Let's Talk About...

Boys...I was skimming through a book of mine entitled "Lady in Waiting" and began to read the underlined or highlighted sections of the chapters. I realized what I have been saying the last few months...that I am happy/content with being single. As I sat there looking through that book I reminded myself that I still feel that way. I enjoy being single, knowing that God is shaping my story. I love that He has my plan in His hand and that I don't have to worry about it at all. Looking at that book though, I also realized that I haven't matured much in my outlook on relationships. I read the book when I was a junior in college and here I am five years later and have little difference in the way I handle relationships. I would love to be involved in a mature relationship where things seem to have high functionality. Not that I can't, but I don't know that I am doing very well at the whole acting mature thing.

I don't know if this is due in part to the fact that I've never really had a mature relationship, and while i have been in relationships I don't know how valid I would count them. I have decided that I am just going to refocus on my happiness, the love of my job, and life today. I will stop looking to the possibliity of a relationship, and will refocus on my relationship with Christ.

I am still excited about life, about where I am headed and about where I am at. I know that God is in charge of this whole possible relationship thing, or lack thereof...and I will just let Him have control...I will just mess things up...Who knows what's in store...

Another Day

So life goes on now much as it always has...I love my life still...and I am in love with my job...I guess there are bad days, but I get through them without much problem. I love everything that I am going through right now...I am amazed at how great God is...and all that He is doing in my life. I can't wait to see where He is taking me...I know that there is so much more going on in my life that He must have control over...

I am not confused at the moment, but I am interested in seeing what is going to happen in my life...One day God is going reveal everything to me and it will all make sense...

I don't really have all that much to write these days...what with a life that is full of beauty and peace...my blogs of turmoil are obsolete...not that I am complaining...in fact it gives me great satisfaction...I can't wait to see what God is doing in my life...

Life as it Should Be

Each day goes by giving me new challenges to face...and at the end of each day I feel as though I am exactly where I should be. God has done so much for me and I am so excited at where I am in my life that I can't imagine life any other way.

Yesterday we put an offer in on a house...and they accepted. We are moving to Bartow! I am so excited. God keeps placing one blessing after another in our lives. I love where I am at right now. I still love my job. Even the bad days are good. Teaching high school English is exactly what I should have been doing all along.

I pray that as each of you go through life you will latch on to the experiences that God gives you and that you would let the world know what a great God He is.

God is good and His mercy endures forever.

Love ya!
Jess

God's Blessings Pouring Over Me

Last night I was working on grading papers and going through the list of my students and I almost began to cry...not because I am overwhelmed, but because God has blessed me so richly...I love my job...so much so that I was almost in tears due to it...I think it funny how God brought me to a place I never thought that I would be...

This challenge that God has given me recently...I believe that it is to teach me growth...God has something big in store for me and I am ready and excited to see what happens...I am sad in some ways...you know how you can feel that doors are closing around you, and God is opening up new ones that you never even knew were there...I am so blessed to know that God is an answerer of prayers...He has answered so many this year and I am interested to see how He answers the others still being prayed...but I have learned that God is a God of perfect timing...He knows exactly when to do something...and exeactly when to hold back...

I pray that God grant me patience...and yes...that is a prayer for patience...I truly believe that God wants to stretch my patience...because I have always been a patient person, but I see more and more where I can grow in this area. I thank God so much for all that He has done, and all that He is going to do...Keep your heads up...one day you will wake up and say "I am in the will of God" and it will feel amazing...I know because I do this every day!

Jess

So...Life...

Ok...Life is still good...I am still loving it...but I am tired and drained...This week is only half way through and I am already dragging here...but I still love my job and can't wait to get deeper into the subject.

I guess mainly...if anyone is actually reading this (I know there are a few of you faithful readers out there)...Please be praying...because through my happiness God is challenging me...stretching me to reach to a new level...I am excited but I know that what I face is going to be a challenge...I just ask that you keep me in your prayers...and specifically pray that God give me direction...Thank you guys so much!

It's been great being this happy...I don't know the last time when I felt so happy with where I was in life...but right now I am truly ecstatic to be in this place at this time...

Love you!
Jess

Random Blog

Not that the title has anything to do with what I am writing about, but it seemed an interesting fact to me.

So...life...it's good...isn't it? I love my life right now...I had the most amazing experience this weekend. As most of you know...I was born and raised in Kentucky. I got to spend time with a friend of mine that I basically grew up with. It's interesting because they moved to Florida when we were seven and eight years old...Then we moved to Florida about eight or nine years ago...and we have seen each other maybe twice in those eight years...so...I went to Ft. Myers and got to spend the weekend with her and her fiance...It was amazing...they are truly meant for each other and watching that is beautiful...

I had such an amazing time and my summer is now over...tomorrow I go back to work...and I am so excited...I can't help but be excited about where my life has come to...I never thought that this is where I would be...in fact...if you had told me this two years ago...I would have laughed in your face...but God knows better than me...

I can't wait to see what the rest of the year holds for me...God has answered so many prayers...and I am loving my life...I love my friends...and I even love being single...something I never thought that I would hear come out of my mouth...but my life is in God's hand...I am so happy...I want everyone to be able to feel this way...do I have bad days...well...yeah...but those bad days are just learning experiences...and a chance for the next day to be even better...I love God's promises...

Keep Him first in your life...and learn to love where you are now...don't be anxious about tomorrow...we're not even guarunteed that...

A Celebration of Love

I know...two in one day...there must be something wrong with me...

I got back from a wedding a couple hours ago and it was one of the most amazing events that I have ever been to. I think the reason behind that is because I know both people in the couple, their hearts and where life has taken them...Their love story is beautiful. I laughed and cried today as they told of their love and committed themselves to one another...it was beautiful! I am so happy for them...Callie will never know how much watching her love story unfold has helped me to believe in my own. It was after I heard of their enagement and pending nuptuials that I began to realize I don't want to be bitter...love is beautiful and I don't want to spend my life hating the fact that I am without a man to love and love me in return...I have so much love surrounding me...I don't want to give in to the pressures of this world...that marriage is what makes you happy (this is more so in the Christian community than anywhere else)...I'm not saying that getting married is bad...as seen today...it is beautiful...what I am saying is that love will find me when God is ready for it to happen...

I love my life...I love where God is taking me...and most of all I love Him! He has brought me out of darkness and He has taught me new light...I can't wait to keep living my life...I know that someday God will place someone in my life who will sweep me off my feet...He will make me want to fall in love with him everyday...and everyday I will...

Love, Hope, Faith

And the greatest of these is love.

Into His Heart

I want to be stronger. I want to truly run after God with all of my heart and I feel as though recently I've only put in a half-hearted attempt at our relationship. He has done so much for me...and I just can't seem to give him much of anything these days. It doesn't make sense...I used to be so in love with Him...We used to talk constantly, and now we never talk to each other any more...although if He were talking...I can't honestly say I've been listening...

Have I become tainted? Is that why there is a wall that I feel keeps pushing me further and further away from His love...I know He is always there for me...I have no doubt about that...but I know I'm not trying hard enough...and knowing that is what kills me...He has saved me countless times...He has rescued my life and soul...and yet I still do not give Him all that He deserves...

I want to be a world changer...but first I have to be a me-changer...I need to start on the inside...I can't change those around me until I myself change...God is so good and I don't want to belittle Him...I don't want to take Him for granted...I don't want to lose faith...My God is powerful and I know that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength...I just want to be at the place where I rely souly on Him...He is so good to me...He lifts me up when I am down and He knows all there is to know about me and still loves me...I want to lay down my sins, my pride, my bitterness...all of it...down at His feet...I want to stand and walk away from all that has held me down...

Please pray that I be able to do that...I want to be that quote on my page...I want to be so into the heart of God that they only way a man can find me is through HIM!!! And so I seek to be in His heart...to love Him and live for Him daily...

Jess

What is She Saying? (I Don't Know Either)

On Wednesday I left the town of Madisonville and headed to Holiday World...for those of you who don't know...it is an amusement park in Santa Claus, Indiana...I used to go there all the time when younger...I always loved it...

I spent the day with high school students...not much of a change from the usual...I had so much fun with these kids...they were an interesting bunch...we rode rides and had a blast...

The trip home was funny...I had two couples thinking I was spying on them...which I totally wasn't...but as I sat there I thought that they probably thought I was crazy...of course I always thought that people feel that way about me...I hope I'm not too crazy...people reading this probably think that I am crazy because I am kind of tired...and none of this is really making sense to me...so...am I crazy...???

I love anyone who reads this...you guys are amazing...

Jess

This is the Story of a Girl

When I think about my life and where it has taken me I realize that I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I love where the twists and turns have lead me. It isn't always easy to understand why we go through the things we do at the moment we are facing them...but each moment has been a lesson learned. I have learned to love, to forgive, to push through even when I feel like giving up and to accept the twists and turns as they come. I don't pretend to understand all that I have faced...I remember when being an adult was something we only dreamed of...when our worlds seemed so small...and now I look around and all I see is possibility...

I am so excited about my life...about where God is taking me and the journey I am on to get there...Did I think things would be different...well of course I did...I think that there are many times when we imagined something only to realize it wasn't the right time for that to be in our lives...

I talked to an old friend of mine today and told her that being single isn't as bad as I thought it would be...or have thought that it was...I love being single...I love that I am my own person and that I choose not to change for anyone...no matter how hot he is...

Learn to love yourself...learn to love your life...God has you where you are for a reason...make the most of it...and when you least expect it...all your dreams will begin to fall in to place...I can't wait for my dreams to come true...but I know that waiting just means something amazing is going to happen...

Happiness of Being Home

I think sometimes it is the simple things in life that make us appreciate what we have. Today has been a day of simple pleasures...and tonight has been a night filled with laughter...I don't know what it is about being home that makes the goofiness in me come out...now...many of you may think that you have seen goofy Jessica...but just ask my cousins and they will tell you that you haven't seen nothin'

I sat at the table tonight laughing so hard that tears were coming to my eyes and I asked why people feel the need to get drunk when they can feel the high I got tonight just from enjoying my family...add my craziness in there and you have a riot session. I laughed at everything...we now have this new inside joke and everytime I see the color pink...or hear someone say it I will reverently think of Barry Manilow...LOL

I love my family...I got my cousin a birthday card...and on the outside it said...Just think about what it means to be a part of this family!...on the inside...And try to have a happy birthday anyways...LOL...I loved it...and so did she...man our family is amazing...and horrible all at the same time...I guess you would have to be a part of it to truly understand...

Anyways...on with this greatness of being at home...so tonight I got to go to Christian Assembly...which is the church that I grew up in...I love going there...it makes me miss home...but it also reminds me of where I came from...keeps me grounded...I got to see some of my youth...which in turn made me miss my youth in Florida...I thought about you guys...Amanda (who spoke tonight), Rueben, Casey, John, Christa, Candace, Andrew, Katherine, Matt, Amanda B., Jessica, Rachel, Tiffany...oh goodness...I feel like I am leaving someone out...Danielle...Jen...man...I miss you guys already...but it was great to see Tori, Patrick and Seth...I've missed you tons...

It's hard to have two homes...I belong in both so well...who knows whether or not God will be bring me back here...but I know that for this time Florida is my home...and I love her and miss her dearly...

Later Days...

This is My Choice

This may sound like a rant to some of you and possibly that is what it is. I just feel that this is something I need to say...because I had to say it this weekend and it only served to build the intensity in my stance. Being single is not something that just happened to me. This is a choice for me. Don't get me wrong...I would love to be in the right relationship with an amazing guy, but that amazing guy hasn't walked into my life yet, and until he does...this being single thing...well it is my choice.

This person I talked to this weekend...I already knew how he preceived me..."Poor Jessica...I hope I don't end up like her...25 and alone." Actually he said that to me last night...It hurt me...because he made me feel as though being single was a bad thing. I have news for you...it isn't!

Yes, there are times when I would like to have someone to share certain moments with...but I feel that this is the time in my life where I am growing as a person. I sincerely believe that I have grown over the course of this year...I have learned that there is more to life than a relationship...I have learned to forgive and move on...life is too short to hold grudges...My life is my own...and I am able to take this time and give my all to God...to truly seek His will for my life...and I wouldn't trade that for anything...not even the right relationship...

The fact is...I could choose to be in a relationship right now...there have been many times in my life where I could have chosen that...but I don't want to be in just any relationship...I want to be in the right relationship...but I want God to take care of that...and I believe that He will...there is obviously a reason He wants me to be single right now...and while I can't see it today...one day I will be able to look back and realize that God brought me down this road for a reason...

For those of you who are single...stop feeling sorry for yourself...get out there and live life...who knows...maybe while you are busy living...God will bring someone amazing your way...

For those of you who are married...don't worry about us singletons...we will be fine...you were...weren't you...let God write our love story...like He wrote yours...So many of you are an inspiration to me...keep loving one another and be an example to others...

To those of you who are too young to worry about whether you are single or in a relationship...don't let something that is meant for your future ruin your today...I look back and realize I let the thoughts of a relationship take up way too much of my time...enjoy life today...and let God handle tomorow...

Still loving my choice...
Jess

Normalcy?

I think it is funny how I either write when everything is super great or when it is super bad...but how about when life is just...life?

There really isn't much going on in my life at the moment, but I am happy...content with where my life is...I know that many times when I write in my world wide blog I go on and on about my highs and lows...but I guess it is nice to know that there are days when life is just normal...I know...it's hard to believe that Jessica could have normal related to any part of her life...but it is true...

Exciting news...I got the position at George Jenkins High School...I am so very happy about this change...I am also excited about how much God is using me recently...and my upcoming trip to Kentucky...so it's not that life isn't good...or that it isn't bad...it's just that I am looking forward to every day...

Don't let these times pass you by...remember to hold on to the greatness of normalcy...because in my experience...it usually doesn't last long...

I Just Need Someone to Listen

Do you ever have something to say, but feel as though you have no one to listen...today you are my captive audience, those who read must hear the words I'm trying to say...

Before you continue reading, know that this will not be a happy blog, know aslo that I do not want the typical "everything will be alright" comment...I just need to get this off of my chest...and as I use this as my journal...I must say what I've needed to say...because no one will listen...

All I wanted was some time to myself...that's all I wanted...no...all I NEEDED...My weeks have been full, and my weekends have been packed with things to do...I needed some alone time...time to take a break from being pleasant...time to take a break from the happy me...time to just unwind...to walk around in my underwear and sing at the top of my lungs...

As I settled in for this much needed time...underwear and all...my brother calls..."We'll be at the house in five minutes"...we being him and his roommate...so I go get dressed...and I'm thinking..."great...the dishes aren't done...the house is a wreck...I'm not wearing any clothes...I just bought food for me for the next two weeks, but nothing for these guys to eat..."

So they get there...they complain and complain...they are hungry...there is nothing to make...they make fun of the fact that I need a recipe to make something...and then...I am tired...I didn't go to bed until almost 4 the night before...and I had to wake up at 6...I was running on two hours of sleep...I needed to go to bed...So I did...thinking they were leaving...I get woken up by my brother the next morning...He needed to use my car...sure whatever...just let me go back to sleep...He gets back...his roommate sleeps all day...all they end up doing is watching movies...cool...whatever...I watched with them...I had plans for the evening...so I go to leave...they are still there...doing NOTHING!!!!!!!!! I leave...go to the mall...go to the movies...get home...they are still there...I already had plans to stay in Bartow that night...so I leave...oops...I forgot my shoes...I call my brother...ask him to bring them to me at church today...he says ok...

I wake up this morning...call him...remind him to bring me my shoes...he calls back...15 minutes before church..."we're not coming because my roommate won't wake up" and they had driven his roommate's car to the house...so they don't even go to church...I get home...they are in the exact position they were when I left the previous night...I was frustrated!!!! I mean REALLY frustrated!!!!

So then I go to Blockbuster...and then Wal-Mart...I ask them if they are going to get out of the house...if they are going to do something...I just need a couple of hours to myself...they pester me...I try to clean...they keep asking the same questions over and over and over again...they keep laughing behind my back and won't tell me what they are laughing at...I just needed a break...they wouldn't leave...no...they didn't leave until I started crying...then they were like...oh let's leave...

And now they are gone...and all I want to do it cry...I can't even enjoy the few hours I have to myself...because they ruined those too!!!! Maybe I am being selfish...and childish...but then he thinks he has the right to lecture me...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I was doing so good...things were going so well...I hate feeling like this...like I just don't want to exist...like everything would be better without me...why won't they listen...why does he turn his back on me when I try to talk...why does everyone shut me out...why don't I matter...why why why why why why why why why why.......

I'm tired...and my tears hurt...that's all...

the end

Contemplating Moments

Our lives are a compilation of moments that we remember and the ones that we try not to. Have you ever sat around trying to remember things that you've experienced. These moments aren't a big deal, they probably weren't when they happened either. But have you ever stopped to retrace a moment. What were you feeling, what was happening to the people around you?

Today I learned that someone who used to be a part of my life, passed away. I haven't had much contact with this person in the last few years, but when I was a child she was a big part of my life. I remember one time I was staying at a friends house...my friends name was Heather...we wanted to go swimming, and my aunt had a pool...we could walk to her house from where we were...so we did...but it was really early in the morning...I remember her coming out of her house...she wasn't mad...she just said maybe we should come back later in the day...she was always so nice...and she always smelled so good. I remember when her daughter died from cancer...that was a sad moment...I remember picking blackberries in her backyard...I remember the first and only time I ever got a spanking with a belt was when I left her house without telling anyone...I remember her garage...that's where the pool toys were...I remember the plastic plates that made the paper plates stronger...I always wanted a red one...so many cookouts...passing by her place every time I went to church...

Although she has not known me these last 15 years...I will always have those somewhat meaningless memories...and for that I am thankful...

I love you Aunt Juanita!

Live Like You Were Dying

So I've been thinking today (something to do with the fact that I am going to a wedding shower tonight)...I've decided that I am putting all of this moping about not being in a relationship behind me...I was thinking that when I get married I want people to be happy for me...and I will be wanting them to have a journey of their own...one where they end up with their perfect match. I am tired of being all down about this...get over it Jess...there is more to life...you obviously have more to do...don't just sit around and wait for something to happen...go out there and live...

I watched Last Holiday this weekend, and I have to say...that is how I want to live...I want to live every moment as though it were my last...I want to tell everyone how I feel...I want to hold nothing back...I want experience life...not just read about it in books...IT BEGINS...is what I have been saying for so long, but now it is time to live it...I want each moment to count...Kirsten Dunst said in Elizabethtown..."Everyday should have a purpose"...I want to live that way...so today I live with a reason in mind...that reason is to serve God and to be the best me I can be...

I am excited...and I want to continue this outlook on life...today I give Him my all!

You Win Some and You Lose Some

Fortune: Stop searching. Happiness will find you.

There are days when I feel as though the world is perfect. My life is going exactly as it could be. I love my job, my friends, my future...I am excited about all that my life has going for it. Then there are days when I think that I am alone, that I haven't started the next chapter in my life, and I wonder why it hasn't happened for me.

It was funny today, because Christa wrote that being single sucks...and I said..."You know what sucks more...being 24 and single." It really doesn't suck all the time, just on days when I think about that next phase of life. I am excited about starting my life joined with someone else, but I wish I knew when that was going to happen. I am still young by many standards, and I know that, but I don't want to be an old mom. I want to have the chance to watch my kids grow up, and their kids grow up...I don't want to be 30 before I have my first child. I guess in the long run it really isn't up to me. God has this in His hands, and although I don't always enjoy hearing that...I know it is the truth.

I told mom today that God must have something really amazing out there for me. I guess I am writing all of this to say that some days are good and some days are bad. Enjoy the good days and don't beat yourself up for the bad ones.

Oy With the Poodles Already

These past few days have been emotional for me. Let's see...the biggest thing is that my sister is having surgery on Tuesday to have a knot removed...they are going to do a biopsy and see what it is...while I know that God is in control...I can't help but be a little concerned...I love my sister...she is amazing...so beautiful...and partially my hero (I can't discount Josh completely here)...I am praying that everything turns out to be nothing...I know God has this in His hands...

Compared to that, the other emotional battles I have faced seem like nothing...but still...it will help to put them into words...On Thursday I sat talking to my mom...she was telling me about a new professor at Warner and she was telling me that her name was "Ciana" pronounced "Shawna"...Now, since I was a young girl I have always wanted to name my daughter Ciana Claire (pronounced "C-na)...so my mom said to me "I'm going to adopt a little girl and name her Ciana Claire...since you are never going to have any children"...Ouch!

The other thing that happened was today at lunch. One of my best friends (Amanda) and I are getting ready to start an event planning business together...focusing on weddings...so my brother says "Hey, that's like the movie The Wedding Planner, if you can't wed, plan." I started crying...I know that might seem ridiculous, but it really hurt...

I already struggle with the thought of never having that in my life, that I don't need the people closest to me, making me feel as though I am right...I know that God has something amazing for me...and I can't wait until the day he reveals it to me...

All That I'm Waiting For

My prayer this year has been that God would send my help-mate, or help me be content in being single. The first Sunday after Pastor Mike's prayer retreat, he came up to me before service and said, "You're gonna find yourself a MAN." I laughed and brushed it off. Not that I doubted it would happen, because I believe that with God, all things are possible. It was just that I didn't want to get my hopes up.

I faced the year with the thought that if something happened I would be happy, but if nothing happened my life wouldn't change, I would remain happy. I found myself at the beginning and end of what I thought could be two somewhat potential relationships (not that I thought either relationship was the right relationship).

Now that I am back to where I started I wonder at what God has out there for me...I mean...I know it has to be amazing...I believe that the one God has for me will be somewhat like this...

- A MAN after God's own heart! The spiritual leader of my household, someone who will lead me in devotions and push me to be all that God has called me to be.

- Romantic, but not mushy. Someone who cares enough to find out what my favorite flower is, and doesn't just get me roses because it's the flower that seems most romantic.

- Patient. I am an emotional person and I know that the man who will be mine will also be the man who won't let my tears hinder our love.

- Kind. I need a man with a servant's heart. Who looks to the needs of others before he looks to the needs of himself.

- Someone who won't look at me like I am crazy...even though I am...

- Someone who doesn't just think I'm beautiful, but someone who convinces me that I am.

I know that God has my perfect piece out there...and I can't wait until the day when God reveals it to us...but until that day I hope I can remain patient...ever aware that God is in control...and that He loves me with all that He is...

Never Ending Beginning

This has been by far one of the most amazing weekends that I have had in quite some time! I am so used to the ups and downs of my life and this weekend is was a plethera of ups. It's not that I even did anything interesting. I just had a good weekend full of friends and laughter.

On Friday I had drama practice and afterwards we went to Wendy's. It was funny because I went in and sat down after the guys had gotten there. While they were all ordering I went and got a seat...only two of the four saw me...well...the other two got their food and sat down...four tables away from me...they never looked in my direction and so I began to sniff my shirt (thinking that maybe I smelled bad)...one of the guys who had seem me come in kind of motioned to what I was doing...I said "I'm trying to figure out of I smell bad or something"...the guys had never seen me and when they heard me they rushed to sit with me...it was so funny...

On Saturday I had drama practice...after that I just went home and worked on my online class. It wasn't anything fun...I just did that and watched Hallmark movies all day...I loved it!

Today has probably been the best day! I got to watch these kids who have been working their butts off minister to our congregation today...and they blew the house away! I am so excited to see what else God has in store for them!...IT BEGINS!!! I know that God is going to do something big, I mean...He is DOING something BIG!!! AHHH!!! I wish I could share my excitement more...I am sooooooo excited. I also think that I am just on a Jesus high!

I also got the amazing opportunity to eat lunch with two of my favorite people on earth...Dan and Rebekah...Seriously...I can't imagine my life without these guys...I don't remember what it was like before they were around...and I am going to be so sad when they leave me for the summer...but I still have a little while with them! I also got to see Cassie today and that always makes me happy...She's so amazing...I have been blessed this year with the new friends that I have made and the relationships that have gotten stronger!

I don't know...I guess tonight I just wanted to share with you guys the excitement that I am feeling right now! I also wanted to let you guys know how absolutely amazing you are! I couldn't ask for better friends!

Jess