Trials

My life is generally nothing but a mass of confusing gestures that never seem to point in any clear direction. I have faced many trials along the way...and today I sat with a friend reliving many of them. I can't believe that God has allowed me to experice so much pain, and yet at the same time...I am blessed that the pain I have experienced is nothing in comparison to what so many have faced. I have not experienced the lost of a loved one...I have not experienced the pain of abuse...I have not experienced the trials of divorce...I have been loved...and I have been conforted...I have friends that love me...

I guess I am saying these things in order for us to realize that those things in our lives that we think are great trials...are generally trivial compared to what so many others are facing in our world these days...I don't want to be consumed by my "problems" because in all actuality I should be focused on the problem that people are dying every day and going to hell...that's what I should be concerned with...not where my life is going to be ten days from now...ten weeks from now...or ten years from now...God wants me focused on the work that He has for me right now...I don't want to let distractions get in my way of accomplishing those things which He has set out for me to do...

Keep fighting the good fight...and remember that when you think you are going through something you can't stand through...God is on the other side waiting to catch you if you fall...

Waiting for the Amazing...

The life we dream for ourselves is not always the reality that God has in store...but may I put a question to you? Don't you believe that what God has planned is so much better than what we could imagine. I keep telling myself that there is something amazing out there for me...and someday...as long as I let God lead my steps then He will bring me a dream that I could never achieve in my own strength...

He is such an amazing God and I know that He has so much in store for me...I don't want to miss out on the best God has in order to get a temporary dose of today...I am ready for God's blessing...not the one that I wish for myself...I have been told today that I am beautiful and that I deserve the best God can give me...I totally agree...and I am tired of relying on yesterday's promises...I want to rely on the promise of today...

A friend told me tonight that each day that goes by is one day closer to what God has in store for me...how amazing is that thought?!?! I can't wait to see what He has...because I know that it is going to be amazing...it can be nothing less...

Things About Me...

So I've been tagged. The game is that if you get tagged you have to write six random or just odd quirks about yourself and than you tag six other people to do the same....sooooo..here goes,

1. I have low self-esteem but hide behind a mask of confidence that fools others into believing that I am self-assured.

2. I am scared that I am never going to find someone that will love me as much as I love them.

3. I am currently writing a manuscript that I hope to get published in the next year or two.

4. I love cats, but cannot have them because my mom is allergic.

5. I scored the highest in the area of logic on my IQ test.

6. I almost dropped out of school my Sophomore year of college to move to NYC and audition for Broadway!

New People...

Since I have moved back from Kentucky God has begun to strategically place new people in my life. I was thinking tonight how greatful I am when He allows my path to cross with that of others. Dan, my "cool" new friend, was at drama practice with us tonight and then went with us to Taco Bell...and I was just thankful that God allowed us to know each other. His roommate is another one of those people. It is so crazy, because I have known them less than a week, and yet I feel like I have known them longer. They are both amazing guys and I am so happy that I know them.

Another person God has brought in to my life recently is my good friend Faith...and she has been a blessing that I can't even begin to explain. Honestly...she helped save me. I mean that...I don't think she knows how she effected my life...

But really...I have been blessed with amazing friends in this journey called life. My new ones and my old ones have each made an impact on my life. They have each made me stronger and pushed me to be who I am today. I don't know where I would be today without any of them.

I thank those of you who call me friend for being the same for me. You have no idea what you have done for me. I love you all!

Learning It's Ok to Hurt

I am writing on here because I know that no one actually ever sees this online journal. I guess I just need to get this out there, to have the words written down somewhere so that I know that it's real, not just something I have imagined. My last entry was written about four or five months ago...and it is funny that that particular entry was in reference to the same guy who I talk about today. You see, for seven months I have known this guy, he was funny and he made me laugh and then the more time I spent with him the more I liked him...until I felt what I wrote in my last entry.
The funny thing is that around that time...every other girl I talked to also had a thing for him, or were trying to set someone they knew up with him...and I thought...I don't have a chance, so I'm not going to even think about it. I stopped thinking about him and I went on with life. I saw him at church from time to time, but it wasn't until about two months ago that I started talking to him and then he became my friend on my myspace and that was nice, but still I didn't think anything of it...everyone is my friend on myspace...
I started seeing this guy that I had gone to school with. It wasn't anything big, we just went out a couple of times and one of those times happened to be at the same restraunt where the guy I am talking about works. He saw us there and he did this awkward we're best friends thing...and I even told the guy I was with that I didn't know him well and thought it was strange...of course in the back of my mind I was thinking how interesting it all was...and then to make things even worse I spent the whole night trying not to look around for him...but instead I tried really hard to focus on the guy I was with...I was so distracted...but I didn't want anyone to notice...I think I pulled it off pretty well...
The following day I recieved a "Boyfriend Application" from this guy that I had been interested in for months...and I couldn't believe it...I thought it had to be a joke and so I took it as such...it wasn't until last week that he informed me that it hadn't been a joke. It's crazy that it has been almost a month since we went to Downtown Disney and that we have been talking that long...
Unfortunately for me all good things must come to an end...Last week we sat down and had a three hour conversation...I sat there and listened as he explained about this girl who was once in his life who changed him forever...when she ended the relationship it was devestating to him...I understood...He was hurt...He said that it had effected every other relationship he had been in...But he didn't want to do that to me...he didn't want to burn bridges with me...but he had to figure out what was going on...I said I understood...because I did...There is so much that complicates this whole issue...and I don't think I even know half of what complicates it...but he wants to be there for her...he wants to be with someone enough that even if this isn't right he's going to do it anyways...I just hate this feeling...Wrong time wrong place...why didn't he just leave me alone? If he knew that it was so complicated why did he ever pursue anything with me? I just don't understand that...
I don't want to be mad right now, and I do not want to keep crying...but when's it going to be my turn...when am I going to get the guy? I know that there has to be someone amazing out there for me...but why did I have to open up again? Why did I have to think I could love him? I just want to pretend like this last month hasn't happened...I mean...it probably wouldn't even hurt so bad if I didn't feel like he was ignoring me...I hate guys...they are so good at making you believe they are so wonderful...but it's all a lie...I don't want to be lied to anymore...I can't write anymore because I feel like my heart getting ready to explode!

God is Good...

All the time...and All the Time...God is good!!!

So this last week has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least. Today I decided that nothing really matters unless I am giving my all to God. Last night I layed in bed crying out to God to help me understand why I am going through what I am going through...and I realized that I am being strengthened. When you work out for the first time in a long time, your muscles feel the pain, but they are being strengthened, and the next time it won't hurt so bad. I will go through all of the pain that I have to in order to be strong for my God.

Friday I had an excitement that hasn't been equaled in a long time. Just ask Candace and Andrew...I was unstoppable. Andrew said I preached a 30 minute message in 2 minutes...It was great...but I am so excited about what God is doing. I am nowhere near where I want to be with Him right now, but I know that if I keep seeking Him with all of my heart that He is going to pour out His blessings on me in a way that I have never known...IT BEGINS is something I am trying to live daily. I will not give up on my dreams and I will not let the enemy distract me from what God has called me to!

Don't let the enemy win...because that is exactly what he wants. God is amazing and He loves us so much that He gave His Son to die for us. I don't know about you, but sacrificing my child so that you could live...I don't think it is something I would be willing to do. I want to live as close to Him as I can...and so that is my goal right now...to love a life that is pleasing to God...I want to be a righteous woman of God...With prayers that have power!

It's Going to Keep Beginning

Today has been a very interesting day! I can't even begin to descibe the joy that I feel that this exact moment!!! It was funny...on the way to work today I was praying that God would make me feel better...and I started feeling really goofy...but in a good way...I am so scared right now that none of this blog is going to make much sense...but I'm going to keep writing anyways...

I really had a good day at work...even the bad moments weren't so bad...and I am so thankful that God has begun to give me a new attitude towards teaching...I mean...I truly do love my students...and today was no exception...

This afternoon things have gotten even better. I can't contain this happiness...God is doing something amazing and I want to be a part of it!!! A friend of mine sent me a message today and I screamed, I was so happy...She isn't from Bartow...she hasn't been at youth...but she has caught on to IT BEGINS!!! I am so excited about what God is beginning...I just can't explain it...but I don't have to...God is moving and you need to either jump in or move out of the way!

Keep running towards this goal because He is doing something...I don't know where this is going to lead me...but I am so intrigued to find out...

IT BEGINS!!!

On Being Single

Why am I 24 and still single? This question was posed to me the other night and since then I have taken a lot of time to try and discover the answer. This is not an easy question to answer because I honestly never thought I would reach this point. I always thought that I would meet the man of my dreams in college and that he would propse and we would get married near or after graduation. Alas, this dream proved false and I ended up making my way in life much different than I had planned.

I guess I should start somewhere near the beginning. You see, I have always had a big heart and as such have loved with everything that I have. When I was a child, the man I thought hung the moon stopped loving me, or so I thought. As a child I thought my grandfather was pretty much everything. He taught me to swim, he had butterscotch, he let me play with Barbie's in the play room...He was amazing! But as a 9 year old little girl I was told that he never wanted to see me again. I remember it all so vividly. My Aunt Dawn holding me in the driveway as my grandfather screamed at my mother. It took me years to heal from those scars. I thought that it must have been something I did that would drive him away. I never realized (until much, much later) that it was never my fault.

As I grew up there was never really the opportunity for me to be in relationships. I remember a couple of times when I liked a guy, or my friends said a guy liked me, but it never worked out for anything to happen. When I moved to Florida I met this guy who seemed pretty amazing. I didn't discover until later that he was at the end of a long and messy relationship and I got in on the tail end of it. He was the kind of guy who knew exactly what to say and how to say it. He really swept me away. I was young and naive and thought that they first guy I dated would be the guy I married. Little did I know that wasn't how it worked out. Don't get me wrong...I am ever so glad that it didn't!

In college it became a game that I wasn't good at. I had Scott, and he was my stand in boyfriend. We never did anything, just hung out, but he was my umbrella. As long as I had him I didn't feel the need for a boyfriend. I think there was also the intimidation factor. If a guy had dated me in college he would have been known as "Jessica Buchanan's boyfriend" because I was in student government and everyone knew who I was. It was hard to be in the center of it all and yet feel so alone.

Because of the many times I was hurt, by family, friends, and guys...I learned to put up a wall. I rarely let my gaurd down because I never wanted to get hurt. My life became about survival, and I was ok with that.

Beyond that, I have never actually met a man who could be the spiritual head of my household, who would love me the way I deserve to be loved, and wanted me as much as I wanted him. I usually tell people that I have been in love once...to someone who never knew I loved him, and never could have loved me back (at least not the same way)...but I know that what is out there is going to be so much greater than what I felt with him...

I am not really sure if this actually answered the question, but maybe if gave some insight in to my current state of solo status. I am mostly content in where I am right now, don't get me wrong...and most of you know this...I would love it if the right man were to walk in my life and be all that I have needed for so long...but I am going to be ok even if that doesn't happen right now...I figure...I've made it this long...what's a little while longer...

Hoping for sooner rather than later...
Jess

Moving

Well...tonight I moved into my new room! I have been sleeping on the couch for the last several months (partly my choice), but now I actually have a room that is all mine. I have also been going through my clothes because I now have a closet...and can I tell you...I have a lot of clothes!!! I haven't even gone through the shoes yet, but I know that won't be any better. Maybe I will get more use out of them because I can actually see them, as opposed to them being in a drawer on top of one another (my clothes that is, not my shoes).

I will miss Megan, although it might not be much different, since I hardly ever see her anyways. I am so proud of her, and so excited for this new phase in her life. I on the other hand am actually content staying right here (especially since I now have my OWN room). It will not be the same as in Kentucky...oh how I miss my mattress (but Mamaw says when I get a place of my own she will get me a mattress just like the one on my bed at her house!!! YAY!!!). I am very happy about having a place to go with no distractions, just me and my books.

Speaking of moving...Don't you feel God moving all around you? I can feel Him everywhere, and can I tell ya'...I love it! "It Begins" is only the beginning of something even greater! I can't wait until tomorrow. Go to church with your hearts prepared for what God has and He will shower down His blessings on you.

Loves,
Jess

About Being Beatiful

Beauty is skin deep...Beauty is in the eye of the beholder...A rose by any other name would smell as sweet...the sayings could go on, but beauty to me is still up for debate...

I have always found beauty in the simple things in life...to me beauty equals a butterfly's change from akward and ugly to colorful and free to fly...it equals the rain that slides down the window pane as you sit watching from inside your house...it equals the silence at sunset that explodes around you...it equals the love of a child when all other love has seemed to fade...it equals the smile of someone who just found love...it equals the moment when you realize that someone needs you...it equals a man who hung on a cross so that you and I could be set free...

I have always found comfort in the pages of Isaiah. There we are told that Jesus was not an attractive man by the world's standards, instead he was viewed as ugly. How amazing is that? What we think of as beautiful, what society tells us is beautiful, is nothing compared to the beauty of what God has given us...yet He was not beautiful by our standards.

I love that, because I do not consider myself beautiful by most people's standards, but I AM beautiful to God. I have never really thought about this before...but to God, I am beauty. How amazing is that? I can rest assured, that while I feel that those around me are more attractive (satan has been beating me up with that one today) to God I equal beauty...

Good night my beautiful friends!

To My Friends

It seems like so many people are going through the same thing these days and I just wanted to say...Remember, God is in control.

God,
Hear the cry of our hearts. When everything around us seems to be closing in and everything becomes overwhelming, please guide us down the path that You have chosen for us. You are so amazing! I know that our steps are ordered by You. I will wait on You to lead and guide me. Help us to hear YOUR voice. In our world it is so difficult to listen to that still small voice...take away the distractions. I want You to have COMPLETE control! My heart is yours, hold it in your hands, because I know that there it will be safe. Help me to let go of the pain that I have held for so long. I don't want fear of happiness to keep me from experiencing life. You have taken away the pain of the past...help me to move on...for today is a new day...and IT BEGINS! Don't let me keep looking back to the days where pain was a constant reminder of my failure...I rebuke the enemy and his lies...I will continue to seek after you in all that I am...Help me to lean not on my own understanding. Thank you God! In all these things I give you praise!
Amen

To my friends...I continually pray for you, but as this week goes by I will pray specifically for direction for all of you...I want you to know that I am here and anytime you need prayer I will gladly storm the gates of Heaven with you...Where two or more are gathered my friends...He hears our cries.

For me I would ask that you would continue to pray for me. My battle with depression has seemed like a road behind me for such a long time, but this last week satan has been at me in full force. I don't like the feeling of losing control of my emotions...please pray that God would stop the lies of satan...because I know that is all I am dealing with. I know that what is behind me does not have to effect what is ahead...but I need you to storm the gates of heaven for my petition. I love you all so much...Have a great weekend.

IT BEGINS!

My Heart Hurts

I don't know why but all of the sudden my heart hurts and all I want to do is cry. Maybe I do know why, but I just don't want everyone else to know. I just wish it would stay safe, my heart that is, locked away from others. I don't want to open up my heart anymore...it has been hurt too many times...I know I usually do the encouraging guys, and I am sorry, but tonight the tears are falling and I can't make them stop.

I know that this is an attack of satan...it has to be. Everything has been wonderful for the last two days. I have been on fire...I have been immersed in the word...I have been an encourager...I have enjoyed work...This has to be a spiritual attack...I don't want to hurt like this...I don't want to cry...I hate the tears...they make me feel weak...please pray that God build me up...because tonight I feel torn down.

I hate this up and down roller coaster so much...It reminds me of things I'd rather forget. I want to feel whole again...You have no idea how just writing this down has helped...you guys are awesome...

Jess

The One

Tonight I ended up having a long conversation about love. Finding love and keeping love. I know I don't have it all figured out, in fact I am nowhere close to having any part of it figured out. I just really wanted to tell you guys that love is out there...For those of you who are still young, don't give up, and don't let it consume you. I remember when I was 18, I thought that I needed to find someone to marry, that I needed that someone to be complete. I wish I wouldn't have spent so much time worried about that. I wish I didn't spend any time thinking about it now. I'm not worried about finding the person who will be my husband. You know why? Because I am living in God's will...and as long as I am living in that place...and my future husband is living in that place...God will bring us together.

Now, I can't deny that when the possibility appears...I think about if this could be the one, but I have been hurt too many times to let myself open up to the possibility. I want love, but I don't waste my time on something that isn't going to mean anything. Maybe this is too serious (also could be the reason I haven't found anyone)...but I'm a girl who knows what she wants. I don't want to settle...I have done that before.

Right now I want someone who loves my craziness...who thinks that my natural beauty is beauty enough...I want a man who knows I'm amazing, without trying to show him how amazing I am...And I'm not worried that I am not going to find this man...He's out there...I know it...God gives us the desires of our heart.

Ladies...don't give up! There is more to life than a relationship. There is a vast world of individuality that is out there waiting to be explored. Find out who you are, and be firmly grounded in that. Make God your number one priority, and never change for anyone else.

Gentleman...my friends...treat a lady with respect. I read something today that I feel is right for this moment...The person you are with might not be the one you end up with...so treat her the same way you would want another guy to treat your future wife...and really this can be applied to the girls to...keep your purity in tact...it is never worth giving up. Temporary satisfaction is just that...temporary!

Please...take these words to heart...they might not mean anything to anyone but me, but they do mean something...even if only to me...keep searching for God's will and everything else will fall into place...

It Begins...

So today at church amazing things began to happen...I want to jump out of my skin I am so excited! We met at the church to go over our drama and we prayed in the choir room. God was moving so deeply and I couldn't have been more amazed at the things that He is doing. He is tearing down walls and building up His army. I am anticipating that which He is getting ready to begin! That which he has already begun!

This afternoon was even more amazing! We had drama practice and can I just tell you...these kids are on fire! I want to be consumed with what God has in store for us! I was reminded of the dreams God has placed within me...and I was encouraged as well...Things are beginning already! Keep pushing in and He will pull you in!

Vision

I've been thinking about this a lot recently...about the visions God has given me...I had a friend remind me that a people without vision will perish...I like what Proverbs 29:18 of The Message Bible says:

If people can't see what God is doing,

they stumble all over themselves;

But when they attend to what he reveals,

they are most blessed.

I want to be most blessed! I want to follow the deep hungers that God has placed in my heart. I have been given so much already. I love God to fullest extent of the word and yet I know I love him less than I am able. I know that it is futile to want to go back to something you used to have, because in front of you God has given you more than you can even begin to imagine. When I was younger I felt like I was on fire. I want to fulfill my Jeremiah calling...I want to feel the fire shut up in my bones! God is so amazing and I don't want to give up on the things that he has layed before me.

My life has never been perfect and satan has attacked me with thoughts of suicide and depression. I have gone through so much to come out where I am now...I wish I could explain this to all of you, some of you know where I have been...and you know why being in the place that I am at is so important! I am excited to see what God has for me. Please continually pray that God makes my vision clear. Bleary-eyed is not the way I want to approach His calling.

I hear His voice loud and clear! I am running after the prize he has layed before me and I will continue to seek his will! I am so excited. I am SO excited!!! God is beautiful, and I love him more than life!

LIVE!!!

Love is a fickle friend. We only have today...I love these lyrics from Rent:

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future, there is no past
I live this moment as my last
There's only us, there's only this
Forget regret, or life is yours to miss
No other road, no other way
No day but today

I have learned that we should live our lives without regret. I told someone yesterday that I wish we could all just get past the bull that stands between us, humanity. Why do we play the game? Why do we dance the dance? What are we trying to prove? I don't want to be the one who stands down just to make you feel better about your choices. I want to speak out...I want to be alive...and I want to start living today!

New Me...

Life has a funny way of making you aware of who you are. Until recently I have struggled with myself. I know that many people are shocked when I say that I hate me, but it has been a hatred lasting many years. Why, you may ask, would you hate yourself? Well the answer is simple in my mind, but may sound rediculous to you. I hate myself simply because I can never be the person I want to be. I am weak and broken, yet I try to uphold the masquerade that I am strong and able to face the world. I fail daily and I feel as though I shouldn't.

I have learned in the past few months that it is ok for me to mess up. I am happy being me. It has taken me a long time to get to that point. To be able to say that I like me is a huge step in my mind's eye. I have decided recently that my life is ok, no matter the disappointments that come my way. I am stronger now than I have ever been before. And for that, I am happy. I want to love me the way that other's do. I also realize that I am loved. I need to be loved. I have been failed in that area one too many times, and now I know that I have the ulitmate love.

I am going to keep living with this new outlook. I am going to keep giving God my all. I am going to love myself, despite my down falls. I am going to be stronger in who I am, and I am not going to let myself fall down that pit again. You are seeing a new me, and I am excited to see where that me is going to go.

New Me...

Life has a funny way of making you aware of who you are. Until recently I have struggled with myself. I know that many people are shocked when I say that I hate me, but it has been a hatred lasting many years. Why, you may ask, would you hate yourself? Well the answer is simple in my mind, but may sound rediculous to you. I hate myself simply because I can never be the person I want to be. I am weak and broken, yet I try to uphold the masquerade that I am strong and able to face the world. I fail daily and I feel as though I shouldn't.

I have learned in the past few months that it is ok for me to mess up. I am happy being me. It has taken me a long time to get to that point. To be able to say that I like me is a huge step in my mind's eye. I have decided recently that my life is ok, no matter the disappointments that come my way. I am stronger now than I have ever been before. And for that, I am happy. I want to love me the way that other's do. I also realize that I am loved. I need to be loved. I have been failed in that area one too many times, and now I know that I have the ulitmate love.

I am going to keep living with this new outlook. I am going to keep giving God my all. I am going to love myself, despite my down falls. I am going to be stronger in who I am, and I am not going to let myself fall down that pit again. You are seeing a new me, and I am excited to see where that me is going to go.

The Dawn

Remember

The silent orb
Which shines at night
Plays in the heavens
Fighting new light
Soon she will
Be covered by dawn
A light fading slowly
Until she is gone

Enjoy the sunrise
As it breaks through the night
Taking away darkness
And bringing new light
The colors that burst
In the silence of dawn
Share for a moment
What has hours been gone

We cry in the darkness
Fighting the night
We search for a moment
To walk in the light
Do not worry nor fret
The return of the dawn
Soon the Light will come
And darkness must be gone

He's battle weary
But keeps through the night
A tortured man
Is our founding light
He waited three days
And at first dawn
He rose from the grave
He left, but is not gone

So remember to
Hold fast through the night
He standing right there
Guiding in light
And remember when you see
That first dawn
That he died
So your soul would never be gone

Remember

So Me...

Today I woke up and began wondering where my life is going. Am I headed up, or down? Where will I be a month from now, a year, two years, five years? I don't want a crystal ball to predict the future, but it would be nice to have an idea of the direction in which I am going. I want to be on a path. I feel like I am often freewheeling. I have no clear direction and I am getting closer to the dreaded 25. I am scared of being alone, I am scared of failing, and I am scared that I will never make a difference in the world.

I want to have a major impact on the world, even if it is only a small part of the world. I want to get out of Lake Wales (sorry to all of my Lake Wales friends) but I know that I can't go back to Kentucky (no offense to my peeps in Kentucky). I am confused with where my life is going, and I hate that. I used to be more focused. I used to have a handle on where I was going...what is going to happen to me...where am I going?

So confused,
Jess