I Love the Weekends!

Being a teacher has given me a newfound appreciation for the weekend. If you think about it, all it really is, is two and a half days of unstructured fun. Unless of course you plan every single moment of your life, in that case you are probably too stressed out to enjoy the weekend. But I now realize that I must take the weekend and run! Last weekend I went to the beach. This weekend the plans are up in the air. I think tonight might be my veg night. I love to rent movies and just chill. I don't do that much during the week.

For those of you clubbers who like to go out and have a good time, have fun! I am going to have a spa night and enjoy my moments of solitude! Until later.

Jess

Life is Such a Chore

In a world where things are fast and convenient, life seems as though it is more of a chore than it should be. We wake up and continue through our day doing one thing after another. Why do we work so hard? What is it we are working for? Success? Wealth? Power? Yet, how many of us are actually going to see these, despite how hard we work. And isn't it all subjective? I mean working hard to me could be goofing to you. So then my question remains...why is it that we live life like a chore?

I don't mean to sound like a pessimist, but today I realized how worn out I am. I guess you could say it has to do with the fact that I have never really had a real job and now I wake up every morning and get ready to mold the minds of the next generation. Most days this doesn't feel like a chore. It is exciting and challenging. It is the getting up so early and going to bed so late and having no time to do anything in between that often makes it feel like a chore.

I suppose life should lived as choice and that each day we should choose to give our best. But when we do have a bump in the road, a day when life feels more like chore, it is then that we must remember the choices we have. Love life or hate it, we must all do it.

Craziness is the Only Way to Describe It

My life has been a whirlwind of events since the last time I had a chance to write. My little brother started college and moved into his dorm. I can't believe how grown up he is. He also has this new girlfriend who is super sweet and really likes him. They are a very cute couple (not that it matters, but it doesn't hurt). Well, at any rate, I like her and we have added her into our family. Meg is working at Victoria's and going to school full time as well as doing an internship with Lake Wales Hospital. She is as busy as ever. No man in her life right now, but she knows there is more to life at the moment than that. Mom has taken on another job and is working all the time. She usually comes in from one job with enough time to change and make it to the next. Dad has started his internship. He loves it and we can't wait for him to graduate (neither can he!).

I am teaching now. I have a full time job teaching 7th grade reading. It is definately interesting. I just finished my first full week with the students and I am so tired. But I guess I could say it is in a good way. I have already established most of the good ones from the bad, but I am trying to give them all a chance and pull them out of their boxes and into the class as a whole.

Besides my new job I have also experienced a renewed passion in my spiritual life. I have been praying regularly and even reading my Bible, almost every day (I'm still working on that one). We recently had Heaven's Gates and Hell's Flames at the church and the first week we did it I had a need prayed over, something that has been holding me down for years, and it was broken that week. I have not had the same weight of sin over me and I am able to breathe for the first time in a long time. God has been so good and I can only thank him for what he is doing. I love him so much.

I think the one area that I am failing in right now is in my desire for a relationship. I am trying, with all of my heart, to trust God, but at the same time I feel like I keep falling further and fruther into a pit of despair. I know that I still have plenty of time to get married and have children, but at the same time, there is a large part of me that is shouting "When?" If you know me, you know this is something I continually struggle with. I seem to always find myself wishing and hoping for that life long relationship to begin. The thing that I see right now is that I want to get over my low self image or esteem. I keep saying, "If only I were pretty." Or, "That girl is much prettier than me, why wouldn't he want to be with her instead?" and I come up with a million reasons why that guy shouldn't be with me, but one time, just one time. I would like to think I was the best thing for him. My heart hurts, and the tears that I want to cry are inummerable. Why can't I just be content? Why do the longings continue to grow stronger? I want out of this. If it isn't going to happen then I want it to be over, no more desires for a family, no more desires for a husband, no more desires for that companionship. My heart hurts to think about it, and I don't know what else to do. I want to cry, but I don't. I think my biggest fear right now is that I will never have that thing which, right now, I long for almost more than anything else.

Someday my life will seem like it has reached some level of normalcy again, and when that day comes I will let you know. Until then I will keep you posted.

What's With the "One"?

I know that I put up a good front in this whole till death do us part thing, but the honest truth is that I am ready to get in that forever and ever kind of a relationship. I still hold to the fact that I want to wait for Mr. Right, and not Mr. Right Now, but why can't I meet Mr. Right, right now? Life is inevitably made up of the twists and turns that make life worth it, I just wish for once that those twists and turns would wind up dropping me right into the lap of the man of my dreams. I suppose the mystery is what will make it so great in the end. I hate mysteries!!!

I know that I am not past my prime, I doubt that I've even hit it yet, but there is something inside me that so longs for that perfect puzzle piece that will fit my very oddly shaped one. I just don't want my desire for that forever relationship to blind me. For instance, if I were to meet a guy that would make a great potential partner, then I would probably put everything I have into it. This is what I did in my last relationship and I ended up being more concerned about where our relationship was headed than where our relationship was at the time. I ended up with a busted relationship and a broken heart.

Why does it have to all seem so difficult? Why can't I just open my eyes and see the man standing right in front of me? I mean, they say you know when you know, but really, what kind of answer is that? I don't want to be this impatient, I don't even want to want it this bad, I just know that right now, in this moment, I do. I will get there, and I know that. I just feel as though my hopes are slipping away. I want to trust God completely, but I find myself wanting to rely on me. What is wrong with me? Maybe someday I'll have the answers, or maybe one day years from now I will be sitting here asking the same questions

Give Me Directions!

So, here I am on the road in this thing called life. I take a left and then I make a right, but somehow I am stuck wondering if I should turn around and head in a different direction. I think there have been times when I have hit dead ends, gone the wrong way up a one way or got caught making a u-turn. Why is it that even in life we refuse to stop and ask for directions? Are we scared of what someone might think, or is it that we refuse to relinquish the control? I wonder what would happen if we would just let God take the driver's seat. I have a hunch that we wouldn't end up lost as often as we do.

I think right now, more than ever, I am ready to just let God take over. I feel like I keep making the wrong turns, and if I don't watch out I won't know how to get back to the right road. I want my directions to be guided by God. You know, go to GodQuest.com for directions and let His map lead the way. The Bible is right there for me to refer to and yet so often I find myself relying on my own understanding.

We are so naive to think that we can do any of this on our own. We need his wisdom and guidance to point us in the right direction. I want to let God have control. Why do I struggle with this so much? I mean, he's the one who sent his only Son to die for me and yet I can't even let him guide my path. I hope that I can begin to give him complete control, because as long as I am in the driver's seat, I will be relying on me, and it's time to start relying on Him!

E-Love

The other day I sat watching television and couldn't help but notice the E-Harmony.com commercials. It triggered a plethera of questions and I began to wonder...can we truly allow a computer dating service to hold the responsibility of matching us up with our life partner? Can you truly get to know someone who you've never actually met? What kind of love story is it to say that you met your spouse on the internet? It just seems so impersonal to me. I want a unique love story...and while it might have been unique at one time to say you met your spouse via the world wide web...it has now become a general consensus. I am not saying that it is a bad idea...I just can't imagine myself doing anything like that.

Maybe it is the hopeless romantic in me that keeps me from seeing the romance in this new era of dating. I want there to be more to my match up then whether or not our profiles line up. What if you could be truly happy with someone who would never match up to your profile? Isn't there more to meeting someone then just compatibility? Again, I am not saying that meeting someone online is bad...just not for me.

When I find love I want it to be magical. I don't have to know right off the bat...I don't even have to know for years to come...I just want it to be more than a profile being matched by people I don't even know. It is almost like a blind date set up by a blind friend...you don't know who the person is, nor do you know the person who is saying they would be a good match. I guess it all just made me stop and think.

Hopeless romantic that I am, I want love to be more than a computer screen. I want daisies and walks on the beach (I know, it is such a cliche'). I want to be able to sit with the person and watch a sunset without saying a word. I want to watch the clouds gather and part in our lives and to know that it will last. I want real love, not e-love. I might not see this love for some time, but I know it is out there, somewhere...I will wait, because once I have it, it will be worth it.

Read Me My Writes

I have never been able to explain the uncanny way I can read a book in half the time it takes most others. Since I have been home I have taken advantage of that fact. I love to read and over the last two weeks I have read five books. I am amazed with myself. I think myself something of an oddity. Do not misunderstand. I do not consider myself of some greatness, but this is something that even I cannot understand. Maybe it is the reason that I love to write so much. I think of words as my friends. They can tell you so much and help you see beyond the page. To read what is written is a gift that we often take for granted.

Writing is the other gift that comes hand in hand with ability to read. Writing gives us the chance to express the things we keep inside, scared to say, scared to share, but we still have that opportunity. I love the ability to write!

I know this is a wierd topic and only someone who loves to read and write as much as I would come up with something like this. Yet, it is what I love, and so I share with you my passion. Eat up the words around you. Take them in and learn to use them. They will take to places you could only dream. Dare to dream!

A Single Serving Please

If you know me, you know that I am quite content in my single status. But I think that my fellow singles would agree there are times when your status seems to be amplified. Tonight I sat at church sandwiched by married and dating couples. I couldn't help but notice and wonder why it is in those moments that you truly feel alone. They are my friends and would never want me to feel that way, but I couldn't help it.

Now, don't get me wrong, I truly do enjoy being single. I am my own person and quite unique in many ways. I feel that if I were to attempt getting into a realtionship on my own that I would be settling for Mr. Right Now instead of Mr. Right. I want to wait on God's timing. That could mean it will happen tomorrow or maybe ten years from now, but I have dated guys who weren't right for me, and I don't want to go through that again. I'm reading this book called "What's a Girl to Do?: While Waiting for Mr. Right" and I love it. The author has so much wit and she gets past all the fluff and dives right in there. She talks a real talk and yesterday I read a part where she said her prayer sounded something like this..."God I know that to you a day is like a thousand years, but I do not have that long, please, if you could, hurry it up a little." I thought this was hilarious in the fact that we all do it. We want it to be God's timing, but sometimes that's just not soon enough.

I am willing to wait, even if that means I have be a single "serving" for a few more years. I know God will bless all that I am and all that I do. Just sucks when those moments like above happen and that's what you think of. To all my coupled friends out there, you know I love ya, and to my other single servings, don't get discouraged but hold on to God's promises, that's what I am choosing to do.

Do Not Put Me in a Box

Today I sit here trying to remember that I am me and no one else can make my decisions for me. I have always struggled with this concept, thinking that somehow I must make my decisions for everyone else. Take my job situation for instance. I sit here with the opportunity to work in a library or to teach. Now there are positives and negatives to both of these positions, but as I have carefully weighed my options I have decided to go with the library. Some people might sit there and make a face (which they have) but I am very different than others and I enjoyed working in a library when I was in college and believe that I will continue to do so for years to come. This position provides me with the opportunity to persue a level of higher education and the chance to gain experience in order to work at any library in America, maybe even the world.

Now you might sit there and say, sounds like you have made your decision. One would think that this is a correct assumption, yet, you are not my mother. I love her, but she could drive a crazy person sane. I want to assure her that I am doing what I want to do, but for some reason it is not that easy.

I guess that I needed somewhere to vent my frustrations. I want to be happy, yet I do not think that people truly understand what it is that would make me happy. Only I can take the steps needed to fulfill areas in my life. I want to be my own person, void of external suggestion. There comes a time when your decisions effect you and you alone. I am at that point. If I stay here and work, then it is my life that I am putting here. I ask no one else to make the same choice. I am me, and I will continue to be me even when all the other voices have been drowned out. It is whether or not I will like who I am once those voices are gone that is the true question. I want the answer to be yes. And for that reason I must choose for me.

This Crazy Little Thing Called Life

My life has been a non-stop buzz since I have been back in Florida. On Friday I went to Daytona to work the Pepsi 400. It was insane. I am a big people watcher and as I watched people there I realized that race fans are almost an entire breed unto themselves. Please be aware of the fast approaching rant...I just don't understand what the big deal is. These men (and women) get into these cars and race at dangerous speeds...sounds kinda cool, until you add in the fact that thousands of people sit there and watch them go around and around and around...it never ends...and it isn't exciting. AHHHH!!!! These people are insane...add in the fact that they are drunk off their butts and you get a great combination. End rant. Saturday was pretty much the same...but due to rain the race was delayed and we didn't leave until almost 11...which meant that we didn't get home until 3:30.

Sunday we got up and went to church and afterwards we had a church picnic. It was fun and we all had a good time. When we got home we all took a nap...and we barely got up in time to get to Earnie and Kim's, but once we were there we had a great time! We ate and played games. I learned to play mafia, and I had so much fun. On Monday we went to Charlie and Melissa's for the 4th, we ate and swam...played some cards...I learned to play spades...Fireworks were an obvious choice for the night and then we went back to Charlie and Melissa's and swam. It was good times.

Yesterday I went to Epcot with Abs and Tara and Michelle. I had so much fun I can't even beging to explain. I think my moment of the day was when I was in Norway and I asked the guy working the ride where he was from...I knew that he had to be from Norway, but I mean where in Norway...They really thought that was funny...oh well...he was cute so it was cool...

This is my life now...one event after the next. Welcome to my crazy life.

Home is Where the Heart Is?

You know the saying that Home is Where the Heart is? Well now that I am back in Florida I ponder that statement, and wonder if it really is true. Don't get me wrong...I love Kentucky, but I also love Florida just as much. Curious, isn't it? I mean I spent 17 years in Madisonville, and 7 years in Lake Wales, yet both places are my home, and neither one give me a complete satisfaction. When I am in Kentucky I miss my family and my friends. When I am in Florida I miss my family and the winter...and now I miss my youth. I should be at Kentucky Kingdom with them today, in fact. It makes ones head hurt, and causes me to wonder how I can find satisfaction in the fact that they will never be the same place.

Maybe I am over reacting, and things really aren't as hard as I imagine. I love being here with my family...and once I start working and life becomes more stable, things will be better. I can't wait until that day comes, but until it does I am here, and you are there, and we will never be able to make that one place. I must learn to adjust. Maybe I will find Mr. Right in the process...and maybe I'll discover that I am not meant for a Mr. Right. I hope that my life will become more interesting...and that you will continue to read my rants...and see what happens to this girl undone.

It's Been Too Long

I can't believe how long it has been since I've written in this thing. You guys know how faithful I used to be. It was my life to write in this thing. I love giving my interesting view of the world to everyone. My life has been crazy for the past few months and no computer has been my main reason for backsliding when it came to my blog. But no worries, I am moving back to Florida and hopefully that will give me the chance to catch up on this thing called writing.

The grand adventure to Kentucky was less than thrilling. I did meet a few cool people along the way (well I guess I should say re-met). Of course Meser and her family are just an extension of my own, and then there were these two brothers that I met...now friends, don't get your hopes up, they are much too young for me. But the were pretty great kids. (Patrick will probably hate me for calling him a kid). Honestly, I like talking to people who have a brain. Kim one-day-to-be Holloway was also a great addition to people I call friends. I was blessed to have some really awesome people in my life, and I don't think I would be the same without having this opportunity to know them.

Now back to the drawing board for Jess. I will be headed to Florida with the intent of teaching. I think it will be good for me right now, at least I can get my own place and practice being an adult. Don't worry, I am sure Warner will be on my list of frequent places to hang out and I will inevitably revert to my former ways. If you are out there and want to let me know what you think, or don't think, that would be cool. I will be hanging out here in KY until Sunday, so give me a yell if you want to hang with me. Packing is my main priority right now, if you looked in my bedroom you would wonder if I were actually leaving or not.

Signing out

I Am Me

Well, life sometimes seems as though it could not get any more boring, and then there are times where I feel whole again and that things are going well. Today I have felt a little of both. I am currently living vicariously through my cousin who is going out with her "friend" as I like to call him. It is all rather romantic and completely enthralling. I can hear all of my family and friends saying, "It will happen for you one day." While this may be a comfort for many I feel as though it is a way for people to say, you know you're not complete without a guy. Since when does being me include being with someone else. I don't know, maybe this is my independence speaking out here, but I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I want people to look at me and say "There's a girl with her head on her shoulders."

I can honestly say that I love being me. This has not always been the case. When I was younger I hated me, and no one could ever understand why. Now no one understands me at all. I truly was never born to fit in or to be understood. That is why I like being me so very much. I like being different and unique. I don't want to be the girl who everyone sees because she's beautiful, I want to be the girl they want to hang out with because she has something to say, and isn't afraid to get in there and get it done.

I now embark on the rest of my week with the goal of finding a job, and being happy with that part of my life. I want to be steady. I want to be an adult. I am ready to get out there and to be able to stand on my own two feet. Love me or hate me, I am who I am...and I'm ok with that.

Rain Keeps Falling On My Heart

So here I am at a point in my life where everything seems to be at a stadstill. I know that I have direction and that I will figure all of this out, but right now I feel as though nothing is quite clear. How does one discover their destiny? I try to look hard for the meaning in my life, but often times I come up short. Everyday seems to hold another riddle, and nothing ever seems to make sense.

Is there actually an answer to the riddles that I see? Am I swimming in a sea that holds no meaning? I guess that the only thing to do is to keep pushing on, to always remember that I am searching for something. I will fing the answer, but until then life must go on.

My Tears Are Falling

To my friends, or normal viewers, if there are any of those out there, I apologize for the lack of updates. I do not have regular access to computers, and thus am writing from the public library. Things here are pretty general. I wake up in the mornings, eat breakfast, walk around the lake, read, eat lunch, maybe do some cleaning, or more reading. I usually always end up going to Wal-Mart, but even that is not the same as going to the one in Lake Wales.

I miss you all terribly, and recently I have not been able to control the tears. You are all my dearest friends and I am not getting along well without you. I didn't imagine things would be this hard for me. I can't help but want you all to come into my office and tell me all about the things that are going on in your lives. Instead I must be content with the little bits and pieces I am able to get from you.

Today it is cold outside, and the sun refuses to shine. Everything here has a darker sense to it. I miss the sunshine of Florida, although I do not miss the state. I do, however, miss all of my dear friends, and even more, my family. If anyone reads this and sees one of my family members, will you please hug them for me. I am lonely without them, and it breaks my heart even now to not be with them. Please stay in touch. I will try to be better about writing.

So long to the normal

Well, I am officially a non-Floridian now, not that I ever really was one, but I have transfered over into the Kentucky zone. I have missed to bluegrass state, and while I do not miss the Sunshine state, I do miss all of those who are still there. Some of my favorite memories were born there. I still hold on to each of you dearly. I don't know if anyone will actually check in on this thing I call my blog, but I hope you all will get to see what's going on with me if you hop on here every now and then.

As of right now I still do not have a job, but do not lose hope, I will possibly be subing here until I either find something else or until I move up to Asbuy. I am going up there next week so I will get to tell you all how that goes, but right now I am not up to much other than hanging out with my cousins. I hope you all have had a merry Christmas and a happy New Year, remember that I love you, stay in touch and never forget me.

Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Night

Merry Christmas! This year Christmas feels somewhat strange. We didn't do Christmas Eve at Grandma Todd's this year because everyone was snowed in and could not make it. It didn't feel like it was really the night before Christmas. It was kinda sad. But today we ad our stockings to open and then we had Christmas at Mamaw's.

Everyone was there and it was what Christmas is supposed to be about. The cousins gathered in the den and we all played Scene It (Disney) three times. I won twice and Amy won the last game. It has been fun and I know that this entry is short, but bed time approaches for all who are old (that's me). So Goodnight!

New Beginnings

Well, for all those keeping tabs on me, I have finally made it to the Bluegrass State. It took us over 24 hours to get here, but we finally landed at about ten our time, eleven for all my Florida peeps. We were supposed to leave at about one on Tuesday, but we got delayed, and delayed some more and didn't end up actually hitting the road until about 5:30. We were almost to I-75 when the van broke down. Dad and I went in search of some transmission fluid, came back and then we were back on the road. At about 12:30 in the a.m. mom decided that she couldn't drive any more (she had only been driving for an hour) so we stopped at a hotel. I ended up sleeping in the bathtub so that I couldn't hear the symphony of snores. Needless to say I didn't get much sleep.

You would think maybe that was the end to all of our bad luck, but no. We hadn't gone very far when we started having to stop every half hour to put water in my car so that it wouldn't over heat. At about seven we stopped and it took dad four hours to fix the car. That was our last vehicular delay. Our next delay was weather related. It began to snow. While I might not be a Florida girl born and raised, I have lived there as long as I have been driving, which means that Jessica has never driven in the snow. It was an experience. I figure God was just giving me a driving lesson for any snow day that comes in my future.

But wait, there is more. There are four Madisonville exits, two of which go directly into town. We are supposed to take the first one, which gets us straight to my grandmother's. With the other exit you have to drive through town. Well I missed the first exit, causing quite a panic. I then got seperated from my parents, with a brother who kept saying he would drive if I wanted him to. At that point all I wanted to do was get to my grandmothers. It took me twice as long as it would have if I had taken the first exit, but I made it.

I felt as though a hurricane of a different nature had swept through. There was no power, people were driving around in the snow like idiots (my cousin even said, "why would anyone be out in this if that didn't have to?", reminding me of the many times I said that of people drving around in the storms), and we were under a state of emergency. Oh, the days when the weather was nice is no more. I have bad weather following me everywhere I go. But I am glad to be here.

I am excited about all that is going to happen. My life is changing, a new chapted has begun. Stay tuned to see where this will lead.

Over and Out

Well, I sit here at my desk and say goodbye. This is the last time that I will be writing from my office. It is a somewhat bittersweet moment. No longer will my days be filled with the same faces, the same office, the same routine. My life is on the way to changing forever. I know that I will be happy where I go, but it is sad to think that I am leaving those who have meant the most to me over the years.

While this is short and sweet, I must sign off, because my days here have ended.

All my love!

Tenderhearted Broken Song

Tenderhearted broken song
How you make the day go on
Always cheerful, always gay
You make the hours melt away.

Tenderhearted broken song
The days will always feel so long
Without your quiet gentle smile
Making every day worthwhile.

Tenderhearted broken song
How will I ever get along?
No short walk to see your face
But miles and miles will take its place.

Tenderhearted broken song
Do not change from right to wrong.
Do not heave a heavy sigh
For now I have to say, “good-bye”.