The last two weeks have been about me learning to forgive. It's not an easy thing to do. When we are hurt we like to hold on to it. I know that I've been holding on to the hurt, mostly so that I would continue to feel the pain. I believed that if I stopped hurting then I would remember all of the good stuff, and that I would only open myself up to hurt again.
It's funny how God revealed to me that the only thing I've been doing, is hurting myself. Holding on to pain, only allows you to hurt and to grow only in anger and bitterness. I have felt true hatred once in my life, and I have been on the verge of feeling it again. I refuse to let the enemy win this one. I am stronger than this and I will stand firm on the foundation of Christ in my life.
When you find out that people have been spreading lies about you, you tend to want everyone to know the truth. I have learned these last two weeks, that everyone else doesn't matter. I know that I can stand before God with a clear conscience and I know the truth and He knows the truth, and those are the ONLY two that matter.
I am tired of trying to clean up the mess that other people have left behind. I have to worry about me. People can and will choose to believe whatever they want about a person. I can't change that. All I can do is live the best that I can, and what everyone else thinks of me is their business. I am a woman of God. I love Him more than anything else, and if I have gotten anything out of all that I've been through, it is that I must grow closer to Him. He is the only one that will be with me through it all. I can ALWAYS count on Him.
I have been blessed with some amazing friends. If I had not had you all these last few weeks, I would not have made it. That being said, I need to ask your forgiveness. Through my pain I was not fair to the one who inflicted it. I have come to learn that all that I have been through has been a spiritual battle. I refuse to be mad at the person, instead I am mad at satan, and I would ask you to join me in that battle. I will not allow him to tear apart relationships. And that is what this has all been about.
I've messed up. I've done things I'm not proud of. I have looked down the barrel of a gun and realized I wasn't ready to see what was going to be on the other side. I have much left to learn. I cannot judge anyone. The plank in my eye, it's still there.
If anyone who reads this has been hurt by me, I am so sorry. I try to live the best I can, but there are times when I mess up. I would have to walk away when Jesus bent down and began to write in that sand. I would have been Peter.
I know that God has something amazing up ahead. If He didn't, satan wouldn't be trying so hard to discourage me. Alas, I will one up the enemy. I will stand strong and I will press on. I refuse to let him win, because the fact is, in the end, he doesn't!
I choose today to win NOW! I will not wait until the end, but I will give all that I can to what God places before me. Today, I will be a mighty woman of God.
I love you all so much and I hope you know who I am, and that if there is ever any doubt about it, you will come to me and let me know. I can't keep trying to right the wrongs. I can only be me. God is in control from now on.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Friday, February 15, 2008
Taking Myself Out of the Game
I have been so happy this year! My life has been going amazingly well and I have had nothing to complain about. I'm still doing great. I love my life. I love my job. I have an amazing family and wonderful friends! Even when life is amazing, there are things that happen, lessons we learn, that make us stop and think.
This last weekend was a learning experience for me. I don't even know what to say about it. I have been playing the "game" for a long time. I have flirted and I have dated. I have kissed and cuddled. I have agonized over what to wear or when I would next see the object of my affection. I have been in this game for far too long. The problem with this game is that there is usually no clear cut winner. Some of us win short term affection, others win in ways that devastate the other party involved, and still others lose in all manners of speaking.
I have never had much luck when it has come to playing the game. My most frequent adversary is love of the unrequited kind. I know that they say it is better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all, but I think I'd like to shoot the originator of this saying. I'd rather NOT go through the heartache and misery that comes with loss. Instead, I would rather sit by and watch as others play in this game. I would actually rather watch as others win the game together and finally realize that there is no reason to play, than to play myself and continue getting hurt. I am removing myself from this game. I am taking myself out.
I told Lana the other day that the guy who I end up with will have to hit me over the head and say "I love you stupid!" I am so tired of the guessing and the wondering and the being jerked around. Don't get me wrong, I still love my guy friends and I will continue to have them, but I am turning my on switch off. I can no longer be interested in anyone. My heart is too bruised at the moment to even care.
I haven't cried about all of this. I haven't let it all wash out of my system. I am numb. I feel torn and hurt, but I refuse to let myself experience any of it. Everyone keeps asking me how I'm doing and I keep saying I'm fine, that I'm stronger, and that I am now a better person. I am stronger and better for it, but I'm not fine. I'm hurting. I want to cry. I want to let the tears fall down. I want to believe that this is all going to go away and that soon I will not be hurt, I will not feel stupid, and I will not be sad that I lost in so many ways.
I think that most of all I hate that I feel guilty. I feel like this is all somehow my fault. I don't know why I do that. Why do I make myself the martyr? I hate how much this all is killing me inside. I'm putting on a brave front, but right now I am just hurting.
I will get through this. I know I will. I have to. I know that I AM a better person because of all of this, and that someday I will look back and know why I've had to go through it.
For now, I am out. I can't play anymore, because my heart might not make it through another break like this.
This last weekend was a learning experience for me. I don't even know what to say about it. I have been playing the "game" for a long time. I have flirted and I have dated. I have kissed and cuddled. I have agonized over what to wear or when I would next see the object of my affection. I have been in this game for far too long. The problem with this game is that there is usually no clear cut winner. Some of us win short term affection, others win in ways that devastate the other party involved, and still others lose in all manners of speaking.
I have never had much luck when it has come to playing the game. My most frequent adversary is love of the unrequited kind. I know that they say it is better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all, but I think I'd like to shoot the originator of this saying. I'd rather NOT go through the heartache and misery that comes with loss. Instead, I would rather sit by and watch as others play in this game. I would actually rather watch as others win the game together and finally realize that there is no reason to play, than to play myself and continue getting hurt. I am removing myself from this game. I am taking myself out.
I told Lana the other day that the guy who I end up with will have to hit me over the head and say "I love you stupid!" I am so tired of the guessing and the wondering and the being jerked around. Don't get me wrong, I still love my guy friends and I will continue to have them, but I am turning my on switch off. I can no longer be interested in anyone. My heart is too bruised at the moment to even care.
I haven't cried about all of this. I haven't let it all wash out of my system. I am numb. I feel torn and hurt, but I refuse to let myself experience any of it. Everyone keeps asking me how I'm doing and I keep saying I'm fine, that I'm stronger, and that I am now a better person. I am stronger and better for it, but I'm not fine. I'm hurting. I want to cry. I want to let the tears fall down. I want to believe that this is all going to go away and that soon I will not be hurt, I will not feel stupid, and I will not be sad that I lost in so many ways.
I think that most of all I hate that I feel guilty. I feel like this is all somehow my fault. I don't know why I do that. Why do I make myself the martyr? I hate how much this all is killing me inside. I'm putting on a brave front, but right now I am just hurting.
I will get through this. I know I will. I have to. I know that I AM a better person because of all of this, and that someday I will look back and know why I've had to go through it.
For now, I am out. I can't play anymore, because my heart might not make it through another break like this.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
It's Been Awhile
I feel as though I have written in ages. It's not that I stopped having anything to say, it's just that most of my writing comes from the pain in my life. I honestly have never been happier than I am at the time in my life, but I don't want that to be the cause of a lack of writing.
It's hard to explain this happiness, because there really is no specific reason, other than I am truly happy with where my life is. I love my job. My kids make every day interesting and they keep me on my toes. I feel like every day is a testing ground for patience. I will have to admit that I am trying to work on handling a few of their new attitude problems with a little more of that needed patience. They are young, and sometimes I forget that just because they usually act older than they are, doesn't mean that they actually are. They keep me entertained and always do little things to win me over. Tonight while Jared and Brianna played catch in the backyard, Alexa and I sat on the back steps. She wanted to give me a kiss, but did not want me to kiss her back, so we made a game of it. She covered my mouth while attempting to kiss my cheeks, but my goal was to try to kiss her back. Her giggle is so cute, and made the game even more fun. I adore that little girl. Jared is constantly impressing me with how intelligent he is. I almost used the word smart there, but realized that it didn't emphasize how much this child truly knows. Don't get me wrong, he uses words that are too big in completely wrong contexts, but he knows more about roller coasters than anyone I know. Brianna, well, she keeps me going. I swear that child is why I've lost the weight I have since living here. She is so amazing. She got to go to the Hannah Montana concert Tuesday night in Orlando. She had an unbelievable time!
Beyond work, I am just happy with who I am. I am also happy with where God is taking me. I truly believe that I have allowed myself to heal in so many ways. He and I have had many long conversations, and it has brought me to this place of happiness. I couldn't ask for more!
I don't want to write only when life has me down, I want to write because things are happening. And things are!
I leave for Colorado in ONE WEEK! I am uber excited! I love snow and I can't wait to see it. I love the cold (and hate it), so I am going to make sure to stay bundled up!
Life is good, and I just wanted to share that with everyone.
It's hard to explain this happiness, because there really is no specific reason, other than I am truly happy with where my life is. I love my job. My kids make every day interesting and they keep me on my toes. I feel like every day is a testing ground for patience. I will have to admit that I am trying to work on handling a few of their new attitude problems with a little more of that needed patience. They are young, and sometimes I forget that just because they usually act older than they are, doesn't mean that they actually are. They keep me entertained and always do little things to win me over. Tonight while Jared and Brianna played catch in the backyard, Alexa and I sat on the back steps. She wanted to give me a kiss, but did not want me to kiss her back, so we made a game of it. She covered my mouth while attempting to kiss my cheeks, but my goal was to try to kiss her back. Her giggle is so cute, and made the game even more fun. I adore that little girl. Jared is constantly impressing me with how intelligent he is. I almost used the word smart there, but realized that it didn't emphasize how much this child truly knows. Don't get me wrong, he uses words that are too big in completely wrong contexts, but he knows more about roller coasters than anyone I know. Brianna, well, she keeps me going. I swear that child is why I've lost the weight I have since living here. She is so amazing. She got to go to the Hannah Montana concert Tuesday night in Orlando. She had an unbelievable time!
Beyond work, I am just happy with who I am. I am also happy with where God is taking me. I truly believe that I have allowed myself to heal in so many ways. He and I have had many long conversations, and it has brought me to this place of happiness. I couldn't ask for more!
I don't want to write only when life has me down, I want to write because things are happening. And things are!
I leave for Colorado in ONE WEEK! I am uber excited! I love snow and I can't wait to see it. I love the cold (and hate it), so I am going to make sure to stay bundled up!
Life is good, and I just wanted to share that with everyone.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
So EMOtional
My students (or former students I should say) always tell me that I am SO Emo...and I even had a comment from a friend the other day that said I never smile. Today has been a rough day, I cried a lot. I think I've wanted to cry for several days now, but for some reason today I couldn't hold back the tears. I try so hard not be as emotional as I am, but I shouldn't have to change that part of me. It's something that makes me who I am. Mostly I cried because I felt SO very alone. It's hard to be where I am at right now, not physically speaking, because I love my house and my job, but I am at this point in my life where I really don't know where I am going.
I was talking to my dad on the phone today (well more like crying to him over the phone today)...I love my friends, but they are at such a different place than me. I asked dad why it is so hard to find a good group of Christian friends my age that aren't all married, with children, or wanting to be those things. I am completely content with being single at the moment (yes, there are days when I wish I were married and had a family, but God has another plan). I want to find like-minded people. I really don't think it should be this difficult. The fact is though, I have never found a place where I actually fit in.
Growing up I was the girl who did what she was supposed to. I hated being a girl, but I wasn't a tomboy at all! I wasn't all ga-ga over babies and boys, but I didn't want to get my hands dirty either. Most of the time I wanted to escape inside my books, there I found friends. Free-thinkers who were more concerned about life and what was going on around them than what boy was looking at them and if they thought so and so was cute. I never had a lot of friends, yet I was completely surrounded by them at the same time. I was home-schooled so I wasn't invited to anything that didn't have to do with church, or a birthday party. I was essentially alone. I even enjoyed it sometimes. I had my place in the church where I would escape to and think. Most of the time no one even saw me, and so I was free to watch people come and go, and to think. I've always been a thinker.
As I grew up I was hurt deeply and held onto the hurt. I would usually bring it up and let myself wallow in the pain of feeling unloved and unwanted. I never had a boyfriend, and I never really understood why. I thought that I must be terribly ugly. I knew that I was a good person, but part of me was locked up, hidden away.
When I moved to Florida I had to take a lot of steps out of my comfort zones. No one knew me, I had to let them get to know me. Maybe it was at that point that I felt that I fit in somewhere, maybe the only time in my life. I had Kristi. She was probably the most amazing friend I've ever had. With her, I never felt out of place, I felt that I belonged and then it was really great when we started doing tons of stuff with Megan and Aundrea. We had SO much fun. Things changed...mostly things out of our control...
I started college and became super active in so many things. I think again, I was desperately searching for a place to fit. Instead, I ended up stretching myself too thin. I don't mean in a sense that I couldn't accomplish everything, just in a way that I had so many friends in different areas that I never really fit in to just one. This might sound like a good thing, but when you don't JUST fit in with a specific group of people, they tend to forget to call and invite you places. Instead of fitting in, I generally found my way through college with great friends and my only social activities being the ones I planned for the entire school body.
I moved back to Kentucky, and while I will NEVER feel out of place with my family, it was still hard. The whole "You can't go back home" thing, well...that's where I was.
Once I came back to Florida I finally felt like I belonged somewhere...BARTOW!!! I know that some day I will find my way back to that place. I want to grow old there. I want to die there. I want to do a lot more than just that, but you get what I'm saying. Yet, even though that is where I consider home, I was still the girl who was too old, too young or just too single to feel like I fit anywhere. I feel like the world is a fish bowl, and I get to interact with the fishies, but...ultimately...I am just an outsider looking in.
Sometimes I think this whole thing should be easier. I should be able to fit somewhere. I should be able to breathe and relax, knowing that tomorrow is not going to be another lonely day. Alas, I know that tomorrow will be me, with the kids, and soon I will be in Kentucky, at the one place I know I fit...in my grandmother's house...with Kendra and Amy...talking about heaven knows what and making them laugh...they are the people who make me feel wanted...they are the people I know will always be there for me...and right now...they are the ones I miss...
It has been such a hard day for me, and I'm not even really sure why. I have cried and cried to the point where I am probably almost dehydrated. Like I said earlier, I hate that I am emotional, but it's just who I am. I have always been different, and I always will be. I can't help who I am. God made me this way. I love the book Captivating because it tells us how we, as women, are the emotional part of God. Today I refuse to be ashamed any longer that I am an emotional person. I just care, and hurt, and this is how I express it. My tears are healing, they help me...they are an intrinsic part of who I am...
This ended up being much longer than I had planned...but I guess it's just a glimpse at who I am...and if you made it this far...well...I thank you for caring...
lots of love...
Jess
I was talking to my dad on the phone today (well more like crying to him over the phone today)...I love my friends, but they are at such a different place than me. I asked dad why it is so hard to find a good group of Christian friends my age that aren't all married, with children, or wanting to be those things. I am completely content with being single at the moment (yes, there are days when I wish I were married and had a family, but God has another plan). I want to find like-minded people. I really don't think it should be this difficult. The fact is though, I have never found a place where I actually fit in.
Growing up I was the girl who did what she was supposed to. I hated being a girl, but I wasn't a tomboy at all! I wasn't all ga-ga over babies and boys, but I didn't want to get my hands dirty either. Most of the time I wanted to escape inside my books, there I found friends. Free-thinkers who were more concerned about life and what was going on around them than what boy was looking at them and if they thought so and so was cute. I never had a lot of friends, yet I was completely surrounded by them at the same time. I was home-schooled so I wasn't invited to anything that didn't have to do with church, or a birthday party. I was essentially alone. I even enjoyed it sometimes. I had my place in the church where I would escape to and think. Most of the time no one even saw me, and so I was free to watch people come and go, and to think. I've always been a thinker.
As I grew up I was hurt deeply and held onto the hurt. I would usually bring it up and let myself wallow in the pain of feeling unloved and unwanted. I never had a boyfriend, and I never really understood why. I thought that I must be terribly ugly. I knew that I was a good person, but part of me was locked up, hidden away.
When I moved to Florida I had to take a lot of steps out of my comfort zones. No one knew me, I had to let them get to know me. Maybe it was at that point that I felt that I fit in somewhere, maybe the only time in my life. I had Kristi. She was probably the most amazing friend I've ever had. With her, I never felt out of place, I felt that I belonged and then it was really great when we started doing tons of stuff with Megan and Aundrea. We had SO much fun. Things changed...mostly things out of our control...
I started college and became super active in so many things. I think again, I was desperately searching for a place to fit. Instead, I ended up stretching myself too thin. I don't mean in a sense that I couldn't accomplish everything, just in a way that I had so many friends in different areas that I never really fit in to just one. This might sound like a good thing, but when you don't JUST fit in with a specific group of people, they tend to forget to call and invite you places. Instead of fitting in, I generally found my way through college with great friends and my only social activities being the ones I planned for the entire school body.
I moved back to Kentucky, and while I will NEVER feel out of place with my family, it was still hard. The whole "You can't go back home" thing, well...that's where I was.
Once I came back to Florida I finally felt like I belonged somewhere...BARTOW!!! I know that some day I will find my way back to that place. I want to grow old there. I want to die there. I want to do a lot more than just that, but you get what I'm saying. Yet, even though that is where I consider home, I was still the girl who was too old, too young or just too single to feel like I fit anywhere. I feel like the world is a fish bowl, and I get to interact with the fishies, but...ultimately...I am just an outsider looking in.
Sometimes I think this whole thing should be easier. I should be able to fit somewhere. I should be able to breathe and relax, knowing that tomorrow is not going to be another lonely day. Alas, I know that tomorrow will be me, with the kids, and soon I will be in Kentucky, at the one place I know I fit...in my grandmother's house...with Kendra and Amy...talking about heaven knows what and making them laugh...they are the people who make me feel wanted...they are the people I know will always be there for me...and right now...they are the ones I miss...
It has been such a hard day for me, and I'm not even really sure why. I have cried and cried to the point where I am probably almost dehydrated. Like I said earlier, I hate that I am emotional, but it's just who I am. I have always been different, and I always will be. I can't help who I am. God made me this way. I love the book Captivating because it tells us how we, as women, are the emotional part of God. Today I refuse to be ashamed any longer that I am an emotional person. I just care, and hurt, and this is how I express it. My tears are healing, they help me...they are an intrinsic part of who I am...
This ended up being much longer than I had planned...but I guess it's just a glimpse at who I am...and if you made it this far...well...I thank you for caring...
lots of love...
Jess
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Standing Firm
I was lying out on the veranda tonight. The beauty of the stars literally brought me to tears. God is so amazing! How can people even question His existence? To think that we could all be walking around for no reason is quite disheartening. I don't know. Watching the stars tonight really made me think about a lot of things.
I am no where near perfect and I do not pretend to be. I have messed up and I have failed, but I know that my God loves me just as I am. You want to know a little secret? I'm going to mess up again. Know what else? God already knows that, but He loves me anyways. I'm sorry, but I can't understand passing up that kind of love. In a book I read recently, the author said that one of the reasons we have such a hard time accepting God's love is because we don't really understand what unconditional love really is. I tend to agree. Every love we know is conditional. I don't know about you, but I am really ready to grasp on to this unconditional love.
I wish I had more answers than I do, but I know that God's timing is perfect. Right now, I am laying here in bed, so ready for tomorrow, because I know that no matter what I face, He will be there with me, and I will overcome. God has big plans for me. I know that I am going to live in his will. He is my Abba.
He is my Rock...
I am no where near perfect and I do not pretend to be. I have messed up and I have failed, but I know that my God loves me just as I am. You want to know a little secret? I'm going to mess up again. Know what else? God already knows that, but He loves me anyways. I'm sorry, but I can't understand passing up that kind of love. In a book I read recently, the author said that one of the reasons we have such a hard time accepting God's love is because we don't really understand what unconditional love really is. I tend to agree. Every love we know is conditional. I don't know about you, but I am really ready to grasp on to this unconditional love.
I wish I had more answers than I do, but I know that God's timing is perfect. Right now, I am laying here in bed, so ready for tomorrow, because I know that no matter what I face, He will be there with me, and I will overcome. God has big plans for me. I know that I am going to live in his will. He is my Abba.
He is my Rock...
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Giving it away...
I wish I could be all that I know I should be. I know that I should spend more time in prayer and devotion, giving God all of who I am, and letting Him have TOTAL control. I know that I should work out every day and eat better. I know I should find a church here and build a support system around me. I know that I should let go of some situations, because God has better and I'm just not allowing him to give it to me. I know I should spend more time on my manuscript. I know that I should spend less time on the internet. I know...I know...I know...
But it's not what I know, it's what I do, and don't do. I don't pray and read my Bible every day. I try to hold on to things that I should hand over to God. I sit in my room alone and pout about being lonely instead of going out and making use of my life. I sit on my butt instead of going for a walk. I eat something that tastes good because it's fast and convenient instead of taking the time to fix something that is good for me. I refuse to let go of certain things because I think I know what's best for me. I never work on my manuscript and I live on the internet. I do...I do...I do...
When I make it a priority to take what is in my head and make it reality then I will be living a life worthy of my King. I am so tired of living a half-hearted life. I am tired of sitting around waiting for something to happen to me, instead of going out there and letting God do something for me. I get so lost in the drama of life that I rarely take the time to realize things would be so much better if I would just let Him take over. I don't know what it is about me that refuses to hand over the reigns. The thing is, I actually know that it is better to be completely in His will. I know that I am here, right now, for a reason, but I am not taking full advantage of that. Instead, I am sitting idly by, letting life pass me by. I ready for a change, I am ready for a new beginning and I think I know how to get there. It's not going to be easy, in fact, it is going to tear me apart, but I know that it is what must be done. I have to let God have control. I have to give Him my life, because I am tired of living it on my own.
It's funny. In my heart I know that I am forcing some issues. Today I was praying on the way to take Alexa to school, and I realized that I know in my heart of hearts where I should be, and I know that God will bless me if I just let it go. So here I am, letting it ALL go. Here I am giving Him COMPLETE control!
I am done being me. I am giving God the driver's seat back.
That's all there is to say right now.
But it's not what I know, it's what I do, and don't do. I don't pray and read my Bible every day. I try to hold on to things that I should hand over to God. I sit in my room alone and pout about being lonely instead of going out and making use of my life. I sit on my butt instead of going for a walk. I eat something that tastes good because it's fast and convenient instead of taking the time to fix something that is good for me. I refuse to let go of certain things because I think I know what's best for me. I never work on my manuscript and I live on the internet. I do...I do...I do...
When I make it a priority to take what is in my head and make it reality then I will be living a life worthy of my King. I am so tired of living a half-hearted life. I am tired of sitting around waiting for something to happen to me, instead of going out there and letting God do something for me. I get so lost in the drama of life that I rarely take the time to realize things would be so much better if I would just let Him take over. I don't know what it is about me that refuses to hand over the reigns. The thing is, I actually know that it is better to be completely in His will. I know that I am here, right now, for a reason, but I am not taking full advantage of that. Instead, I am sitting idly by, letting life pass me by. I ready for a change, I am ready for a new beginning and I think I know how to get there. It's not going to be easy, in fact, it is going to tear me apart, but I know that it is what must be done. I have to let God have control. I have to give Him my life, because I am tired of living it on my own.
It's funny. In my heart I know that I am forcing some issues. Today I was praying on the way to take Alexa to school, and I realized that I know in my heart of hearts where I should be, and I know that God will bless me if I just let it go. So here I am, letting it ALL go. Here I am giving Him COMPLETE control!
I am done being me. I am giving God the driver's seat back.
That's all there is to say right now.
Monday, November 26, 2007
I am less than I should be...
There are days when I feel like the future is something that's just out there...then there are other days when it consumes me. Sometimes it is with great excitement that I look forward, other times dread is what fills me. I am no closer to knowing the future than anyone else, and so I wonder why it is that we spend so much time thinking about it. The present is where we should be, but I suppose we realize that the present effects the future and that drives us to want to know what our decisions today will make of us tomorrow. I feel lost in this pool of self-discovery. I want to know what lies ahead, but I am tired of trying to see through a hazy crystal ball. Today is where I am...tomorrow isn't even guaranteed...and yet it is something I focus on continually...
I don't understand all of the things that I am going through at the moment and so it gives me reason to pause and examine where I am. I want more than anything just to live for this second and let tomorrow worry about itself.
I am stronger than I give myself credit for...but today it is hard for me to stand in that knowledge. I know that I am an amazing person, meant for great things...and so I wonder why I often stand on the sidelines content to play the leading lady's best friend...I am meant for more than that. I am supposed to be my own star...I was never created to stand in the shadows, but I have allowed myself to become complacent here...I have become the understudy in my own life...I have allowed myself to fade into the background...
How do I change this? Do I take control of the things I've let slip away...or do I remain in the shadows forever forced to play a flat character...???
I am less than I should be...I should be more...
I don't understand all of the things that I am going through at the moment and so it gives me reason to pause and examine where I am. I want more than anything just to live for this second and let tomorrow worry about itself.
I am stronger than I give myself credit for...but today it is hard for me to stand in that knowledge. I know that I am an amazing person, meant for great things...and so I wonder why I often stand on the sidelines content to play the leading lady's best friend...I am meant for more than that. I am supposed to be my own star...I was never created to stand in the shadows, but I have allowed myself to become complacent here...I have become the understudy in my own life...I have allowed myself to fade into the background...
How do I change this? Do I take control of the things I've let slip away...or do I remain in the shadows forever forced to play a flat character...???
I am less than I should be...I should be more...
Friday, November 16, 2007
Only Me...I Can't Be More...
You know...recently I have been struggling with the whole concept of why someone wouldn't want to be with me. This is by no means a ranting of false modesty, because I know that I have many flaws, but I am somewhat of an amazing person. I am pretty...not ugly anyways...I am highly intelligent...I am quick witted and funny...I love people with all that I am...I can find a reason in anything that makes it good...I am great with children...I am an amzing house cleaner (I could use help in the kitchen though!)...I love God...and I am a good person...so why is it that all around me people are finding love, but it seems to elude me?
I don't want to be one of those people who ends up bitter and alone, and I am afraid at times that I am headed down that road. I know that part of me is already bitter...and while I am surrounded by people who love me...I tend to feel so very alone...this is never where I saw myself, and how I ended up here...I don't know that I will ever know...
I know that I just have to hang in there...it will happen at the exact moment God wants it to...not a minute sooner...or a minute later...God's timing is perfect and I know that...I have trusted him so many times in so many other areas...but this one...I struggle with it...
Mostly it is because I am scared to love...scared to be in love...scared that when I find something that resembles love...it will be taken away from me...because that's how it has happened so many times before...I hate that he did this to me...I know it's not completely his fault...but every time I think of loving someone I think of all the hurt that I went through trying to get over him...trying to realize it wasn't my fault that he didn't love me anymore...I didn't do anything for him to take his love away...but he did it...I thought he hung the moon and he brought my world crashing down around my feet...I've tried to forgive him...and it is so hard when I have to sit there and smile as though all those years of pain never actually happened...but they did...and I know they did...and it hurts...but...I go on...I just don't know if I can love the way I am meant to...
I am scared of love...I am scared even more of losing it...and so...I shut myself off...most people only get to see the surface Jessica...or the finished product...I don't want anyone to see the rough draft...the original copy...in fact...I can probably count on my hands the people who have seen that part of me...and some of them wouldn't even know the real me right now...
I don't know...most of this probably doesn't make sense...but I'm tired and sick...so...here...random thoughts of a girl undone...that's what I'm here for...and tonight...that's what you get...
Sunday, November 11, 2007
I am a Square Peg
I am a square peg. It is not something that I can help. I just am. In a world of round holes I have always been oddly out of place. Fitting in has just never been something I could accomplish. Yet, it is my uniqueness that allows me to love myself. On Thursday a friend told me I was just goofy. I replied with, "If I weren't would you really want to hang out with me." His return was that I would be boring (and this is SO true). I pride myself on my wacky, off beat personality. I love that I am different, because being normal is the farthest thing from what I am. I know that we are all created in a special way, but I like to think of myself as slightly off. I told my Mel the other day that I know God must have a sense of humor, because he created me.
I love that about me! I think the reason that I am thinking about these personality traits is because spending a lot of time with the kids brings it out in me more than usual. They love my goofiness (I just hope one day that my kids will love it too and not find it embarrassing). I love to laugh and I feel like I do it more and more each day. My kids bring something amazing into my life. They are what I live for. It's funny, because I definately see them as more than just a job. They are the sunshine on a cloudy day! I wonder if My Girl was written about a daughter, as opposed to a lover (which I have always thought until now). My kids keep me happy!
I have learned so much from them. I have learned what is important and what isn't. I have learned how to give and take. They have taught me what it means to be the best me that I can be. I couldn't ask for more than I have right now.
Not everything in life is perfect (oh how I wish that were possible at times). I'm slightly hurt. It is something I will get over. It's funny because it is not a deep hurt, just a twinge of pain that threatens bitterness, but I am fighting off the desire to be bitter, instead I am smiling, because I know that with every rose there is the threat of thorns. Aside from that small thing, I am learning to lay things down and hand them over to God. It is not an easy thing to do, but I know that His will is better than my own.
I am also trying to listen intently to what He is saying. I love to hear His voice. It is my desire to be all that He wants me to be. Right now, I know that I am letting some things slip...but this is all changing...God has given me new words! He is calling me to a higher place. I am excited to see where this square peg is going to fit (because I'm tired of trying to sqeeze into these round holes!).
It Begins!
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
My Soul Must Sing
I am nowhere near the person I should be, but God is shaping me into more than I could ever hope to become. I am blessed beyond measure. It has been an interesting ride recently (to say the least), and I know that it is far from over. I am letting him have control of things that I have hung onto for a very long time. And so here I am standing saying, take me Lord, use me Lord. Here I am broken...laying myself prostrate before you!
God has heard the cries of my heart and has reignited a holy desperation. I long for an unsatisfied satisfaction...I want to constantly yearn for more of Him. He is all that I desire...He is my everything...my all in all...He has blessed me beyond all comprehension. I am beginning to see things clearly...and I know that His plans for me are slowly unfolding to all that he has called me to be. I am a child of the Father...he is doing something new in me.
I know that this yearning in my spirit will be satisfied with nothing but Christ. He is the reason I am even here...he spared my life so that I could be more, so that I could accomplish His will.
I look forward to all that God is getting ready to do in me and I can't wait to see it all come to fruition. My heart is SO happy...
God has heard the cries of my heart and has reignited a holy desperation. I long for an unsatisfied satisfaction...I want to constantly yearn for more of Him. He is all that I desire...He is my everything...my all in all...He has blessed me beyond all comprehension. I am beginning to see things clearly...and I know that His plans for me are slowly unfolding to all that he has called me to be. I am a child of the Father...he is doing something new in me.
I know that this yearning in my spirit will be satisfied with nothing but Christ. He is the reason I am even here...he spared my life so that I could be more, so that I could accomplish His will.
I look forward to all that God is getting ready to do in me and I can't wait to see it all come to fruition. My heart is SO happy...
Monday, November 05, 2007
Let God be God
I decided tonight that I am not meant to sleep. It's not that sleep doesn't come to me, it's just that God allows different people to wake me each night. Sometimes it is somewhat expected, other times, it is not expected at all. I suppose this is again my chance to talk to God, and yes, I am taking that chance now...
It's so strange how I can feel so much at once...I am so happy, yet so sad all at the time...and I feel like a battle is raging inside of me...I love where I am...I love the family I work for, these kids are my life...I love them each SO much...everyday I feel that I learn something new from them...they make so happy...and yet...I feel so very alone...my soul is deseperate for more...
Why is it so hard for us to lay things down at his feet? Well...I guess that is not the hard part...what is truly difficult is leaving it there...I've felt this way many times about many things...I will lay something down that I am chained to...but instead of undoing the chain...I stay connected to it...and even though it's there at the feet of Jesus...I am still connected to it...still holding on to a bit of what I need let go of...why is it so difficult for us to just let go and let God?!?!?!?!?!?!?
I just want to let God be God...why is that so hard for us to do?
It's so strange how I can feel so much at once...I am so happy, yet so sad all at the time...and I feel like a battle is raging inside of me...I love where I am...I love the family I work for, these kids are my life...I love them each SO much...everyday I feel that I learn something new from them...they make so happy...and yet...I feel so very alone...my soul is deseperate for more...
Why is it so hard for us to lay things down at his feet? Well...I guess that is not the hard part...what is truly difficult is leaving it there...I've felt this way many times about many things...I will lay something down that I am chained to...but instead of undoing the chain...I stay connected to it...and even though it's there at the feet of Jesus...I am still connected to it...still holding on to a bit of what I need let go of...why is it so difficult for us to just let go and let God?!?!?!?!?!?!?
I just want to let God be God...why is that so hard for us to do?
Friday, November 02, 2007
Bump in the Road
Not that I didn't expect it to happen sooner or later...I guess I was just hoping for later...
I don't know why I let myself slip and fall...I also don't know why I am allowing myself to dwell on my mistakes...God has already forgiven me...I just have to pick up and keep on moving forward...I hate that satan knows exactly where to attack me...and the thing is...I give in so easily. I need to be stronger here...I need to allow God to have this area of my life...it is my weakness...and it is where I am tempted the most...
I just finished a book called Soul Cravings...and I know that we fill our lives with many things because we are looking for some type of fulfillment...More than anything I just want to be wanted...I want someone to desire me...to love me...to want to spend their life with me...but many times I find myself giving in to the imitation of intimacy because I become weary of waiting for the precious reality that God has for me...
I love where I have been these last few days...I am happy with where my life is and where it is going...but I don't want to be mediocre...I don't want to give in to the desires of the flesh...because those desires will come and go...but my desire for my Lord...well...that is something that will always be there...through it all...
I know that God has something in store for me...and I am so scared that my distractions will not allow me to see what God has right in front of me...so I pray that I can grow stronger...because I don't want to miss out on ALL that God has for me...
I don't know why I let myself slip and fall...I also don't know why I am allowing myself to dwell on my mistakes...God has already forgiven me...I just have to pick up and keep on moving forward...I hate that satan knows exactly where to attack me...and the thing is...I give in so easily. I need to be stronger here...I need to allow God to have this area of my life...it is my weakness...and it is where I am tempted the most...
I just finished a book called Soul Cravings...and I know that we fill our lives with many things because we are looking for some type of fulfillment...More than anything I just want to be wanted...I want someone to desire me...to love me...to want to spend their life with me...but many times I find myself giving in to the imitation of intimacy because I become weary of waiting for the precious reality that God has for me...
I love where I have been these last few days...I am happy with where my life is and where it is going...but I don't want to be mediocre...I don't want to give in to the desires of the flesh...because those desires will come and go...but my desire for my Lord...well...that is something that will always be there...through it all...
I know that God has something in store for me...and I am so scared that my distractions will not allow me to see what God has right in front of me...so I pray that I can grow stronger...because I don't want to miss out on ALL that God has for me...
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Genuine Encounter
The last few days have been more than amazing! God has changed something within me and my life actually feels as though it has meaning again. It's like when you're driving and you get lost...you feel panicked and somewhat worried...but when you are back on the road that you know will lead you home, you feel safe and reassured. These last few days have given me those feelings of safety and reassurance. I am no longer worried about what has become of me...instead...I am now focused on what lies ahead of me and what God has in store for my life. I have always known that God has a bigger purpose for my life...and now...I feel that I am actually chasing after it...
I wish I could put into the words the freedom that I am feeling right now...yesterday I said...I don't think that I have ever been happier in my entire life...I feel weightless...I feel as though every burden has been taken from me and I am now freer than I have ever been...this is the greatest feeling...and it's not the fake...I've been to the best service or camp or revival...this was a genuine encounter with God...I feel as though God has taken me from my lowest low and placed me on my highest high...I am communing with Him...we are talking everyday...yes...every day I hear something new from God...
This freedom...this amazing feeling that I am on the right track...this is worth it...worth all of the bad that I've gone through to get here...THIS is the moment that I am choosing to live a life devoted to him...no longer stuck in a rut of mediocrity...I am giving him my all...everything...I lay it down...here and now...my life is nothing without him...he is my all in all...
I wish I could put into the words the freedom that I am feeling right now...yesterday I said...I don't think that I have ever been happier in my entire life...I feel weightless...I feel as though every burden has been taken from me and I am now freer than I have ever been...this is the greatest feeling...and it's not the fake...I've been to the best service or camp or revival...this was a genuine encounter with God...I feel as though God has taken me from my lowest low and placed me on my highest high...I am communing with Him...we are talking everyday...yes...every day I hear something new from God...
This freedom...this amazing feeling that I am on the right track...this is worth it...worth all of the bad that I've gone through to get here...THIS is the moment that I am choosing to live a life devoted to him...no longer stuck in a rut of mediocrity...I am giving him my all...everything...I lay it down...here and now...my life is nothing without him...he is my all in all...
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Disney and Real Love
Cinderella
So this is love, Mmmmmm
So this is love
So this is what makes life divine
I'm all aglow, Mmmmmm
And now I know
The key to all heaven is mine
My heart has wings, Mmmmmm
And I can fly
I'll touch ev'ry star in the sky
So this is the miracle that I've been dreaming of
Mmmmmm
Mmmmmm
So this is love
Beauty and the Beast
Tale as old as time
True as it can be
Barely even friends
Then somebody bends
Unexpectedly
Just a little change
Small to say the least
Both a little scared
Neither one prepared
Beauty and the Beast
Ever just the same
Ever a surprise
Ever as before
Ever just as sure
As the sun will rise
Tale as old as time
Tune as old as song
Bittersweet and strange
Finding you can change
Learning you were wrong
Certain as the sun
Rising in the east
Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the Beast
Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the Beast
Sleeping Beauty
I know you
I walked with you once upon a dream.
I know you
The gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam
Yes, I know it's true
that visions are seldom all they seem
But if I know you, I know what you'll do
You'll love me at once
the way you did once upon a dream
What is it about Disney Princesses? I look back now and realize that those fairy tales give off a false sense of hope. Mostly it is our own view of the tale that makes it that way. We generally think, now why can't I have a happy ending like that. But, look with me, if you will, at the journey they took to get to that love. Cinderella lost both her father and her mother and was left in the care of a woman who treated her as a servant in her own house. She was forced to live in an attic and take care of the things they should have hired someone else to do. She gets to go to the ball only to leave after meeting an amazing man. She gets locked in the attic and only barely gets out in time for her to reveal that she is the one that the price loves. Yes...in the end she gets the prince...but I very seriously doubt that it was a happily ever after. She probably dealt with abandonment issues, and was possibly even a little OCD when it came to cleaning the palace. There would be times when she wouldn't know how to communicate with her husband, and he would probably get a little frustrated with her at times. Yes, they would love each other...but things for Cinderella were and would be far from perfect.
Now let's look at Belle. She has no mother to speak of and ends up taking care of her father when it should be the other way around. She lives in a little town and aspires for something more. She ends up trapped in a castle, made to make nice with a literal beast, and is forced to be away from her father (the only one she's ever known love from). I don't know about you, but I am not really all that jealous of Belle's journey to love. And would they have trust issues? Think about it, the whole reason they ended up together is because the Beast forced her to be there (and yes, I know he eventually let her go)...but would they be able to trust each other completely?
Aurora...This girl is made to live a complete lie (talk about having some trust issues)...She grows up not knowing her mother or her father. She's raised by three women in the middle of the forest. She has no friends. She is so lonely. And then the truth is revealed her to. I can't imagine what it must have been like to find out that the people you trusted with everything, even your love, had been lying to you your entire life. Then she is tricked. She is placed in pretty much a coma...and is completely helpless. And once she and Phillip are together, what will thier happily ever after be like? I think it would take a while for her to trust completely. And what about the whole parent thing. She has to get to know her parents. That would be so wierd.
This is something that I have always found funny about romantic movies...yes, there is generally a happy ending (if there weren't then what would be the point of watching it)...but what about all of the stuff that led up to that. The Wedding Planner is my favorite movie to analyze when it comes to this. Mary was engaged and then cheated on at her wedding shower. She then led a very lonely life. She was all work. She had shut all chances of love out. Then, when she thinks she might have found the guy that could change all of that he winds up being taken. Not just taken, he was a client. All the while, her father is trying to match her up with the guy from Italy...she almost throws away her love for Steve for safety and the chance that love might come to her. Yeah...she gets the guy in the end...but do we really want to have to go through all of that just to get the happy ending?
I believe that love is something worth having, but instead of romantically fantasizing about our happy ending...let's make the journey to that love...yeah...let's make that journey the happy part of the tale...and let's not forget that once that love is found...it is not the end...but the beginning...
GOD IS LOVE...and that is something that we have to know...we have to believe...we have to hold on to...because He is the author of our love stories...He has the script...we're just following His lead...
So this is love, Mmmmmm
So this is love
So this is what makes life divine
I'm all aglow, Mmmmmm
And now I know
The key to all heaven is mine
My heart has wings, Mmmmmm
And I can fly
I'll touch ev'ry star in the sky
So this is the miracle that I've been dreaming of
Mmmmmm
Mmmmmm
So this is love
Beauty and the Beast
Tale as old as time
True as it can be
Barely even friends
Then somebody bends
Unexpectedly
Just a little change
Small to say the least
Both a little scared
Neither one prepared
Beauty and the Beast
Ever just the same
Ever a surprise
Ever as before
Ever just as sure
As the sun will rise
Tale as old as time
Tune as old as song
Bittersweet and strange
Finding you can change
Learning you were wrong
Certain as the sun
Rising in the east
Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the Beast
Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the Beast
Sleeping Beauty
I know you
I walked with you once upon a dream.
I know you
The gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam
Yes, I know it's true
that visions are seldom all they seem
But if I know you, I know what you'll do
You'll love me at once
the way you did once upon a dream
What is it about Disney Princesses? I look back now and realize that those fairy tales give off a false sense of hope. Mostly it is our own view of the tale that makes it that way. We generally think, now why can't I have a happy ending like that. But, look with me, if you will, at the journey they took to get to that love. Cinderella lost both her father and her mother and was left in the care of a woman who treated her as a servant in her own house. She was forced to live in an attic and take care of the things they should have hired someone else to do. She gets to go to the ball only to leave after meeting an amazing man. She gets locked in the attic and only barely gets out in time for her to reveal that she is the one that the price loves. Yes...in the end she gets the prince...but I very seriously doubt that it was a happily ever after. She probably dealt with abandonment issues, and was possibly even a little OCD when it came to cleaning the palace. There would be times when she wouldn't know how to communicate with her husband, and he would probably get a little frustrated with her at times. Yes, they would love each other...but things for Cinderella were and would be far from perfect.
Now let's look at Belle. She has no mother to speak of and ends up taking care of her father when it should be the other way around. She lives in a little town and aspires for something more. She ends up trapped in a castle, made to make nice with a literal beast, and is forced to be away from her father (the only one she's ever known love from). I don't know about you, but I am not really all that jealous of Belle's journey to love. And would they have trust issues? Think about it, the whole reason they ended up together is because the Beast forced her to be there (and yes, I know he eventually let her go)...but would they be able to trust each other completely?
Aurora...This girl is made to live a complete lie (talk about having some trust issues)...She grows up not knowing her mother or her father. She's raised by three women in the middle of the forest. She has no friends. She is so lonely. And then the truth is revealed her to. I can't imagine what it must have been like to find out that the people you trusted with everything, even your love, had been lying to you your entire life. Then she is tricked. She is placed in pretty much a coma...and is completely helpless. And once she and Phillip are together, what will thier happily ever after be like? I think it would take a while for her to trust completely. And what about the whole parent thing. She has to get to know her parents. That would be so wierd.
This is something that I have always found funny about romantic movies...yes, there is generally a happy ending (if there weren't then what would be the point of watching it)...but what about all of the stuff that led up to that. The Wedding Planner is my favorite movie to analyze when it comes to this. Mary was engaged and then cheated on at her wedding shower. She then led a very lonely life. She was all work. She had shut all chances of love out. Then, when she thinks she might have found the guy that could change all of that he winds up being taken. Not just taken, he was a client. All the while, her father is trying to match her up with the guy from Italy...she almost throws away her love for Steve for safety and the chance that love might come to her. Yeah...she gets the guy in the end...but do we really want to have to go through all of that just to get the happy ending?
I believe that love is something worth having, but instead of romantically fantasizing about our happy ending...let's make the journey to that love...yeah...let's make that journey the happy part of the tale...and let's not forget that once that love is found...it is not the end...but the beginning...
GOD IS LOVE...and that is something that we have to know...we have to believe...we have to hold on to...because He is the author of our love stories...He has the script...we're just following His lead...
Friday, October 26, 2007
I don't know...
Today is one of those days. I don't know if it is because I'm sick and I don't feel well, or if there is some other underlying reasoning, but I miss Bartow today. I miss my family and my friends. I miss Sundays. I miss Pastor Tommy and his family...Sonny's after church...watching football games that I could care less about...I miss Lana...SO much...I miss my parents and Megan and Bruce and Brandon and Rebekah...I just do...I miss my students...I miss Tayor the most...I wish that I were there so that I could see them all...
The funny thing is...I love my job...what I'm doing is amazing...these kids are my life. I am part of a family here, but they are all I have and for the most part they are enough...but there is the small part of me that is lonely for companionship. I fill the void quite well with trips to Bartow...but I am missing something...and I feel it desperately...
The thing is...my relationship with God has been improving...I am no where near where I want to be...but I know that I am taking steps to get there...I just feel as though I am walking around wanting something that I can't even describe...maybe the reality is that I know what I want...I'm just scared of it...I'm scared to admit it...because somewhere in the back of my mind I am afraid that I will only be broken again...
Why is it that we are scared of brokeness...It is such a beautiful thing and all that we go through to get to that point is usually worth the pain...maybe...my fear is keeping me from something amazing...maybe my fear is holding me back...I don't know...but today...I sit here alone...wishing that I could let go of my fears and embrace the possibilities...
The funny thing is...I love my job...what I'm doing is amazing...these kids are my life. I am part of a family here, but they are all I have and for the most part they are enough...but there is the small part of me that is lonely for companionship. I fill the void quite well with trips to Bartow...but I am missing something...and I feel it desperately...
The thing is...my relationship with God has been improving...I am no where near where I want to be...but I know that I am taking steps to get there...I just feel as though I am walking around wanting something that I can't even describe...maybe the reality is that I know what I want...I'm just scared of it...I'm scared to admit it...because somewhere in the back of my mind I am afraid that I will only be broken again...
Why is it that we are scared of brokeness...It is such a beautiful thing and all that we go through to get to that point is usually worth the pain...maybe...my fear is keeping me from something amazing...maybe my fear is holding me back...I don't know...but today...I sit here alone...wishing that I could let go of my fears and embrace the possibilities...
Monday, October 22, 2007
Sleepless Nights...
I spend many nights awake when I should be long asleep. It has been something that has plagued me over the last few months. I can't explain why. Most of the time I look at my periods of insomnia as chances to re-examine what is going on in my life. I would sit here and say that I use these times for prayer and supplication, but that would be a lie. I guess tonight is somewhat different though. Tonight I realize that when God wakes me in the night...maybe He has something to say.
I feel that God has been trying to talk to me a lot recently. He's been talking to me about where I am spiritually...where I am going in my life...and why I have been running away from him so fervently. I know that He wants me to examine my heart...He wants me to realize that He's not done with me yet. He has placed a great calling on my life, but part of me has always been scared of my calling. I fear that I won't accomplish all that I know He has set for me to do. I am scared that I will fail. I am scared of the opposition I will face. The thing is, I've known this for a long time. I didn't used to be scared. I don't know why I am now. Maybe it is because I can actually do what He has called me to now. Maybe it is that what was once a dream could soon become reality.
I hate that I used to be stronger. In the past there is no way I would let the attacks of satan keep me from what God has placed in my heart. I have let other things become priority in my heart, and that is how satan has gotten to me. He knows that my desires to feel loved and wanted have come to the forefront of my mind and heart. He has exploited these wants and desires and now they are being used against me.
I think that tonight, as I sit here typing this, God is revealing many things to me. I know that I can go to sleep peacefully tonight and expect to sleep through until morning. And tomorrow when I wake I will face the challenges head on. I will no longer turn my back to my calling, but will push forward. God placed these dreams in my heart for a reason. He has made it clear to me that He is not giving up, He is not backing down. I can do this! I know...because God promised that I could do ALL things through Him...and HE will give me strength...
I feel that God has been trying to talk to me a lot recently. He's been talking to me about where I am spiritually...where I am going in my life...and why I have been running away from him so fervently. I know that He wants me to examine my heart...He wants me to realize that He's not done with me yet. He has placed a great calling on my life, but part of me has always been scared of my calling. I fear that I won't accomplish all that I know He has set for me to do. I am scared that I will fail. I am scared of the opposition I will face. The thing is, I've known this for a long time. I didn't used to be scared. I don't know why I am now. Maybe it is because I can actually do what He has called me to now. Maybe it is that what was once a dream could soon become reality.
I hate that I used to be stronger. In the past there is no way I would let the attacks of satan keep me from what God has placed in my heart. I have let other things become priority in my heart, and that is how satan has gotten to me. He knows that my desires to feel loved and wanted have come to the forefront of my mind and heart. He has exploited these wants and desires and now they are being used against me.
I think that tonight, as I sit here typing this, God is revealing many things to me. I know that I can go to sleep peacefully tonight and expect to sleep through until morning. And tomorrow when I wake I will face the challenges head on. I will no longer turn my back to my calling, but will push forward. God placed these dreams in my heart for a reason. He has made it clear to me that He is not giving up, He is not backing down. I can do this! I know...because God promised that I could do ALL things through Him...and HE will give me strength...
Sunday, October 21, 2007
I've Had My Moments
I have been so many things. I have been the girl who has done everything right, and I have been the girl who has done everything wrong. It seems that recently I have chosen to be someone I never intended to be. It is so much easier to live a life where you choose not to be accountable, yet this life also brings with it much strife. I think I've been running from God. I think that I just got tired of telling Him I was sorry. I got tired of giving Him another excuse. Instead, I just stopped talking.
Today I got a package in the mail. It seems that God is not done talking to me. He really has a way of making sure He gets your attention. It was from my cousin. God had really been laying me on her heart. She sent me a card and a letter and a notebook. She reminded me that God isn't done with me yet. He has great plans for me, if I will just let Him take over.
I am so tired of making things a priority, when today, they don't even matter. Tomorrow is not a promise, so I have to be the best me that I can be today...I am tired of looking back over my moments. I want to live my moments right now. I used to be a better person. I used to care more. I used to want more. I don't even know when I stopped being me. I don't know when I chose to take the easy road. I do know that I'm ready for a change. I'm ready for something new.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Do I Deserve More?
Recently it has been brought to my attention that I might be settling for less than what I deserve. I happen to have a problem with this. Not that people are telling me this, but that I generally do settle for less. I don't know if it is that I have a savior comlex and I am looking to save someone, or if it is just that I want to be with someone who is more messed up than I am…but I tend to be attracted to the kind of guy I really shouldn't be spending the rest of my life with.
Every guy that I have been in a relationship with has been emotionally unavailable…even when I was in the relationship with them. Beyond that, I tend to be drawn to the kind of guy that is pretty much not what I have always wanted. I am a hopeless romantic. Give me the flowers and the cheesiness of it all…I still love it when a guy shows you that they care. Even though that is the case, I tend to date guys that do not have one romantic bone in their body. Their idea of romance is that they want to make out with me…I need more than that.
I need someone who wants to take the time to know my quirks…my likes and dislikes…I want a guy who realizes he should never buy me a rose…because daisies are my favorite flowers…I want a guy who knows I would rather stay in and cook together than to go out to a restraunt…I want a guy who opens the door for me, without me having to say something about it…I want a guy who tells me he loves me…and I never have to ask why…I want a guy who will be the spiritual head of our relationship…I want a guy who is smart…and funny…who knows how to take a joke…who loves kids and will put up my mood swings…who finds my incessant talking charming…and more than wanting or needing things…I truely believe that I deserve them…
So…why do I settle? Is it the desire just to be wanted…no matter what the cost is…? I guess…I'm tired of settling…and I am tired of lying to myself. Take for instance, my recent relationship follies…I want to believe that this guy is the right guy, but there are factors that make me question all of this…so…if I am constantly trying to convince myself that he could be right…aren't I doing a diservice to myself…???
Something to think about…
I know that I do deserve more than I am letting myself have…I am selling myself short and…that's never what God intended…
Every guy that I have been in a relationship with has been emotionally unavailable…even when I was in the relationship with them. Beyond that, I tend to be drawn to the kind of guy that is pretty much not what I have always wanted. I am a hopeless romantic. Give me the flowers and the cheesiness of it all…I still love it when a guy shows you that they care. Even though that is the case, I tend to date guys that do not have one romantic bone in their body. Their idea of romance is that they want to make out with me…I need more than that.
I need someone who wants to take the time to know my quirks…my likes and dislikes…I want a guy who realizes he should never buy me a rose…because daisies are my favorite flowers…I want a guy who knows I would rather stay in and cook together than to go out to a restraunt…I want a guy who opens the door for me, without me having to say something about it…I want a guy who tells me he loves me…and I never have to ask why…I want a guy who will be the spiritual head of our relationship…I want a guy who is smart…and funny…who knows how to take a joke…who loves kids and will put up my mood swings…who finds my incessant talking charming…and more than wanting or needing things…I truely believe that I deserve them…
So…why do I settle? Is it the desire just to be wanted…no matter what the cost is…? I guess…I'm tired of settling…and I am tired of lying to myself. Take for instance, my recent relationship follies…I want to believe that this guy is the right guy, but there are factors that make me question all of this…so…if I am constantly trying to convince myself that he could be right…aren't I doing a diservice to myself…???
Something to think about…
I know that I do deserve more than I am letting myself have…I am selling myself short and…that's never what God intended…
Monday, October 15, 2007
Putting God In a Box
Have you ever realized how often we put God in a box? We tend to think that we know what is best for our lives, and we let God know what that should be. What we need to stop and realize is that God doesn’t need our opinion or our approval. What He needs is for us to be obedient, and to lay down our plans for His. I think we get so caught up in the planning of our lives, that we often forget God already has a plan.
I was talking with a friend today. Where she is at right now, and some of the things she’s experiencing are kind of cool. She had a secret admirer. It was cute and charming, but she wasn’t sure how she felt about all of it. She thought that maybe he wouldn’t be her type, or that he wasn’t going to be what she wanted. Once he revealed who he was, she still wasn’t sure. She’s going out with him this weekend for what will be their first date. As I was talking to her, it made me realize that we need to be open to possiblities. It’s when we close ourselves off to those possibilities that we are putting God in that little box of ours.
I know that I am guilty of this most of the time, especially when it comes to relationships. I have been riding this rollercoaster for so long, going back and forth from feelings of contentment, to feelings of resentment. One moment I am happy and thrilled that God has allowed me to be single, and then there are other times when I am so angry at God for making me be alone. What I have failed to realize is that I just need to let it go. It’s not that I haven’t thought about it, or even tried, it’s just that I didn’t realize it was so important. Instead, I hold on to the temporary satisfaction of a relationship here and a relationship there. To be completely satisfied I need to hand it all over to God.
That is so much easier said than done. Letting go of something we hold so dear is a hard thing to do. It will take time, but in the end it will be completely worth it.
I don’t just want to be in A relationship. I want to be in THE relationship. I know that God has it out there…I just have to stop putting him in the box…I need to realize that His power over my love life is much greater than my own…I have to realize that there are possiblities out there…and God is ready to show me the ones in my life…if I will just let Him…
I was talking with a friend today. Where she is at right now, and some of the things she’s experiencing are kind of cool. She had a secret admirer. It was cute and charming, but she wasn’t sure how she felt about all of it. She thought that maybe he wouldn’t be her type, or that he wasn’t going to be what she wanted. Once he revealed who he was, she still wasn’t sure. She’s going out with him this weekend for what will be their first date. As I was talking to her, it made me realize that we need to be open to possiblities. It’s when we close ourselves off to those possibilities that we are putting God in that little box of ours.
I know that I am guilty of this most of the time, especially when it comes to relationships. I have been riding this rollercoaster for so long, going back and forth from feelings of contentment, to feelings of resentment. One moment I am happy and thrilled that God has allowed me to be single, and then there are other times when I am so angry at God for making me be alone. What I have failed to realize is that I just need to let it go. It’s not that I haven’t thought about it, or even tried, it’s just that I didn’t realize it was so important. Instead, I hold on to the temporary satisfaction of a relationship here and a relationship there. To be completely satisfied I need to hand it all over to God.
That is so much easier said than done. Letting go of something we hold so dear is a hard thing to do. It will take time, but in the end it will be completely worth it.
I don’t just want to be in A relationship. I want to be in THE relationship. I know that God has it out there…I just have to stop putting him in the box…I need to realize that His power over my love life is much greater than my own…I have to realize that there are possiblities out there…and God is ready to show me the ones in my life…if I will just let Him…
Monday, October 08, 2007
Today I Miss My Friends
It's funny...because as much as I love them...I do not always miss them...but today...I thought about them and started crying...I miss them all so much...and I don't want to be like...why the heck do I miss them...but...why the heck do I miss them so much today...??? I don't know...maybe it's the fact that I haven't seen some of them in three weeks...CRAZY!!! I was having my once a week fix there for a while...but I took the fix away and now I'm having withdrawls...
It's hard...because I'm happy here...really truely happy...but there are times when I just miss people...and today has been one of those days...I just want to cry...because I want to...and in an hour when I have the kids...I won't be so lonely and I won't think about it all that much...but today...for now...I miss you all...
I really, really do...
It's hard...because I'm happy here...really truely happy...but there are times when I just miss people...and today has been one of those days...I just want to cry...because I want to...and in an hour when I have the kids...I won't be so lonely and I won't think about it all that much...but today...for now...I miss you all...
I really, really do...
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