One is a Lonely Number

I posted as a status the other day that sometimes I still feel like the last one picked for kickball. I am amazed at how lonely I get sometimes, and how lonely I truly am. People seem to like me, but they don't really want to hang out with me. Now, don't get me wrong...I have friends that spend time with me, but I often feel excluded from things. It was the same way in college. I had tons of friends, and most everyone knew who I was, even if for nothing else than the fact that I did announcements in chapel twice a week, but I wasn't included in activities because I wasn't part of their inner circle.

This weekend I decided to take myself out of the equation. I turned my phone off and I didn't check my Facebook. It was kind of eye opening. I decided that Facebook has given me a false sense of importance. Somehow I think everyone wants to know everything about me, and that they care what I'm doing and that they notice when I'm away. And I only missed two text messages ALL weekend. I am constantly the one who initiates interactions between my friends. If want to talk to someone I do, but ultimately...people just don't really care that much about me. I think I said that wrong. People don't care as much about me as I think they do.

The only time I can think of when I am not truly lonely, is when I am with my cousins. I was definitely blessed with built-in friendships. It's hard to live so far from them and not be a part of their daily or, at least, weekly lives. They have been my best friends for the last 26+ years and it's hard when I don't have them around. Beyond my cousins and my siblings though, it's always been hard for me to establish connections. I am a people person. I work in a job where I have to have excellent people skills, but socially, I have a hard time making myself get out there and get connected. I don't know why I struggle so much with this, but it is making things difficult for me lately. I am hoping that soon I can break out of this, but ultimately I believe that it has to do with my environment.

I need a change of scenery and I need it to happen soon. I feel like I am slowly suffocating and I am ready to break out of it and move on to the next thing. So here's hoping it comes sooner than later, because I don't know how much more of this loneliness I can handle.

I Thought I Was Stronger

I do not have a boyfriend on purpose. There is good reason in why I stay single, and that mostly has to do with the fact that I don't like to hurt. My relationships have been few and far between, and I have not had much luck when it comes to guys.

When I was younger I dreamed of getting married when I was 18 (I know! Who knew 18 was so young when you're 10?!?!?!). Then I got into college and thought, this is where I will find the love of my life, get married and have tons of little me's. When that didn't happen, I felt stuck. I didn't know where to go with my life, because everything I had planned on wasn't coming true. I thought for the longest time that there must be something wrong with me and that nobody would ever want to be with me.

I remember when I was in middle school and all of my friends had "boyfriends" and I thought I was missing out on something. Then I got into high school and thought that guys would never like a girl who was fat, because I knew I was fat. I was "one of the guys" and had TONS of friends who were guys...but I never felt like guys could ever really like me as more than that.

When I moved to Florida I met this guy who I thought was amazing. He swept me off my feet. Knew all of the right things to say. Made me believe that this was it. He was the one. I just knew it! Turned out he was far from that, for which I am extremely grateful. He's a decent guy who has an amazing family, it just wasn't meant to be and I thank God that He knew that more than we did.

The entire time I was in college I didn't date one guy. I liked a lot of guys. I had crushes. There were some I just knew I was destined to marry. Alas, that was not the case. I stood at the end of my time in college with a degree, amazing friendships, and my single status. There were many tears shed and a lot of heartache with not understanding why God would leave me by myself when everyone else seemed to be finding their stride and taking off.

After college I dated this one guy who was more or less a stopgap. I needed someone to make me feel wanted, and he met that need. It didn't last long. Three months maybe. After that I was fine being single. That "fineness" didn't last long though.

If you look back through my blog you notice a trend of times of contentment and times of loneliness. There are so many books out there about how to be happy being single, and how to find the right man...I think that if I were to write a book like that, it would be titled "It's ok if you think being single sucks". I don't know who decided that it wasn't ok to be a tad bitter/jealous/upset about the fact that other people find someone sooner than you. I am completely happy for all of my friends out there who have met the right one and have started their families. I know that right now there is so much that I am doing that I couldn't do if I had those responsibilities, but that doesn't mean that from time to time it doesn't hurt a little. That doesn't mean that from time to time I don't wish I had someone who was mine.

In the last few years I feel like I have rotated between harmless flirtations to serious heart-wrenching could-have-been love. I don't work well with other people. I have been single for so long that I don't quite know how to be anything but single. When I am in a relationship, of any kind really, I give it my all. If I don't feel like the other person is giving as much as I am, then I feel alone and why be alone with someone, when I can be alone by myself?

There are days when I feel like I am ready to share my life with someone. Like, somehow, I can make it work. That I could love someone with everything. That I could be a little less selfish. That I could make someone happy. I think that's the thing about it. I know that if I could find the right guy, he would never have worry about my love. I am going to make some man very happy.

I thought I was stronger than this. I put on my game face and pretend that things are fine, but I am hurting inside and I don't want anyone to know it. Of course, I'm writing this and if you're reading this, you now know it. Small flaw in my plan.

I will make it past this and I will be fine. I know this, because I've done it before. I think each time I do get a little stronger, but that never makes it easier.

Things That Make Me Smile

http://imterriblyawkwardwithboys.tumblr.com/

I just can't help myself. These two are brilliant! Make me smile and I'll love you forever!

Get a Room...or at Least an Inbox!

We, as human beings, desire a connection. We want to feel as though we belong to something. This is why social networking is so popular because it gives us this sense that we are connected to people and that we belong to something bigger than ourselves. This is of course false. Social networking only makes us FEEL like we're connected, but it doesn't actually connect us to people. This is not a Facebook bash. If anyone knows me, they know I spend a good amount of time on Facebook, especially during my slow times of the year, but that doesn't mean that I feel connected to the people I am friends with on there.

I have over 800 friends on my Facebook, but out of those 800 "friends" I rarely ever talk to more than twenty to thirty on a regular basis. There are some that I have never posted on their wall and they have never posted on mine. There are others who I haven't seen in years and who I may never see again. It amazes me sometimes the people who send me requests. One of my friends posted yesterday, "Why do people send you friend requests if you never talk". I said it's because we are all secret stalkers. Seriously though, it is this deep sense of needing to feel connected that causes us to expand our "friends" list.

Sometimes I feel like my Facebook is an ever changing yearbook. I do love keeping up with the people I went to college with and see where their lives have taken them, to see their ever growing families, and to see the amazing things that they are up to. Whether or not I "talk" to them on a regular basis has little to do with why I have them added on Facebook. I like to know that I am not the only one of my friends who loves the beach, or gets sad when they watch a certain movie, or that I'm not the only person my age who still hasn't found the love of their life. I do feel as though it's about the bigger picture, about not wanting to be alone in this world and taking anything we can get, even if it is only interaction with a screen.

All of that being said, I do wish that people would spend more time with me outside of that little world we've created on the www. Alas, it does not happen as often as I'd like. I try to stay truly connected as much as I can, but it's difficult.

As far as the title of this blog is concerned...well...just because we are "connected" doesn't mean I want to see all of the cute mushiness that comes along with being a Facebook couple. Seriously, it's sickening. Ok...some of it's kind of sweet, but there are days (and I'm going to assume that I'm having one now) that I look at that stuff and think, really, really, you are going to put all of that saccharin laced verbiage out there for the world to see. End rant? I guess I will, for today, end my rant and let go of the fact that although I complain about the sweetness, if I were being totally honest, it is because I am jealous. But, shh, don't tell anyone.

My Tendency to Overthink

I think that my tendency to overthink has something to do with the fact that I am a female. I am not sure if the male brain is programmed to overthink, but I know that I do it on a regular basis. And this isn't even in reference to my dealings with the opposite sex, although I will touch on this in a little bit...I am talking about over analyzing every little thing in life.

Let's take for example, a recent interaction with a close friend. All of the sudden she had disappeared. She was no longer my friend on Facebook, so I did a search for her and couldn't find her anywhere...so I wasn't the only one who no longer had her as a friend. So I tried to text her and she didn't answer. All of the sudden, all I could think was, what did I do wrong? I was devastated really. I couldn't imagine what I could have done that would have made her not want to talk to me anymore. Well today, I got a note from her on my desk at work. She had stopped by and said we had tons to catch up on and that she was having her phone turned back on Thursday. I felt so incredibly silly, but this is how my brain works.

I would love to be nonchalant about everything, but that is not how I am programmed. Most days I pretend that it doesn't rip my heart out that people I once considered my best friends no longer have time for me. I have had to push them out of my head because it hurts really bad and cuts pretty deep. I have a rough exterior...I consider it my greatest form of self-defense. But on the interior...I'm soft as mush. I would imagine I'm very similar to a turtle. I have a tough shell that protects me from the great big, ugly world, but without that shell I wouldn't last very long. I am the same way. I have that rough exterior because I know without it I wouldn't survive.

I generally don't let many people past that rough exterior (most people probably think they are, but that's the brilliance in my design). I have been hurt too many times to let people do it again, which is why I have to push these people to the side. I just got tired of making people a priority when I was only an option for them (I know...not very original). I'm better than that though, really. I deserve to have people in my life who want to spend time with me (what a crazy concept). So...I suck it up and climb back into my shell and let these things pass by me knowing that I can easily get to the other side.

So much for not overthinking things...

Now...when it comes to the opposite sex. I have decided that they are simpler than we make them...so I don't spend as much of my energy trying to figure them out. The key to not overthinking is to not think at all. I believe I will leave you with that jewel and let you ponder it's supreme genius.

Leadership

Today I submitted an assignment for my master's class on my definition of leadership and I felt like sharing. So feel free to take a peek and see if you could agree with my view of this word.

Leadership. This is a word that means different things to different people. I see leadership as the ability to guide people in a certain direction without force, to lead people in a direction that they feel a part of, and to be an inspiration through example. Telling people what to do and convincing people to do something are two completely different approaches to getting things done. Many believe that being in a position of authority makes you a leader, but it takes more than that. A leader is someone who can influence those around them without using their authority to do it. 

 Leadership creates an environment of high morale that leads to productive outcomes. It is impossible to lead when those around you begin to doubt what is going on or believe that they are not a part of it. Creating a sense of self-investment fosters the idea that the outcome is not only beneficial to all parties involved, but is also essential to the individual’s role in the company. This type of leadership creates a win-win environment where each person is directly affected by the plan of action. 

Without strong leadership an idea or concept will remain just that, an idea or concept. It takes a great leader to see those ideas and concepts to fruition, and it is taking the initial step out of the box that inspires people to follow them through that process. To lead by example is what people are looking for. People are looking to be inspired. Leadership understands these principles and uses them to make things happen. 

Like I said, I just kind of felt like sharing. I felt as though this were an excellent description of leadership and I would be able to defend it without a doubt.

Addiction or Obesession

I have a problem. I have too many addictions, or maybe they are obsessions. I suppose I am not quite sure which they are. So...I looked them up...

Addiction is defined as a compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful.

Obsession is defined as a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling; broadly : compelling motivation.

Looking at these two different definitions I would probably say that I have more of an obsession than anything else. I hate them. I watch too much tv. I prefer to be lazy and not go to the gym. I think I tend to have a bit of an obsessive personality. When I like something or want something I am stuck on it. I sit around and think about it and I can never seem to get it out of my head. I don't know why I am like this or why I can't seem to get past it. And why? WHY? Can my obsessions not be healthy ones. You know...like going to the gym and eating rabbit food? *smile* I tend to hold on to these things that drive me down and make me feel less about myself.

I have always considered most of my habits to be addictions. I am addicted to Tijuana Flats. I am addicted to certain television shows. I am addicted to music and I am addicted to these thoughts of you. I just don't feel as though I can call them obsessions, but maybe I am wrong.

I think it is time to form some healthy obsessions. I will try to go to the gym more often. I will try to turn off the television. I will read more. I will save money. I will be obsessive about these things. I mean...if I have these obsessive, destructive habits, what's to say that I can't form equally benefiting obsessions that will lift me up and make me better?

That is my new goal I believe. Out with the old Jessica and in with the new! Here we go. Let's get obsessed!

Jumping in Head First

Let's jump head first in to the shallow water. We might not survive, but at least we can say we took the risk.

I think that the risk of heartbreak might be the single greatest risk that one could ever take. They say it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but is it really? I don't think anyone could convince me that experiencing love could truly be worth the loss. I suppose I say this because I have never been that close to real, genuine love. When I do get close I run as far away as I can. I can't remember one guy who I let in that didn't hurt me in some way, and so I leave up this barricade that keeps them out.

So here we are, standing on the cliff knowing that we could be risking it all and trying to weigh out whether or not the risk is worth it. Your heart has been mishandled and you're not sure that you want to take the chance that it might be bruised again, or worse yet, broken. I have yet to find someone who I believe can truly love me, and I'm still not sure that you are that guy. Neither of us wants to take the step, but we are both tired of staring at the water. It should be easier, this whole love thing, but it's not. I feel as though I go round in circles waiting for someone to stop me and say, "hey...go that way", and get me out of this eternal groove. I need to break out of this reel that has me continually coming back to this same exact place.

I think mostly I am scared that you could actually be the one. I never actually imagined that love would be slow growing. I always thought it would be instantaneous. I believed that I would be swept off my feet and madly in love, but this feeling that I have right now has developed over time. This feeling has grown from respect and admiration. It was never my intent to fall for you, and I don't want to admit that I have. I pretend as though you mean nothing to me, yet all the while you have burrowed your way in my heart. Stupid burrowing man who has taken residency in my heart...you're like an infestation. And yet, I cannot deny that you have my complete attention. I'm addicted to you, and I'm not quite ready to break the addiction.

So...do we jump, or are we just going to stand here and stare at the possibilities?

Decisions

I have never been good at making decisions. I always just went with whatever fell into my lap and never thought much about what I would do if I were faced with any real decisions. This is why I have had such a hard time deciding what I will do when it comes to my masters degree. It has been one of the biggest decisions of my life and it is causing me to stress more than I think I ever have (which is saying a lot if you know me).

I don't know why decisions have never been easy for me to make, but I have always taken the easy path. As I look ahead I am scared out of my mind that I can't see past the bends in the road. What might be ahead scares me more than just standing still. I hate that though. I think that this stagnancy is what is holding me back and keeping me in the dark. I love the thought of moving forward, but my greatest fear is that I will take the wrong path and end up making a U-turn that costs me time and effort. I wish my fear were not so paralyzing. It keeps me from doing anything, which is just as bad as making the wrong choice.

I guess I will take a deep breath and jump, and hope that I land in the deep end and not get cut off in shallow water. I don't know if I will make the right decision, but I just know that I have to make one.

Maybe I'm the Moron

Even though I don't think of myself as a beautiful woman, or that I even think of myself as a woman at all, I know that guys in general find me attractive. In the last couple of years I have had my fair share of suitors. None of them are even close to what I would want in an actual relationship, but they like me none the less and keep me on my toes. Most of them are nothing but flirtations that don't even have a small hope of going anywhere, and then there are the few who actually like me more than I like them (which is odd to me).

Then there is the one. I don't know why I feel the way I do about him. When I am with him I'm happy. I have tried to fight the feelings...or hope they just go away, but they just never do. He's the one who's a moron...and I know that he is. I would lay my life down for him and I hate that about me. I hate that even though I fight these feelings, most of the time I just don't want to.

And he confuses me. I thought that things were great...that we could just be friends...but then he always wants more, but not everything. I just don't understand. I know that the last girl did a real number on him...that she ripped his heart out and did a dance around it and then on it. I wish I could fix it and that he would let me. But he won't. And so I give my heart to someone who can't give me theirs. I don't understand why I can't let him go. And therein lies what makes ME the moron.

Eventually I will get past this, and I will meet an amazing man who is right for me. I will let go of this guy...this guy who had me from the first moment and who can't seem to let go. I am moving towards a new chapter in my life and need for his new stage to begin without anything holding me down.

Guys are Morons...

I've decided that I am going to spend the next several months working on a writing project. I want to make sure that I stop on here and update the world on my life. I know that no one really cares, but I like thinking that maybe some random person gets on here and reads what is happening in my life and saying, wow...my life isn't that messed up after all.

Today I posted on Facebook that "Guys are morons"...which then induced an insane amount of responses from guys who are my friends. The truth is that today I finally stood up for myself to a guy who I let take advantage of me for over a year. It wasn't easy, but right now...I feel so much better than I did. We started seeing each other in November of 2009 and continued seeing each other on and off until January of this year...and then...all of the sudden...he stopped talking to me...without explanation. Then I heard he was seeing someone...and it hurt...it broke my heart. I cried for days and I could barely do my job. Hearing his voice or seeing his face added to my hurt and all I wanted to do was escape. I finally started to heal...to feel whole again...and then...he decided to grace me with his presence again...and I felt the hurt all over again. The last few weeks have been so hard...and today I let him know that I couldn't do this anymore.

It hurt and I wanted to cry...but right now...I know that not having him in my life will make my life better.

I am currently in the process of letting God have complete control, but that's so much easier said than done...I am no where near close to where I want to be...but I'm closer than I was. I am going to take these next few months and use them to the best of my ability. I am tired of excuses. I want to see results...

Beautiful...the other four letter word

Recently I was looking through old pictures for my brother's wedding when I ran across pictures of me as a baby. I've seen many pictures from my childhood, but these had somehow never gotten around for my viewing pleasure. My mom says I've seen them, and then she quickly said..."Well, you were there"

Whatever the case may be, I do not remember ever seeing these pictures, but as I sat in the floor looking through them I couldn't help but thinking, "Wow, I was a beautiful baby". I oohed and ahhed over the pictures as though I were looking at someone else's child.

I've never been comfortable with the word beautiful. It used to drive my mom crazy, because I have no problem saying that I am cute and maybe even pretty, but beautiful is not an adjective I feel properly describes me. As I looked at those pictures, I realized that beauty had touched me at one point. I still don't feel comfortable saying that I am beautiful. My sister, she's the beauty in our family. Her dark complexion and dark eyes always made her look exotic and mysterious. Her hold on beauty was always apparent. I, on the other hand, am a big goof ball with a silly personality. I have beautiful eyes, but beautiful is not something that encompasses my outward appearance. I think people consider this outlook to be modesty, but I honestly don't see myself as beautiful.

Looking at these pictures made me reevaluate the way I view myself. I need to take ownership and the creation that God made me. I should be able to say that I'm beautiful, although I do believe it will take me quite a while for that to happen, but I know that one day I will be brave enough to say it.

So...beautiful...not such a scary word after all.

My Heart On a String...

It's been a while since I've written. Mostly because I've been keeping other blogs and because I'm trying to keep a "by hand" journal. I guess today I just need to talk to someone, so you are it. I have been blessed with some amazing friends, and I know that things never stay the same between friends and that people grow apart and priorities change. I do understand that. I guess it just doesn't make it easy that we were close once and now we feel so distant.

This is one of those times when being single SUCKS! It sometimes feels like all of the people in my life are moving forward when all I do is stay where I am. I hate this feeling of being stagnant. I just want to find where I fit. It's funny, because my life has always been like this. When I was in college, even though I had a lot of "friends" and pretty much everyone knew who I was...I didn't have many people I was really all that close to, and even fewer who included me in social activities. I sometimes think I was involved in activity coordinating so that I could have a social life. I was very lonely in college and I feel like I continue in that loneliness on a regular basis. There are just times when it's more prevalent and I guess now is one of those times.

I suppose more than anything I wanted to talk to someone about my loneliness. It's kind of funny that it's the great wide world of internet where maybe one or two people will pick up on it. I just needed to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening ;)

What happened to August?

I thought to myself today...time to get back to writing...and I realized that I did not post one thing in the entire month of August. I will have to say that is due in large part to the fact that the month of August was kind of a blur. Our schedule at work has been insane and I have been trying my hardest to live my life and get things in order.

I am still not sure what they heck is going on with me. I think I have things figured out and as soon as I feel that way...everything changes and I go back to being unsure. My life is kind of crazy right now. I have been all over the place. Even this writing feels helter skelter.

I can't even complete my thoughts...they are so all over the place...some day...I'll get it right...some day...

Music = ♥

I am sitting here listening to my Kate Nash Pandora radio station and I am in the best mood ever. I feel like I could just burst with all of this upbeat peppiness that I have going on right now. It's lovely. I love how music can do that to you. It has a way of calming you or taking you out of a bad mood and instantly putting a smile on your face. Kate Nash is BRILLIANT! Her songs have this way of making everything better.

After weeks in a funk I feel like I am beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I hate depression. I hate anxiety. The last three weeks of my life have sent me down this journey into the depths of despair. And then I think about one of my favorite movies...and the conversation between Anne and Marilla -

ANNE: Can't you even imagine you're in the depths of despair?

MARILLA: No, I can not. To despair is to turn your back on God

I don't want to turn my back on God. I need to run towards Him now more than I ever have before. My life has kind of taken me over and it's been a scary run. I don't tell people this, and since this thing is rarely read I guess I can place my thoughts upon these pages without fear...but last week I sat in my bed, taken over by the uncontrollable sobs that wouldn't stop and I remember thinking, I don't want to die, I don't want to die...and then it became I don't want to want to die. I would never try to kill myself again, but I hate when the thought that death would be easier than anything else pop into my head. I hate it SO much!

I have an amazing life...and I have finally figured out where I want to see my life to go. It's scary sometimes...because there are things I want that I don't know when will come in to play. And I think sometimes I get to a point where I just don't understand why some things haven't happened for me...but God know more than I do...So I will just trust him :)

So...I will sit here and listen to my Kate Nash radio station full of Regina Spektor, Tegan and Sara, and Lily Allen. And I will smile...and dance...and love life!

Getting Harder to Breathe...

When the words leave my head and find their way on to the pages I feel a relief. It is therapeutic to somehow get these things out of me. These last few weeks have me spiraling down into a deep depression that scares me. I haven't felt this way in years and I don't know what is keeping me here. I hate this more than anything else in the world.

My life is great. I have a good job, a loving family, and some pretty decent friends. I don't have anything to be sad about or upset about. I don't have any reason to be anxious, but I feel as though I've lost all control of reality. As much as I know that these things are real, I can't quite get a grip. I feel anxious and nervous, and I've never been so paranoid in my life. I am freaking out and I can't seem to get back on solid ground.

I am having to remind myself to breathe, and it's getting harder than it should be. I keep thinking I will wake up and that things will be back to normal. I keep thinking that I'm going get it together...but it's getting harder to actually believe it. I need to step back and let life just happen.

I don't know what's going to happen, or when I will level out...but I need it to happen soon!

I Say I Don't Care

I think I'm trying to find reasons to hurt. I think I am trying to punish myself...or make myself feel worse about who I am. I don't know why I keep doing this. I am desperately hurting right now and I can't quite seem to make it stop. I feel torn inside...and I don't fully understand why. I honestly feel like someone has ripped my heart out and is having the time of their lives stomping it to shreds. I know that no one is trying to hurt me...but I'm hurting anyways.

Today I sent out random text messages of encouragement...because I thought that it would make me feel better...instead...I feel worse. I feel even more alone...and I know that I'm not. I know that people love me and that I am well liked. I hate this! I seriously hate this. I feel like a child writing these words. I feel silly and immature. I want to throw my phone away and disconnect from every form of social interaction...because they don't make me feel more connected...they make me feel more alone. I am DONE being alone. I just deactivated my facebook account...and tonight I vow to stop sending text messages to people. I don't want to spend the every night stuck in front of a computer crying because I am hurting so bad.

Seriously...ridiculous...and I can't talk to anyone about this...because it SOUNDS RIDICULOUS!!! I hate this...and I don't care...I just don't care.

And so I cry myself to sleep once again...this sucks! God please take away these tears...please...

I Miss You

I know that I didn't make a mistake. I know that you are not the right guy for me, and I know that I am not the right girl for you. You and I are so different...but I thought we were friends. For three months...you were the most important person in my life. I don't know how to go from that to not being your friend. It feels like you have figured out the secret to this...I wish you'd share it. I want to talk to you every day, but I know that I am torturing myself...because no matter how many times I text you...you hardly ever respond...and even if I get a response it is cold and distant.

I miss you. I miss talking to you and being your friend. I miss your friends and feeling like I am part of something. I miss my second family. I miss the church. It is so hard for me to have gone from changing my life so much and living my life in your world to being completely pushed out of it. I know that it was my choice...but I didn't know it would be mean all of this.

I'm sorry that I hurt you. It was never my intention. I loved you...I do love you. It hurts because I know that no matter how much I love you we will never be right for each other. It hurts because I can't be what you need. I am sad that we're not able to be in each others lives anymore...I wish it could be different.

You will always be in my heart...even if I am far from yours. I just want you to know...even if you never read this...I miss you...

My Mid-year's Resolutions

I have a habit of making lists that I never actually get around to getting around to. I make lists of what I want to do for a day, a week, in five years...but I am standing here at a year and a half away from my 30th birthday and I think it's about time to stop playing around and start getting down to business. I want to get serious about the changes I want to see in my life I want to write the words down in a place that I will constantly come back to and see them staring back at me. Does that mean I'll actually get them accomplished? I don't know...but it's worth a shot, right?

-I want to get back to God. I have been running for so long and I had finally gotten to a good place and then, just as easily I slipped back into a routine that continually pulled me away from him. I want to spend time in devotions and prayer every day. I want to find a church that I feel comfortable in and that allows me to worship freely.

-I want to finally lose this weight that I have said for years that I would lose and have instead gained more that I need to lose. I want to get up every morning and work out. I want to eat right, not just because it's the right thing to do, but because one day when I do have a family I want them to come into this world with health a priority and life to be lived without the self-confidence issues I've always faced, and I need to find that balance now so that my children never have to. I want to enjoy going to the gym...I want it to be something I do even when I don't feel like it because I know it's what I need to do. I want to be strong...and I really, really, really want to start dancing again. I miss being able to let dance be the way I express myself other than writing.

-I want to write! I want to make writing a daily part of my routine. I want to finish a novel. I want to write something meaningful. I want to blog on a regular basis. I need to write. I need to get these words out of my head and on to the pages. No one in this world ever has to see them, or appreciate them, but this is something I need to do for me.

-I want to have deeper, more meaningful relationships with people. I want to be ok with not having a "group of friends" that I hang out with all the time, as long as I can have friendships that are lasting...that will last despite distance and time. I want to know that if my friend moves to Africa, we will still be friends because the relationship we have now is more than hanging out...but something real and deep that is strong and will hold up against all odds.

-I want to stop being so hard on myself. I want to be able to admit that sometimes things hurt me and that I don't always have to be perfect for everyone...I just have to be me. I get so tired of trying to live up to some standard that I have in my head that I think everyone is expecting me to live up to...but I'm the only who has to live with my choices and who I am...so I want to stop thinking about other people as much...and think about myself a little more.

I think those will be the things I will start on. I want to live a life that I can one day look back and be proud of. I need to stop missing out because I'm too scared. I am looking forward to these next few months...because it is my goal to make my life a better thing before the end of the year...I guess you could call this my mid-year's resolution list. :)

Wish It Didn't Hurt...

So I'm sitting here tonight trying not to feel sorry for myself. I think sometimes that I am exactly the same as I was when I was the very scared 13 year old who didn't like herself and felt so very alone. I am well liked...I always have been. People want to be my friend. I am the girl that everyone wants to be around when they need to feel better about themselves. Jessica is the girl who is encouraging and who is funny...but there must be something wrong with me...there must be something that keeps people away.

I feel silly really...sitting here crying as I type these words. I try to convince myself that how I am feeling is just some hormonal imbalance...or maybe I'm depressed and need to be on medication. There has to be a logical explanation for these feelings of loneliness and pain.

I hate this. I know that I am an amazing person and that people do love me and that I have many friends. But there are so many days that I feel completely ignored. I lost one of my best friends and I hate that he's mad at me. I hate that I let myself get so close to someone and then because I didn't feel the way he wanted me to I got pushed away. I hate that there are amazing guys in my life that would make excellent choices, but who I find myself not attracted to in that way. I hate that I have let myself become this person who barely recognizes herself anymore. It's easier for me to be in meaningless relationships...because I know in the end...they can't hurt me.

Sometimes I wish for nothing more than to escape...to run away and become someone new. To start all over again...somewhere where no one has expectations...and if I mess up no one will think twice about it. They will see me as they do everyone else.

Right now I am in so much pain...and I have been for years...and I don't know how to get out of it. I try...and I get so close...but right when I'm at the brink of freedom I get dragged back down into this pit...and right now I'm just too tired to try and get out. So I will sit here in my misery and I will be alone. I will try to do this on my own...in my own way...and I will not allow anyone to help me and I will be scared and I will be broken...and I will hurt.

I am tired now from these tears...and I don't even know if this post makes any sense. I hate that I care what he thinks of me. I hate that it hurts...but I know it was my choice...not his and that is why I live with it. I hate that I just can't find a place to fit...will I always be this oddly shaped piece that no one can seem to figure our which puzzle I belong to? Why is it that everyone else seems to find friends...and I am always alone? It hurts so very badly...it hurts it hurts it hurts

I'm tired of these tears tonight...so I will go to bed and try to think of other things...pleasant things...a life full of lovely moments...even if they have to be lonely moments.