Out of Place...

My life has always been different than others'. I am a little strange and most days I want something different than the others in my generation. When I was younger, I always had different priorities than my friends. While they were oohing and aahing over babies, I was playing cops and robbers with the boys, when they were oohing and aahing over boys, I had my nose in a book...I've always wanted different than my peers...

This fact has made me somewhat of an oddity. I never really fit in anywhere because I never held the same interests as those around me. Right now the majority of my friends are either married or in serious relationships, and while this is an important thing with me it is not up there on my priority list. I just feel out of place because my life is in a different place than their's.

I wish that feeling out of place was no big deal for me. I mean, I've felt that way my entire life, you would think I would be used to it by now. I miss Kendra...(my cousin)...she's the only one I never feel out of place with.

Someday I will fit in somewhere, but until that day I will stand out, and I must deal with that...so I leave you now..

I Just Need To Say...

Ok, I know that there has to be some kind of age limit on the guys I'm interested in...All the men/boys (sorry guys, some of you still rank as boys) are either too old (I mean old enough to be my dad old...or too young...like young enough to be my little brother who just started college young!

Is there no one in between? No one out there who will be just right? I don't know...the younger guy thing has always been there, but the old guy thing, I'm not sure I'm OK with that...The younger guy thing isn't really all that great either...oy vay! What am I going to do with me...

Again I say...sadness!

My Life and the Sadness of Things...

My life is generally bland...I have my friends, my family, my job...but sometimes it feels as though I am stuck in a rut. This weekend was interesting to say the least...I am a multi-faceted person, and anyone who knows me, knows that there are times when it seems I have no control over my emotions...this weekend was no exception...

My brother's roommate and my sister's best friend came to stay with us through the hurricane...which, well, let's face it...wasn't anything like we faced last year, so no skin here...Monday afternoon held us captive and burdened us with cabin fever...we had to get out of the house...and besides...we needed to take Grant back to SEU...so we decided to go to the Lakeland mall...sounded fun...I got to go hang out with my brother and his roommate...I would be the cool older sister...and then we ended up having another one of Brandon's friends go with us...and Brandon's girlfriend...so I felt like a chaperone on a double date...

I HATE BEING THE FIFTH WHEEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope everyone gets the picture there...anyways...on the way to pick up the ladies...my brother states that I might never get married...and that he is likely to get married before me...and he wouldn't be getting married for the next 4-6 years...I will be 30 in six years...I started crying...

My night was gone after that...I couldn't even pretend I was happy...I did get a really cute outfit...and I loved the people I was with, but I went from feeling like I was going to be the cool older sister...to the lame single sister who had nothing better to do than drive my brother and his friends to the mall...

This is beginning to depress me all over...so I believe I will stop...sadness

Some New Quotes

"Real love is more than a physical feeling. If there's even the slightest doubt in your head about a guy, then forget about it. It's not real." - Ethan Embry

"There is always some madness in love. But there is always some reason in madness." -Nietzche

"Success is simple. Do what's right, the right way, at the right time." - Arnold H. Glasgow

"It is what a man thinks of himself that really determines his fate." - Henry David Thoreau

Life is Such a Chore

As I talked to my mom today I relived moments from not so long ago...I remember when it was easier to put myself down than to lift myself up...I used to believe I could beat everyone to the punch...look how fat I am, ugly I am, stupid I am, or any other thing you throw in there that was derogatory...I hated being me.

I was young and stupid. I have learned, since then, that my life is more than the meaningless put downs that I used to fill my days with. I am beautiful, even if I don't always believe it. I am smart...no matter how stupid I act, and I am that friend, the one that you come to when no one else is around.

I'll keep my head up, and you do the same, because at the end of the day life is not as bad as it seems, and the rearview mirror is only passing guide.

Routine...Good or Bad?

Ok, anyone who knows me, knows that I am obsessed with movies. Tonight I sat and watched the new movie Crash. I was highly impressed with it. The R rating is necessary for the language...which was the worst part...but the best way I could describe this movie was highly poignant...I laughed...I cried...I screamed at the tv...(I'm telling you...I'm obsessed).

I think that we live in a world where racism and prejudice run rampant, but we overlook it because we choose to be ignorant. We are exactly what MLK Jr. spoke out against. We are the man who sits idlely by and does nothing. Who are we to think that we have no voice? Or that we shouldn't have a voice?

We are the only voice some people will ever hear, we must speak while we still have the chance.

Breakdown

Ok, anyone who knows me, knows that I am obsessed with movies. Tonight I sat and watched the new movie Crash. I was highly impressed with it. The R rating is necessary for the language...which was the worst part...but the best way I could describe this movie was highly poignant...I laughed...I cried...I screamed at the tv...(I'm telling you...I'm obsessed).

I think that we live in a world where racism and prejudice run rampant, but we overlook it because we choose to be ignorant. We are exactly what MLK Jr. spoke out against. We are the man who sits idlely by and does nothing. Who are we to think that we have no voice? Or that we shouldn't have a voice?

We are the only voice some people will ever hear, we must speak while we still have the chance.

Crash

Ok, anyone who knows me, knows that I am obsessed with movies. Tonight I sat and watched the new movie Crash. I was highly impressed with it. The R rating is necessary for the language...which was the worst part...but the best way I could describe this movie was highly poignant...I laughed...I cried...I screamed at the tv...(I'm telling you...I'm obsessed).

I think that we live in a world where racism and prejudice run rampant, but we overlook it because we choose to be ignorant. We are exactly what MLK Jr. spoke out against. We are the man who sits idlely by and does nothing. Who are we to think that we have no voice? Or that we shouldn't have a voice?

We are the only voice some people will ever hear, we must speak while we still have the chance.

Quote of the Week

"We are all Cyrano, all loving with no hope of true love in return...All Roxanne, loving an illusion of love...All Christian, loving with words that are not our own...All imperfect, parading our imperfections in spite of our fears, with one thought in mind, to play to the end, to risk all and to be left with that which is most dear..."

From Bigger Than the Sky...the words just struck a chord in me...beautiful and poignant.

On the Outside Looking In

To Those Who May Be Listening:

I love my life and I have for a while. If you don't know me, this is a big thing...I used to hate myself and had very low self-esteem (not that I still don't, it's just a lot better than it used to be). I love my job...every day presents a new challenge and every week I learn something new. My students make my day and my week.

The weekends are great, because I have been blessed with amazing friends. The down side right now is that I hate driving to Lakeland to do anything with them. Not that I don't want to, but when you've been up since five and you've been with kids all day long, most of the time you just want to chill. I think God is going to either have to move me closer to my friends, or give me new friends closer to me.

I don't know, I just feel what I have always felt...that I just don't belong. I've never fit in, and I've always been the outsider. Don't get me wrong, I am accepted anywhere I go, but I'm always on the outside looking in. Every now and then they see me and think they should invite me in...and that's how it has always been, but maybe someday I'll find that place where being on the outside is not an option.

I Love the Weekends!

Being a teacher has given me a newfound appreciation for the weekend. If you think about it, all it really is, is two and a half days of unstructured fun. Unless of course you plan every single moment of your life, in that case you are probably too stressed out to enjoy the weekend. But I now realize that I must take the weekend and run! Last weekend I went to the beach. This weekend the plans are up in the air. I think tonight might be my veg night. I love to rent movies and just chill. I don't do that much during the week.

For those of you clubbers who like to go out and have a good time, have fun! I am going to have a spa night and enjoy my moments of solitude! Until later.

Jess

Life is Such a Chore

In a world where things are fast and convenient, life seems as though it is more of a chore than it should be. We wake up and continue through our day doing one thing after another. Why do we work so hard? What is it we are working for? Success? Wealth? Power? Yet, how many of us are actually going to see these, despite how hard we work. And isn't it all subjective? I mean working hard to me could be goofing to you. So then my question remains...why is it that we live life like a chore?

I don't mean to sound like a pessimist, but today I realized how worn out I am. I guess you could say it has to do with the fact that I have never really had a real job and now I wake up every morning and get ready to mold the minds of the next generation. Most days this doesn't feel like a chore. It is exciting and challenging. It is the getting up so early and going to bed so late and having no time to do anything in between that often makes it feel like a chore.

I suppose life should lived as choice and that each day we should choose to give our best. But when we do have a bump in the road, a day when life feels more like chore, it is then that we must remember the choices we have. Love life or hate it, we must all do it.

Craziness is the Only Way to Describe It

My life has been a whirlwind of events since the last time I had a chance to write. My little brother started college and moved into his dorm. I can't believe how grown up he is. He also has this new girlfriend who is super sweet and really likes him. They are a very cute couple (not that it matters, but it doesn't hurt). Well, at any rate, I like her and we have added her into our family. Meg is working at Victoria's and going to school full time as well as doing an internship with Lake Wales Hospital. She is as busy as ever. No man in her life right now, but she knows there is more to life at the moment than that. Mom has taken on another job and is working all the time. She usually comes in from one job with enough time to change and make it to the next. Dad has started his internship. He loves it and we can't wait for him to graduate (neither can he!).

I am teaching now. I have a full time job teaching 7th grade reading. It is definately interesting. I just finished my first full week with the students and I am so tired. But I guess I could say it is in a good way. I have already established most of the good ones from the bad, but I am trying to give them all a chance and pull them out of their boxes and into the class as a whole.

Besides my new job I have also experienced a renewed passion in my spiritual life. I have been praying regularly and even reading my Bible, almost every day (I'm still working on that one). We recently had Heaven's Gates and Hell's Flames at the church and the first week we did it I had a need prayed over, something that has been holding me down for years, and it was broken that week. I have not had the same weight of sin over me and I am able to breathe for the first time in a long time. God has been so good and I can only thank him for what he is doing. I love him so much.

I think the one area that I am failing in right now is in my desire for a relationship. I am trying, with all of my heart, to trust God, but at the same time I feel like I keep falling further and fruther into a pit of despair. I know that I still have plenty of time to get married and have children, but at the same time, there is a large part of me that is shouting "When?" If you know me, you know this is something I continually struggle with. I seem to always find myself wishing and hoping for that life long relationship to begin. The thing that I see right now is that I want to get over my low self image or esteem. I keep saying, "If only I were pretty." Or, "That girl is much prettier than me, why wouldn't he want to be with her instead?" and I come up with a million reasons why that guy shouldn't be with me, but one time, just one time. I would like to think I was the best thing for him. My heart hurts, and the tears that I want to cry are inummerable. Why can't I just be content? Why do the longings continue to grow stronger? I want out of this. If it isn't going to happen then I want it to be over, no more desires for a family, no more desires for a husband, no more desires for that companionship. My heart hurts to think about it, and I don't know what else to do. I want to cry, but I don't. I think my biggest fear right now is that I will never have that thing which, right now, I long for almost more than anything else.

Someday my life will seem like it has reached some level of normalcy again, and when that day comes I will let you know. Until then I will keep you posted.

What's With the "One"?

I know that I put up a good front in this whole till death do us part thing, but the honest truth is that I am ready to get in that forever and ever kind of a relationship. I still hold to the fact that I want to wait for Mr. Right, and not Mr. Right Now, but why can't I meet Mr. Right, right now? Life is inevitably made up of the twists and turns that make life worth it, I just wish for once that those twists and turns would wind up dropping me right into the lap of the man of my dreams. I suppose the mystery is what will make it so great in the end. I hate mysteries!!!

I know that I am not past my prime, I doubt that I've even hit it yet, but there is something inside me that so longs for that perfect puzzle piece that will fit my very oddly shaped one. I just don't want my desire for that forever relationship to blind me. For instance, if I were to meet a guy that would make a great potential partner, then I would probably put everything I have into it. This is what I did in my last relationship and I ended up being more concerned about where our relationship was headed than where our relationship was at the time. I ended up with a busted relationship and a broken heart.

Why does it have to all seem so difficult? Why can't I just open my eyes and see the man standing right in front of me? I mean, they say you know when you know, but really, what kind of answer is that? I don't want to be this impatient, I don't even want to want it this bad, I just know that right now, in this moment, I do. I will get there, and I know that. I just feel as though my hopes are slipping away. I want to trust God completely, but I find myself wanting to rely on me. What is wrong with me? Maybe someday I'll have the answers, or maybe one day years from now I will be sitting here asking the same questions

Give Me Directions!

So, here I am on the road in this thing called life. I take a left and then I make a right, but somehow I am stuck wondering if I should turn around and head in a different direction. I think there have been times when I have hit dead ends, gone the wrong way up a one way or got caught making a u-turn. Why is it that even in life we refuse to stop and ask for directions? Are we scared of what someone might think, or is it that we refuse to relinquish the control? I wonder what would happen if we would just let God take the driver's seat. I have a hunch that we wouldn't end up lost as often as we do.

I think right now, more than ever, I am ready to just let God take over. I feel like I keep making the wrong turns, and if I don't watch out I won't know how to get back to the right road. I want my directions to be guided by God. You know, go to GodQuest.com for directions and let His map lead the way. The Bible is right there for me to refer to and yet so often I find myself relying on my own understanding.

We are so naive to think that we can do any of this on our own. We need his wisdom and guidance to point us in the right direction. I want to let God have control. Why do I struggle with this so much? I mean, he's the one who sent his only Son to die for me and yet I can't even let him guide my path. I hope that I can begin to give him complete control, because as long as I am in the driver's seat, I will be relying on me, and it's time to start relying on Him!

E-Love

The other day I sat watching television and couldn't help but notice the E-Harmony.com commercials. It triggered a plethera of questions and I began to wonder...can we truly allow a computer dating service to hold the responsibility of matching us up with our life partner? Can you truly get to know someone who you've never actually met? What kind of love story is it to say that you met your spouse on the internet? It just seems so impersonal to me. I want a unique love story...and while it might have been unique at one time to say you met your spouse via the world wide web...it has now become a general consensus. I am not saying that it is a bad idea...I just can't imagine myself doing anything like that.

Maybe it is the hopeless romantic in me that keeps me from seeing the romance in this new era of dating. I want there to be more to my match up then whether or not our profiles line up. What if you could be truly happy with someone who would never match up to your profile? Isn't there more to meeting someone then just compatibility? Again, I am not saying that meeting someone online is bad...just not for me.

When I find love I want it to be magical. I don't have to know right off the bat...I don't even have to know for years to come...I just want it to be more than a profile being matched by people I don't even know. It is almost like a blind date set up by a blind friend...you don't know who the person is, nor do you know the person who is saying they would be a good match. I guess it all just made me stop and think.

Hopeless romantic that I am, I want love to be more than a computer screen. I want daisies and walks on the beach (I know, it is such a cliche'). I want to be able to sit with the person and watch a sunset without saying a word. I want to watch the clouds gather and part in our lives and to know that it will last. I want real love, not e-love. I might not see this love for some time, but I know it is out there, somewhere...I will wait, because once I have it, it will be worth it.

Read Me My Writes

I have never been able to explain the uncanny way I can read a book in half the time it takes most others. Since I have been home I have taken advantage of that fact. I love to read and over the last two weeks I have read five books. I am amazed with myself. I think myself something of an oddity. Do not misunderstand. I do not consider myself of some greatness, but this is something that even I cannot understand. Maybe it is the reason that I love to write so much. I think of words as my friends. They can tell you so much and help you see beyond the page. To read what is written is a gift that we often take for granted.

Writing is the other gift that comes hand in hand with ability to read. Writing gives us the chance to express the things we keep inside, scared to say, scared to share, but we still have that opportunity. I love the ability to write!

I know this is a wierd topic and only someone who loves to read and write as much as I would come up with something like this. Yet, it is what I love, and so I share with you my passion. Eat up the words around you. Take them in and learn to use them. They will take to places you could only dream. Dare to dream!

A Single Serving Please

If you know me, you know that I am quite content in my single status. But I think that my fellow singles would agree there are times when your status seems to be amplified. Tonight I sat at church sandwiched by married and dating couples. I couldn't help but notice and wonder why it is in those moments that you truly feel alone. They are my friends and would never want me to feel that way, but I couldn't help it.

Now, don't get me wrong, I truly do enjoy being single. I am my own person and quite unique in many ways. I feel that if I were to attempt getting into a realtionship on my own that I would be settling for Mr. Right Now instead of Mr. Right. I want to wait on God's timing. That could mean it will happen tomorrow or maybe ten years from now, but I have dated guys who weren't right for me, and I don't want to go through that again. I'm reading this book called "What's a Girl to Do?: While Waiting for Mr. Right" and I love it. The author has so much wit and she gets past all the fluff and dives right in there. She talks a real talk and yesterday I read a part where she said her prayer sounded something like this..."God I know that to you a day is like a thousand years, but I do not have that long, please, if you could, hurry it up a little." I thought this was hilarious in the fact that we all do it. We want it to be God's timing, but sometimes that's just not soon enough.

I am willing to wait, even if that means I have be a single "serving" for a few more years. I know God will bless all that I am and all that I do. Just sucks when those moments like above happen and that's what you think of. To all my coupled friends out there, you know I love ya, and to my other single servings, don't get discouraged but hold on to God's promises, that's what I am choosing to do.

Do Not Put Me in a Box

Today I sit here trying to remember that I am me and no one else can make my decisions for me. I have always struggled with this concept, thinking that somehow I must make my decisions for everyone else. Take my job situation for instance. I sit here with the opportunity to work in a library or to teach. Now there are positives and negatives to both of these positions, but as I have carefully weighed my options I have decided to go with the library. Some people might sit there and make a face (which they have) but I am very different than others and I enjoyed working in a library when I was in college and believe that I will continue to do so for years to come. This position provides me with the opportunity to persue a level of higher education and the chance to gain experience in order to work at any library in America, maybe even the world.

Now you might sit there and say, sounds like you have made your decision. One would think that this is a correct assumption, yet, you are not my mother. I love her, but she could drive a crazy person sane. I want to assure her that I am doing what I want to do, but for some reason it is not that easy.

I guess that I needed somewhere to vent my frustrations. I want to be happy, yet I do not think that people truly understand what it is that would make me happy. Only I can take the steps needed to fulfill areas in my life. I want to be my own person, void of external suggestion. There comes a time when your decisions effect you and you alone. I am at that point. If I stay here and work, then it is my life that I am putting here. I ask no one else to make the same choice. I am me, and I will continue to be me even when all the other voices have been drowned out. It is whether or not I will like who I am once those voices are gone that is the true question. I want the answer to be yes. And for that reason I must choose for me.

This Crazy Little Thing Called Life

My life has been a non-stop buzz since I have been back in Florida. On Friday I went to Daytona to work the Pepsi 400. It was insane. I am a big people watcher and as I watched people there I realized that race fans are almost an entire breed unto themselves. Please be aware of the fast approaching rant...I just don't understand what the big deal is. These men (and women) get into these cars and race at dangerous speeds...sounds kinda cool, until you add in the fact that thousands of people sit there and watch them go around and around and around...it never ends...and it isn't exciting. AHHHH!!!! These people are insane...add in the fact that they are drunk off their butts and you get a great combination. End rant. Saturday was pretty much the same...but due to rain the race was delayed and we didn't leave until almost 11...which meant that we didn't get home until 3:30.

Sunday we got up and went to church and afterwards we had a church picnic. It was fun and we all had a good time. When we got home we all took a nap...and we barely got up in time to get to Earnie and Kim's, but once we were there we had a great time! We ate and played games. I learned to play mafia, and I had so much fun. On Monday we went to Charlie and Melissa's for the 4th, we ate and swam...played some cards...I learned to play spades...Fireworks were an obvious choice for the night and then we went back to Charlie and Melissa's and swam. It was good times.

Yesterday I went to Epcot with Abs and Tara and Michelle. I had so much fun I can't even beging to explain. I think my moment of the day was when I was in Norway and I asked the guy working the ride where he was from...I knew that he had to be from Norway, but I mean where in Norway...They really thought that was funny...oh well...he was cute so it was cool...

This is my life now...one event after the next. Welcome to my crazy life.