Distorted Mirror

I went with my mom to Wendy's the other day and as I stood in line, my thoughts drifted from the #1's, 2's, and 3's to the salad options on the board. Now everyone knows which of these would be the better choice, and while I knew that a salad would not end in the guilt of wishing I had chosen the salad, all I could think of was how good a burger would taste. Of course I chose the burger, and the guilt.

When I eat, it is as if I haven't eaten in days and there is no chance I will be eating again any time soon. I have a tendency of engulfing my food, like a vacuum cleaner sucking in every last particle. The thing is I want to hit the off button, but it's like I don't know how. That day I saw a woman coming into Wendy's. She was one of those people you can't help but stare at, and yet you don't want to look. The fat on her arms and legs hung over her joints and the dimpled effect of her skin reminded me of cottage cheese. I saw her and was gripped with the fear that I would end up like her if I didn't change, so I stopped eating my burger.

I don't want to be unhappy with who I am. I also have no desire of looking like the stick figures they call models. I just want to be healthy. I started keeping a journal today of what I eat and how I want to change. I think it interesting the cycles I go through. They say it has to be a mental change, and so my mantra becomes "I must accept myself". I want to look in the mirror and see something I like, not the view of a fun house mirror with all its distortions. I am who I am, that much is true.