I used to have a friend who would tell me, when I was feeling down about not having reached the milestone of marriage, that marriage isn't an accomplishment. She would tell me that my success wasn't measured by my marital status. Mean, ugly people get married too.
I've been thinking about this a lot recently, about how each person has their own path to walk, and what it means for us to let them fully embrace that journey. One of my friends posted the other day about feeling condemned for buying formula, because everyone knows "breast is best". However, if you knew the steps her path have taken her on, you would know why formula was the best option for her and her baby. Who are we to tell her that she's wrong?
My sister and I joke a lot about the fact that when it comes time for me to have my own children, I will probably need drugs. She delivered both of her's without drugs. Does that mean I will be less of a champion, less of a mom? No…it just means my path may be different.
We have a tendency to listen with the intent to speak. Before the other person has ended their sentence, we are already contemplating how we want to respond. With this concept in mind, how different would it be for us to listen with the intent of accepting the words that are being spoken? Next time someone has a different path than your's, why don't you try to hear their story. You want them to respect your decisions, so the least you can do is respect theirs.
Listen to their story and your vision will begin to expand.
I see this inability to accept others play out on an almost daily basis. We decide what is right according to us and any deviation from that is obviously wrong. I lived a lot of my life that way. I saw everything as black and white. There were no shades of grey. What I have learned is that I will never fully understand someone's decisions without fully understanding their circumstances. Even then it can be questionable.
Remember to take a step back. Move your own view around. Try to think of where they are coming from, what they have been through, and how you can accept them where they are, not where you think they should be.
It's easy to think you have all of the answers, it's harder to admit that you aren't always right. This is for all of those out there who just want to have your decisions respected. This is also for those who will never have that chance.
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
Saturday, April 16, 2016
Ramblings of a Hurting Heart
I've been single a long time. Most of my life actually. There have been moments where I have struggled with my singleness, not fully understanding why I had to endure life alone. But there have been other moments where I have embraced every aspect of being single.
What I have found is that the single status means something different for everyone. I know for myself, I have gone through several phases of singleness. I am sharing this, mostly because I feel that I have words that need to escape me, but also because I hope someone out there might read these words and think, "Finally, someone else understands."
I have been very fortunate to be surrounded by people in strong, loving marriages. I'm also very blessed to have an amazing mother who stayed home and loved us with everything she had! So from a young age, I always thought I would be married by the time I was 18 (Thank God I was wrong about that!!!). I was also an avid babysitter, so the idea of starting a family was something that just seemed like the obvious progression for my life. God had other plans.
I didn't even have my first boyfriend/kiss until I was 17 years old. I naively thought that the first guy I dated would be the guy I married. I mean, I waited 17 years, right? Wrong. He did everything right. Our first date was spectacular, and I will always be grateful to him that our first kiss seemed like something out of a movie, but it didn't take long for the crappy ending and rolling credits.
That's ok. I just figured that meant I'd meet him in college. We'd fall in love over books in the library and get married with all of our college friends around us. I watched this happen for so many of my friends. I was a catch. Smart. Funny. Amazing. I had my fair share of crushes, and I can think of a few of you that I definitely liked as more than friends, but I maybe went on three dates my entire time in college. It wasn't meant to be.
I had a short-lived relationship after college. He was funny, and he liked me. I think by that point I had decided no one else ever would, so I fell in love with the idea of him more than him. He broke up with me at an airport. It's always one of my favorite stories to tell. He helped me realize that being single wasn't such a bad thing for me.
After that, I was single for a very long time. I may have had crushes, but no one stood out to me. This was a season of singleness where I was content for the most part. Or at least, that's what I can remember. During these seasons I have had moments where I cry out to God, asking WHY? Did I do something wrong? Did I disappoint you in some way? Are you punishing me? Those questions usually surfaced when someone I knew was getting married.
When both of my younger siblings got married before me, I was beyond happy that they found the loves of their lives, but that doesn't mean my heart didn't break a little when I thought about the fact that I haven't found mine. It's hard, because they can't really understand how I feel, and honestly I wouldn't want them to. It's hard sometimes…this whole being alone thing.
In my late 20's I had a few different relationships. They all taught me something different:
1. That I shouldn't be in a relationship just because I want to start a family.
2. That just because we share a common faith, it doesn't mean we are meant to be.
3. That passion and drive are really quite important to me.
4. That no matter how many boxes he checks on the list, if he doesn't treat you right, he's not the right one for you.
Recently, I thought I had finally met the one I have waited so long for. He opened doors for me. He gave me amazing experiences…the symphony, a baseball game, a moonlit walk in a garden display. He loved me the way I deserve to be loved. So what happened? Well…for those of you who know me well, family is probably one of the MOST important things to me. And unfortunately, his family didn't want me. There is so much more to the story than that, but I had to make one of the hardest decisions I've ever made. I had to choose to be single again.
So here I am…in a new season of singleness. My heart hurts. I still cry out to God and ask him why. One day I will know the answer to that question. So right now, I drift between contentment and pain. It's funny, because as I type these words, the tears are streaming down my face, but…I'm ok with it. I would truly rather be single than with the wrong person.
This post is much longer than I intended, but I needed to say these things. I needed to see the words. I needed to be able to hold these random thoughts in one place.
I guess…what I really want to say is…if you are single, figure out what that means for you. Stop listening to what others say it means. If being single for you means being completely content, embrace that! If, like me, you drift between contentment and hurt, that's ok!
I promise that my writing will make more sense in the future, but for now, I leave you. Thanks for listening the random ramblings of my hurting heart.
Monday, March 28, 2016
I Need to Bleed
"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed." - Ernest Hemingway
I have always wanted to be a writer. From the time I was 12…I knew I wanted to tell stories. I wanted to entertain people. I wanted to make people laugh, and cry, and care. I still want to do those things. Today…I just want to write…no matter what that means.
The next few months…I want to write. I want to tell my stories. Some you will love. Some you will hate. Some will help you understand me more, and others will probably make you wish you didn't know me…or that you knew how to fix me!
I am a complete mess, but that is one of the best things about me. My life is kind of like a really messed up novel. And I am the character that you can't help but love.
I know it's not much, but today it's all I have. Stay posted. Tomorrow will be interesting.
I have always wanted to be a writer. From the time I was 12…I knew I wanted to tell stories. I wanted to entertain people. I wanted to make people laugh, and cry, and care. I still want to do those things. Today…I just want to write…no matter what that means.
The next few months…I want to write. I want to tell my stories. Some you will love. Some you will hate. Some will help you understand me more, and others will probably make you wish you didn't know me…or that you knew how to fix me!
I am a complete mess, but that is one of the best things about me. My life is kind of like a really messed up novel. And I am the character that you can't help but love.
I know it's not much, but today it's all I have. Stay posted. Tomorrow will be interesting.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Bitterness is Evil
I never write on here anymore, but I really should. Writing is cathartic. It cleanses the palate and makes many things more bearable.
So what is it that brings me here at this late hour? Bitterness.
Bitterness is evil. It creeps upon you and engulfs you in a way that catches you by surprise. At first, you realize something is happening, but by the time you know what it is, there is no way to stop it. Right now, I am bitter. I don't want to be. In fact, what I want more than anything, is to put this computer down, crawl under my covers, and sleep. However…all this does is make me more upset as the thoughts roll around inside my head of the hurt that has turned into this evil creature.
I've decided that's what bitterness is. It is hurt magnified.
I spent the last year of my life working on a project that became my child. I spent every extra hour researching and culminating my findings into this beautiful presentation that others loved, but ultimately, all of my time and effort were thrown out.
Previous to that, I spent three, almost four years on another project that was never going to be what I wanted (yet I put my usual passion and fervor in to it). Now…these two projects are merging together and I'm hurt. I'm so incredibly hurt. And that hurt just welled up inside me and came spilling out as bitterness.
I know there must be a switch somewhere that will turn the bitterness off as quickly as it came on, I just don't know where it is. I'm ready to move on from this, but that means more than I think I can handle at the moment. I will get through this...
So what is it that brings me here at this late hour? Bitterness.
Bitterness is evil. It creeps upon you and engulfs you in a way that catches you by surprise. At first, you realize something is happening, but by the time you know what it is, there is no way to stop it. Right now, I am bitter. I don't want to be. In fact, what I want more than anything, is to put this computer down, crawl under my covers, and sleep. However…all this does is make me more upset as the thoughts roll around inside my head of the hurt that has turned into this evil creature.
I've decided that's what bitterness is. It is hurt magnified.
I spent the last year of my life working on a project that became my child. I spent every extra hour researching and culminating my findings into this beautiful presentation that others loved, but ultimately, all of my time and effort were thrown out.
Previous to that, I spent three, almost four years on another project that was never going to be what I wanted (yet I put my usual passion and fervor in to it). Now…these two projects are merging together and I'm hurt. I'm so incredibly hurt. And that hurt just welled up inside me and came spilling out as bitterness.
I know there must be a switch somewhere that will turn the bitterness off as quickly as it came on, I just don't know where it is. I'm ready to move on from this, but that means more than I think I can handle at the moment. I will get through this...
Sunday, August 19, 2012
My Heart on a String
The last two months have been an extreme emotional roller coaster. I feel like there have been so many more downs than ups and those downs have been pretty painful. I didn't realize that love, when not returned, could be this hard to handle. I remember my first heartbreak. I was 17 years old. I thought that I was in love. I thought...this guy has to be the right guy. He knew all the right things to say, and I was willing to believe all the lines he fed me. Four months later I was crying myself to sleep in my parent's bed as they tried to get me to breathe through it. I just knew it was the end of the world.
I remember the second time I thought I had met "Mr. Right". I thought we had one of those stories that would be cute to tell when we were older. How I didn't understand why he was such a big deal. Or how I thought he was joking when he said that he liked me. I thought I had found this really great guy who could actually be The One. Silly me. He was just interested in the game. I had to pry it out of him that he had gotten a girl friend in the middle of our story. How did I not see this.
I think it's kind of funny, looking back now, how many tears I wasted on those two guys. I put my heart out on the line...thinking they would keep it safe.
This heartbreak that I am going through now is different. This guy started out as my friend. The first few months that I worked at my new job I thought I was going to quit every day. One day I was so upset and I remember going to this guy, this guy that I barely knew, and I cried in front of him. He calmed me down and made me see things rationally. From that point on, he was my friend. We had known each other a year before our friendship turned into flirtation. And for the last two and a half years our friendship has grown into this thing that I don't even know how to define.
There were two other times...February of last year and November of last year...where he hurt me and I cried. I thought things were over. I don't know why this time hurts so bad. I just know that my heart almost feels as though it no longer works the same.
I told him last week that I was going to give him a month. Let him really think about our relationship. If he still doesn't want me...then I'll leave him alone. The truth is...I'm pretty sure that even if I give him a month...he's still not going to pick me. Which is really unfortunate. I think we would have been good together. Obviously, this is just another bump on the road to finding the right guy. Probably the hardest bump I've ever had to go over.
I love this man. Yes. I said it, where other people can read about it. I fell in love. He's smart, funny, a complete nerd (which he would deny vehemently!), cultured, well traveled, driven. He makes me feel alive when I'm with him. There are times when he is a complete ass hole (sorry, there really is no other word for him, I promise) and makes me feel like a moron...but he always redeems himself.
A few months ago I was having a really bad day and he told me I should come over. I had been bugging him about watching the latest episode of Game of Thrones. He let me lay on his bed, made me dinner, and then let me watch tv. It's funny how much that meant to me. He probably doesn't think about that night.
He tells me he loves me and that he cares about me, and he doesn't seem to understand that those words don't mean much when there's no action behind them. I am absolutely sure that I will make it through this. I'll get to the other side and know exactly why I had to walk through the pain. I will be stronger. But I'm scared that this is going to keep me from being open to the possibility that someone could actually REALLY love me.
I remember the second time I thought I had met "Mr. Right". I thought we had one of those stories that would be cute to tell when we were older. How I didn't understand why he was such a big deal. Or how I thought he was joking when he said that he liked me. I thought I had found this really great guy who could actually be The One. Silly me. He was just interested in the game. I had to pry it out of him that he had gotten a girl friend in the middle of our story. How did I not see this.
I think it's kind of funny, looking back now, how many tears I wasted on those two guys. I put my heart out on the line...thinking they would keep it safe.
This heartbreak that I am going through now is different. This guy started out as my friend. The first few months that I worked at my new job I thought I was going to quit every day. One day I was so upset and I remember going to this guy, this guy that I barely knew, and I cried in front of him. He calmed me down and made me see things rationally. From that point on, he was my friend. We had known each other a year before our friendship turned into flirtation. And for the last two and a half years our friendship has grown into this thing that I don't even know how to define.
There were two other times...February of last year and November of last year...where he hurt me and I cried. I thought things were over. I don't know why this time hurts so bad. I just know that my heart almost feels as though it no longer works the same.
I told him last week that I was going to give him a month. Let him really think about our relationship. If he still doesn't want me...then I'll leave him alone. The truth is...I'm pretty sure that even if I give him a month...he's still not going to pick me. Which is really unfortunate. I think we would have been good together. Obviously, this is just another bump on the road to finding the right guy. Probably the hardest bump I've ever had to go over.
I love this man. Yes. I said it, where other people can read about it. I fell in love. He's smart, funny, a complete nerd (which he would deny vehemently!), cultured, well traveled, driven. He makes me feel alive when I'm with him. There are times when he is a complete ass hole (sorry, there really is no other word for him, I promise) and makes me feel like a moron...but he always redeems himself.
A few months ago I was having a really bad day and he told me I should come over. I had been bugging him about watching the latest episode of Game of Thrones. He let me lay on his bed, made me dinner, and then let me watch tv. It's funny how much that meant to me. He probably doesn't think about that night.
He tells me he loves me and that he cares about me, and he doesn't seem to understand that those words don't mean much when there's no action behind them. I am absolutely sure that I will make it through this. I'll get to the other side and know exactly why I had to walk through the pain. I will be stronger. But I'm scared that this is going to keep me from being open to the possibility that someone could actually REALLY love me.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Writing
This is a picture of my latest writing utensil purchase. I have an addiction. Type writers, pens, notebooks...I can't quite get enough of them. There is something about putting words to paper that makes you really live. Words are freeing. They give hope. They bring peace. They are powerful. They can also tear down. Destroy. Kill.
I love to write. To bring my thoughts to life and let them dance upon a page. They help me live. I don't write as much as I should. I don't stretch myself but I think it's time to start. I want to live again and I think the only way I can do that is to write! It's time do dust the cobwebs from the deep recesses of my imagination and to let myself live again. To being to life the characters I have kept hidden for too long.
Today it is vital that I let myself have the chance to live through my words...it is time again to let myself pwrite and not be afraid of rejection.
I love to write. To bring my thoughts to life and let them dance upon a page. They help me live. I don't write as much as I should. I don't stretch myself but I think it's time to start. I want to live again and I think the only way I can do that is to write! It's time do dust the cobwebs from the deep recesses of my imagination and to let myself live again. To being to life the characters I have kept hidden for too long.
Today it is vital that I let myself have the chance to live through my words...it is time again to let myself pwrite and not be afraid of rejection.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
He Calls Me Beautiful
He says I'm gorgeous. He calls me beautiful. He holds nothing back when it comes to the fact that he wants to spend time with me and get to know me. I am both flattered and flabbergasted. I know that I am pretty and funny. I am witty and charming, but that doesn't keep me from being in a state of awe when a guy is interested in me. I always find it rather ironic that I don't understand why guys aren't interested in me, but the moment they are I wonder why. How does that even work?
I don't know how to explain the fact that I exude confidence but somehow cringe at the idea of a compliment. When someone genuinely tells me I'm beautiful I can't take it seriously. I think somehow there is a hidden camera show that I have become a part of and someone is going to hop out at any moment and say, ha...just kidding.
I want to be open to new possibilities, but the unknown scares me for the most part. I hope that I can at least explore the possibility that someone could find me that attractive. I want to give him a chance...to let him take me to dinner...or walk around the lake...I want to not revert back to the shy girl who doesn't believe someone would be interested in her, but I want to be that amazingly strong woman who knows any guy would be lucky to have her.
Ultimately, I believe that I am beautiful and that one day someone that I believe is worth my time will step up to the plate and be the man I've always imagined I'd be with. I know, without a doubt, that I deserve to be happy more than anything else...so that's what I will do. This guy is a kid who thinks he's smooth...but the truth is...I'm too old for lines that the younger me would have fallen for. I want realism, not romance. I want to be swept off my feet by someone who I can be real with...that is what I find to be something worth waiting for.
I don't know how to explain the fact that I exude confidence but somehow cringe at the idea of a compliment. When someone genuinely tells me I'm beautiful I can't take it seriously. I think somehow there is a hidden camera show that I have become a part of and someone is going to hop out at any moment and say, ha...just kidding.
I want to be open to new possibilities, but the unknown scares me for the most part. I hope that I can at least explore the possibility that someone could find me that attractive. I want to give him a chance...to let him take me to dinner...or walk around the lake...I want to not revert back to the shy girl who doesn't believe someone would be interested in her, but I want to be that amazingly strong woman who knows any guy would be lucky to have her.
Ultimately, I believe that I am beautiful and that one day someone that I believe is worth my time will step up to the plate and be the man I've always imagined I'd be with. I know, without a doubt, that I deserve to be happy more than anything else...so that's what I will do. This guy is a kid who thinks he's smooth...but the truth is...I'm too old for lines that the younger me would have fallen for. I want realism, not romance. I want to be swept off my feet by someone who I can be real with...that is what I find to be something worth waiting for.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Analogy
One thing I would like to do this year is find a church that I want to attend regularly. It's been such a long time since I felt at home in a church. I was thinking about it tonight and feel that I have come up with the perfect analogy for how I feel about church/ministry right now.
I would equate the way I feel about ministry to that of an injured athlete. Let's say, for example, that I had been a star soccer player, one of the best on the team (I'm not saying I was one of the best Christians out there, but I was heavily involved in ministry), and then I suffered a severe injury that left me unable to play the game I love. Even after physical therapy, I am not the same athlete as I was before, and there are times that I don't feel like trying because I don't feel as though I will ever be good enough again.
I constantly feel this way when it comes to my spiritual walk. I have been hurt. I am bitter and angry and feel meanness in my heart towards people. I don't want to feel this way, but I don't know how to get up off the bench and try again. Even if I'm not the same player, at least I'm in the game, right? I don't want to get burnt again.
Funny thought I just had...I have this guy in my life, and I keep going back to him, knowing that in the end I'm going to get hurt again...so why is it I'm willing to keep letting him break my heart, but I'm not willing to let the church hurt me again? Maybe it's because I feel like those are the people who should love me no matter what...I don't really know. What I do know is that I have been injured and I just can't seem to bring myself back around to even a fraction of the desire I used to have to play the game.
I need to get out of this and get back on track, but I honestly don't know if I can.
I would equate the way I feel about ministry to that of an injured athlete. Let's say, for example, that I had been a star soccer player, one of the best on the team (I'm not saying I was one of the best Christians out there, but I was heavily involved in ministry), and then I suffered a severe injury that left me unable to play the game I love. Even after physical therapy, I am not the same athlete as I was before, and there are times that I don't feel like trying because I don't feel as though I will ever be good enough again.
I constantly feel this way when it comes to my spiritual walk. I have been hurt. I am bitter and angry and feel meanness in my heart towards people. I don't want to feel this way, but I don't know how to get up off the bench and try again. Even if I'm not the same player, at least I'm in the game, right? I don't want to get burnt again.
Funny thought I just had...I have this guy in my life, and I keep going back to him, knowing that in the end I'm going to get hurt again...so why is it I'm willing to keep letting him break my heart, but I'm not willing to let the church hurt me again? Maybe it's because I feel like those are the people who should love me no matter what...I don't really know. What I do know is that I have been injured and I just can't seem to bring myself back around to even a fraction of the desire I used to have to play the game.
I need to get out of this and get back on track, but I honestly don't know if I can.
Monday, January 02, 2012
Messed Up In the Head
So, over the last week I have been exceptionally clingy. I enjoy having a conversation every now and then but I generally don't feel the need to talk to the person all day, every day. For some reason though, I've been on a texting rampage and can't seem to back off. I don't know if the people I'm texting are annoyed, but I know I'm getting on my own nerves :-/ It's been slightly more than ridiculous, so last night, I laid in bed and thought about it.
Why in the world do I suddenly feel this need to be wanted? Then it hit me. It was like this gigantic light went off in my head. My best guy friend is no longer my best guy friend. He was the guy I could get the male perspective from, and then, all of the sudden, he was out of my life. He even deleted me from Facebook, or at least he hasn't added me back since I alerted him to the fact that we aren't friends anymore.
He has a new girlfriend. And I guess I understand that means things have changed and that somehow we can never be the friends that we once were...but it sucks and it has completely messed me up in the head. So...that is why this last week I have felt desperate to have the connection of best guy friend, and why I have completely driven myself, and probably others, crazy. I don't like being needy, because I like to consider myself a rather self-sufficient person. I need to let go of this and to let myself realize that not having that connection for right now is going to be ok.
I can survive without it, but I hope with all my heart that God sends someone my way who will fill that gap. I need that connection. So, if you were one of those that I drove crazy (and there's really only one person that this possibly effected) I sincerely apologize.
Why in the world do I suddenly feel this need to be wanted? Then it hit me. It was like this gigantic light went off in my head. My best guy friend is no longer my best guy friend. He was the guy I could get the male perspective from, and then, all of the sudden, he was out of my life. He even deleted me from Facebook, or at least he hasn't added me back since I alerted him to the fact that we aren't friends anymore.
He has a new girlfriend. And I guess I understand that means things have changed and that somehow we can never be the friends that we once were...but it sucks and it has completely messed me up in the head. So...that is why this last week I have felt desperate to have the connection of best guy friend, and why I have completely driven myself, and probably others, crazy. I don't like being needy, because I like to consider myself a rather self-sufficient person. I need to let go of this and to let myself realize that not having that connection for right now is going to be ok.
I can survive without it, but I hope with all my heart that God sends someone my way who will fill that gap. I need that connection. So, if you were one of those that I drove crazy (and there's really only one person that this possibly effected) I sincerely apologize.
Sunday, January 01, 2012
Living My Life Through Someone Else's Eyes
Today I was having a conversation with my cousin, and she said, "I think it's good that you don't care what anybody else thinks" and I told her that "I wished that I never cared about what people think...but sometimes I do" and she said..."You don't act like it." What I love the most about this conversation is that I generally feel like I care what people think too much. How amazing it is to think about what other people think when they look at you and watch you life.
I thought about how she must see me and I realized that I am not like most people my age. I have different priorities and a different idea of what fun is.This, of course, tends to leave me lonely most of the time. I have tons of friends, but I don't have a group of friends that I can hang out with and who enjoy doing the same things that I do. I try to step out of my bubble of what I consider "my world" and try to explore others' but I always find myself going right back to where I know I belong.
I told one of my closest friends that I wanted to get dressed up and go out to bring in the new year. We were VIP at a club in downtown St. Pete. It was my first time to ever step foot into a club. I had fun. We danced a lot and laughed a lot, but most everyone there was drunk, they were dancing all up on each other (I stayed in a group with a few girls and we were even dancing pretty close). And there was a moment when I stood there and thought, I don't want this to be my life. I don't want to go to clubs and get wasted. There has to be more to life than that. I don't feel like this makes me a stick in the mud, I think it just means that, again, I have different priorities and a different definition of fun.
My cousin seems to think that this means I don't care about what others think, and I guess to some extent she's correct, but more than anything, last night taught me something about myself. I learned that I know myself better than I give myself credit for. I am 30 years old and I've never been to a club for a reason. I knew, even before I was there, that it wasn't my scene. Like I said, I had a blast, but I probably would have had just as much fun, at home, with my parents and in bed by 12:01.
I look forward to all that this year has in store and I can't wait to see where my life is headed and where I will end up. 2012 is my year of possibilities and I am open to all that comes my way. I hope that I can also live my life so that I don't base my decisions on what others think...
I thought about how she must see me and I realized that I am not like most people my age. I have different priorities and a different idea of what fun is.This, of course, tends to leave me lonely most of the time. I have tons of friends, but I don't have a group of friends that I can hang out with and who enjoy doing the same things that I do. I try to step out of my bubble of what I consider "my world" and try to explore others' but I always find myself going right back to where I know I belong.
I told one of my closest friends that I wanted to get dressed up and go out to bring in the new year. We were VIP at a club in downtown St. Pete. It was my first time to ever step foot into a club. I had fun. We danced a lot and laughed a lot, but most everyone there was drunk, they were dancing all up on each other (I stayed in a group with a few girls and we were even dancing pretty close). And there was a moment when I stood there and thought, I don't want this to be my life. I don't want to go to clubs and get wasted. There has to be more to life than that. I don't feel like this makes me a stick in the mud, I think it just means that, again, I have different priorities and a different definition of fun.
My cousin seems to think that this means I don't care about what others think, and I guess to some extent she's correct, but more than anything, last night taught me something about myself. I learned that I know myself better than I give myself credit for. I am 30 years old and I've never been to a club for a reason. I knew, even before I was there, that it wasn't my scene. Like I said, I had a blast, but I probably would have had just as much fun, at home, with my parents and in bed by 12:01.
I look forward to all that this year has in store and I can't wait to see where my life is headed and where I will end up. 2012 is my year of possibilities and I am open to all that comes my way. I hope that I can also live my life so that I don't base my decisions on what others think...
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
One of My Favorite Poems
"Carnal Cerebral Love" by Denise Castellucci
Carnal Cerebral Love
I want to make love
to your mind
Stimulate me
with your intellect,
your insight and understanding.
Ignite me
with random connections
and your clever wit.
Carnal Cerebral Love
I want to make love
to your inner being.
Allow me to delight
in your orgasmic
dynamic mind.
Open up and invite me
into the deep warmth of your soul.
Carnal Cerebral Love
Let our synapses dance
entangle and connect
at the same plateau.
Complete each others sentences,
not our lives.
Carnal Cerebral Love
Our physical being
Our external egos
decay daily and by the moment
only our inner selves intact
The essentials of life
which are often ignored
are honored here
Carnal Cerebral Love
I want to make love
to your mind
Stimulate me
with your intellect,
your insight and understanding.
Ignite me
with random connections
and your clever wit.
Carnal Cerebral Love
I want to make love
to your inner being.
Allow me to delight
in your orgasmic
dynamic mind.
Open up and invite me
into the deep warmth of your soul.
Carnal Cerebral Love
Let our synapses dance
entangle and connect
at the same plateau.
Complete each others sentences,
not our lives.
Carnal Cerebral Love
Our physical being
Our external egos
decay daily and by the moment
only our inner selves intact
The essentials of life
which are often ignored
are honored here
Monday, December 26, 2011
What I'm Excited About in 2012
2012 holds possibility! This last year was my year of clarity. I figured out where I want to go in life, and I started to take the steps necessary to get there. In the coming year, my goals are to love myself more, to let go of the people who are holding me back, take advantage of every second I have this year, do something unforgettable, and feel good naked (whatever that may mean).
I have no desire to change who I am. I love everything about myself, but there is so much that I want to accomplish this next year. I am looking forward to the possibility of London in June, and my PhD applications. I want to take more time for me and I want to truly connect to at least one person in 2012. This year I found one of my best friends, and our connection is uncanny. I believe there are other people out there who I can find the same type of connection with.
I want to write more this year. Maybe actually get a manuscript completed. I think the thing I am looking forward to in the next year is the idea of getting closer to the goals that clarity brought me this year.
I can't wait to see what all is going to happen, but I also cannot wait to share my moments...good and bad with you. This is going to be another amazing year.
I have no desire to change who I am. I love everything about myself, but there is so much that I want to accomplish this next year. I am looking forward to the possibility of London in June, and my PhD applications. I want to take more time for me and I want to truly connect to at least one person in 2012. This year I found one of my best friends, and our connection is uncanny. I believe there are other people out there who I can find the same type of connection with.
I want to write more this year. Maybe actually get a manuscript completed. I think the thing I am looking forward to in the next year is the idea of getting closer to the goals that clarity brought me this year.
I can't wait to see what all is going to happen, but I also cannot wait to share my moments...good and bad with you. This is going to be another amazing year.
Thursday, December 08, 2011
This Bitterness is Destroying My Soul
I feel as though I am in the process of a serious meltdown. The anxiety that is overwhelming me has taken over and left room for very little else. I know that we are to be anxious in nothing, but with prayer and petition take it to God...but this bitterness is keeping me from doing much. I am angry at so many things...and even people. This is not who I am and it bothers me that I feel this way.
I am bitter that people have treated the ones I love poorly and that no one seems to really care. And they were treated poorly by people who should never do that. How can you tell people to love and to be kind when you aren't practicing what you preach. I have a hard time with this and it is honestly why I can't seem to bring myself to sit in any church. How can I? I know people are flawed, and God is not, but this is so hard for me. I am mad and want to say mean and hateful things...and that's not who I am...and that is what bothers me. I know that this effects me more so than others...because these people are important me. They are my family and my closest friends and yet I want to be cruel to those who were cruel to the ones I love. If I did that to their loved ones...it would never go over well. I am so, so mad...and I just want to get over it. I'm ready to move on...but I don't know how.
I am bitter at guys for treating me like I am less than a person. I am bitter that they can find someone...and I can't. I am tired of caring about it. When I hear they are with someone it hurts...and I don't even want to be with them. I know that it's not the person themselves...but the idea that they can so quickly find someone new...like they just fall into their lap...and I myself have no options...not even bad ones.
I am bitter that my brother and sister are both married and living their lives. I love their spouses...and I wouldn't trade them for the world. But sometimes I feel like that stupid 20 year old who was upset that her sister could get a dog, but that stupid 20 year old couldn't get a cat. I don't know how to move past this, but I know I have to.
Writing always makes me feel better. I am never perfect...and rarely close to it...but I know that I have to make the steps towards the healing process. I don't want these things to change me. I want to continue to love with everything I have. I want to be the best version of myself that I can be. I am in love with who I am and I just want to be happy again...it's been too long :'(
I am bitter that people have treated the ones I love poorly and that no one seems to really care. And they were treated poorly by people who should never do that. How can you tell people to love and to be kind when you aren't practicing what you preach. I have a hard time with this and it is honestly why I can't seem to bring myself to sit in any church. How can I? I know people are flawed, and God is not, but this is so hard for me. I am mad and want to say mean and hateful things...and that's not who I am...and that is what bothers me. I know that this effects me more so than others...because these people are important me. They are my family and my closest friends and yet I want to be cruel to those who were cruel to the ones I love. If I did that to their loved ones...it would never go over well. I am so, so mad...and I just want to get over it. I'm ready to move on...but I don't know how.
I am bitter at guys for treating me like I am less than a person. I am bitter that they can find someone...and I can't. I am tired of caring about it. When I hear they are with someone it hurts...and I don't even want to be with them. I know that it's not the person themselves...but the idea that they can so quickly find someone new...like they just fall into their lap...and I myself have no options...not even bad ones.
I am bitter that my brother and sister are both married and living their lives. I love their spouses...and I wouldn't trade them for the world. But sometimes I feel like that stupid 20 year old who was upset that her sister could get a dog, but that stupid 20 year old couldn't get a cat. I don't know how to move past this, but I know I have to.
Writing always makes me feel better. I am never perfect...and rarely close to it...but I know that I have to make the steps towards the healing process. I don't want these things to change me. I want to continue to love with everything I have. I want to be the best version of myself that I can be. I am in love with who I am and I just want to be happy again...it's been too long :'(
Tuesday, December 06, 2011
Lonely
For as long as I can remember I have been an outsider pretending to be on the inside. When I was in college I knew everyone and everyone knew me. I had those who would come to my house on Thursday nights...and the people I spent time with when I was at school, but when it came down to it, I didn't belong to a circle of friends. I was the friend everyone knew and no one cared to invite to be a part of their inner circle. I was excluded, not on purpose...but still. The moment that I knew how lonely I really was happened on a City Walk night. We got there, and I came with 30 plus people...but I ate dinner alone and I went to the movie alone...and I sat there thinking...I'm alone.
It's hard to not belong. You see the same people doing everything together and you wonder to yourself, why don't they invite me to hang out with them? Is there something wrong with me? Don't misunderstand...I have a great many friends, but I don't have that group of friends that I can count on to be there for me and to spend time with on a regular basis.
Part of my loneliness stems from the fact that the majority of my friends are married, or a great deal younger than me. This means that they have different priorities...which I can completely appreciate and understand. I guess...I am just ready to have that group of friends that I do get time with on a regular basis. I haven't had for so long that I almost don't remember what it was like to have it in the first place.
The last few days have been horrible. My sister moved to Chicago with her husband a couple of weeks ago, and that has made the fact that my brother and his wife are in South Carolina even more apparent. I feel like everyone else has moved on and I am just stuck. They have started their lives and I know I'm currently working towards where I want mine to go...but because I'm not there I feel so alone.
My lack of my help mate is hard to bear at time as well. I still don't understand why some people get to have it and I don't. Did I do something horrible? Is it just not meant for me to have that? I look at other people who are older than me who have never found the right guy and I think...will that be me? I don't know why I have to go through this right now...it sucks greatly. I feel so alone. I am having a very hard time right ow and feel like there's no one to tell.
I told someone the other night...I would never try to kill myself again...but that doesn't keep me from sometimes wishing that I didn't have to do this. Life sucks right now..but I will get through it...and it will get better. It has to...right? :)
It's hard to not belong. You see the same people doing everything together and you wonder to yourself, why don't they invite me to hang out with them? Is there something wrong with me? Don't misunderstand...I have a great many friends, but I don't have that group of friends that I can count on to be there for me and to spend time with on a regular basis.
Part of my loneliness stems from the fact that the majority of my friends are married, or a great deal younger than me. This means that they have different priorities...which I can completely appreciate and understand. I guess...I am just ready to have that group of friends that I do get time with on a regular basis. I haven't had for so long that I almost don't remember what it was like to have it in the first place.
The last few days have been horrible. My sister moved to Chicago with her husband a couple of weeks ago, and that has made the fact that my brother and his wife are in South Carolina even more apparent. I feel like everyone else has moved on and I am just stuck. They have started their lives and I know I'm currently working towards where I want mine to go...but because I'm not there I feel so alone.
My lack of my help mate is hard to bear at time as well. I still don't understand why some people get to have it and I don't. Did I do something horrible? Is it just not meant for me to have that? I look at other people who are older than me who have never found the right guy and I think...will that be me? I don't know why I have to go through this right now...it sucks greatly. I feel so alone. I am having a very hard time right ow and feel like there's no one to tell.
I told someone the other night...I would never try to kill myself again...but that doesn't keep me from sometimes wishing that I didn't have to do this. Life sucks right now..but I will get through it...and it will get better. It has to...right? :)
Thursday, December 01, 2011
Worthy?
For anyone who has been keeping track...I don't have much luck in the relationship department...I tend to like guys who do absolutely nothing for my self-esteem. The last guy that I really liked was a complete moron in knowing how to treat me. Yet, I continued to put myself in the same situations. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I suppose I had reached some form of insanity when it came to him. He even told me that he was willing to help me change who I am so that I can meet the right guy. Funny thing...I kind of like who I am.
The other day...a guy who I considered to be my best guy friend told me I deserved more. I agreed. Then he asked me if I was worthy of what I deserved. I knew exactly what he meant. I stopped going to church a long time because of bitterness and hurt...and I just stopped caring. I felt that he was being judgmental...and then he said he wasn't. Then...after knowing that he hasn't walked the super straight and narrow recently either...he tells me he has a girlfriend. I think the thing that made me upset was what had made him all of the sudden "worthy" of this girl, and what made me NOT "worthy" of the right guy? I will not argue that I have a long way to go when it comes to rebuilding my relationship with God (I mean, this blog is all about my own judgement and bitterness...both of which work against the goal of right relationship)...but how dare you tell me that I am not worthy, when you aren't any more so than myself.
It made me mad. It hurt me.
I don't know...this is just my place to rant...my place to talk because I have no one else to talk to. So there it is...a rant.
The other day...a guy who I considered to be my best guy friend told me I deserved more. I agreed. Then he asked me if I was worthy of what I deserved. I knew exactly what he meant. I stopped going to church a long time because of bitterness and hurt...and I just stopped caring. I felt that he was being judgmental...and then he said he wasn't. Then...after knowing that he hasn't walked the super straight and narrow recently either...he tells me he has a girlfriend. I think the thing that made me upset was what had made him all of the sudden "worthy" of this girl, and what made me NOT "worthy" of the right guy? I will not argue that I have a long way to go when it comes to rebuilding my relationship with God (I mean, this blog is all about my own judgement and bitterness...both of which work against the goal of right relationship)...but how dare you tell me that I am not worthy, when you aren't any more so than myself.
It made me mad. It hurt me.
I don't know...this is just my place to rant...my place to talk because I have no one else to talk to. So there it is...a rant.
Saturday, October 08, 2011
One is a Lonely Number
I posted as a status the other day that sometimes I still feel like the last one picked for kickball. I am amazed at how lonely I get sometimes, and how lonely I truly am. People seem to like me, but they don't really want to hang out with me. Now, don't get me wrong...I have friends that spend time with me, but I often feel excluded from things. It was the same way in college. I had tons of friends, and most everyone knew who I was, even if for nothing else than the fact that I did announcements in chapel twice a week, but I wasn't included in activities because I wasn't part of their inner circle.
This weekend I decided to take myself out of the equation. I turned my phone off and I didn't check my Facebook. It was kind of eye opening. I decided that Facebook has given me a false sense of importance. Somehow I think everyone wants to know everything about me, and that they care what I'm doing and that they notice when I'm away. And I only missed two text messages ALL weekend. I am constantly the one who initiates interactions between my friends. If want to talk to someone I do, but ultimately...people just don't really care that much about me. I think I said that wrong. People don't care as much about me as I think they do.
The only time I can think of when I am not truly lonely, is when I am with my cousins. I was definitely blessed with built-in friendships. It's hard to live so far from them and not be a part of their daily or, at least, weekly lives. They have been my best friends for the last 26+ years and it's hard when I don't have them around. Beyond my cousins and my siblings though, it's always been hard for me to establish connections. I am a people person. I work in a job where I have to have excellent people skills, but socially, I have a hard time making myself get out there and get connected. I don't know why I struggle so much with this, but it is making things difficult for me lately. I am hoping that soon I can break out of this, but ultimately I believe that it has to do with my environment.
I need a change of scenery and I need it to happen soon. I feel like I am slowly suffocating and I am ready to break out of it and move on to the next thing. So here's hoping it comes sooner than later, because I don't know how much more of this loneliness I can handle.
This weekend I decided to take myself out of the equation. I turned my phone off and I didn't check my Facebook. It was kind of eye opening. I decided that Facebook has given me a false sense of importance. Somehow I think everyone wants to know everything about me, and that they care what I'm doing and that they notice when I'm away. And I only missed two text messages ALL weekend. I am constantly the one who initiates interactions between my friends. If want to talk to someone I do, but ultimately...people just don't really care that much about me. I think I said that wrong. People don't care as much about me as I think they do.
The only time I can think of when I am not truly lonely, is when I am with my cousins. I was definitely blessed with built-in friendships. It's hard to live so far from them and not be a part of their daily or, at least, weekly lives. They have been my best friends for the last 26+ years and it's hard when I don't have them around. Beyond my cousins and my siblings though, it's always been hard for me to establish connections. I am a people person. I work in a job where I have to have excellent people skills, but socially, I have a hard time making myself get out there and get connected. I don't know why I struggle so much with this, but it is making things difficult for me lately. I am hoping that soon I can break out of this, but ultimately I believe that it has to do with my environment.
I need a change of scenery and I need it to happen soon. I feel like I am slowly suffocating and I am ready to break out of it and move on to the next thing. So here's hoping it comes sooner than later, because I don't know how much more of this loneliness I can handle.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
I Thought I Was Stronger
I do not have a boyfriend on purpose. There is good reason in why I stay single, and that mostly has to do with the fact that I don't like to hurt. My relationships have been few and far between, and I have not had much luck when it comes to guys.
When I was younger I dreamed of getting married when I was 18 (I know! Who knew 18 was so young when you're 10?!?!?!). Then I got into college and thought, this is where I will find the love of my life, get married and have tons of little me's. When that didn't happen, I felt stuck. I didn't know where to go with my life, because everything I had planned on wasn't coming true. I thought for the longest time that there must be something wrong with me and that nobody would ever want to be with me.
I remember when I was in middle school and all of my friends had "boyfriends" and I thought I was missing out on something. Then I got into high school and thought that guys would never like a girl who was fat, because I knew I was fat. I was "one of the guys" and had TONS of friends who were guys...but I never felt like guys could ever really like me as more than that.
When I moved to Florida I met this guy who I thought was amazing. He swept me off my feet. Knew all of the right things to say. Made me believe that this was it. He was the one. I just knew it! Turned out he was far from that, for which I am extremely grateful. He's a decent guy who has an amazing family, it just wasn't meant to be and I thank God that He knew that more than we did.
The entire time I was in college I didn't date one guy. I liked a lot of guys. I had crushes. There were some I just knew I was destined to marry. Alas, that was not the case. I stood at the end of my time in college with a degree, amazing friendships, and my single status. There were many tears shed and a lot of heartache with not understanding why God would leave me by myself when everyone else seemed to be finding their stride and taking off.
After college I dated this one guy who was more or less a stopgap. I needed someone to make me feel wanted, and he met that need. It didn't last long. Three months maybe. After that I was fine being single. That "fineness" didn't last long though.
If you look back through my blog you notice a trend of times of contentment and times of loneliness. There are so many books out there about how to be happy being single, and how to find the right man...I think that if I were to write a book like that, it would be titled "It's ok if you think being single sucks". I don't know who decided that it wasn't ok to be a tad bitter/jealous/upset about the fact that other people find someone sooner than you. I am completely happy for all of my friends out there who have met the right one and have started their families. I know that right now there is so much that I am doing that I couldn't do if I had those responsibilities, but that doesn't mean that from time to time it doesn't hurt a little. That doesn't mean that from time to time I don't wish I had someone who was mine.
In the last few years I feel like I have rotated between harmless flirtations to serious heart-wrenching could-have-been love. I don't work well with other people. I have been single for so long that I don't quite know how to be anything but single. When I am in a relationship, of any kind really, I give it my all. If I don't feel like the other person is giving as much as I am, then I feel alone and why be alone with someone, when I can be alone by myself?
There are days when I feel like I am ready to share my life with someone. Like, somehow, I can make it work. That I could love someone with everything. That I could be a little less selfish. That I could make someone happy. I think that's the thing about it. I know that if I could find the right guy, he would never have worry about my love. I am going to make some man very happy.
I thought I was stronger than this. I put on my game face and pretend that things are fine, but I am hurting inside and I don't want anyone to know it. Of course, I'm writing this and if you're reading this, you now know it. Small flaw in my plan.
I will make it past this and I will be fine. I know this, because I've done it before. I think each time I do get a little stronger, but that never makes it easier.
After college I dated this one guy who was more or less a stopgap. I needed someone to make me feel wanted, and he met that need. It didn't last long. Three months maybe. After that I was fine being single. That "fineness" didn't last long though.
If you look back through my blog you notice a trend of times of contentment and times of loneliness. There are so many books out there about how to be happy being single, and how to find the right man...I think that if I were to write a book like that, it would be titled "It's ok if you think being single sucks". I don't know who decided that it wasn't ok to be a tad bitter/jealous/upset about the fact that other people find someone sooner than you. I am completely happy for all of my friends out there who have met the right one and have started their families. I know that right now there is so much that I am doing that I couldn't do if I had those responsibilities, but that doesn't mean that from time to time it doesn't hurt a little. That doesn't mean that from time to time I don't wish I had someone who was mine.
In the last few years I feel like I have rotated between harmless flirtations to serious heart-wrenching could-have-been love. I don't work well with other people. I have been single for so long that I don't quite know how to be anything but single. When I am in a relationship, of any kind really, I give it my all. If I don't feel like the other person is giving as much as I am, then I feel alone and why be alone with someone, when I can be alone by myself?
There are days when I feel like I am ready to share my life with someone. Like, somehow, I can make it work. That I could love someone with everything. That I could be a little less selfish. That I could make someone happy. I think that's the thing about it. I know that if I could find the right guy, he would never have worry about my love. I am going to make some man very happy.
I thought I was stronger than this. I put on my game face and pretend that things are fine, but I am hurting inside and I don't want anyone to know it. Of course, I'm writing this and if you're reading this, you now know it. Small flaw in my plan.
I will make it past this and I will be fine. I know this, because I've done it before. I think each time I do get a little stronger, but that never makes it easier.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Things That Make Me Smile
http://imterriblyawkwardwithboys.tumblr.com/
I just can't help myself. These two are brilliant! Make me smile and I'll love you forever!
I just can't help myself. These two are brilliant! Make me smile and I'll love you forever!
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Get a Room...or at Least an Inbox!
We, as human beings, desire a connection. We want to feel as though we belong to something. This is why social networking is so popular because it gives us this sense that we are connected to people and that we belong to something bigger than ourselves. This is of course false. Social networking only makes us FEEL like we're connected, but it doesn't actually connect us to people. This is not a Facebook bash. If anyone knows me, they know I spend a good amount of time on Facebook, especially during my slow times of the year, but that doesn't mean that I feel connected to the people I am friends with on there.
I have over 800 friends on my Facebook, but out of those 800 "friends" I rarely ever talk to more than twenty to thirty on a regular basis. There are some that I have never posted on their wall and they have never posted on mine. There are others who I haven't seen in years and who I may never see again. It amazes me sometimes the people who send me requests. One of my friends posted yesterday, "Why do people send you friend requests if you never talk". I said it's because we are all secret stalkers. Seriously though, it is this deep sense of needing to feel connected that causes us to expand our "friends" list.
Sometimes I feel like my Facebook is an ever changing yearbook. I do love keeping up with the people I went to college with and see where their lives have taken them, to see their ever growing families, and to see the amazing things that they are up to. Whether or not I "talk" to them on a regular basis has little to do with why I have them added on Facebook. I like to know that I am not the only one of my friends who loves the beach, or gets sad when they watch a certain movie, or that I'm not the only person my age who still hasn't found the love of their life. I do feel as though it's about the bigger picture, about not wanting to be alone in this world and taking anything we can get, even if it is only interaction with a screen.
All of that being said, I do wish that people would spend more time with me outside of that little world we've created on the www. Alas, it does not happen as often as I'd like. I try to stay truly connected as much as I can, but it's difficult.
As far as the title of this blog is concerned...well...just because we are "connected" doesn't mean I want to see all of the cute mushiness that comes along with being a Facebook couple. Seriously, it's sickening. Ok...some of it's kind of sweet, but there are days (and I'm going to assume that I'm having one now) that I look at that stuff and think, really, really, you are going to put all of that saccharin laced verbiage out there for the world to see. End rant? I guess I will, for today, end my rant and let go of the fact that although I complain about the sweetness, if I were being totally honest, it is because I am jealous. But, shh, don't tell anyone.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
My Tendency to Overthink
I think that my tendency to overthink has something to do with the fact that I am a female. I am not sure if the male brain is programmed to overthink, but I know that I do it on a regular basis. And this isn't even in reference to my dealings with the opposite sex, although I will touch on this in a little bit...I am talking about over analyzing every little thing in life.
Let's take for example, a recent interaction with a close friend. All of the sudden she had disappeared. She was no longer my friend on Facebook, so I did a search for her and couldn't find her anywhere...so I wasn't the only one who no longer had her as a friend. So I tried to text her and she didn't answer. All of the sudden, all I could think was, what did I do wrong? I was devastated really. I couldn't imagine what I could have done that would have made her not want to talk to me anymore. Well today, I got a note from her on my desk at work. She had stopped by and said we had tons to catch up on and that she was having her phone turned back on Thursday. I felt so incredibly silly, but this is how my brain works.
I would love to be nonchalant about everything, but that is not how I am programmed. Most days I pretend that it doesn't rip my heart out that people I once considered my best friends no longer have time for me. I have had to push them out of my head because it hurts really bad and cuts pretty deep. I have a rough exterior...I consider it my greatest form of self-defense. But on the interior...I'm soft as mush. I would imagine I'm very similar to a turtle. I have a tough shell that protects me from the great big, ugly world, but without that shell I wouldn't last very long. I am the same way. I have that rough exterior because I know without it I wouldn't survive.
I generally don't let many people past that rough exterior (most people probably think they are, but that's the brilliance in my design). I have been hurt too many times to let people do it again, which is why I have to push these people to the side. I just got tired of making people a priority when I was only an option for them (I know...not very original). I'm better than that though, really. I deserve to have people in my life who want to spend time with me (what a crazy concept). So...I suck it up and climb back into my shell and let these things pass by me knowing that I can easily get to the other side.
So much for not overthinking things...
Now...when it comes to the opposite sex. I have decided that they are simpler than we make them...so I don't spend as much of my energy trying to figure them out. The key to not overthinking is to not think at all. I believe I will leave you with that jewel and let you ponder it's supreme genius.
Let's take for example, a recent interaction with a close friend. All of the sudden she had disappeared. She was no longer my friend on Facebook, so I did a search for her and couldn't find her anywhere...so I wasn't the only one who no longer had her as a friend. So I tried to text her and she didn't answer. All of the sudden, all I could think was, what did I do wrong? I was devastated really. I couldn't imagine what I could have done that would have made her not want to talk to me anymore. Well today, I got a note from her on my desk at work. She had stopped by and said we had tons to catch up on and that she was having her phone turned back on Thursday. I felt so incredibly silly, but this is how my brain works.
I would love to be nonchalant about everything, but that is not how I am programmed. Most days I pretend that it doesn't rip my heart out that people I once considered my best friends no longer have time for me. I have had to push them out of my head because it hurts really bad and cuts pretty deep. I have a rough exterior...I consider it my greatest form of self-defense. But on the interior...I'm soft as mush. I would imagine I'm very similar to a turtle. I have a tough shell that protects me from the great big, ugly world, but without that shell I wouldn't last very long. I am the same way. I have that rough exterior because I know without it I wouldn't survive.
I generally don't let many people past that rough exterior (most people probably think they are, but that's the brilliance in my design). I have been hurt too many times to let people do it again, which is why I have to push these people to the side. I just got tired of making people a priority when I was only an option for them (I know...not very original). I'm better than that though, really. I deserve to have people in my life who want to spend time with me (what a crazy concept). So...I suck it up and climb back into my shell and let these things pass by me knowing that I can easily get to the other side.
So much for not overthinking things...
Now...when it comes to the opposite sex. I have decided that they are simpler than we make them...so I don't spend as much of my energy trying to figure them out. The key to not overthinking is to not think at all. I believe I will leave you with that jewel and let you ponder it's supreme genius.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)