I have two more days and then it's over. I haven't spent much time thinking on my guy problems, or lack there of. I guess I have been thinking a lot about my future. Where do I want to go, what do I want to do, when will I ever figure all of this out...I am ready to start a family. I would like to be a mom in the next two to three years...but I am worried that is not the plan for me. I want it to be so badly, but I have this aching feeling that I will never get that opportunity.

I want stop pretending that I am ok with it. Everyone says that it will happen when you least expect it. They say that you will find it when you are satisfied with where you are at...what I want to know is why didn't it. I've been in those places where I was happy with my life, when everything was going great and I wasn't looking for anyone...Why didn't it happen then? Why do I have to keep waiting. This waiting thing is killing me...not waiting for the right person, but waiting to find out whether or not I am ever going to find that person.

I saw my ex tonight. For the first time in almost a year. It was crazy. We didn't really talk, but he reminded me of the failed relationship that I so desperately clung to. I wanted to be able to say I was over everything that happened, I wanted to be able to say that I had moved on, and that there was a man in my life. Not a boy...a man...I wanted to, but instead I was bitterly reminded that I am alone. I have not moved on, I have not moved past it. Who knows, maybe I am scared of commitment. Maybe I am scared that I will never be good enough.

There is another thing that is persistently threatening me. I have the problem with my self-esteem. I see these other girls and think..."Why WOULDN'T a guy rather be with them than me?"...I know that there is so much more that I have to offer than a great body. I have an amazing personality. I get along with so many people. I'm funny, I make people laugh...but I am always the bridesmaid and never the bride...Wishing the day would come sooner...
Jess

Dinner with the "Girls"

Last night I sat at Beef O'Brady's with my good friends Gin and Drea. Talk is never cheap with them, and we maxed out our credit cards last night. There were a few times when I couldn't catch my breath I was laughing so hard! Here are a few quotes from dinner...not that anyone will actually understand our random ramblings...but they sure were funny...and who knows, if you ask I might actually tell you...

"You'll never guess what I found in my parents' bedroom..." - Jess

"It's like eating Chocolate..." - Drea

"You don't want to eat chocolate with your roommate..." - Jess

"Dark Chocolate is the best..." -Drea

"Did you know that women eat more chocolate than men?" - Gin

"Wait, do you mean chocolate...or "chocolate"?" - Drea

Oh ladies...I can't even think of more...well none that wouldn't be embarrassing for me...thanks for the comments...

Jess

Fighting Within...

Last night I felt something stirring within me. I wanted to jump and scream and shout! I have come to a point again where my spirit is sensitive to what is going on around me. I see things and God begins to reveal specifics to me. I know that I am nowhere near perfect, but I felt something in the pit of my stomach last night. If we as Christians cannot get along, if we cannot turn the other cheek, then how are we to minister to those outside the church, or even in it. We need to begin holding ourselves to a higher standard. Are we living like we should? Are we taking the steps neccessary to be called a Christian?

I believe Satan is trying all he can to tear down the walls of unity in the church, and until we fight against him, he will continue to succeed. I want to see the church begin to heal within, because a broken church cannot minister to a broken people. We must be whole in order to help them become whole. I am ready to take this stand. I am ready to do what it takes to bring unity and wholeness back to Christianity. We cannot take the splinter out of our brother's eye when we ourselves have a plank.

Do not take these words lightly...but take them as a challenge. Join me in this fight and we will stand a better chance.

Keep Him First,
Jess