I like to think that I know myself pretty well. I understand that I am a people pleaser and that I need to learn to say no when it comes to certain things (I’ve actually become much better at this). I also know that I enjoy being with people. I love to socialize. I LOVE to talk! I also know that there are times when I have to hide within myself and break away from the usual in order to protect my sanity and so that I don’t go off on people for no reason. I know my heart. I know the things I need to work on, and the things that are in my past. I know myself pretty well.
So, why is it that I am listening to what everyone else is saying about me??????
The last few months I have grown up so much. Yes, I still act crazy silly, but I will be doing that when I’m 100 years old. That is something that will never change about me. But this year is my year for growth, my year of learning, and my year to rise above the valley I have been in for the last three or four years. I have worked so hard to renew a strong relationship with Christ. I have built up my friendships so that I would have a strong support system around me. I have stayed away from things that I know I don’t need in my life. So why am I letting myself get pulled down?
I am so frustrated right now. I know I shouldn’t be. I know that the things people say they say in jest, or even sometimes in love, but I just don’t know how much more of it I can handle. I keep thinking that I will be able to just let it slide, to just let it all go in one ear and out the other, but I can’t. I keep thinking, maybe I do like him. Maybe I do want this. And then I remember that I don’t like him like that, and that I have been so happy on my own, and that all I really want to do is be me, on my own, by myself. That is what I want.
Do I think, eventually, way down the road, something could possibly happen with this person? Sure, there’s a small chance, but I know myself really well. If I think about it as a possibility now, I will obsess over it. I will go out of my way to be where he is. I will constantly be thinking about how it will all work out. I have been down this road before. I know the way that I work. I love my friends and their interest in all of this, but I know that if I even THINK about it being a possibility now, it will definitely NOT be a possibility later.
Right now, I just want to be alone. I want to learn things as a single person. There are things I still need to learn, things I still need to get through, things I still need to push through. I can’t do that if this is on my mind. That’s why I’m writing this. I need to get these thoughts out of my mind and put somewhere else. I need to not think about him. I need to not wonder. I need to not second guess myself. Instead, I need to focus on God. I need to focus on me. I need to focus on everything else, because that is what I need to do. I just need someone to understand that, even if it’s a random person who reads this and has no clue who I am. I need them to read this and understand me. I just need ONE person who understands me. That is all I need.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Revelations...
There are just times when things hit us like a ton of bricks. Something that should have been so obvious hits us right between our eyes and we feel like idiots for not having seen it before. There are things in my life that I have let dictate who I am, or where I am going, or even the way I think. I have let the thoughts and voices of a few people become the noise that I listen to, when what I really need to do is settle the voices and listen to the only one that matters.
I think we get caught up in what we hear from others and often from ourselves as well and we forget that our Father in Heaven is the only one who really matters. We let the lies of the enemy well up within us and live out those lies. How often have I heard the lie that I am not worth it and that no one will love me, or that I would be better off dead. That the world would be a better place if I weren't in it. These are the things that I have had to push away from my mind, because more often than not they are the words I hear when I am at the end of my rope. I have only tried to take my life once. I was in a dark place that I never want to see again, but that is where I was. I still get to the edge of that place at times and I have to fight, with everything that I have, to be able to make my way out of the valley. That dark place is easy to dwell in. It's easy to get caught up in the lie and even to believe it. But I have learned that the lies are merely that, lies. I am more important to God than that. I was bought at a price.
The other day I was driving and I was really struggling. I just kept asking God, what was the point, why was I even still here. There is no way that I could make a difference, there is nothing special about me, I am only a waste of space. God revealed to me that I spend too much time future focused. Don't get me wrong, having goals for the future is great, and should be something we all do, but I spend so much of my time waiting to be where God wants me to be and not focusing enough on where God has me. I am tired of living my life in the future. I want to live in the present and in the presence of God. I am so excited about what He is doing in my life and I know that everything that I have gone through in the last year or so has been so that HE receives all the glory and that I cannot say that I did it in my own strength.
I am by no counts perfect or close to it, but I have begun to realize that is what God wants from me. Imperfection. So that HE may be perfect through me. He has called me for such a time as this and I stand amazed that all that He is. I am so blessed, beyond words, to know that God's plan for me is bigger than even I can understand at the moment. God is so good and He is worthy of all of my praise. I love him so much. I can't even begin to express all that He is! I am going to be now focused! God has so much he wants me to do NOW. Where I am. Not where I am going to be. Where I am now.
I think we get caught up in what we hear from others and often from ourselves as well and we forget that our Father in Heaven is the only one who really matters. We let the lies of the enemy well up within us and live out those lies. How often have I heard the lie that I am not worth it and that no one will love me, or that I would be better off dead. That the world would be a better place if I weren't in it. These are the things that I have had to push away from my mind, because more often than not they are the words I hear when I am at the end of my rope. I have only tried to take my life once. I was in a dark place that I never want to see again, but that is where I was. I still get to the edge of that place at times and I have to fight, with everything that I have, to be able to make my way out of the valley. That dark place is easy to dwell in. It's easy to get caught up in the lie and even to believe it. But I have learned that the lies are merely that, lies. I am more important to God than that. I was bought at a price.
The other day I was driving and I was really struggling. I just kept asking God, what was the point, why was I even still here. There is no way that I could make a difference, there is nothing special about me, I am only a waste of space. God revealed to me that I spend too much time future focused. Don't get me wrong, having goals for the future is great, and should be something we all do, but I spend so much of my time waiting to be where God wants me to be and not focusing enough on where God has me. I am tired of living my life in the future. I want to live in the present and in the presence of God. I am so excited about what He is doing in my life and I know that everything that I have gone through in the last year or so has been so that HE receives all the glory and that I cannot say that I did it in my own strength.
I am by no counts perfect or close to it, but I have begun to realize that is what God wants from me. Imperfection. So that HE may be perfect through me. He has called me for such a time as this and I stand amazed that all that He is. I am so blessed, beyond words, to know that God's plan for me is bigger than even I can understand at the moment. God is so good and He is worthy of all of my praise. I love him so much. I can't even begin to express all that He is! I am going to be now focused! God has so much he wants me to do NOW. Where I am. Not where I am going to be. Where I am now.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Finding Time for Fun
I will have to say that one of the greatest blessings in my life is my family. I am so close to my parents and my siblings. They keep me grounded and are always there for me, no matter what. Tonight my family and I went ice skating together. When we got there, it was sold out, so we decided to go to the later session. We went home and played Wii bowling, which is now THE game in the house. Then we took a trip to Sams, which is an interesting experience all on its own.
After reading the preceding paragraph I being to wonder if I allow laziness to creep in and prohibit my writing from being anything more than a list of activities, as opposed to an open expression of art that helps people to understand my experiences. Take for instance the following, "We went to Moe's for dinner" or "After much debate we settled on going to a restaurant that welcomes you into its establishment by yelling WELCOME TO MOE'S." They both say the same thing, but the latter offers you a more complete understanding of what actually happened, but it also requires more words, more thought, and more effort. I want to be a true writer. I don't want this to be a journal, but an account of all that I experience. I want it to be more than a list of what I did, but an expression of what I encountered.
Tonight was more than just time with my family, it was a chance to appreciate all that I've been given through them. My sister has taught me so much and has helped me become who I am. She is my best friend and I can't imagine life without her. She and Bruce are the only people I feel that I can be around and truly feel a part of. They have a way of taking me into their lives without making me feel like an intruder. I love them both so much and being able to spend time with them makes my life better. Ice skating with them and my parents was definitely an experience. We arrived at the Civic center more than an hour early so that we could be sure to get skates. I think that we were possibly the fifth group of people to even get into the door. We watched people walk all the way up to the front of the line, just to check to see if the doors were open. Seriously? If the doors WERE open, don't you think we would have been in there? I am constantly amazed at the stupidity of humans.
Once we were inside the building we strapped on our skates and headed for the ice. Now, you have to understand, my sister and I have both been skating for quite some time, and then here comes everyone else, not knowing how to do it. I think Bruce might have made it around twice. I don't know about the parentals, but they weren't far behind that. It was a horribly skating experience overall though, due in large to the fact that there were close to, or maybe even over, 100 people there. The ice was nasty, and there was NO room to skate on the ice. We ended up leaving long before the three hour session was over, but the time we did spend there was somewhat of a success.
From there we went and grabbed some ice cream from Coldstone, also known as the greatest place on earth. Then we walked down to the book store. As I looked at books and read the covers I began to imagine walking into a bookstore and picking up the book I wrote and seeing it there, for the world to buy. I kind of got excited. The writing project that I begin on Monday will be what I put the greatest amount of effort into this year. I can't wait to walk into Books A Million and actually pick up the novel written by Jessica R. Buchanan. Although this day was definitely a topper, that day will be one of the best in my life.
After reading the preceding paragraph I being to wonder if I allow laziness to creep in and prohibit my writing from being anything more than a list of activities, as opposed to an open expression of art that helps people to understand my experiences. Take for instance the following, "We went to Moe's for dinner" or "After much debate we settled on going to a restaurant that welcomes you into its establishment by yelling WELCOME TO MOE'S." They both say the same thing, but the latter offers you a more complete understanding of what actually happened, but it also requires more words, more thought, and more effort. I want to be a true writer. I don't want this to be a journal, but an account of all that I experience. I want it to be more than a list of what I did, but an expression of what I encountered.
Tonight was more than just time with my family, it was a chance to appreciate all that I've been given through them. My sister has taught me so much and has helped me become who I am. She is my best friend and I can't imagine life without her. She and Bruce are the only people I feel that I can be around and truly feel a part of. They have a way of taking me into their lives without making me feel like an intruder. I love them both so much and being able to spend time with them makes my life better. Ice skating with them and my parents was definitely an experience. We arrived at the Civic center more than an hour early so that we could be sure to get skates. I think that we were possibly the fifth group of people to even get into the door. We watched people walk all the way up to the front of the line, just to check to see if the doors were open. Seriously? If the doors WERE open, don't you think we would have been in there? I am constantly amazed at the stupidity of humans.
Once we were inside the building we strapped on our skates and headed for the ice. Now, you have to understand, my sister and I have both been skating for quite some time, and then here comes everyone else, not knowing how to do it. I think Bruce might have made it around twice. I don't know about the parentals, but they weren't far behind that. It was a horribly skating experience overall though, due in large to the fact that there were close to, or maybe even over, 100 people there. The ice was nasty, and there was NO room to skate on the ice. We ended up leaving long before the three hour session was over, but the time we did spend there was somewhat of a success.
From there we went and grabbed some ice cream from Coldstone, also known as the greatest place on earth. Then we walked down to the book store. As I looked at books and read the covers I began to imagine walking into a bookstore and picking up the book I wrote and seeing it there, for the world to buy. I kind of got excited. The writing project that I begin on Monday will be what I put the greatest amount of effort into this year. I can't wait to walk into Books A Million and actually pick up the novel written by Jessica R. Buchanan. Although this day was definitely a topper, that day will be one of the best in my life.
Monday, January 05, 2009
Good Friends. Good Conversation.
A conversation is the linking of words to make coherent statements expressing ideas, opinions and desires, but when you add a good friend and Starbucks, a conversation is so much more than that. It turns into a linking of those ideas opinions and desires that transcends the simple words that are used. That kind of conversation is a linking of friends and even of souls. Five hours spent sitting outside of "the people who are taking over the world", also known as Starbucks, and not only do I learn a lot about my fellow addict, but I learn a lot about myself. I am taken in to this give and take of knowledge between friends. Sharing ourselves with one another at an attempt to humanize what we are, to bring to light all the inner workings of what we experience.
I enjoy the company of people in general, but there is definitely something about sitting and talking to someone you truly appreciate as a friend. Christa has to be one of those people who I can sit and have a five hour long conversation with. We probably could have sat there for another five hours and not have ran out of anything to say to one another. I attribute this to the fact that both Christa and myself are of deep intellectual character. We have goals and opinions. We know who we are, or at least who we want to be, and that pushes us on to delve into the deeper levels of conversation that some people are just unable to reach.
There is just something about learning from one another that makes the whole experience of bonding with someone so enjoyable. I enjoyed every moment I spent talking to Christa last night. Everything we talked about led us to something more. I am blessed to have people in my life that I can freely express my thoughts to. It was the highlight of my day, and it made everything seem worth it. I love how something as simple as good conversation with a good friend can make the mundane seem little in comparison to the greatness that we encounter at the oddest of times.
I enjoy the company of people in general, but there is definitely something about sitting and talking to someone you truly appreciate as a friend. Christa has to be one of those people who I can sit and have a five hour long conversation with. We probably could have sat there for another five hours and not have ran out of anything to say to one another. I attribute this to the fact that both Christa and myself are of deep intellectual character. We have goals and opinions. We know who we are, or at least who we want to be, and that pushes us on to delve into the deeper levels of conversation that some people are just unable to reach.
There is just something about learning from one another that makes the whole experience of bonding with someone so enjoyable. I enjoyed every moment I spent talking to Christa last night. Everything we talked about led us to something more. I am blessed to have people in my life that I can freely express my thoughts to. It was the highlight of my day, and it made everything seem worth it. I love how something as simple as good conversation with a good friend can make the mundane seem little in comparison to the greatness that we encounter at the oddest of times.
Friday, January 02, 2009
Happy New Year
I love the beginning of a new year. It has that crisp feeling of a brand new $20 dollar bill that's hot off the press. Or the way a new outfit feels the first time you ever wear it out. And it smells like laundry right as it comes out of the dryer. It has a way of making you feel like anything is possible and that you could not possibly fail at anything that you set out to do.
My life has always been something of a series of turbulent waves, crashing upon the shore and floating back into the steady current of the every day. Over the last year I have learned a lot about myself; who I am, what I believe, where I stand, where I am and where I am headed. I have had to make tough decisions and learn to live with the choices I make. This year held much that was expected and a lot that wasn't. In all, 2008 is the year I grew up. This year I want to put all I learned into practice. I plan on being the best I can be at my job, at church, and at life in general. I want to grow more, to learn more, to be more.
I've never been one for New Year's resolutions. I think I did them when I was younger because I thought I had to. My pastor says that if it's not something you are will to change at any moment, then it is not something you are going to change because you make a resolution. Resolutions fail because we do not have the constitution to see them through. This year I do not plan on making resolutions, but rather, I plan on making changes. I want to be the best version of myself. I want to succeed at the things I've been to scared to accomplish.
1. First and foremost I want to finish my manuscript. I want to take the story that I have in my head and place the words out there for others to read and to understand that there is much we can learn from those who brought us into this world.
2. I want to get on top of my finances. I want to be debt free at the end of the year.
3. I want to expand my mind. To read at least one book a month, no matter how busy I am.
4. I want to be happy with who I am inside and out. I don't want to say that I plan on losing weight, because I always seem to want to do that, and I always set myself up for failure, but I do plan on making my health a priority this year.
5. I want to make a difference in someone's life.
This year I plan on becoming who I was born to be. I want to embrace life to its fullest potential. Live without regrets. Ride the tide and never look back. This year I want to embrace each moment. I want this to be a year that I will never forget.
My life has always been something of a series of turbulent waves, crashing upon the shore and floating back into the steady current of the every day. Over the last year I have learned a lot about myself; who I am, what I believe, where I stand, where I am and where I am headed. I have had to make tough decisions and learn to live with the choices I make. This year held much that was expected and a lot that wasn't. In all, 2008 is the year I grew up. This year I want to put all I learned into practice. I plan on being the best I can be at my job, at church, and at life in general. I want to grow more, to learn more, to be more.
I've never been one for New Year's resolutions. I think I did them when I was younger because I thought I had to. My pastor says that if it's not something you are will to change at any moment, then it is not something you are going to change because you make a resolution. Resolutions fail because we do not have the constitution to see them through. This year I do not plan on making resolutions, but rather, I plan on making changes. I want to be the best version of myself. I want to succeed at the things I've been to scared to accomplish.
1. First and foremost I want to finish my manuscript. I want to take the story that I have in my head and place the words out there for others to read and to understand that there is much we can learn from those who brought us into this world.
2. I want to get on top of my finances. I want to be debt free at the end of the year.
3. I want to expand my mind. To read at least one book a month, no matter how busy I am.
4. I want to be happy with who I am inside and out. I don't want to say that I plan on losing weight, because I always seem to want to do that, and I always set myself up for failure, but I do plan on making my health a priority this year.
5. I want to make a difference in someone's life.
This year I plan on becoming who I was born to be. I want to embrace life to its fullest potential. Live without regrets. Ride the tide and never look back. This year I want to embrace each moment. I want this to be a year that I will never forget.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
I have the best family!
Every year at Christmas I am reminded how blessed I am to be in my family. We are crazy, of course, but we love each other so much. I don't know if it's just that my grandparents were super awesome parents, or that we're just naturally awesome. =) I guess that if you start at the beginning, you would start with my grandparents. My Papaw is the kind of man who says what's on his mind. He is what he is, no frills about him. I look up to him so much. I love his bluntness, oh yeah, and the way he pesters my grandmother. I lived with them for six months and the way they interact with each other is priceless. My grandmother is the person who is always right, even when she's wrong. She's opinionated, but I know that more than anything she just loves us! She has an opinion on everything we do and say, but it's her way of showing us love. Then we have my aunts and uncles. They are TOO funny. Each of them, in their own way, brings something different to the family dynamics. I don't know what I would do without them though. They are hilarious. Full of life (among other things), and definitely full of love.
My cousins are the best though! They are the ones that keep things entertaining. Kendra is one of my best friends! She is what keeps me balanced. She and I have always been close and each year, getting to see her, is one of the most exciting things that Christmas brings with it. She is the one that I know will laugh at me and my silliness, no matter what. Then there's Amy...what can I say. It's a good thing God made us cousins, because our parents wouldn't be able to handle us as sisters. She is like another little sister who I have way too much fun with! Everything with us is an inside joke. We can just look at each other and know what the other one is thinking...it's kind of scary actually. =) I am more than blessed to have her in my life. Corrie would be the next one on this very fun list. She's crazy! She's so awesome! She's straightforward and says the things that everyone wants to say but won't! I love her so much. She's growing up so fast. I can't believe she's going to be a cop! CRAZY!!! Dill Pickle! He's insane. I can't believe how tall he is. He has grown up so much. I adore him! Laura, well, she's just Laura. She's so cute because she doesn't get anything! I love it! Playing Apples to Apples with her was way too much fun. I love that girl! Then there's Leah, the little one. What can you say, really? I'm the oldest at 27 and she's the youngest at 10. Everyone else falls in between. We laugh with and love each other! This is what my Christmas is all about...family!
My cousins are the best though! They are the ones that keep things entertaining. Kendra is one of my best friends! She is what keeps me balanced. She and I have always been close and each year, getting to see her, is one of the most exciting things that Christmas brings with it. She is the one that I know will laugh at me and my silliness, no matter what. Then there's Amy...what can I say. It's a good thing God made us cousins, because our parents wouldn't be able to handle us as sisters. She is like another little sister who I have way too much fun with! Everything with us is an inside joke. We can just look at each other and know what the other one is thinking...it's kind of scary actually. =) I am more than blessed to have her in my life. Corrie would be the next one on this very fun list. She's crazy! She's so awesome! She's straightforward and says the things that everyone wants to say but won't! I love her so much. She's growing up so fast. I can't believe she's going to be a cop! CRAZY!!! Dill Pickle! He's insane. I can't believe how tall he is. He has grown up so much. I adore him! Laura, well, she's just Laura. She's so cute because she doesn't get anything! I love it! Playing Apples to Apples with her was way too much fun. I love that girl! Then there's Leah, the little one. What can you say, really? I'm the oldest at 27 and she's the youngest at 10. Everyone else falls in between. We laugh with and love each other! This is what my Christmas is all about...family!
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Tell Them What They Want to Hear...
I remember a time when I was younger. A watch was broken. It was a nice watch, but it belonged to either me or my sister. It had a brown wristband, gold framing, and Minnie Mouse with a red polka dot dress in the center of the face. I think I remember all of this in such great detail because it was such a big part of me, to take on what others couldn't, or wouldn't, and because of the many lessons I have gleaned from it over the years. You see, my parents came to us. They wanted to know who had broken the watch. We stood there, each in turn, telling them that we had not been the one to do it. At one point I realized that this would not end until someone admitted to doing it, so, I took up a burden that was not mine and told them that I was the one that broke the watch. I got a spanking for it. One thing I don't remember; if we ever figured out who actually did it.
There are times when we tell people what they want to hear, because that is easier than telling them what is really going on, or what you really think. "Do these jeans make my butt look big?" In our head we say, "You don't need those jeans for that," in reality we say, "No, they look amazing." Sometimes it is necessary to tell someone what they need to hear as opposed to what's really going on in your head. But I think it is easy to get in the habit of doing this. It goes hand in hand with my constant need of approval and people pleasing persona. I am constantly telling people what they want to hear.
I'm good with people. I always have been. There are times when I can read people like a book. I can tell what they like and who they are as a person just by spending a little time with them. I can tell what makes them tick, and most of the time I can figure out what they need to hear in order to accept me, want me, love me, befriend me, notice me, or trust me. I have a way of getting people to open up to me, to tell me things they wouldn't tell other people. I love this about who God has made me, but there are times when I feel that who I am is so fake.
The last few days have been very eye opening for me. I feel that I put on this mask and carry it around. I pull it out when I need to, for whatever occasion I feel fit. I have let this be who I am. I am so SICK of that. Today at church, during worship, I just let go. I don't want to hold back anymore. I am tired of being this half alive person who tells everyone exactly what they need to hear in order to approve of me. I am who God made me to be, and if people are offended by that, then God will allow me to deal with it as it happens. I am done with this half-hearted attempt to be something I was not called to be. I have known for almost seven years what God has called me to do, but I have been running. Not because I am scared that I will fail, but because I am scared to succeed.
Here is a quote from Maryanne Williamson that touches on that:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
I am choosing now to let my light shine. I will no longer be afraid of the success that is laid before me. I will no longer tell people what they want to hear for the sake of keeping the peace. I must choose to live a life worthy of my Savior, of my King. I choose today to live!
There are times when we tell people what they want to hear, because that is easier than telling them what is really going on, or what you really think. "Do these jeans make my butt look big?" In our head we say, "You don't need those jeans for that," in reality we say, "No, they look amazing." Sometimes it is necessary to tell someone what they need to hear as opposed to what's really going on in your head. But I think it is easy to get in the habit of doing this. It goes hand in hand with my constant need of approval and people pleasing persona. I am constantly telling people what they want to hear.
I'm good with people. I always have been. There are times when I can read people like a book. I can tell what they like and who they are as a person just by spending a little time with them. I can tell what makes them tick, and most of the time I can figure out what they need to hear in order to accept me, want me, love me, befriend me, notice me, or trust me. I have a way of getting people to open up to me, to tell me things they wouldn't tell other people. I love this about who God has made me, but there are times when I feel that who I am is so fake.
The last few days have been very eye opening for me. I feel that I put on this mask and carry it around. I pull it out when I need to, for whatever occasion I feel fit. I have let this be who I am. I am so SICK of that. Today at church, during worship, I just let go. I don't want to hold back anymore. I am tired of being this half alive person who tells everyone exactly what they need to hear in order to approve of me. I am who God made me to be, and if people are offended by that, then God will allow me to deal with it as it happens. I am done with this half-hearted attempt to be something I was not called to be. I have known for almost seven years what God has called me to do, but I have been running. Not because I am scared that I will fail, but because I am scared to succeed.
Here is a quote from Maryanne Williamson that touches on that:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
I am choosing now to let my light shine. I will no longer be afraid of the success that is laid before me. I will no longer tell people what they want to hear for the sake of keeping the peace. I must choose to live a life worthy of my Savior, of my King. I choose today to live!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
40 days until moving day...
God has always taken me exactly where I needed to be to learn exactly what I needed to learn. He has always lead me in the right direction, even when I felt it might be the wrong one. I have learned so much over the last year and a half. I have learned that who I am is exactly who I want to be. I think that is the most important lesson anyone can learn. We always seem to struggle with defining ourselves. I now know who I am. I no longer have to search for the answer to that question.
I am a stronger person. I am wiser. I am happier. I am healthier. I am better.
I am ready to start this next part of my life refreshed and in the right place spiritually. I am so happy with what God has done in my life and what He has shown and taught me about human nature. I can't wait to see what lies ahead because the journey so far has been such an interesting one.
I am going to move back to Bartow and start subbing with the goal to start teaching again next fall. I am going to be working towards my permanent certification and my reading endorsement. I will also be looking into MFA programs in creative writing. I am really excited about all of these things and where my life is headed.
I love you guys!
I am a stronger person. I am wiser. I am happier. I am healthier. I am better.
I am ready to start this next part of my life refreshed and in the right place spiritually. I am so happy with what God has done in my life and what He has shown and taught me about human nature. I can't wait to see what lies ahead because the journey so far has been such an interesting one.
I am going to move back to Bartow and start subbing with the goal to start teaching again next fall. I am going to be working towards my permanent certification and my reading endorsement. I will also be looking into MFA programs in creative writing. I am really excited about all of these things and where my life is headed.
I love you guys!
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Here I am. Send me.
Have you ever had someone interested in you, and you just couldn't figure out what they saw in you? Or why it was that they would even be interested in you? Maybe you all have a confidence I just haven't quite learned how to hone, or maybe you know exactly what I'm talking about. I wonder sometimes how God can love me. Used to, I didn't have that problem. I was like Mary Poppins, "Practically Perfect in Every Way." I thought I had this whole being a Christian thing down. It was so easy for me. It was what I did best. Being a Christian was what my life was about. The older I got, the less my life was about being a Christian. I became the curly headed girl who makes announcements in chapel. The SGA President. The Admissions Counselor. The Teacher. The Nanny. The girlfriend. The girl who lies to her parents. The girl who chooses to stop at life. The girl who tried to kill herself. The girl who no longer cared. The girl who was more concerned about finding a guy than become the woman he needs her to be. I totally lost everything I thought that I knew. I became a stranger to myself.
How do we get so wrapped up in life that we forget what we are living for? It shouldn't be difficult. I know, without a doubt that God is real. People can argue with me, they can tell me I'm wrong, but I know that He is real and that He loves me. What I don't understand, is how. His love is the most beautiful thing in this world. I have experienced it. How then, can I just let it all go. I think at some point we all choose to disappoint. With me, it was little things. Then the little things turned in to bigger things and then I didn't know how to make it stop. I wanted to. I tried. I just wasn't strong enough.
I told a friend of mine the other day that it was like house cleaning. Every day things need to be done to keep a house tidy. One day you come in and you see dishes on the table, but you're too tired to clean up, so you think to yourself, I'll do it tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and now, not only do you have to dishes to do, but the laundry needs to be done as well. Every time you put something off, more things are added to your to do list. It gets exhausting and at some point you decide that you would rather live in the filth than spend any more time trying to clean it all up. I think that's where I've let my life go. I just got so tired of trying to clean that I just stopped. I don't know at what point we look around and think, this is ridiculous, but I know that's the point where I have been, and still am. I'm tired of living in a house that isn't clean. Of course, now that it's all been sitting here for a while it will be harder to clean, but it will look so much better once it's done. There's just something about a clean house that helps you breathe easier.
God is so amazing. His unconditional love is never deserved, but freely given. I am blessed to be a child of God. I think that from now on I want to do one thing well, and that is to be a Christian. I want it to be who I am, not what I am. I'm so tired of being a passive. I want to be active. I've been stagnant for far too long. I can never go back to what I was, but I can go forward to something more than I have been. I'm looking forward to the day when I can realize that all I've been through in the last year made me a better person. I didn't plan for this, but God knew what He was doing, and He still knows. I am not anywhere near practically perfect, but I don't think He needs to me to be. God works through the imperfect vessel. I'm willing to be that vessel. Here I am Lord. Send me.
How do we get so wrapped up in life that we forget what we are living for? It shouldn't be difficult. I know, without a doubt that God is real. People can argue with me, they can tell me I'm wrong, but I know that He is real and that He loves me. What I don't understand, is how. His love is the most beautiful thing in this world. I have experienced it. How then, can I just let it all go. I think at some point we all choose to disappoint. With me, it was little things. Then the little things turned in to bigger things and then I didn't know how to make it stop. I wanted to. I tried. I just wasn't strong enough.
I told a friend of mine the other day that it was like house cleaning. Every day things need to be done to keep a house tidy. One day you come in and you see dishes on the table, but you're too tired to clean up, so you think to yourself, I'll do it tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and now, not only do you have to dishes to do, but the laundry needs to be done as well. Every time you put something off, more things are added to your to do list. It gets exhausting and at some point you decide that you would rather live in the filth than spend any more time trying to clean it all up. I think that's where I've let my life go. I just got so tired of trying to clean that I just stopped. I don't know at what point we look around and think, this is ridiculous, but I know that's the point where I have been, and still am. I'm tired of living in a house that isn't clean. Of course, now that it's all been sitting here for a while it will be harder to clean, but it will look so much better once it's done. There's just something about a clean house that helps you breathe easier.
God is so amazing. His unconditional love is never deserved, but freely given. I am blessed to be a child of God. I think that from now on I want to do one thing well, and that is to be a Christian. I want it to be who I am, not what I am. I'm so tired of being a passive. I want to be active. I've been stagnant for far too long. I can never go back to what I was, but I can go forward to something more than I have been. I'm looking forward to the day when I can realize that all I've been through in the last year made me a better person. I didn't plan for this, but God knew what He was doing, and He still knows. I am not anywhere near practically perfect, but I don't think He needs to me to be. God works through the imperfect vessel. I'm willing to be that vessel. Here I am Lord. Send me.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Choosing To Be Me
Feburary...March...April...and now May...
The months have flown by and I have watched each one come and go. I don't know when it was that I lost the desire to write. I don't remember why I haven't posted a new blog in four months, but here I am today with only a few minutes to share the things that are in my head.
I have been running. Running from everything I know I should be. I don't know when it was that I became tired of fighting the good fight, but I threw the towel in. This past weekend I picked it back up. It doesn't matter how many times I have failed in this journey; I know that my God is there, ready and willing to pick me up and put me back on the right road. A friend had an away message up earlier and it said something like this, "God...a myth created so that we don't have to deal with the fact that we are responsible for our own actions." I wrote back that just because there IS a God, doesn't mean we aren't responsible for our own actions. Free will is one of things that makes God so great. I also said that His forgiveness and mercy are what make Him AMAZING! I truly believe that.
I get to choose how I live my life, and recently I have chosen not to care. I just gave up somewhere along the way, and I let the enemy have way too much control. This time of year is ALWAYS hard for me. I am coming upon the 6th year anniversary of my suicide attempt. Satan always knows that I am weakest point during this time, even when I don't know it. I have decided that this battle is over. I will no longer fight the enemy on this one. I've read the book, I know who wins. I will take my victory today thank you very much. I refuse to play this game with him. I'm sure there are times when he thinks he has won, but not anymore. I will put on my FULL ARMOR, and stop letting him hit me with the fiery arrows.
Today is a new day, and I will not be weighed down by the attacks of the enemy any longer. Today I choose to hold my head up high and know that God has something amazing in store for me. I'm not going to fight this battle of low self-esteem any more. I will not try to overcompensate by putting myself out there, thinking that the attention I receive is real. Instead, I choose today, to be me!
The months have flown by and I have watched each one come and go. I don't know when it was that I lost the desire to write. I don't remember why I haven't posted a new blog in four months, but here I am today with only a few minutes to share the things that are in my head.
I have been running. Running from everything I know I should be. I don't know when it was that I became tired of fighting the good fight, but I threw the towel in. This past weekend I picked it back up. It doesn't matter how many times I have failed in this journey; I know that my God is there, ready and willing to pick me up and put me back on the right road. A friend had an away message up earlier and it said something like this, "God...a myth created so that we don't have to deal with the fact that we are responsible for our own actions." I wrote back that just because there IS a God, doesn't mean we aren't responsible for our own actions. Free will is one of things that makes God so great. I also said that His forgiveness and mercy are what make Him AMAZING! I truly believe that.
I get to choose how I live my life, and recently I have chosen not to care. I just gave up somewhere along the way, and I let the enemy have way too much control. This time of year is ALWAYS hard for me. I am coming upon the 6th year anniversary of my suicide attempt. Satan always knows that I am weakest point during this time, even when I don't know it. I have decided that this battle is over. I will no longer fight the enemy on this one. I've read the book, I know who wins. I will take my victory today thank you very much. I refuse to play this game with him. I'm sure there are times when he thinks he has won, but not anymore. I will put on my FULL ARMOR, and stop letting him hit me with the fiery arrows.
Today is a new day, and I will not be weighed down by the attacks of the enemy any longer. Today I choose to hold my head up high and know that God has something amazing in store for me. I'm not going to fight this battle of low self-esteem any more. I will not try to overcompensate by putting myself out there, thinking that the attention I receive is real. Instead, I choose today, to be me!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Learning to Forgive
The last two weeks have been about me learning to forgive. It's not an easy thing to do. When we are hurt we like to hold on to it. I know that I've been holding on to the hurt, mostly so that I would continue to feel the pain. I believed that if I stopped hurting then I would remember all of the good stuff, and that I would only open myself up to hurt again.
It's funny how God revealed to me that the only thing I've been doing, is hurting myself. Holding on to pain, only allows you to hurt and to grow only in anger and bitterness. I have felt true hatred once in my life, and I have been on the verge of feeling it again. I refuse to let the enemy win this one. I am stronger than this and I will stand firm on the foundation of Christ in my life.
When you find out that people have been spreading lies about you, you tend to want everyone to know the truth. I have learned these last two weeks, that everyone else doesn't matter. I know that I can stand before God with a clear conscience and I know the truth and He knows the truth, and those are the ONLY two that matter.
I am tired of trying to clean up the mess that other people have left behind. I have to worry about me. People can and will choose to believe whatever they want about a person. I can't change that. All I can do is live the best that I can, and what everyone else thinks of me is their business. I am a woman of God. I love Him more than anything else, and if I have gotten anything out of all that I've been through, it is that I must grow closer to Him. He is the only one that will be with me through it all. I can ALWAYS count on Him.
I have been blessed with some amazing friends. If I had not had you all these last few weeks, I would not have made it. That being said, I need to ask your forgiveness. Through my pain I was not fair to the one who inflicted it. I have come to learn that all that I have been through has been a spiritual battle. I refuse to be mad at the person, instead I am mad at satan, and I would ask you to join me in that battle. I will not allow him to tear apart relationships. And that is what this has all been about.
I've messed up. I've done things I'm not proud of. I have looked down the barrel of a gun and realized I wasn't ready to see what was going to be on the other side. I have much left to learn. I cannot judge anyone. The plank in my eye, it's still there.
If anyone who reads this has been hurt by me, I am so sorry. I try to live the best I can, but there are times when I mess up. I would have to walk away when Jesus bent down and began to write in that sand. I would have been Peter.
I know that God has something amazing up ahead. If He didn't, satan wouldn't be trying so hard to discourage me. Alas, I will one up the enemy. I will stand strong and I will press on. I refuse to let him win, because the fact is, in the end, he doesn't!
I choose today to win NOW! I will not wait until the end, but I will give all that I can to what God places before me. Today, I will be a mighty woman of God.
I love you all so much and I hope you know who I am, and that if there is ever any doubt about it, you will come to me and let me know. I can't keep trying to right the wrongs. I can only be me. God is in control from now on.
It's funny how God revealed to me that the only thing I've been doing, is hurting myself. Holding on to pain, only allows you to hurt and to grow only in anger and bitterness. I have felt true hatred once in my life, and I have been on the verge of feeling it again. I refuse to let the enemy win this one. I am stronger than this and I will stand firm on the foundation of Christ in my life.
When you find out that people have been spreading lies about you, you tend to want everyone to know the truth. I have learned these last two weeks, that everyone else doesn't matter. I know that I can stand before God with a clear conscience and I know the truth and He knows the truth, and those are the ONLY two that matter.
I am tired of trying to clean up the mess that other people have left behind. I have to worry about me. People can and will choose to believe whatever they want about a person. I can't change that. All I can do is live the best that I can, and what everyone else thinks of me is their business. I am a woman of God. I love Him more than anything else, and if I have gotten anything out of all that I've been through, it is that I must grow closer to Him. He is the only one that will be with me through it all. I can ALWAYS count on Him.
I have been blessed with some amazing friends. If I had not had you all these last few weeks, I would not have made it. That being said, I need to ask your forgiveness. Through my pain I was not fair to the one who inflicted it. I have come to learn that all that I have been through has been a spiritual battle. I refuse to be mad at the person, instead I am mad at satan, and I would ask you to join me in that battle. I will not allow him to tear apart relationships. And that is what this has all been about.
I've messed up. I've done things I'm not proud of. I have looked down the barrel of a gun and realized I wasn't ready to see what was going to be on the other side. I have much left to learn. I cannot judge anyone. The plank in my eye, it's still there.
If anyone who reads this has been hurt by me, I am so sorry. I try to live the best I can, but there are times when I mess up. I would have to walk away when Jesus bent down and began to write in that sand. I would have been Peter.
I know that God has something amazing up ahead. If He didn't, satan wouldn't be trying so hard to discourage me. Alas, I will one up the enemy. I will stand strong and I will press on. I refuse to let him win, because the fact is, in the end, he doesn't!
I choose today to win NOW! I will not wait until the end, but I will give all that I can to what God places before me. Today, I will be a mighty woman of God.
I love you all so much and I hope you know who I am, and that if there is ever any doubt about it, you will come to me and let me know. I can't keep trying to right the wrongs. I can only be me. God is in control from now on.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Taking Myself Out of the Game
I have been so happy this year! My life has been going amazingly well and I have had nothing to complain about. I'm still doing great. I love my life. I love my job. I have an amazing family and wonderful friends! Even when life is amazing, there are things that happen, lessons we learn, that make us stop and think.
This last weekend was a learning experience for me. I don't even know what to say about it. I have been playing the "game" for a long time. I have flirted and I have dated. I have kissed and cuddled. I have agonized over what to wear or when I would next see the object of my affection. I have been in this game for far too long. The problem with this game is that there is usually no clear cut winner. Some of us win short term affection, others win in ways that devastate the other party involved, and still others lose in all manners of speaking.
I have never had much luck when it has come to playing the game. My most frequent adversary is love of the unrequited kind. I know that they say it is better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all, but I think I'd like to shoot the originator of this saying. I'd rather NOT go through the heartache and misery that comes with loss. Instead, I would rather sit by and watch as others play in this game. I would actually rather watch as others win the game together and finally realize that there is no reason to play, than to play myself and continue getting hurt. I am removing myself from this game. I am taking myself out.
I told Lana the other day that the guy who I end up with will have to hit me over the head and say "I love you stupid!" I am so tired of the guessing and the wondering and the being jerked around. Don't get me wrong, I still love my guy friends and I will continue to have them, but I am turning my on switch off. I can no longer be interested in anyone. My heart is too bruised at the moment to even care.
I haven't cried about all of this. I haven't let it all wash out of my system. I am numb. I feel torn and hurt, but I refuse to let myself experience any of it. Everyone keeps asking me how I'm doing and I keep saying I'm fine, that I'm stronger, and that I am now a better person. I am stronger and better for it, but I'm not fine. I'm hurting. I want to cry. I want to let the tears fall down. I want to believe that this is all going to go away and that soon I will not be hurt, I will not feel stupid, and I will not be sad that I lost in so many ways.
I think that most of all I hate that I feel guilty. I feel like this is all somehow my fault. I don't know why I do that. Why do I make myself the martyr? I hate how much this all is killing me inside. I'm putting on a brave front, but right now I am just hurting.
I will get through this. I know I will. I have to. I know that I AM a better person because of all of this, and that someday I will look back and know why I've had to go through it.
For now, I am out. I can't play anymore, because my heart might not make it through another break like this.
This last weekend was a learning experience for me. I don't even know what to say about it. I have been playing the "game" for a long time. I have flirted and I have dated. I have kissed and cuddled. I have agonized over what to wear or when I would next see the object of my affection. I have been in this game for far too long. The problem with this game is that there is usually no clear cut winner. Some of us win short term affection, others win in ways that devastate the other party involved, and still others lose in all manners of speaking.
I have never had much luck when it has come to playing the game. My most frequent adversary is love of the unrequited kind. I know that they say it is better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all, but I think I'd like to shoot the originator of this saying. I'd rather NOT go through the heartache and misery that comes with loss. Instead, I would rather sit by and watch as others play in this game. I would actually rather watch as others win the game together and finally realize that there is no reason to play, than to play myself and continue getting hurt. I am removing myself from this game. I am taking myself out.
I told Lana the other day that the guy who I end up with will have to hit me over the head and say "I love you stupid!" I am so tired of the guessing and the wondering and the being jerked around. Don't get me wrong, I still love my guy friends and I will continue to have them, but I am turning my on switch off. I can no longer be interested in anyone. My heart is too bruised at the moment to even care.
I haven't cried about all of this. I haven't let it all wash out of my system. I am numb. I feel torn and hurt, but I refuse to let myself experience any of it. Everyone keeps asking me how I'm doing and I keep saying I'm fine, that I'm stronger, and that I am now a better person. I am stronger and better for it, but I'm not fine. I'm hurting. I want to cry. I want to let the tears fall down. I want to believe that this is all going to go away and that soon I will not be hurt, I will not feel stupid, and I will not be sad that I lost in so many ways.
I think that most of all I hate that I feel guilty. I feel like this is all somehow my fault. I don't know why I do that. Why do I make myself the martyr? I hate how much this all is killing me inside. I'm putting on a brave front, but right now I am just hurting.
I will get through this. I know I will. I have to. I know that I AM a better person because of all of this, and that someday I will look back and know why I've had to go through it.
For now, I am out. I can't play anymore, because my heart might not make it through another break like this.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
It's Been Awhile
I feel as though I have written in ages. It's not that I stopped having anything to say, it's just that most of my writing comes from the pain in my life. I honestly have never been happier than I am at the time in my life, but I don't want that to be the cause of a lack of writing.
It's hard to explain this happiness, because there really is no specific reason, other than I am truly happy with where my life is. I love my job. My kids make every day interesting and they keep me on my toes. I feel like every day is a testing ground for patience. I will have to admit that I am trying to work on handling a few of their new attitude problems with a little more of that needed patience. They are young, and sometimes I forget that just because they usually act older than they are, doesn't mean that they actually are. They keep me entertained and always do little things to win me over. Tonight while Jared and Brianna played catch in the backyard, Alexa and I sat on the back steps. She wanted to give me a kiss, but did not want me to kiss her back, so we made a game of it. She covered my mouth while attempting to kiss my cheeks, but my goal was to try to kiss her back. Her giggle is so cute, and made the game even more fun. I adore that little girl. Jared is constantly impressing me with how intelligent he is. I almost used the word smart there, but realized that it didn't emphasize how much this child truly knows. Don't get me wrong, he uses words that are too big in completely wrong contexts, but he knows more about roller coasters than anyone I know. Brianna, well, she keeps me going. I swear that child is why I've lost the weight I have since living here. She is so amazing. She got to go to the Hannah Montana concert Tuesday night in Orlando. She had an unbelievable time!
Beyond work, I am just happy with who I am. I am also happy with where God is taking me. I truly believe that I have allowed myself to heal in so many ways. He and I have had many long conversations, and it has brought me to this place of happiness. I couldn't ask for more!
I don't want to write only when life has me down, I want to write because things are happening. And things are!
I leave for Colorado in ONE WEEK! I am uber excited! I love snow and I can't wait to see it. I love the cold (and hate it), so I am going to make sure to stay bundled up!
Life is good, and I just wanted to share that with everyone.
It's hard to explain this happiness, because there really is no specific reason, other than I am truly happy with where my life is. I love my job. My kids make every day interesting and they keep me on my toes. I feel like every day is a testing ground for patience. I will have to admit that I am trying to work on handling a few of their new attitude problems with a little more of that needed patience. They are young, and sometimes I forget that just because they usually act older than they are, doesn't mean that they actually are. They keep me entertained and always do little things to win me over. Tonight while Jared and Brianna played catch in the backyard, Alexa and I sat on the back steps. She wanted to give me a kiss, but did not want me to kiss her back, so we made a game of it. She covered my mouth while attempting to kiss my cheeks, but my goal was to try to kiss her back. Her giggle is so cute, and made the game even more fun. I adore that little girl. Jared is constantly impressing me with how intelligent he is. I almost used the word smart there, but realized that it didn't emphasize how much this child truly knows. Don't get me wrong, he uses words that are too big in completely wrong contexts, but he knows more about roller coasters than anyone I know. Brianna, well, she keeps me going. I swear that child is why I've lost the weight I have since living here. She is so amazing. She got to go to the Hannah Montana concert Tuesday night in Orlando. She had an unbelievable time!
Beyond work, I am just happy with who I am. I am also happy with where God is taking me. I truly believe that I have allowed myself to heal in so many ways. He and I have had many long conversations, and it has brought me to this place of happiness. I couldn't ask for more!
I don't want to write only when life has me down, I want to write because things are happening. And things are!
I leave for Colorado in ONE WEEK! I am uber excited! I love snow and I can't wait to see it. I love the cold (and hate it), so I am going to make sure to stay bundled up!
Life is good, and I just wanted to share that with everyone.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
So EMOtional
My students (or former students I should say) always tell me that I am SO Emo...and I even had a comment from a friend the other day that said I never smile. Today has been a rough day, I cried a lot. I think I've wanted to cry for several days now, but for some reason today I couldn't hold back the tears. I try so hard not be as emotional as I am, but I shouldn't have to change that part of me. It's something that makes me who I am. Mostly I cried because I felt SO very alone. It's hard to be where I am at right now, not physically speaking, because I love my house and my job, but I am at this point in my life where I really don't know where I am going.
I was talking to my dad on the phone today (well more like crying to him over the phone today)...I love my friends, but they are at such a different place than me. I asked dad why it is so hard to find a good group of Christian friends my age that aren't all married, with children, or wanting to be those things. I am completely content with being single at the moment (yes, there are days when I wish I were married and had a family, but God has another plan). I want to find like-minded people. I really don't think it should be this difficult. The fact is though, I have never found a place where I actually fit in.
Growing up I was the girl who did what she was supposed to. I hated being a girl, but I wasn't a tomboy at all! I wasn't all ga-ga over babies and boys, but I didn't want to get my hands dirty either. Most of the time I wanted to escape inside my books, there I found friends. Free-thinkers who were more concerned about life and what was going on around them than what boy was looking at them and if they thought so and so was cute. I never had a lot of friends, yet I was completely surrounded by them at the same time. I was home-schooled so I wasn't invited to anything that didn't have to do with church, or a birthday party. I was essentially alone. I even enjoyed it sometimes. I had my place in the church where I would escape to and think. Most of the time no one even saw me, and so I was free to watch people come and go, and to think. I've always been a thinker.
As I grew up I was hurt deeply and held onto the hurt. I would usually bring it up and let myself wallow in the pain of feeling unloved and unwanted. I never had a boyfriend, and I never really understood why. I thought that I must be terribly ugly. I knew that I was a good person, but part of me was locked up, hidden away.
When I moved to Florida I had to take a lot of steps out of my comfort zones. No one knew me, I had to let them get to know me. Maybe it was at that point that I felt that I fit in somewhere, maybe the only time in my life. I had Kristi. She was probably the most amazing friend I've ever had. With her, I never felt out of place, I felt that I belonged and then it was really great when we started doing tons of stuff with Megan and Aundrea. We had SO much fun. Things changed...mostly things out of our control...
I started college and became super active in so many things. I think again, I was desperately searching for a place to fit. Instead, I ended up stretching myself too thin. I don't mean in a sense that I couldn't accomplish everything, just in a way that I had so many friends in different areas that I never really fit in to just one. This might sound like a good thing, but when you don't JUST fit in with a specific group of people, they tend to forget to call and invite you places. Instead of fitting in, I generally found my way through college with great friends and my only social activities being the ones I planned for the entire school body.
I moved back to Kentucky, and while I will NEVER feel out of place with my family, it was still hard. The whole "You can't go back home" thing, well...that's where I was.
Once I came back to Florida I finally felt like I belonged somewhere...BARTOW!!! I know that some day I will find my way back to that place. I want to grow old there. I want to die there. I want to do a lot more than just that, but you get what I'm saying. Yet, even though that is where I consider home, I was still the girl who was too old, too young or just too single to feel like I fit anywhere. I feel like the world is a fish bowl, and I get to interact with the fishies, but...ultimately...I am just an outsider looking in.
Sometimes I think this whole thing should be easier. I should be able to fit somewhere. I should be able to breathe and relax, knowing that tomorrow is not going to be another lonely day. Alas, I know that tomorrow will be me, with the kids, and soon I will be in Kentucky, at the one place I know I fit...in my grandmother's house...with Kendra and Amy...talking about heaven knows what and making them laugh...they are the people who make me feel wanted...they are the people I know will always be there for me...and right now...they are the ones I miss...
It has been such a hard day for me, and I'm not even really sure why. I have cried and cried to the point where I am probably almost dehydrated. Like I said earlier, I hate that I am emotional, but it's just who I am. I have always been different, and I always will be. I can't help who I am. God made me this way. I love the book Captivating because it tells us how we, as women, are the emotional part of God. Today I refuse to be ashamed any longer that I am an emotional person. I just care, and hurt, and this is how I express it. My tears are healing, they help me...they are an intrinsic part of who I am...
This ended up being much longer than I had planned...but I guess it's just a glimpse at who I am...and if you made it this far...well...I thank you for caring...
lots of love...
Jess
I was talking to my dad on the phone today (well more like crying to him over the phone today)...I love my friends, but they are at such a different place than me. I asked dad why it is so hard to find a good group of Christian friends my age that aren't all married, with children, or wanting to be those things. I am completely content with being single at the moment (yes, there are days when I wish I were married and had a family, but God has another plan). I want to find like-minded people. I really don't think it should be this difficult. The fact is though, I have never found a place where I actually fit in.
Growing up I was the girl who did what she was supposed to. I hated being a girl, but I wasn't a tomboy at all! I wasn't all ga-ga over babies and boys, but I didn't want to get my hands dirty either. Most of the time I wanted to escape inside my books, there I found friends. Free-thinkers who were more concerned about life and what was going on around them than what boy was looking at them and if they thought so and so was cute. I never had a lot of friends, yet I was completely surrounded by them at the same time. I was home-schooled so I wasn't invited to anything that didn't have to do with church, or a birthday party. I was essentially alone. I even enjoyed it sometimes. I had my place in the church where I would escape to and think. Most of the time no one even saw me, and so I was free to watch people come and go, and to think. I've always been a thinker.
As I grew up I was hurt deeply and held onto the hurt. I would usually bring it up and let myself wallow in the pain of feeling unloved and unwanted. I never had a boyfriend, and I never really understood why. I thought that I must be terribly ugly. I knew that I was a good person, but part of me was locked up, hidden away.
When I moved to Florida I had to take a lot of steps out of my comfort zones. No one knew me, I had to let them get to know me. Maybe it was at that point that I felt that I fit in somewhere, maybe the only time in my life. I had Kristi. She was probably the most amazing friend I've ever had. With her, I never felt out of place, I felt that I belonged and then it was really great when we started doing tons of stuff with Megan and Aundrea. We had SO much fun. Things changed...mostly things out of our control...
I started college and became super active in so many things. I think again, I was desperately searching for a place to fit. Instead, I ended up stretching myself too thin. I don't mean in a sense that I couldn't accomplish everything, just in a way that I had so many friends in different areas that I never really fit in to just one. This might sound like a good thing, but when you don't JUST fit in with a specific group of people, they tend to forget to call and invite you places. Instead of fitting in, I generally found my way through college with great friends and my only social activities being the ones I planned for the entire school body.
I moved back to Kentucky, and while I will NEVER feel out of place with my family, it was still hard. The whole "You can't go back home" thing, well...that's where I was.
Once I came back to Florida I finally felt like I belonged somewhere...BARTOW!!! I know that some day I will find my way back to that place. I want to grow old there. I want to die there. I want to do a lot more than just that, but you get what I'm saying. Yet, even though that is where I consider home, I was still the girl who was too old, too young or just too single to feel like I fit anywhere. I feel like the world is a fish bowl, and I get to interact with the fishies, but...ultimately...I am just an outsider looking in.
Sometimes I think this whole thing should be easier. I should be able to fit somewhere. I should be able to breathe and relax, knowing that tomorrow is not going to be another lonely day. Alas, I know that tomorrow will be me, with the kids, and soon I will be in Kentucky, at the one place I know I fit...in my grandmother's house...with Kendra and Amy...talking about heaven knows what and making them laugh...they are the people who make me feel wanted...they are the people I know will always be there for me...and right now...they are the ones I miss...
It has been such a hard day for me, and I'm not even really sure why. I have cried and cried to the point where I am probably almost dehydrated. Like I said earlier, I hate that I am emotional, but it's just who I am. I have always been different, and I always will be. I can't help who I am. God made me this way. I love the book Captivating because it tells us how we, as women, are the emotional part of God. Today I refuse to be ashamed any longer that I am an emotional person. I just care, and hurt, and this is how I express it. My tears are healing, they help me...they are an intrinsic part of who I am...
This ended up being much longer than I had planned...but I guess it's just a glimpse at who I am...and if you made it this far...well...I thank you for caring...
lots of love...
Jess
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Standing Firm
I was lying out on the veranda tonight. The beauty of the stars literally brought me to tears. God is so amazing! How can people even question His existence? To think that we could all be walking around for no reason is quite disheartening. I don't know. Watching the stars tonight really made me think about a lot of things.
I am no where near perfect and I do not pretend to be. I have messed up and I have failed, but I know that my God loves me just as I am. You want to know a little secret? I'm going to mess up again. Know what else? God already knows that, but He loves me anyways. I'm sorry, but I can't understand passing up that kind of love. In a book I read recently, the author said that one of the reasons we have such a hard time accepting God's love is because we don't really understand what unconditional love really is. I tend to agree. Every love we know is conditional. I don't know about you, but I am really ready to grasp on to this unconditional love.
I wish I had more answers than I do, but I know that God's timing is perfect. Right now, I am laying here in bed, so ready for tomorrow, because I know that no matter what I face, He will be there with me, and I will overcome. God has big plans for me. I know that I am going to live in his will. He is my Abba.
He is my Rock...
I am no where near perfect and I do not pretend to be. I have messed up and I have failed, but I know that my God loves me just as I am. You want to know a little secret? I'm going to mess up again. Know what else? God already knows that, but He loves me anyways. I'm sorry, but I can't understand passing up that kind of love. In a book I read recently, the author said that one of the reasons we have such a hard time accepting God's love is because we don't really understand what unconditional love really is. I tend to agree. Every love we know is conditional. I don't know about you, but I am really ready to grasp on to this unconditional love.
I wish I had more answers than I do, but I know that God's timing is perfect. Right now, I am laying here in bed, so ready for tomorrow, because I know that no matter what I face, He will be there with me, and I will overcome. God has big plans for me. I know that I am going to live in his will. He is my Abba.
He is my Rock...
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Giving it away...
I wish I could be all that I know I should be. I know that I should spend more time in prayer and devotion, giving God all of who I am, and letting Him have TOTAL control. I know that I should work out every day and eat better. I know I should find a church here and build a support system around me. I know that I should let go of some situations, because God has better and I'm just not allowing him to give it to me. I know I should spend more time on my manuscript. I know that I should spend less time on the internet. I know...I know...I know...
But it's not what I know, it's what I do, and don't do. I don't pray and read my Bible every day. I try to hold on to things that I should hand over to God. I sit in my room alone and pout about being lonely instead of going out and making use of my life. I sit on my butt instead of going for a walk. I eat something that tastes good because it's fast and convenient instead of taking the time to fix something that is good for me. I refuse to let go of certain things because I think I know what's best for me. I never work on my manuscript and I live on the internet. I do...I do...I do...
When I make it a priority to take what is in my head and make it reality then I will be living a life worthy of my King. I am so tired of living a half-hearted life. I am tired of sitting around waiting for something to happen to me, instead of going out there and letting God do something for me. I get so lost in the drama of life that I rarely take the time to realize things would be so much better if I would just let Him take over. I don't know what it is about me that refuses to hand over the reigns. The thing is, I actually know that it is better to be completely in His will. I know that I am here, right now, for a reason, but I am not taking full advantage of that. Instead, I am sitting idly by, letting life pass me by. I ready for a change, I am ready for a new beginning and I think I know how to get there. It's not going to be easy, in fact, it is going to tear me apart, but I know that it is what must be done. I have to let God have control. I have to give Him my life, because I am tired of living it on my own.
It's funny. In my heart I know that I am forcing some issues. Today I was praying on the way to take Alexa to school, and I realized that I know in my heart of hearts where I should be, and I know that God will bless me if I just let it go. So here I am, letting it ALL go. Here I am giving Him COMPLETE control!
I am done being me. I am giving God the driver's seat back.
That's all there is to say right now.
But it's not what I know, it's what I do, and don't do. I don't pray and read my Bible every day. I try to hold on to things that I should hand over to God. I sit in my room alone and pout about being lonely instead of going out and making use of my life. I sit on my butt instead of going for a walk. I eat something that tastes good because it's fast and convenient instead of taking the time to fix something that is good for me. I refuse to let go of certain things because I think I know what's best for me. I never work on my manuscript and I live on the internet. I do...I do...I do...
When I make it a priority to take what is in my head and make it reality then I will be living a life worthy of my King. I am so tired of living a half-hearted life. I am tired of sitting around waiting for something to happen to me, instead of going out there and letting God do something for me. I get so lost in the drama of life that I rarely take the time to realize things would be so much better if I would just let Him take over. I don't know what it is about me that refuses to hand over the reigns. The thing is, I actually know that it is better to be completely in His will. I know that I am here, right now, for a reason, but I am not taking full advantage of that. Instead, I am sitting idly by, letting life pass me by. I ready for a change, I am ready for a new beginning and I think I know how to get there. It's not going to be easy, in fact, it is going to tear me apart, but I know that it is what must be done. I have to let God have control. I have to give Him my life, because I am tired of living it on my own.
It's funny. In my heart I know that I am forcing some issues. Today I was praying on the way to take Alexa to school, and I realized that I know in my heart of hearts where I should be, and I know that God will bless me if I just let it go. So here I am, letting it ALL go. Here I am giving Him COMPLETE control!
I am done being me. I am giving God the driver's seat back.
That's all there is to say right now.
Monday, November 26, 2007
I am less than I should be...
There are days when I feel like the future is something that's just out there...then there are other days when it consumes me. Sometimes it is with great excitement that I look forward, other times dread is what fills me. I am no closer to knowing the future than anyone else, and so I wonder why it is that we spend so much time thinking about it. The present is where we should be, but I suppose we realize that the present effects the future and that drives us to want to know what our decisions today will make of us tomorrow. I feel lost in this pool of self-discovery. I want to know what lies ahead, but I am tired of trying to see through a hazy crystal ball. Today is where I am...tomorrow isn't even guaranteed...and yet it is something I focus on continually...
I don't understand all of the things that I am going through at the moment and so it gives me reason to pause and examine where I am. I want more than anything just to live for this second and let tomorrow worry about itself.
I am stronger than I give myself credit for...but today it is hard for me to stand in that knowledge. I know that I am an amazing person, meant for great things...and so I wonder why I often stand on the sidelines content to play the leading lady's best friend...I am meant for more than that. I am supposed to be my own star...I was never created to stand in the shadows, but I have allowed myself to become complacent here...I have become the understudy in my own life...I have allowed myself to fade into the background...
How do I change this? Do I take control of the things I've let slip away...or do I remain in the shadows forever forced to play a flat character...???
I am less than I should be...I should be more...
I don't understand all of the things that I am going through at the moment and so it gives me reason to pause and examine where I am. I want more than anything just to live for this second and let tomorrow worry about itself.
I am stronger than I give myself credit for...but today it is hard for me to stand in that knowledge. I know that I am an amazing person, meant for great things...and so I wonder why I often stand on the sidelines content to play the leading lady's best friend...I am meant for more than that. I am supposed to be my own star...I was never created to stand in the shadows, but I have allowed myself to become complacent here...I have become the understudy in my own life...I have allowed myself to fade into the background...
How do I change this? Do I take control of the things I've let slip away...or do I remain in the shadows forever forced to play a flat character...???
I am less than I should be...I should be more...
Friday, November 16, 2007
Only Me...I Can't Be More...
You know...recently I have been struggling with the whole concept of why someone wouldn't want to be with me. This is by no means a ranting of false modesty, because I know that I have many flaws, but I am somewhat of an amazing person. I am pretty...not ugly anyways...I am highly intelligent...I am quick witted and funny...I love people with all that I am...I can find a reason in anything that makes it good...I am great with children...I am an amzing house cleaner (I could use help in the kitchen though!)...I love God...and I am a good person...so why is it that all around me people are finding love, but it seems to elude me?
I don't want to be one of those people who ends up bitter and alone, and I am afraid at times that I am headed down that road. I know that part of me is already bitter...and while I am surrounded by people who love me...I tend to feel so very alone...this is never where I saw myself, and how I ended up here...I don't know that I will ever know...
I know that I just have to hang in there...it will happen at the exact moment God wants it to...not a minute sooner...or a minute later...God's timing is perfect and I know that...I have trusted him so many times in so many other areas...but this one...I struggle with it...
Mostly it is because I am scared to love...scared to be in love...scared that when I find something that resembles love...it will be taken away from me...because that's how it has happened so many times before...I hate that he did this to me...I know it's not completely his fault...but every time I think of loving someone I think of all the hurt that I went through trying to get over him...trying to realize it wasn't my fault that he didn't love me anymore...I didn't do anything for him to take his love away...but he did it...I thought he hung the moon and he brought my world crashing down around my feet...I've tried to forgive him...and it is so hard when I have to sit there and smile as though all those years of pain never actually happened...but they did...and I know they did...and it hurts...but...I go on...I just don't know if I can love the way I am meant to...
I am scared of love...I am scared even more of losing it...and so...I shut myself off...most people only get to see the surface Jessica...or the finished product...I don't want anyone to see the rough draft...the original copy...in fact...I can probably count on my hands the people who have seen that part of me...and some of them wouldn't even know the real me right now...
I don't know...most of this probably doesn't make sense...but I'm tired and sick...so...here...random thoughts of a girl undone...that's what I'm here for...and tonight...that's what you get...
Sunday, November 11, 2007
I am a Square Peg
I am a square peg. It is not something that I can help. I just am. In a world of round holes I have always been oddly out of place. Fitting in has just never been something I could accomplish. Yet, it is my uniqueness that allows me to love myself. On Thursday a friend told me I was just goofy. I replied with, "If I weren't would you really want to hang out with me." His return was that I would be boring (and this is SO true). I pride myself on my wacky, off beat personality. I love that I am different, because being normal is the farthest thing from what I am. I know that we are all created in a special way, but I like to think of myself as slightly off. I told my Mel the other day that I know God must have a sense of humor, because he created me.
I love that about me! I think the reason that I am thinking about these personality traits is because spending a lot of time with the kids brings it out in me more than usual. They love my goofiness (I just hope one day that my kids will love it too and not find it embarrassing). I love to laugh and I feel like I do it more and more each day. My kids bring something amazing into my life. They are what I live for. It's funny, because I definately see them as more than just a job. They are the sunshine on a cloudy day! I wonder if My Girl was written about a daughter, as opposed to a lover (which I have always thought until now). My kids keep me happy!
I have learned so much from them. I have learned what is important and what isn't. I have learned how to give and take. They have taught me what it means to be the best me that I can be. I couldn't ask for more than I have right now.
Not everything in life is perfect (oh how I wish that were possible at times). I'm slightly hurt. It is something I will get over. It's funny because it is not a deep hurt, just a twinge of pain that threatens bitterness, but I am fighting off the desire to be bitter, instead I am smiling, because I know that with every rose there is the threat of thorns. Aside from that small thing, I am learning to lay things down and hand them over to God. It is not an easy thing to do, but I know that His will is better than my own.
I am also trying to listen intently to what He is saying. I love to hear His voice. It is my desire to be all that He wants me to be. Right now, I know that I am letting some things slip...but this is all changing...God has given me new words! He is calling me to a higher place. I am excited to see where this square peg is going to fit (because I'm tired of trying to sqeeze into these round holes!).
It Begins!
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
My Soul Must Sing
I am nowhere near the person I should be, but God is shaping me into more than I could ever hope to become. I am blessed beyond measure. It has been an interesting ride recently (to say the least), and I know that it is far from over. I am letting him have control of things that I have hung onto for a very long time. And so here I am standing saying, take me Lord, use me Lord. Here I am broken...laying myself prostrate before you!
God has heard the cries of my heart and has reignited a holy desperation. I long for an unsatisfied satisfaction...I want to constantly yearn for more of Him. He is all that I desire...He is my everything...my all in all...He has blessed me beyond all comprehension. I am beginning to see things clearly...and I know that His plans for me are slowly unfolding to all that he has called me to be. I am a child of the Father...he is doing something new in me.
I know that this yearning in my spirit will be satisfied with nothing but Christ. He is the reason I am even here...he spared my life so that I could be more, so that I could accomplish His will.
I look forward to all that God is getting ready to do in me and I can't wait to see it all come to fruition. My heart is SO happy...
God has heard the cries of my heart and has reignited a holy desperation. I long for an unsatisfied satisfaction...I want to constantly yearn for more of Him. He is all that I desire...He is my everything...my all in all...He has blessed me beyond all comprehension. I am beginning to see things clearly...and I know that His plans for me are slowly unfolding to all that he has called me to be. I am a child of the Father...he is doing something new in me.
I know that this yearning in my spirit will be satisfied with nothing but Christ. He is the reason I am even here...he spared my life so that I could be more, so that I could accomplish His will.
I look forward to all that God is getting ready to do in me and I can't wait to see it all come to fruition. My heart is SO happy...
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