Home is Where the Heart Is?

You know the saying that Home is Where the Heart is? Well now that I am back in Florida I ponder that statement, and wonder if it really is true. Don't get me wrong...I love Kentucky, but I also love Florida just as much. Curious, isn't it? I mean I spent 17 years in Madisonville, and 7 years in Lake Wales, yet both places are my home, and neither one give me a complete satisfaction. When I am in Kentucky I miss my family and my friends. When I am in Florida I miss my family and the winter...and now I miss my youth. I should be at Kentucky Kingdom with them today, in fact. It makes ones head hurt, and causes me to wonder how I can find satisfaction in the fact that they will never be the same place.

Maybe I am over reacting, and things really aren't as hard as I imagine. I love being here with my family...and once I start working and life becomes more stable, things will be better. I can't wait until that day comes, but until it does I am here, and you are there, and we will never be able to make that one place. I must learn to adjust. Maybe I will find Mr. Right in the process...and maybe I'll discover that I am not meant for a Mr. Right. I hope that my life will become more interesting...and that you will continue to read my rants...and see what happens to this girl undone.

It's Been Too Long

I can't believe how long it has been since I've written in this thing. You guys know how faithful I used to be. It was my life to write in this thing. I love giving my interesting view of the world to everyone. My life has been crazy for the past few months and no computer has been my main reason for backsliding when it came to my blog. But no worries, I am moving back to Florida and hopefully that will give me the chance to catch up on this thing called writing.

The grand adventure to Kentucky was less than thrilling. I did meet a few cool people along the way (well I guess I should say re-met). Of course Meser and her family are just an extension of my own, and then there were these two brothers that I met...now friends, don't get your hopes up, they are much too young for me. But the were pretty great kids. (Patrick will probably hate me for calling him a kid). Honestly, I like talking to people who have a brain. Kim one-day-to-be Holloway was also a great addition to people I call friends. I was blessed to have some really awesome people in my life, and I don't think I would be the same without having this opportunity to know them.

Now back to the drawing board for Jess. I will be headed to Florida with the intent of teaching. I think it will be good for me right now, at least I can get my own place and practice being an adult. Don't worry, I am sure Warner will be on my list of frequent places to hang out and I will inevitably revert to my former ways. If you are out there and want to let me know what you think, or don't think, that would be cool. I will be hanging out here in KY until Sunday, so give me a yell if you want to hang with me. Packing is my main priority right now, if you looked in my bedroom you would wonder if I were actually leaving or not.

Signing out

I Am Me

Well, life sometimes seems as though it could not get any more boring, and then there are times where I feel whole again and that things are going well. Today I have felt a little of both. I am currently living vicariously through my cousin who is going out with her "friend" as I like to call him. It is all rather romantic and completely enthralling. I can hear all of my family and friends saying, "It will happen for you one day." While this may be a comfort for many I feel as though it is a way for people to say, you know you're not complete without a guy. Since when does being me include being with someone else. I don't know, maybe this is my independence speaking out here, but I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I want people to look at me and say "There's a girl with her head on her shoulders."

I can honestly say that I love being me. This has not always been the case. When I was younger I hated me, and no one could ever understand why. Now no one understands me at all. I truly was never born to fit in or to be understood. That is why I like being me so very much. I like being different and unique. I don't want to be the girl who everyone sees because she's beautiful, I want to be the girl they want to hang out with because she has something to say, and isn't afraid to get in there and get it done.

I now embark on the rest of my week with the goal of finding a job, and being happy with that part of my life. I want to be steady. I want to be an adult. I am ready to get out there and to be able to stand on my own two feet. Love me or hate me, I am who I am...and I'm ok with that.

Rain Keeps Falling On My Heart

So here I am at a point in my life where everything seems to be at a stadstill. I know that I have direction and that I will figure all of this out, but right now I feel as though nothing is quite clear. How does one discover their destiny? I try to look hard for the meaning in my life, but often times I come up short. Everyday seems to hold another riddle, and nothing ever seems to make sense.

Is there actually an answer to the riddles that I see? Am I swimming in a sea that holds no meaning? I guess that the only thing to do is to keep pushing on, to always remember that I am searching for something. I will fing the answer, but until then life must go on.

My Tears Are Falling

To my friends, or normal viewers, if there are any of those out there, I apologize for the lack of updates. I do not have regular access to computers, and thus am writing from the public library. Things here are pretty general. I wake up in the mornings, eat breakfast, walk around the lake, read, eat lunch, maybe do some cleaning, or more reading. I usually always end up going to Wal-Mart, but even that is not the same as going to the one in Lake Wales.

I miss you all terribly, and recently I have not been able to control the tears. You are all my dearest friends and I am not getting along well without you. I didn't imagine things would be this hard for me. I can't help but want you all to come into my office and tell me all about the things that are going on in your lives. Instead I must be content with the little bits and pieces I am able to get from you.

Today it is cold outside, and the sun refuses to shine. Everything here has a darker sense to it. I miss the sunshine of Florida, although I do not miss the state. I do, however, miss all of my dear friends, and even more, my family. If anyone reads this and sees one of my family members, will you please hug them for me. I am lonely without them, and it breaks my heart even now to not be with them. Please stay in touch. I will try to be better about writing.

So long to the normal

Well, I am officially a non-Floridian now, not that I ever really was one, but I have transfered over into the Kentucky zone. I have missed to bluegrass state, and while I do not miss the Sunshine state, I do miss all of those who are still there. Some of my favorite memories were born there. I still hold on to each of you dearly. I don't know if anyone will actually check in on this thing I call my blog, but I hope you all will get to see what's going on with me if you hop on here every now and then.

As of right now I still do not have a job, but do not lose hope, I will possibly be subing here until I either find something else or until I move up to Asbuy. I am going up there next week so I will get to tell you all how that goes, but right now I am not up to much other than hanging out with my cousins. I hope you all have had a merry Christmas and a happy New Year, remember that I love you, stay in touch and never forget me.

Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Night

Merry Christmas! This year Christmas feels somewhat strange. We didn't do Christmas Eve at Grandma Todd's this year because everyone was snowed in and could not make it. It didn't feel like it was really the night before Christmas. It was kinda sad. But today we ad our stockings to open and then we had Christmas at Mamaw's.

Everyone was there and it was what Christmas is supposed to be about. The cousins gathered in the den and we all played Scene It (Disney) three times. I won twice and Amy won the last game. It has been fun and I know that this entry is short, but bed time approaches for all who are old (that's me). So Goodnight!

New Beginnings

Well, for all those keeping tabs on me, I have finally made it to the Bluegrass State. It took us over 24 hours to get here, but we finally landed at about ten our time, eleven for all my Florida peeps. We were supposed to leave at about one on Tuesday, but we got delayed, and delayed some more and didn't end up actually hitting the road until about 5:30. We were almost to I-75 when the van broke down. Dad and I went in search of some transmission fluid, came back and then we were back on the road. At about 12:30 in the a.m. mom decided that she couldn't drive any more (she had only been driving for an hour) so we stopped at a hotel. I ended up sleeping in the bathtub so that I couldn't hear the symphony of snores. Needless to say I didn't get much sleep.

You would think maybe that was the end to all of our bad luck, but no. We hadn't gone very far when we started having to stop every half hour to put water in my car so that it wouldn't over heat. At about seven we stopped and it took dad four hours to fix the car. That was our last vehicular delay. Our next delay was weather related. It began to snow. While I might not be a Florida girl born and raised, I have lived there as long as I have been driving, which means that Jessica has never driven in the snow. It was an experience. I figure God was just giving me a driving lesson for any snow day that comes in my future.

But wait, there is more. There are four Madisonville exits, two of which go directly into town. We are supposed to take the first one, which gets us straight to my grandmother's. With the other exit you have to drive through town. Well I missed the first exit, causing quite a panic. I then got seperated from my parents, with a brother who kept saying he would drive if I wanted him to. At that point all I wanted to do was get to my grandmothers. It took me twice as long as it would have if I had taken the first exit, but I made it.

I felt as though a hurricane of a different nature had swept through. There was no power, people were driving around in the snow like idiots (my cousin even said, "why would anyone be out in this if that didn't have to?", reminding me of the many times I said that of people drving around in the storms), and we were under a state of emergency. Oh, the days when the weather was nice is no more. I have bad weather following me everywhere I go. But I am glad to be here.

I am excited about all that is going to happen. My life is changing, a new chapted has begun. Stay tuned to see where this will lead.

Over and Out

Well, I sit here at my desk and say goodbye. This is the last time that I will be writing from my office. It is a somewhat bittersweet moment. No longer will my days be filled with the same faces, the same office, the same routine. My life is on the way to changing forever. I know that I will be happy where I go, but it is sad to think that I am leaving those who have meant the most to me over the years.

While this is short and sweet, I must sign off, because my days here have ended.

All my love!

Tenderhearted Broken Song

Tenderhearted broken song
How you make the day go on
Always cheerful, always gay
You make the hours melt away.

Tenderhearted broken song
The days will always feel so long
Without your quiet gentle smile
Making every day worthwhile.

Tenderhearted broken song
How will I ever get along?
No short walk to see your face
But miles and miles will take its place.

Tenderhearted broken song
Do not change from right to wrong.
Do not heave a heavy sigh
For now I have to say, “good-bye”.

On My Way Out

This is my last full week at Warner Southern College. It's strange, because I know that it is really happening, but at the same time it feels surreal, almost mystic in ways. I seem detatched, but I don't want to be. I want my emotions to flow freely, not to be frightened to let the tears fall, or scared to be angry. This weekend I told someone that it bothers me that I cannot truly give myself over to my emotions. In most areas I feel as though I need justification for my emotions. It is not truly ok to feel the way I do until someone tells me it is ok.

Take this weekend for example. I got hurt. I cried. Then I felt guilty for feeling hurt. I thought maybe I was just overreacting. Maybe it was wrong for me to feel hurt by this person. It wasn't until I was sobbing on the phone with a friend that I felt it was ok to be upset, because my friend said it was ok. I think the thing that hurt the most about it, was that the person that hurt me is supposed to be my best friend.

As I talked to my co-worker today I told him that maybe it's because I am leaving that I have a low tolerance for BS, and that I want to tell people how it is. I'm not sure, all I know is that the closer I get to leaving, the closer I get to telling people off. I don't think this is the healthiest expression that I have ever had, but it is the only one that I feel right now. I am ready to leave. I will miss everyone, but it is time.

My Heart's Cry

Love is a strange creature. Psalm 8 says, "for love is strong as death, jealousy is cruel as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, a most vehement flame. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it." I long to be rid of the love that I hold deep inside. It hurts too bad to love when the one you love cannot love you back.

For the last two weeks I have had dreams of this man. Some good, but most of them only showed that he could not love me back. I know that these are only dreams, and reality could be much different, but the truth is I cannot allow myself to be hurt. I have learned to build a sturdy wall which protects my heart, and each time I let down my gaurd someone breaks the wall down, making it harder for me to trust again. This has been the process since I was 13 years old. First it was my grandfather, and then Whitney, then there was Ronnie, and when I thought that I had finally healed I let Matt in, only to be hurt again. I cannot allow myself to love. Even in friendship my love is guarded. To know that I have let the few friends I have into that intimate space I call love is hard enough for me. To leave them will be murder.

I wish that love were easier to understand, and even easier to deal with. I don't want to love this person. I am tired of loving this person, because I know in my heart of hearts that they will never love me back. Last night I heard a quote that resounds with me, "If you cannot be with the one you love, love the one your with." It sounds so sad, but right now it is all I can grasp onto. I don't want to be in love with someone who is not in love with me. My heart cannot take it anymore, but we do not choose who we love.

Season's Greetings

"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas"

Everyone is decorating for Christmas and all are getting in the mood for holiday cheer. It is so exciting to see everyone and to hear all the plans we are making. Tonight I am going to a progressive dinner and my good friend Cindy is coming along with me. I can't wait. Any time with her is a fun time!

Oh my, can you believe that I just got back from getting a pedicure. I let someone touch my feet. Now some of you might be thinking, what's the big deal? But you have to understand that I hate feet. I hate people touching my feet, and I hate when people touch me with their feet. I think that it didn't really bother me because my feet were numb from the heat and so I didn't feel her touch my feet until the end. Then I got a little sick. I almost threw up twice. I know, I'm strange, but it's just who I am.

This weekend will be filled with packing. I have to go through our attic and take out everything that belongs to me. I am looking forward to it, but it is going to be a tedious job. I can't wait to leave but at the same time I am so sad to be leaving my friends.

There is one friend in particular that I want to speak to, so here it is Katelyn:

You are so special to me, even more then I can begin to describe. You have lifted me up, and been a friend to me. I have felt honored that you would trust me with your deepest secrets. I cherish every moment that I have been allowed to spend with you. My life is better because you have been in it. I don't know what I will do without you. You put a smile on my face, even when I'm not laughing at your silliness. I will never forget that Fridays give me two whole days for people to forget what I did. Nor will I forget our conversation about the equestrian and the pyromaniac. I hope that made you laugh a little, because here comes the serious part. You are like a sister to me, and leaving you is one of the biggest cons to going to Kentucky. You are such a beautiful woman of God. You will make a great wife and mother some day (please in that order) and I look forward to the day when I get to see all your dreams come true. You are a great person, who anyone would be honored to know. I love you more than I can say.

Tears of Sadness

The days are drawing closer and the time with my friends and family begins to fade away. I am happy about my move, but I also feel a deep sense of melancholy that grips my heart. My life at Warner has been an experience that I will never forget. It is the place where I gained the type of friendships that you never lose. I have started cramming my days with lunches and evenings filled with get togethers. I will miss them all!

I feel as though my posts have been rather vague recently. I apologize for the attempt at distance from my personal life. You see things here have been hitting me like a pound of bricks lately. I have this one friend who has recently been involved with my ex. I do not care one way or another if she is interested, but she vehemently denies any interest on her part. When she first told me, all I asked was that she not come and talk to me about the things that went on between the two of them. Really, who wants to know the details of their ex's dating habits? For some reason this has not gotten through to her. I don't know how to say that I don't care without coming off as though I'm a bit. The truth is though, I don't care. And everytime she says something about it, it kills me. So this is one of my recent personal dilemmas.

The other thing is a guy problem, which I will not discuss in great detail here. I have decided that a relationship is not something I should want, nor be thinking of at this moment. I am tired of putting myself in the trap of opening up just to get hurt. I deserve someone who will treat me the way that I want to be treated. I don't want to continue in this cycle, and so I vow not to date anyone until after I have finished my Master's. I think that I can do this.

With each day it gets closer to my departure. I can't wait to leave, and now one more week is down for the count. I will cry in the next few weeks, tears of sadness. But I know that God is guiding me and so I go.

Seeing Ahead

It has been over two weeks since my last post. I am apalled that I have not kept up with my weekly rantings, but the last two weeks have been unusually strange. In my last update I was so upset, everything seemed to be going wrong. I have had a hard time trying to figure out my life, what I want and where I want to go, but things seem to be coming around.

I will be moving in a little over three weeks to the Bluegrass State, home of the Wildcats, birthplace or yours truly. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I love this feeling, and I hate it. As one chapter ends, another begins, and life as I have come to know it for these past six years will no longer be the same. I look foward to what lies ahead and I face it with the assurance that God is in complete control.

My days have been filled with joy for the last couple of weeks and I can't wait to continue on this journey called life. While this might seem short, I know that it speaks the volumes that are within my mind right now. I assure that the next few weeks will be filled with posts chronicling my transition between sunshine and bluegrass. Stay tuned, I'm sure things will get interesting.

Anxious and Alone

Right now my life is on a crash course, just asking to come spiriling down to an ugly halt. Every day I wake up and try to go about my life as though there is no need to worry, but inevitably the stress and axiety catch up with me and all I can think about is how badly I'm going to mess everything up. I know, I know, I shouldn't worry about things like that. We all mess up and we all have choices, but for me life seems to be overwhelming right now. I don't know what I will do when the time finally comes to make that last choice. Do I go or do I stay? More than anything right now, I just feel like running away.

Most of this weekend I've thought about my life and where I am headed. I keep thinking that I have it figured out, that I know exactly what I want, and then just as quickly it is gone and my mind has gone somewhere else. I live each day in a constant state of anxiety. Always wondering, always worrying. I want to care, but then I don't. I am so tired of thinking that I would love to just flip the switch and turn my brain off right now. It would work well for me. I over analyze, and my life seems to be more trouble than its worth at the moment. Don't think that I want to end my life...while that is the easy way out, it is not the out that I want. I am just tired of trying to figure it out. More and more, all I want is to leave, to escape, and to never look back.

Maybe I am doomed to a life of ordinary, and maybe I will never escape, but I know that I have to try. Because if I don't, then I will always wonder.

I Deserve Better

This entire semester has been one battle after the next. I have battled for my life, my sanity and my dignity. Mainly I have battled with my feelings and emotions. While in my head I knew that I was asking for heartache, my heart could not catch up with my head fast enough. I still loved him, not in the "I'm in love" kind of way, I don't know that I was ever at that point, but I do know that I loved him. He meant a lot to me, and when there is no closure things tend to get blurry and feelings get involved, even when you don't want them to.

The last two weeks have been a living hell because I felt as though things were resolved, and just like that the wounds were opened again. We asked for it. We put ourselves in a situation where there was no other option than to be together, but it was his attempt at making me feel like it was more that hurt. I told him I was fine just being friends, and that's it, but then he made me believe he wanted more. All I could do was worry about him. I didn't want to, but I did. Last Friday after we talked I wrote this letter, telling him exactly how I felt and on Sunday I bought a card and wrote some more, and on Monday I put the letter in the mail.

It was the hardest thing I've had to do in a long time. All day I was nervous and anxious and thought that I would explode. I wanted him to hate me, to never want to have anything to do with me again, because that would have made it easier. But when I saw him on Monday night and he came up to me and put his hand on my face and looked at me the way he did, I was so confused. I got into the van, drove away and then I yelled! I was so mad, that wasn't how things were supposed to happen.

Yesterday he came into the office and we talked for a long time. It was hard. I cried, and he almost cried, and at the end of the conversation I told him that I deserve better, and I know I will get better. And he agreed. It was hard, and it hurt, but I knew that it had to be done. I basically told him that he needed to leave me alone. He does things, and I know he doesn't realize it, but those things hurt and I told him I couldn't do it anymore. And so I lose a friend this week, and someone that I have cared about for quite some time. But it's true I do deserve better.

Next To You

I love that song. I have been listening to it over and over. I hate that I like it, but it is how I have felt recently. I think I am somewhat scared of what I could become. If I just let loose and did what I wanted to at the exact moment I wanted to do it, I would not be the same person that everyone sees me as. I am battling being true to who I was created to be, or being what I want to be at this moment in life.

This weekend has been emotionally hard for me. Friday I had a talk with a friend of mine, where I expressed concern for a problem they are facing. I care so much about this person, and it tears me apart inside to know what they are going through. This person has been everything to me. Now all I want to be is there for them. It doesn't make sense in the grand scheme of things, but in my heart it makes complete sense. On Saturday I found out that one of my sister's ex-boyfriends died in a car accident. He had been drinking and so had the driver. I was in the middle of watching Pearl Harbor when it all just hit me, and I thought about my friend and all that they are going through right now, and it tore me to pieces. I sat there and bawled!

This friend of mine scares me. They have changed, and I know that, but I still see that part of them that I fell in love with. The same dreams and desires that once kept them going are still there, it's just that they are covered by a layer of hurt and heartache. They mean a great to deal to me, and it will be hard to let them go, but I know right now that God needs me to be somewhere else. I cried out to God this weekend, and it felt so good.

My head seemed to clear and the life that I so desperatly have tried to cling on to emerged. I feel better than I have in a long time. Right now, my goal is to focus on the plans God has layed before me. I will conquer and overcome, and I am not afraid.

Choices

For those of you who know me well, you are aware that I am obsessed with Dawson's Creek and all things WB. I was scanning through some quotes from random episodes of this particular series and ran across this dialogue between Jack and Joey. I believe this is quite fitting for what I am going through these days, minus the "sleep with Pacey" comment:

Jack : Did it ever occur to you that you're so caught up in trying to make the right choice that you've never stopped to consider the possibility that there may not be a right choice, or a wrong choice, just a bunch of choices?
Joey : Thanks Jack. That's helpful.
Jack : That's the point. You don't need help. There's nothing to figure out here. There's only what you feel.
Joey : What I feel is fear.
Jack : I'm not telling you to sleep with Pacey...
Joey : But...
Jack : All the really exciting things in life require more courage than we currently have. A deep breath and a leap. See Joey, the kind of fear you're talking about... sometimes it's how you know what's worthwhile.

So maybe the fact that I am scared about the future is ok. I kept thinking that I had to have it all figured out and I have been so afraid to make a choice because it might be the wrong one. I like the thought that there isn't a right or a wrong, just a choice. Now the thing is I need to choose.

Being Real With Myself

Every day my life seems to be going more in the right direction. I have decided what I want to do with my life, and now the only question lies in how I will accomplish my goal. I have decions to make and while I know they won't be easy, I am confident that I will make the right ones. I have been struggling for a long time, and now all I want to do is feel at peace.

This weekend was interesting to say the least. I let my Inner Desires out to run loose. I had so much fun, and I don't regret anything. I think sometimes it is good to let yourself just be real. So many times we hide what we want, afraid that we will hurt someone or we will get hurt. I am tired of living in fear, and this weekend I let my fears disappear.

My heart hangs on a delicate balance at times, but I have decided to put a stronger hold on it. I want to think with my brain for a while, and not let my heart control me. I am tired of questioning myself, my desires, and my reasons. I want to make choices and not look back and wonder what if. This is my new outlook, and I don't care if I offend anyone, or do something others don't agree with. This is my life, and I am tired of living it the way others decide. I will move on, and I will move forward. That is my new desire, my new goal.

I want to be real with myself. I no longer want to live the way others think I should, I want to live for me. This is my life, and I will be real. I am tired of the fake people in my life, and I don't want to be the same as they are. I need to be who I need to be right now, and if anyone disagrees, screw 'em. I just need to be for me! I will not back, and I will not give up.