A Day in the Life

It's a hard life, but someone has to live it...Take today for instance. Woke up, went downstairs...made pancakes for Alexa...then...we got in the hot tub...it was really hard work...oh...you just don't understand...walking right out the back door and there it is...we were out there for almost an hour...and then we washed up...got dressed...did our hair...she laid in my bed while I did my hair and make-up...watching dragon tales...and then we went to the toy store...Chik-fil-a...and home...went to pick up the other two from school...went all over town to find a specific Webkinz (if you don't know what that is...count yourself among the blessed)...went home...fixed a snack...did homework...played on the wii (I kick butt at ping pong!)...and then we had some quiet time before I got off...

What a day!

Seriously though...I love my job...the last couple of days have been hard because Alexa has spent a lot of time crying (mostly because she misses having her brother and sister around)...but today was such an amazing day!

It's funny...because they are my life...everything I do...has to do with them. Take my recent default picture...that's me and Alexa at the office...in the back playroom...playing dress-up...I know...you are so jealous...you WISH you could be that cool...

My kids are going to be so spoiled...although the thought did pop into my head today...I can't imagine chasing a four year old around when you are eight months pregnant...that would be CRAZY!!! Anywho...

I don't know what's going on with everyone else out there in cyberspace...but I really do enjoy what I am doing right now. I am so blessed!

Life is Good...

Life seems pretty good right now...I have an amazing job where I get to spend time with some pretty amazing kids. Today was so much fun...I went to a new church and met some really cool people...went to lunch with them...and then went swimming with the kids...I am somewhat wiped out from the swimming...oh goodness...did we have fun! The two youngest have just completed their swim lessons so they are pretty much experts now...neither of them can really go to the deep end...but they'll get there sooner than they realize...

Tomorrow is the start of school for the two oldest...which leaves me an little Alexa to have fun with one another. She is a doll...a pistol...totally pig-headed...but she already has my heart...these kids are spectacular...We have spent a lot of time together this last week and I am just blessed off my socks to have such amazing people in my life...

Seriously...today was GREAT!

It did make me miss home a little though...the whole going out to eat after church thing totally had me missing Sonny's...plus I ate at a place called Dustin's last night...it reminded me of Sonny's too...I miss you guys...I really do...

I just wanted to post a little update on my life...it's good...it's really good...

Here

I can't believe that I haven't even been here a week. I have a mixture of feelings. I am so excited, because this job is exactly what I wanted. I have so much hope in this whole thing. I love the family and already feel as though I am a part of what is going on here. This house is amazing. I have only been in a few houses this nice and my cousin's house in Kentucky is the only one I find even remotely comparable to it. They actually have a theatre upstairs...a REAL theatre...It is amazingly spectacular. The kids are wonderful. They are by no means of the word, perfect...but they are good. Each one offers so much of their individuality to this job...and I love the challenges I face. Brianna, the oldest is the only one I feel that I haven't truly found a way to connect with. I think this is due in large part to the fact that she feels like she doesn't need a nanny...which I totally understand.

I went to church on Sunday night and it was by far the best service I have been to in YEARS!!! Pastor Jim is AMAZING! And I am excited about being a part of this. On Thursday I am going to the young adults group. They meet in a small group at Barnes and Nobles...I met the pastor and his fiance (they are getting married this weekend). I am excited about meeting some new people. It will be really good for me. I feel somewhat lonely, but am trying to let it pass...thinking that it's probably normal. Don't get me wrong, I am not lonely in every sense of the word, only in that there are times when I wish that I had someone close by, so that when I get off...I'm not just watching tv or a movie up in my room...but that I might be able to go out...just...talk to someone...

I feel as though I am throwing a pity party inside myself...and it's ridiculous...and I know it...I hate it when I let petty things totally tear me apart...tear my sefl-worth slowly from my hands...God did not make me someone to be walked on...but I can do all things through him...the thing is I knew that God was pulling me away from people...so I don't know why I am surprised that I am not a priority friend for those people any more...Goodness...that sounds so lame...and completely sorrowful...I know that people love me...it's not that...it's just...I wish I knew how to explain this...I mean...I hate that I feel this way...and I don't know...I just wanted to vent...to say that...I don't care if it's "out of sight out of mind"...I'm here for a reason...and no matter how much I loved those people...one day I will find someone that won't just forget...

Wow...I can't believe how very lame this all is...but...there...that was my pity party...and sad as it is...I actually do feel better...

Starting a New Journey

I got the job! I am so excited at where God is taking me. It is scary and exhilrating all at the same time. I have been hanging in there all summer...held up only by my faith, and here at last I find that I am completely happy with where God has brought me. I truly could not ask for more. This position is perfect for me. I will be moving to Ormond Beach where I will be a nanny for a family of five. Their three kids are all adorable and will be both fun and challenging. I truly believe that this is where God wants me. I get the chance to impact lives. Three little lives.

I will be living with them and taking care of the kids most days, having a couple of days off here and there. I don't know that I have ever been this excited about anything. At the same time I am a little sad that I won't be here with my friends...but as I stated a few blogs back...I've really felt as though God were seperating from people anyways...

So here I am...on the verge of a new journey...I can't wait...and it comes sooner than expected. I will be leaving this Friday! I know...I got the call today. It's bittersweet because my dad left today and I didn't realize that I wouldn't see him before I moved away. I mean, I know it's not like I won't be back, but he and I have already talked, so it's all good.

I can't believe that I am leaving...I mean...Bartow has basically been home to me for the last two years...even though I haven't lived here that whole time...I have been blessed to form friendships that I find to be priceless. I could never have asked for better friends while I have been here...it is a shame that I have known some of them such a short time...but they are in my heart...and I will be back to visit. I can't believe that this has all happened in the span of a month...it feels much shorter...as though it all just happened...I believe that this move will change my life...and that there are reasons I don't even understand that are leading me to this job...God is so good...and I continue to put my faith in Him...

A Clean Room, A Dead Frog, and Blind Faith

I am sitting here in the middle of cleaning my room...I was just talking to Merri and she was like "that doesn't sound like fun"...and I thought...well...it isn't...but I am deep cleaning it with the faith that I will be moving soon, and I would rather deep clean now...and get rid of all of the things that I don't need or use anymore...and to get everything organized...then to try to do it while I am trying to pack...

Today I met with the husband and wife who are considering hiring me as a nanny. It was such an amazing experience...I have never wanted anything this bad. The entire situation is perfect for me...and I am truly believing that this is where God is sending me...I think that faith is such an interesting thing...I believe that this is where God wants me...but satan is good about sneaking in and trying to tear away my faith...don't get me wrong...I know that if this is not God's will for my life that He will shut the door (which is what I am praying)...but that if this is where He wants me then He will strategically move me in that direction...and I am hanging on to my blind faith right now...

I have always been pretty good about the whole faith thing...in most parts of my life...and His guiding me in the right direction is no exception...There have been so many times when I have just known that God would open the right door at the right time...He always has...and I don't know why this time should be any different...

Today a lot of people were praying for me...if you were one of those people...THANK YOU!!! I totally felt at peace and it helped knowing that so many of you had me in your prayers...I will probably know tomorrow whether or not I got the position...I am excited...and still in need of those prayers...right now I am anxious...because tomorrow will mean so many things...

God is so good...and I am so blessed!

Speaking of dead frogs...ok...that was nowhere in any of what I just said...but it was in my subject...so...while I was cleaning my room...I found a DEAD FROG!!! EW!!! Oh my goodness...I was freaking out...yikes...I didn't know what it was at first...so I just picked it up...then I dropped it and screamed...I know...I am such a girl...but I like being such a girl...lol

Dead frogs freak me out...


The End

Time to go...

I couldn't be happier with my life, but have you ever just got the feeling that it was time to go...like...everything around you was lining up so that you had the freedom to move on...without guilt of the desire to stick around...??? I just have been feeling the last few weeks that maybe everything that's been going on around me is leading up to helping it be easier for me to leave...

I don't know that any of what I just wrote even makes sense. I am sitting here at 12:30 in the morning...I've just been crying, and I know that my tears weren't in vain...it just feels that it is time for me to leave...I don't have the connections here that I once thought that I did...and I really believe that's a God thing...

I know that I have never really fit in anywhere...I kinda tend to stand out more than anything else...I am too old, or too young, or too single...or just too me...I am ready to find a place where I fit...where I actually feel needed...or...wanted...not in a "woe is me" kind of way...but in a way where I need to be there...I want to be there...and right now...I don't believe that this is either...I am tired of turning around every day wondering if I offended someone because they haven't talked to me in a few weeks...or if I am getting on someone's nerves because I find out they went out with a bunch of people...and didn't think to ask me along...I am tired of feeling like the friends I once thought I had...well...

I almost feel as though my heart has been stepped on...and maybe most of that is my fault...I shouldn't care so much...It shouldn't matter...I shouldn't be crying...grrr...I hate tears...lol...but hey...next week I will know if I am leaving or not...I truly hope it is the leaving...because I really believe it is time for me to be in a new place...to experience new things...to meet new people...I am ready to leave...I am ready to go...

Life is Good

It's funny, because we tend to write these things when we are going through tough times, or when we need to say something...but what about when life is good...when nothing is going wrong...and you're just happy...

Right now I couldn't be happier with where I am...and...it's not like I'm in the best situation ever...I am 25...I live with my parents...and I have no job...oh yeah...and my sister (my little sister) is getting married...and I am totally single!

It's so funny...you expect to feel this way when everything in your life is going right...but...this makes me feel that...God must be in complete control...

EW! There was just a Beano commercial on...not that that is important...it just disctracted me...and I am watchin tivo...so I can FF...boo...ok...back to the regularly scheduled blog...

Seriously, I love my life...I am in the process of finding a job...actually...the perfect job...I couldn't be happier being single...I wish I could have been this happy years ago...if I had only known how much time I was wasting...guys are so not worth the time...don't get me wrong...I eventually want to be with that one guy who makes the world better...but I know now that it's God's plan...not mine...that I need to be concerned with...

I don't know...I'm just happy...and I wanted to...let everyone know that life is what we make it...we have to choose to be happy...even when there's no real reason...

My Little Break

As most of you know, at the end of the school year the administration of GJHS told me that they were not going to be asking me back for another year. I sat there, trying with all of my might not to cry. I got up, walked out of that office, and I can remember that as I walked down that hallway I just kept thinking that God knew what He was doing. It was with great effort that I got through the rest of the year without a break down, and I didn't cry until having to say good bye to all of the other teachers that I had worked with.

Since the end of school I have waited anxiously for my interview with the county. After that much anticipated interview I was told that I couldn't work in a Polk County school unless I went through a year of subbing. This would mean a decrease in pay and no benefits. Needless to say, this is not an option for me. I have put my resume in with another school (and already had an interview with them) and have put my application/resume in with Southeastern. I truly believe that whatever happens, it will be God's will. Beyond those two options I am also looking out of state (closer to my home in Kentucky) for some jobs. I don't know if that is what God has in mind, but I do know that I need to be open to where ever it is that he calls me.

In order to re-evaluate where I am headed in this thing called life I am taking a break from a few distractions (the internet being one of them). For the rest of this month I will not be online. If you need to get in touch with me you can call me (863) 258-6118. You can still leave all of the comments, messages, or anything else that you want...I'm just letting you know that I will not be responding for a few weeks.

I love you guys so much and would really appreciate your prayers. You all mean the world to me and I love you all for being all that you are and for constantly supporting me. If it is God's will for me to move I know that He will allow me to have an impact just as I have had here.

I love you guys!
Jess

I Love Being Me...

We are half way through the year and here are just some of the things I've learned...

When you throw up in front of people...they never forget (or let you).

Fortune cookies are my heroes!

Heroes is the best show ever!

Gilmore Girls ended and so did a little part of me (sad...I know).

I love being a teacher!

I love being me!

There are people who come into your life, and you are better for it.

Tivo is the best invention ever!

I have the best friends I could have ever asked for.

I actually do enjoy being single.

It's wierd when you don't have anyone to have a crush on.

I am the bad one.

I love being the bad one.

Life is pretty fantastic.

I'm happier than I have ever been before in my entire life!

God has a plan for me (I already knew that one!).

I love fruit! I should be a vegetarian again.

I fill out too many surveys...and I mostly do it so that Merri will fill them out.

You can know someone for a month and feel like you've known them forever.

I can't be what everyone else wants me to be...I can only be me.

Friends are like underware (not really...but I just felt like saying that).

Did I mention I love being me...

This year has been amazing so far and I look forward to all of the other amazing things that are going to happen. I don't know why...but I believe that this year is going to change my life.

Five Years

Five years ago today I let the feeling of hopelessness drain the very life force from me. At that moment, I no longer wished to exist. Everything that I had ever been didn't seem to make sense any more. What I wanted more than anything, was to feel nothing. I didn't want to feel sad, or as though I were a disappointment, or alone, never quite good enough for anyone else. I wanted numbness to wash over me, to wash away the pain that had seemed to haunt me for such a long time.

I think I grew tired of carrying around a mask that had become too heavy to bear. Every day I slipped it on, and the people around me saw what they came to believe was the true me...happy, sweet, loving. What they didn't know was that underneath it all I was dying. I hated feeling as though I were just there, merely existing to make others feel good about themselves. Nobody knew that at age twelve I had my first desires for death. I hated who I was. Everything about me made me cringe. I wasn't original. I was a copy of what others expected. As long as I made them happy, then it would be ok...but it wasn't. At age thirteen I vocalized my hatred and people were shocked. They couldn't believe that someone as great as me could not like themself. But, what if the person they knew, wasn't the real me at all.

Five years ago I was tired of trying to figure that out. I wanted to be me, but I didn't even know who that was. I lived so long for others that I didn't know how to live for myself. I remember so well taking that handful of muscle relaxers. I had no idea what I was putting in my body, what I did know was that I wanted it to be the last thing that went in my body.

I guess God had a different plan. Almost six hours after I had ingested the pills, God pumped my stomache. They said that they didn't know why I wasn't dead. And, even though most of the meds came out at my house, I wasn't in the clear. My heart rate was so low, they didn't know if I would make it through the night...and yet...I did.

I don't know why God chose to save me, but he did. And today I LIVE for Him! If you haven't...take some time to check out my page and watch the second video...it would mean a lot to me.

Fortune Cookies...

I will be the first to tell you that I love fortune cookies...not the taste of them...or eating them at all...I love cracking them open and reading what it says inside...Last night I opened several...here are some words of wisdom from my cracked cookies (not to be mistaken for crack cookies)...

1. Modify your thinking to handle new situations.

2. You have a charming way with words.

3. You may lose the small ones but win the big ones.

4. You will find your solution where you least expect it.

5. Someone in your life needs a letter from you.

6. Something on four wheels will soon be a fun investment for you.

I don't know why I wanted to share those with you...but I did...so there they are...

I personally like number three the best...some of you will get that...some of you won't...and that's ok...

I Can Be...

Life can be confusing. We go through our days thinking we know more than we actually do, and when we realize how little we do know we get frustrated trying not to look dumb. We spend way too much time trying to make other people happy, to please them, to make them like us. What would life be like if only we would begin to stand on our own two feet, if we would just be who we are? I get so tired of wearing a mask, trying to be something I'm not. I like who I am, even when others don't. I feel happy that my life is blessed, that I know God and that I have people who love me. It is time to begin living my life constantly with this out look.

The last few weeks have been full of the usual ups and downs. I have gone though a lot and I have cried more than I care to. I think they have been healing tears, but even healing tears can hurt. I want to be happy, and these tears are just stepping stones to get me there. I don't know where this blog is going. My head kinda hurts from the tears. If nothing else, today I have realized that right now is probably not the best time for me to get into a relationship, and any guy I thought I was interested in, is no longer an option. I need to be single right now. I HAVE to be single right now. The other thing I've learned is that I have to grow in who I am. I have to be less so that God can be more.

I guess this is all just me saying what's on my mind...

Oh Yeah

I suck at this being single thing...I go days where everything is perfect and I couldn't be happier being single...and then there are days...like the last few...where I just wish it would happen for me...I wish that every day could be smooth...and that I would realize that I am an amazing person and any guy would be lucky to have me and that it's their loss not mine...yadda yadda yadda...

It will happen when you least expect it...it will just come to you out of the blue...when you find the one...you'll know...WHATEVER! Don't get me wrong...I know that everyone is just trying to be helpful...but really...I've heard it all...and the thing is...I know more than anything that God is in charge...that He has someone out there who is perfect for me...I know...without a doubt that I am going to be swept off my feet (because God knows that I have to have someone who knows what romance is)...It will be exactly what I want...but exactly when He WANTS it...

It's hard...but I know in the end I will look back and realize that it was worth the wait...but right now...it's hard...I get frustrated...because I am so happy for all of those around me that have one...but when I go to buy three bridesmaids dresses and realize that when it comes time for me to get married...these friends of mine will be having babies and starting families...I'm not going to lie...I'm a little jealous...

I don't know...it was just on my mind...one of those times when it was there...in my head...bearing down on me...and now I feel better...somewhat relieved...because I know I am not the only one that feels this way...I am but a small part of a larger whole...someday my prince will come...but until then I am content leaning on the Prince of Peace to hold me in the right place...God has it all under control...I'm so glad that it's not up to me...

Become All

My dream...that thing I want to accomplish more than anything...finishing my manuscript...ministering to youth...my dream...to live in full time ministry...I just want to live my life walking in the presence of the Lord...I want to give Him my all...and maybe I'm not working hard enough to make these dreams come true...I have distractions...and I let them pull me to the side...I want to live completely in His arms...

I remember the first time these dreams entered into me...the first time this passion rose from within...God has big plans for this little person...I am weak and insignifcant, but with Him there is so much that I can accomplish...I want so badly to just throw away these things that are leaving me distracted...and today...I do...I lay them aside...I throw them away...no longer to be distracted but to run full steam ahead towards the dreams that God has given me...I look forward to all that comes my way...even the bad stuff...I will face it all with certainty...

God has something amazing for me to do...I just can't see clearly...so...by removing these distractions...my vision will cease to be blocked...The smoke will roll away and I will be standing here with the assurance that I am doing that which God has set out for me to do...please be praying for me as I take these steps...I want to be ALL that God wants me to be..and right now I don't even feel as though I am half of what He wants...

Fixing the Brokeness

t's hard for me to determine where I'm going and I think that mostly has to do with the fact that I don't really know where I am. You can't truly decipher an equation unless you are given all of the variables needed to solve it. Sometimes I feel as though I am missing a variable, and that this puzzle thing is much more complicated than I imagined. Most days I feel that it would be easier if all of the answers were in the back of the book...to be able to find help in some way...then I remember that I have a Teacher who is trying to teach me the way to solve the problem, and His way is definately not easy...

I have so much self-doubt and a rather negative view of myself which often times gets in the way of my learning. Where God sees something beautiful in me, I tend to see all of my flaws and the things I will never fix...but He sees a masterpiece, HIS masterpiece...but how do I begin to let go of this negative view of myself...how do I grasp the beauty that I possess. I have such a difficult time believing that any part of me is beatiful...I've always been pushed aside, picked last, always the friend...never the girlfriend...let go of...left behind...

That stupid man, why did he have to leave me like that? Did he not realize how much I loved him, how I thought he hung the moon? All I ever wanted was for him to love me, and I honestly thought that he did...but then it happened...that day that was so long ago...but the day I can replay as though it were yesterday...He told us to leave...that he never wanted us to set foot in his house again...I didn't understand...I was too young...I thought that I did something wrong...I didn't understand why he didn't love me anymore...I just couldn't understand why the man I had loved so much...could utterly detroy the little girl that I was...I think a part of me began to hate him after awhile...I believe that I became bitter...and then...so many years later...after he missed EVERYTHING...he wants to come back into my life...it took me two years to be able to walk in that house without the desire to scream and yell at him...but there are still times when I could just tell him how much he hurt me...how much of me he destroyed...I loved him...and he didn't love me back...and now he wants to love me...and I don't feel as though I can spare anymore of my heart...He's the one that broke it...it's so hard for me to trust him...

He was the one who made me doubt...the one who took away the ability for me to give EVERYTHING...I can't...and I never have...and now I always hold back...I look forward to the day when I can love with ALL that I have...not just PART of what I have...

I've constantly been hurt...mostly by men (or boys) and it's hard for me to trust...to believe that someone could love me...I'm not feeling sorry for myself...I'm just being honest...

Today I feel as though God is slowly closing up the wounds that have been there for years...and there will always be scars...silent reminders that I went through something...and survived...and I know...that one day...those scars will not be noticed by the eyes of every man...but they will be something I share...with someone who will not break me the way I have been broken in the past...

I Am Just Jess

I've never felt bad about my writing...This is the place I go to vent...my haven from the world around me...I write to escape...writing keeps me sane...and it helps me make it through what no one else can...it helps me work through my emotions...

I know that so many times I am all over the place with my emotions...One moment I am on top of the world...and the next I have crashed into a series of depressing moments and attitudes...I hate this disease that has taken a hold of me...I'm sick, but not in the way that most people get sick. You can't feel my head and see if I'm hot, you can't label it a cold, and you can't expect it to be gone in a few days...This sickness has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember...and it mostly stems from feeling unloved...feeling as though I have to work hard to keep people in my life...I wish I could explain it so that it made sense to others...but maybe it's not supposed to...

I wish I understood myself half as well as I understand others. I am an enigma inside of a riddle ending in a question mark. I know that I am a part of reality, but recently I have felt somewhat disconnected. It is almost as if I am walking on the outside of my body. Things are happening all around me, but I am experiencing nothing. I hate when this feeling overtakes me. All I want to do is hide away because I fear someone might see past the act, and realize that something is wrong...and, as stated...I don't know how to explain what is wrong to those around me...and so it is easier to continually wear this mask...to just let people see the happy me...because if I'm not the upbeat person then everyone assumes that there must be something wrong...they never realize that I am just tired of trying to impress them...but...it's whatever...

No one understands me...I don't think anyone ever will...and you know what...I think I'm learning to be ok with that...

Recently I've begun to evaluate what I am doing with my life...where am I going...I am taking steps to get there...and I am excited about what God is doing...I know that most of what I have been going through is just an attack...and that God obviously thinks I can make it through...and so I will...I will keep pushing through...no matter what comes my way..

I'm Just Happy...

It is no secret that I have a permanent seat on an emotional roller coaster. The ups and downs on this ride seem to be coming more rapidly than usual. Recently I feel as though every time I turn around I am being put down in some way. I am constantly feeling attacked, as though everything I do is wrong. It has been slowly destroying every part of me, yet, I mostly smile and bear it. And when I don't smile and bear it, then there is something wrong with me.

Even though this has been my battle over the last two months, I am learning that I have a choice. A good friend told me that yesterday. He said, you have the choice, and it made me realize that I do. I can choose to be happy, or I can choose to let people's belittlement tear me apart. I know how God feels about me...and that's all that matters. I am a child of the Almightly and everything that I am is what He is making me. If other people don't like it, well...they can get over it. I am tired of living for everyone else. I am only interested in what God has for me right now!

There are a couple of people I could not get through this without...Amanda...you are always there for me...ALWAYS...you are the best friend that I could ever ask for. I love you so very much. Shawn...thank you...for always reminding me that I am WAY too emotional...and that I have the choice to be happy...I thank God you are in my life...Taylor...You make me laugh...and even though your advice is full of holes...I love you for all that you are...Jeff...if it weren't for you...well...I don't know what I would do...I am going to get through this...I know it...

I am just happy...because that's how I choose to be...

I'm SO in Love

I'm in love...I'm in love in a way that takes my breath away...everytime I think of the object of my desire...I can't help but be swept away...He has stolen my heart...and he has captured all of me...I feel as though it is ok to be myself for the first time in a very long time...he has this way of making me feel at ease...not only in his presence...but he has given me a new confidence in myself...when I am alone I can't help but think of him...when I am with others...he's all I talk about...He has become the center of all I do...

Isn't it funny how someone can be right there...and all the while we know they are amazing...and that they could be even more amazing if we would just let them in...If we would just let them become a part of our lives...I have opened my heart...I have opened my life...and now...He has complete control...

I am so in love with Him...He has given me everything...and more than I deserve...He is all that I need...yet we have gone back in forth in this dance of life...but now I am ready to surrender...He is my All in All...He is my everthing...

Lord,
I give you everything...all that I am. I am so in love with you. You made me, fearfully and wonderfully...I can't imagine life without you in the driver's seat...you are everything that I need and you are more than I could ever ask for...I have spent too much time away from you...and now...here I am...ready to give you everything...I love you and no longer want control...
Amen

I guess...I'm just so in love...I wanted to let you know...let you know...that life is now even more amazing...God is good...and I can't imagine life without Him...

I'm Ready To Go...

There are days when we wake up and we know that things are going to be different...Something around us has changed...we don't quite know how to explain it...we just know that something has happened...

I want to live with purpose...I want to live with something important in mind...I want to live as though I have a destiny...something greater that I'm meant to accomplish...I want to live my life one day at a time...and I want to conquer every day with clarity and vision...I want to make a difference...I want to change something or someone...I want to do SOMETHING...ANYTHING!!!

God has placed a passion in my heart...and I know that there is destiny in front of me...I just think that I am too scared to reach out and grab a hold of what is out there for me...I want to be braver...to be stronger...to be sure of myself...to be sure of me...to be sure of God...I don't want to doubt any longer the things that I feel so strongly I am meant to accomplish...but I am scared...I cannot lie...I will not lie...I know that I am meant for something great...something amazing...

God...grant me the patience to see this through...teach me to lean not on my own understanding...but to hand it all over to you...for you alone hold my future...you alone create my path...lead me and guide me...

Ready or not...here I go...

Going to the Chapel...and I'm NOT Getting Married

So today I went wedding dress shopping with my sister...It was the second time I have been through it although this time was definately on a different level...I was talking to her tonight...and I told her it's a little hard for me that she is getting married before me..then I said...no...it's REALLY hard that you are getting married before me...but I know that God has something else for me right now...

I am going to be in four weddings this year...three of them I call my best friends...the other is a close gal pal whom I love dearly...I am so excited for each of them...and I know that when my day comes they will be excited for me as well...

You know...I don't want to be married...I just think it might be nice to have someone around...don't get me wrong...I don't NEED anyone right now...and God and I are on good terms about this whole me being single thing...but it's days like today where I have to pray that God grants me a supernatural patience...I want to wait on HIM...because He knows so much better than I do what I need and when I need it...

I found this from my other blog and I think it kind of applies to what I am feeling today...

If you know me, you know that I am quite content in my single status. But I think that my fellow singles would agree there are times when your status seems to be amplified. Tonight I sat at church sandwiched by married and dating couples. I couldn't help but notice and wonder why it is in those moments that you truly feel alone. They are my friends and would never want me to feel that way, but I couldn't help it.

Now, don't get me wrong, I truly do enjoy being single. I am my own person and quite unique in many ways. I feel that if I were to attempt getting into a realtionship on my own that I would be settling for Mr. Right Now instead of Mr. Right. I want to wait on God's timing. That could mean it will happen tomorrow or maybe ten years from now, but I have dated guys who weren't right for me, and I don't want to go through that again. I'm reading this book called "What's a Girl to Do?: While Waiting for Mr. Right" and I love it. The author has so much wit and she gets past all the fluff and dives right in there. She talks a real talk and yesterday I read a part where she said her prayer sounded something like this..."God I know that to you a day is like a thousand years, but I do not have that long, please, if you could, hurry it up a little." I thought this was hilarious in the fact that we all do it. We want it to be God's timing, but sometimes that's just not soon enough.

I am willing to wait, even if that means I have be a single "serving" for a few more years. I know God will bless all that I am and all that I do. Just sucks when those moments like above happen and that's what you think of. To all my coupled friends out there, you know I love ya, and to my other single servings, don't get discouraged but hold on to God's promises, that's what I am choosing to do.


I guess I just have to hold on...so that's what I am going to do...hold on for dear life...