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I much prefer the sharpest criticism of a single intelligent man to the thoughtless approval of the masses

Alone for the Holidays

I read this bulletin from Rachel and wanted to repost it here. It made me cry because I am so many of those things. I hate feeling like I will never be good enough. I hate this feeling of inadequacy. I want, just once, to mean something to someone. I hate the tears that fall down my face, because each one reminds me that I am alone. Will I ever find someone who loves me the way that someone is meant to be loved?

I have only been in love once and I suppose that person knows who they are, but I would die if they ever admitted it. I loved him, and I still do (although in a different way). I'm scared that I will never love anyone else that much (and that REALLY, REALLY scares me). I think more than anything this is why I don't like this time of the year, because, even surrounded by so many people, I feel so very alone.

I truly believe that the only thing left for me to do is give up. I will never find love, and I have to be ok with that. Please don't give me the "Jessica you will find someone," "Jessica you are a beautiful person," "Jessica, everything is going to work out." Honestly, I've heard now for almost six years...I just can't keep hoping only to be continuously disappointed.

Please forgive my Christmas downer, but this is how I feel right now. Struggling for breath and bleary-eyed from tears. I leave with a Merry Christmas.

Until Next Time



-To every girl who wants to be called beautiful not hot.


-To every girl that will spend her whole day looking for the perfect birthday present for you.


-To every girl who gets her heart broken because he chose the other girl instead.


-To every girl who is nice to everyone no matter who they are.


-To every girl that would die to have a decent boyfriend.


-To every girl that won't settle for the jerk.


-To every girl who would just like once to be treated like a princess.


-To every girl that cries at night because of another HeArTBrEaK.


-To every girl that won't get down on her knees and open her mouth just to get a boyfriend.


-To every girl that just wants to hold hands.


-To every girl that kisses him with meaning.


-To every girl who just wishes he CARED.


-To every girl that just wants to cuddle.


-To every girl that just wants to sleep (no sex) with him.


-To every girl that is scared to put her heart out there again because she has been hurt so many times. (so true!)


-To every girl who shows how much she cares and gets nothing back.


-To every girl that thought maybe this could be the one.


-To every girl that believes in her dreams.


-To every girl that would do anything so she could achieve them.


-To every girl that laughs at stupid stuff when she actually does think it is funny.


-To every girl who is just looking for that one and only and is having a rough time along the way.


-To every girl that has been cheated on because she's not the kind of girl who gives it up to any guy.


-To every girl that doesnt want a guy who just plays wit her emotions but actually CARES about how she feels.


-To every girl who wants words backed up with actions.


- To every girl that fell for all the lies only to find themselves alone in the end.


**To every girl that gave her heart away to have it shoved back in her face.**

THIS ONE IS FOR YOU.

Unchained and Unfree

Do you ever feel as though your life is nothing but a paradox? You live in a moment when your being pulled in two different directions. Nothing makes sense and everything makes sense. You want everything and nothing. Your life is pulling you apart and you don't know how to stop it.

My life is constantly pulling me in different directions. I see my life through clouded goggles and I wonder if things will ever be clear again. I know that life is never easy and always difficult, but there are days when I wish I were a child again and I didn't even have to make the simple choices. Have you noticed that the older you get the more responsibility you have? ALWAYS LET YOUR MOM PICK OUT YOUR CLOTHES!!!! I mean really, that is such a simple choice, yet we make it so difficult. What to eat, what to do, where to go, how to live...we begin to be bombarded with choices and we learn that we don't know as much as we always thought we did.

I want to be a child again, when the toughest choice was red or orange (popsicle that is). I feel as though I am free to make my own choices, but bound by society and parental expectations. I want to be free, yet I want to be the child again, where everything is so simple, everything is so easy.

I suppose we shall see. I look forward to the year ahead. I'm sure it will be full of even more adventures and I plan on sharing all of them with you. Stay tuned...this is going to be a wild ride!

Lost in Anticipation

I haven't written in a while, for my few and faithful I do apologize. I guess there really hasn't been a lot going on my life as of recent. I am working on the end of school. I have two more days and then it's over. I haven't spent much time thinking on my guy problems, or lack there of. I guess I have been thinking a lot about my future. Where do I want to go, what do I want to do, when will I ever figure all of this out...I am ready to start a family. I would like to be a mom in the next two to three years...but I am worried that is not the plan for me. I want it to be so badly, but I have this aching feeling that I will never get that opportunity.

I want stop pretending that I am ok with it. Everyone says that it will happen when you least expect it. They say that you will find it when you are satisfied with where you are at...what I want to know is why didn't it. I've been in those places where I was happy with my life, when everything was going great and I wasn't looking for anyone...Why didn't it happen then? Why do I have to keep waiting. This waiting thing is killing me...not waiting for the right person, but waiting to find out whether or not I am ever going to find that person.

I saw my ex tonight. For the first time in almost a year. It was crazy. We didn't really talk, but he reminded me of the failed relationship that I so desperately clung to. I wanted to be able to say I was over everything that happened, I wanted to be able to say that I had moved on, and that there was a man in my life. Not a boy...a man...I wanted to, but instead I was bitterly reminded that I am alone. I have not moved on, I have not moved past it. Who knows, maybe I am scared of commitment. Maybe I am scared that I will never be good enough.

There is another thing that is persistently threatening me. I have the problem with my self-esteem. I see these other girls and think..."Why WOULDN'T a guy rather be with them than me?"...I know that there is so much more that I have to offer than a great body. I have an amazing personality. I get along with so many people. I'm funny, I make people laugh...but I am always the bridesmaid and never the bride...Wishing the day would come sooner...
Jess

Dinner with the "Girls"

Last night I sat at Beef O'Brady's with my good friends Gin and Drea. Talk is never cheap with them, and we maxed out our credit cards last night. There were a few times when I couldn't catch my breath I was laughing so hard! Here are a few quotes from dinner...not that anyone will actually understand our random ramblings...but they sure were funny...and who knows, if you ask I might actually tell you...

"You'll never guess what I found in my parents' bedroom..." - Jess

"It's like eating Chocolate..." - Drea

"You don't want to eat chocolate with your roommate..." - Jess

"Dark Chocolate is the best..." -Drea

"Did you know that women eat more chocolate than men?" - Gin

"Wait, do you mean chocolate...or "chocolate"?" - Drea

Oh ladies...I can't even think of more...well none that wouldn't be embarrassing for me...thanks for the comments...

Jess

Fighting Within...

Last night I felt something stirring within me. I wanted to jump and scream and shout! I have come to a point again where my spirit is sensitive to what is going on around me. I see things and God begins to reveal specifics to me. I know that I am nowhere near perfect, but I felt something in the pit of my stomach last night. If we as Christians cannot get along, if we cannot turn the other cheek, then how are we to minister to those outside the church, or even in it. We need to begin holding ourselves to a higher standard. Are we living like we should? Are we taking the steps neccessary to be called a Christian?

I believe Satan is trying all he can to tear down the walls of unity in the church, and until we fight against him, he will continue to succeed. I want to see the church begin to heal within, because a broken church cannot minister to a broken people. We must be whole in order to help them become whole. I am ready to take this stand. I am ready to do what it takes to bring unity and wholeness back to Christianity. We cannot take the splinter out of our brother's eye when we ourselves have a plank.

Do not take these words lightly...but take them as a challenge. Join me in this fight and we will stand a better chance.

Keep Him First,
Jess

I don't know...

This weekend has been interesting...and not interesting all in one. On Friday I was home alone. My plan was to stay in my jammies...and watch Harry Potter all night long...but I had cabin fever and needed to get away...so my good friend Gin came and we went to the mall...I got Faith's Christmas present and saw my sister!

Saturday I went up to the church at the butt crack of dawn to watch the kids that didn't show up. I did get to talk to Liz a lot and that was fun! I am glad that she and I are beginning to hang out more. She's a lot of fun and I need more friends...oy with the poodles already...

Today has been good. I don't know...I have this feeling in the pit of my stomache. I feel nervous and anxious all at the same time, and I randomly want to start crying. I hate feeling this way. I am an unexpected ball of emotions and I don't want to blow up at anyone of confuse anyone or make anyone mad...I hate being me...I really genuinely do. I know everyone questions how that could be, but I feel like my heart is shattered into a million pieces and I'm never going to be whole again.

I'm not even talking about just the guy issue, but every time I turn around I feel like I see something else wrong with me. One more thing that I need to fix. One more reason why no one will ever love me. One more reason why things will never be how I want them to be. I don't know...maybe some day everything will fall into place...but maybe not...maybe this is how I will be forever...

My Heart Can't Take Much More...
Jess

(Jing...I calmed down...don't worry about me)

Falling to Pieces...

My life feels as though it is falling apart. I don't know how to stop it! I want everything to just go back to the way it used to be...I wish I had never moved to Florida. I want to go back and be a kid...I want to do it all over again! I hate my life. I feel like at any moment I will break and feel the same as I did ages ago. I don't want to feel like that...but I'm on the verge...

Today my life seemed to keep getting worse...I know it could be a lot worse and I should be thankful that I still have my life...I should be thankful that I still have my family, but today I just want to wallow in my misery...I have no car...I think that I killed my cell phone...I thought my purse had been stolen (praise God it's here)...I feel as though I am never going to get caught up...I feel as though my life is headed in a downward spiral that will never end...HELP!!!!! I want to throw myself off a bridge and be done with it...

Ok, I don't mean that, but I just wish I could make sense of all of this...maybe one day everything will feel as though it is whole...but until then I am here...in pieces...

Jess

LOVE

What a nasty four letter word. It has become something we throw around loosly as though it holds little meaning. "'I like my Sketchers but I love my Prada back pack' 'But I love my Sketchers'...'That's because you don't have a Prada backpack'" Seriously, we love our family, that a given, but we love a restraunt, or a tv show, or a movie...soon we have begun to love everything...but was love ever meant to be such a nonchalant word? I have just been thinking about how easy it is for us to say we love something or someone. I know that I love my friends and generally when I say I love someone it is in that platonic way...so how do we begin to destinguish between the love we have for friends, family, and objects...from the love that we have for God?

For God so loved the word that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosever believeth in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life...Now that is real love. Seriously...how can we distinguish the loves in our lives? I want to know, because I feel that the lines between these meanings have begun to blur and we as Christian need to help clear it up...

Until All Have Heard,
Jess

Jessica + Roadtrip = Disaster

Oh my goodness guys! You will never guess what happened (unless someone already told you, then you are not guessing you are already holding the answer)...You all know that I went to Kentucky with my brother for Thanksgiving...well we headed back yesterday (Friday) and everything was going well...until we hit Georgia...I am not really liking Georgia right now...I know I know...it's not the states fault that I had a crappy car (note the word had)...

So I drove all the way from Madisonville...we were almost to Macon and I let Brandon take over...now I know that what is about to be told is not his fault...I'm not blaming him so you shouldn't either...The car died in the middle of a three lane highway...Brandon was of course in the lane farthest from the shoulder and had to go across three lanes to get us safely off the road...He had to wake me up because poor Jessica was trying to take a short nap...I definately woke up!...I called dad and he said I would need to call the police and find a tow truck...blah blah blah...so I did said thing and a half hour later I am stuck in the middle of Georgia...just the right distance between Florida and Kentucky...sadness...

So, come to find out my engine is shot...We are stuck there...So my dad had to drive all the way to Georgia to pick us up...we paid the place to keep my car...yes, we paid them to keep the car that I just spent too much moolah trying to fix...and then we left...and so here I am...in desperate need of a shower...tired...and without a car...right now I hate Georgia...more importantly I hate the stupid car that we drove...oy with the poodles already...I am sorry...life right now is sad...

Please be praying the God provide the funds neccessary for me to purchase a new vehicle within the next three or four months...

In despair...
Jess

Happy Birthday To Me...

So today is my birthday. I feel old. After today the countdown to 25 begins. I know this will not sound wierd to my regular viewers (if there are any of those out there) because I am always talking about the lack of relationship issue in my life. When I was in college I thought that I was the only one who wasn't married or in a relationship, but then I realized I was so young, so I thought...I'll be married by the time I am 25...wow...that is so close and impossible to achieve. So I guess I will continue on this path...I know it will come...and thank you to those of you who encourage me on a regular basis.

I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving...don't eat too much...but have fun and take time to let someone know what you are thankful for...

I am thankful for my family...
friends...
freedom...
love...
life...
ability to see things differently...
second chances...

I'm a Hopeless Case...

Well...a hopeless romantic anyways...I wrote this a few weeks ago...

"There are times in our lives when we meet a person who takes our breath away. Each moment spent with them feels too short and every moment spent apart feels like an eternity. They make you smile and wipe your tears away. No matter what happens you feel as though they are the best thing that could have ever happened to you. It's hard to explain to others how your heart races and your mind can't even think. You are taken away by a rush of emotions that are unfamiliar to you. Life seems to hold more meaning."

I think it is amazing how we see things. I mean, that feeling seemed so real to me. I guess it was more like a balloon ready to be popped. I should have seen it coming. I should have known that it wasn't right for me...but you have no ideal how much I wish it were. It's never right. Never the right time, the right guy, the right moment, the right anything, and so I am here at this point again...wishing to rewind these last two weeks...not because I regret them...because I don't regret ANY of it!...but because there are some moments I wish I could change...

"Just friends" seems like a saying I've heard my entire life...for as long as I can remember I have just been one of the guys...I've never been the girlfriend (not really anyways)...both of the guys I dated were on the rebound after serious relationships...and here I am 24 in five days and the logest relationship I've had lasted four months...

Answer me this, is there something wrong with me...? Am I really that ugly! I mean, I know I'm not, but I feel like everytime I think there is a chance, it's gone.

I don't even want a serious relationship right now, just someone who will take me to dinner, or that I can just talk to...I miss my guy friends...I want another Scott (sorry Gin)...I miss having that...

Now I have to go before I cry...I don't want to cry...

One of Those Days...

So today has just been one of those days. I wake up, even though I want to turn over and fall back to sleep, get out of bed and get started. School has just become routine, and I need to do something to mix it up. I want the kids to have fun, but I can't think...maybe this break will help me get creative.

I come home and do nothing...watch House of Wax because I forgot how bad and extremely disgusting it was (I must have blocked it out of my memory)...I got something to eat with Megan...and then I decided to wash the dishes...boy was that a mistake...the glass broke and I sliced my finger...it was really gross...actually I almost passed out...I watched the blood flow from my finger, it was pretty nasty...

Besides that I have just been thinking about my love life...or the lack there of...I think right now I just hate feeling like I am alone. I don't know that I am ready for that ever after relationship. Maybe I just want someone...someone who makes me feel beautiful...someone who needs me, or at least wants me...I wish this feeling would go away! I want it to go away...!

This is why I have had one of those days...I need my mind to shut down, to just stop thinking...I need to just be.

A Day Past Sunday

I wake up each morning wishing to go back to sleep. I want time to stop and the world to slow down, but inevitably I must get out of bed and start the day. Tomorrow I want to wake up with a new hope and a new vision. I want to know that life is worth living, and that everything I do is worth it as long as I keep Him first. I must believe that there is more out there than a routine. I love life and I want to live it as much as I can.

"Preach the gospel and if necessary, use words!" I want this to be my life. I am ready to make that my commitment! I am ready to see God as the head of my life. You guys keep me in your prayers! Ask that God would guide me down the right path...that He would lead me in the way I should go. You guys are amazing, and I am so blessed to count you as friend...

Jess

Just One...

I know this probably sounds lame, but I was just watching tv and a girl was given the most romantic night of her life. I don't even have to have a relationship but I wish that I could just have one night of romance. I want a moonlit walk, daisies, dinner and a good night kiss.

I want to feel beautiful. To get dressed up and be treated like a princess. To be picked up, to have the door opened for me (all of them)...to be laughed with, to be taken somewhere unique, somewhere unexpected...I want to have a meaningful conversation, and then when I get cold I want an arm put around me.

Maybe it is all too much to ask for, but I wish I could have it...even if it is just one.

Today I think...

The sky will be bluer...
The sun will shine brighter...
A laugh will be common place...
Friendships will strengthen...
Love will be hoped for...
Family will mean everything...
Time will not be wasted...
Love will not be wasted...
Memories will come flooding in...
And all the things you hope for will come to pass...

Live today as though it were the last. You never know when tomorrow is no longer a possibility. You have the power to make things happen. I have the power to make things happen. Let's use our powers together to make the world a better place...(I just got the voice of Captain Planet in my head "With your powers combined...I am CAPTAIN PLANET!")

Jess

What do you think?

Ok, so I was thinking about making a list today...a list of all the qualities I want in my future mate...I know that some people believe that this helps...others believe it's a bunch of bull...I'm undecided

Honestly...I know what I want, but what about the little things?...how specific do you get?...are you meticulous and never settle until you get exactly what's on your list? I don't know...maybe that would be a good idea (I should write...doesn't look like Adam Sandler...as one of my qualities)...I just don't want to miss out...

Of course I wrote a very specific list for my Geo and God gave me exactly what I prayed for...so if he would honor my desires for a car...how much more would he honor my desires for a husband...? SIGH!!!

Today I Want to Die

Today I want to die...
I tried to let the tears kill me as I cried
Yet here I am still
Wanting something yet never will
Have the chance I thought I had
It came it went and that's too bad
I give up, that's just how it has to be
Because in the end I cannot think of me
Life would be easier if I weren't here
But that's a thought I can't adhere
to. My life has never been my own
And all I think I've ever known
Is living life for you, not me
I guess my life will never be
my own...
Today I wish I were not here...

This One's For You

There are days and times when lonliness consumes us and all we are left with is an empty feeling. These are the days we wish to ignore and choose to forget. Life almost seems pointless and we are left in the doubt that tomorrow will not hold the new possibilities that we wish to see. What we have to remember is that there is hope out there, we just have to hold on to it...

I remember the day I met him. Nothing really struck me as special, just another guy who was cute, but nothing more. At first there was nothing, just a friendship, a tiny seed that grew to more. I remember when the thought of more first entered my head. I honestly believed I must be crazy. What was I thinking? How was this going to work out? Everything around it seemed to be screaming, "You're crazy!"

Maybe there is still nothing there, but today there is the hope of something more. When that loneliness knocks at my door my mind is swollen with the thoughts of more. I give in and let them take away that once bitter pain. Love is out there somewhere, waiting for us all...I don't know if I have found it, I don't know if I ever will, but until that day I will keep holding on to that hope. Never give up!

I Can't Believe It...

Today was a work day for me. No students!!! It was brilliant. I got a lot accomplished and feel organized again. Once done with my work for the day I headed to Warner. I don't know why I do this, because I don't really know anyone there anymore. I guess it is the thought of seeing people I used to call friend that keeps me coming back...who knows.

When I went there today I found out that my ex is in town. It is all kind of crazy and hard to explain. I just know when I heard it I didn't know how to feel about it. But, my mind kept going over everything and I began to think about how long it has been since the last time I was kissed. It has been a little over a year now...very little over a year. This is insane. Not that I have to be kissed a lot to survive, I just can't believe it has actually been that long.

I don't know why this has been on my mind since this afternoon, but it has and that's it...sorry to unload my randomness on you.

Is This Real?

There are times in our lives when we meet a person who takes our breath away. Each moment spent with them feels too short and every moment spent apart feels like an eternity. They make you smile and wipe your tears away. No matter what happens you feel as though they are the best thing that could have ever happened to you. It's hard to explain to others how your heart races and your mind can't even think. You are taken away by a rush of emotions that are unfamiliar to you. Life seems to hold more meaning.

This may not sound believable, and I don't really think that it is, but I've felt this way recently. Nothing makes sense and I don't even believe that I am experiencing this. It can't be real. It has to be my imagination. I am scared of feeling this way, but I'm even more afraid that I will push it away. Maybe I'm not ready for something like this, maybe it's not the right time. I will continue breathing in and out until I know for sure where my life is headed. Until then, continue to think of me.

I Give Up...

So, I decided last night that I try too hard. I let myself get consumed with everything so much that my entire body feels the effects. Last night my body was shaking and my face was flushed and I felt as though my heart was going to beat out of my chest. Why I let myself get this way I will never know.

Honestly I must be getting on people's nerves...I am getting on my own. I am trying too hard...I am letting myself lose and I can't do it anymore...I give up...I'm swearing off guys forever (like that is really going to happen)...Maybe my New Year's resolution will be to not let a guy turn my world upside down...it's funny because I fool myself into believing that someone likes me, only to continually get discouraged...

I generally think of myself as a low maintenance kind of girl...but maybe I'm not...I continually seek reassurance and it is as though I never truly believe the good things that people say...I'm not beautiful, funny, fun to be with...I can't be...I try to ruin things before they even have a chance to begin because my self-esteem is lower than low. I hide it well in my outgoing personality, but when it comes to relationships, I have a hard time believing any of it...

I want to just go back, back to when relationships like this didn't matter to me, back when I was shy and quiet Jessica...I miss her, she wouldn't have even had the guts to flirt with someone way back when...I need to be her again.

Out of Place...

My life has always been different than others'. I am a little strange and most days I want something different than the others in my generation. When I was younger, I always had different priorities than my friends. While they were oohing and aahing over babies, I was playing cops and robbers with the boys, when they were oohing and aahing over boys, I had my nose in a book...I've always wanted different than my peers...

This fact has made me somewhat of an oddity. I never really fit in anywhere because I never held the same interests as those around me. Right now the majority of my friends are either married or in serious relationships, and while this is an important thing with me it is not up there on my priority list. I just feel out of place because my life is in a different place than their's.

I wish that feeling out of place was no big deal for me. I mean, I've felt that way my entire life, you would think I would be used to it by now. I miss Kendra...(my cousin)...she's the only one I never feel out of place with.

Someday I will fit in somewhere, but until that day I will stand out, and I must deal with that...so I leave you now..

I Just Need To Say...

Ok, I know that there has to be some kind of age limit on the guys I'm interested in...All the men/boys (sorry guys, some of you still rank as boys) are either too old (I mean old enough to be my dad old...or too young...like young enough to be my little brother who just started college young!

Is there no one in between? No one out there who will be just right? I don't know...the younger guy thing has always been there, but the old guy thing, I'm not sure I'm OK with that...The younger guy thing isn't really all that great either...oy vay! What am I going to do with me...

Again I say...sadness!

My Life and the Sadness of Things...

My life is generally bland...I have my friends, my family, my job...but sometimes it feels as though I am stuck in a rut. This weekend was interesting to say the least...I am a multi-faceted person, and anyone who knows me, knows that there are times when it seems I have no control over my emotions...this weekend was no exception...

My brother's roommate and my sister's best friend came to stay with us through the hurricane...which, well, let's face it...wasn't anything like we faced last year, so no skin here...Monday afternoon held us captive and burdened us with cabin fever...we had to get out of the house...and besides...we needed to take Grant back to SEU...so we decided to go to the Lakeland mall...sounded fun...I got to go hang out with my brother and his roommate...I would be the cool older sister...and then we ended up having another one of Brandon's friends go with us...and Brandon's girlfriend...so I felt like a chaperone on a double date...

I HATE BEING THE FIFTH WHEEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope everyone gets the picture there...anyways...on the way to pick up the ladies...my brother states that I might never get married...and that he is likely to get married before me...and he wouldn't be getting married for the next 4-6 years...I will be 30 in six years...I started crying...

My night was gone after that...I couldn't even pretend I was happy...I did get a really cute outfit...and I loved the people I was with, but I went from feeling like I was going to be the cool older sister...to the lame single sister who had nothing better to do than drive my brother and his friends to the mall...

This is beginning to depress me all over...so I believe I will stop...sadness

Some New Quotes

"Real love is more than a physical feeling. If there's even the slightest doubt in your head about a guy, then forget about it. It's not real." - Ethan Embry

"There is always some madness in love. But there is always some reason in madness." -Nietzche

"Success is simple. Do what's right, the right way, at the right time." - Arnold H. Glasgow

"It is what a man thinks of himself that really determines his fate." - Henry David Thoreau

Life is Such a Chore

As I talked to my mom today I relived moments from not so long ago...I remember when it was easier to put myself down than to lift myself up...I used to believe I could beat everyone to the punch...look how fat I am, ugly I am, stupid I am, or any other thing you throw in there that was derogatory...I hated being me.

I was young and stupid. I have learned, since then, that my life is more than the meaningless put downs that I used to fill my days with. I am beautiful, even if I don't always believe it. I am smart...no matter how stupid I act, and I am that friend, the one that you come to when no one else is around.

I'll keep my head up, and you do the same, because at the end of the day life is not as bad as it seems, and the rearview mirror is only passing guide.

Routine...Good or Bad?

Ok, anyone who knows me, knows that I am obsessed with movies. Tonight I sat and watched the new movie Crash. I was highly impressed with it. The R rating is necessary for the language...which was the worst part...but the best way I could describe this movie was highly poignant...I laughed...I cried...I screamed at the tv...(I'm telling you...I'm obsessed).

I think that we live in a world where racism and prejudice run rampant, but we overlook it because we choose to be ignorant. We are exactly what MLK Jr. spoke out against. We are the man who sits idlely by and does nothing. Who are we to think that we have no voice? Or that we shouldn't have a voice?

We are the only voice some people will ever hear, we must speak while we still have the chance.

Breakdown

Ok, anyone who knows me, knows that I am obsessed with movies. Tonight I sat and watched the new movie Crash. I was highly impressed with it. The R rating is necessary for the language...which was the worst part...but the best way I could describe this movie was highly poignant...I laughed...I cried...I screamed at the tv...(I'm telling you...I'm obsessed).

I think that we live in a world where racism and prejudice run rampant, but we overlook it because we choose to be ignorant. We are exactly what MLK Jr. spoke out against. We are the man who sits idlely by and does nothing. Who are we to think that we have no voice? Or that we shouldn't have a voice?

We are the only voice some people will ever hear, we must speak while we still have the chance.

Crash

Ok, anyone who knows me, knows that I am obsessed with movies. Tonight I sat and watched the new movie Crash. I was highly impressed with it. The R rating is necessary for the language...which was the worst part...but the best way I could describe this movie was highly poignant...I laughed...I cried...I screamed at the tv...(I'm telling you...I'm obsessed).

I think that we live in a world where racism and prejudice run rampant, but we overlook it because we choose to be ignorant. We are exactly what MLK Jr. spoke out against. We are the man who sits idlely by and does nothing. Who are we to think that we have no voice? Or that we shouldn't have a voice?

We are the only voice some people will ever hear, we must speak while we still have the chance.

Quote of the Week

"We are all Cyrano, all loving with no hope of true love in return...All Roxanne, loving an illusion of love...All Christian, loving with words that are not our own...All imperfect, parading our imperfections in spite of our fears, with one thought in mind, to play to the end, to risk all and to be left with that which is most dear..."

From Bigger Than the Sky...the words just struck a chord in me...beautiful and poignant.

On the Outside Looking In

To Those Who May Be Listening:

I love my life and I have for a while. If you don't know me, this is a big thing...I used to hate myself and had very low self-esteem (not that I still don't, it's just a lot better than it used to be). I love my job...every day presents a new challenge and every week I learn something new. My students make my day and my week.

The weekends are great, because I have been blessed with amazing friends. The down side right now is that I hate driving to Lakeland to do anything with them. Not that I don't want to, but when you've been up since five and you've been with kids all day long, most of the time you just want to chill. I think God is going to either have to move me closer to my friends, or give me new friends closer to me.

I don't know, I just feel what I have always felt...that I just don't belong. I've never fit in, and I've always been the outsider. Don't get me wrong, I am accepted anywhere I go, but I'm always on the outside looking in. Every now and then they see me and think they should invite me in...and that's how it has always been, but maybe someday I'll find that place where being on the outside is not an option.

I Love the Weekends!

Being a teacher has given me a newfound appreciation for the weekend. If you think about it, all it really is, is two and a half days of unstructured fun. Unless of course you plan every single moment of your life, in that case you are probably too stressed out to enjoy the weekend. But I now realize that I must take the weekend and run! Last weekend I went to the beach. This weekend the plans are up in the air. I think tonight might be my veg night. I love to rent movies and just chill. I don't do that much during the week.

For those of you clubbers who like to go out and have a good time, have fun! I am going to have a spa night and enjoy my moments of solitude! Until later.

Jess

Life is Such a Chore

In a world where things are fast and convenient, life seems as though it is more of a chore than it should be. We wake up and continue through our day doing one thing after another. Why do we work so hard? What is it we are working for? Success? Wealth? Power? Yet, how many of us are actually going to see these, despite how hard we work. And isn't it all subjective? I mean working hard to me could be goofing to you. So then my question remains...why is it that we live life like a chore?

I don't mean to sound like a pessimist, but today I realized how worn out I am. I guess you could say it has to do with the fact that I have never really had a real job and now I wake up every morning and get ready to mold the minds of the next generation. Most days this doesn't feel like a chore. It is exciting and challenging. It is the getting up so early and going to bed so late and having no time to do anything in between that often makes it feel like a chore.

I suppose life should lived as choice and that each day we should choose to give our best. But when we do have a bump in the road, a day when life feels more like chore, it is then that we must remember the choices we have. Love life or hate it, we must all do it.

Craziness is the Only Way to Describe It

My life has been a whirlwind of events since the last time I had a chance to write. My little brother started college and moved into his dorm. I can't believe how grown up he is. He also has this new girlfriend who is super sweet and really likes him. They are a very cute couple (not that it matters, but it doesn't hurt). Well, at any rate, I like her and we have added her into our family. Meg is working at Victoria's and going to school full time as well as doing an internship with Lake Wales Hospital. She is as busy as ever. No man in her life right now, but she knows there is more to life at the moment than that. Mom has taken on another job and is working all the time. She usually comes in from one job with enough time to change and make it to the next. Dad has started his internship. He loves it and we can't wait for him to graduate (neither can he!).

I am teaching now. I have a full time job teaching 7th grade reading. It is definately interesting. I just finished my first full week with the students and I am so tired. But I guess I could say it is in a good way. I have already established most of the good ones from the bad, but I am trying to give them all a chance and pull them out of their boxes and into the class as a whole.

Besides my new job I have also experienced a renewed passion in my spiritual life. I have been praying regularly and even reading my Bible, almost every day (I'm still working on that one). We recently had Heaven's Gates and Hell's Flames at the church and the first week we did it I had a need prayed over, something that has been holding me down for years, and it was broken that week. I have not had the same weight of sin over me and I am able to breathe for the first time in a long time. God has been so good and I can only thank him for what he is doing. I love him so much.

I think the one area that I am failing in right now is in my desire for a relationship. I am trying, with all of my heart, to trust God, but at the same time I feel like I keep falling further and fruther into a pit of despair. I know that I still have plenty of time to get married and have children, but at the same time, there is a large part of me that is shouting "When?" If you know me, you know this is something I continually struggle with. I seem to always find myself wishing and hoping for that life long relationship to begin. The thing that I see right now is that I want to get over my low self image or esteem. I keep saying, "If only I were pretty." Or, "That girl is much prettier than me, why wouldn't he want to be with her instead?" and I come up with a million reasons why that guy shouldn't be with me, but one time, just one time. I would like to think I was the best thing for him. My heart hurts, and the tears that I want to cry are inummerable. Why can't I just be content? Why do the longings continue to grow stronger? I want out of this. If it isn't going to happen then I want it to be over, no more desires for a family, no more desires for a husband, no more desires for that companionship. My heart hurts to think about it, and I don't know what else to do. I want to cry, but I don't. I think my biggest fear right now is that I will never have that thing which, right now, I long for almost more than anything else.

Someday my life will seem like it has reached some level of normalcy again, and when that day comes I will let you know. Until then I will keep you posted.

What's With the "One"?

I know that I put up a good front in this whole till death do us part thing, but the honest truth is that I am ready to get in that forever and ever kind of a relationship. I still hold to the fact that I want to wait for Mr. Right, and not Mr. Right Now, but why can't I meet Mr. Right, right now? Life is inevitably made up of the twists and turns that make life worth it, I just wish for once that those twists and turns would wind up dropping me right into the lap of the man of my dreams. I suppose the mystery is what will make it so great in the end. I hate mysteries!!!

I know that I am not past my prime, I doubt that I've even hit it yet, but there is something inside me that so longs for that perfect puzzle piece that will fit my very oddly shaped one. I just don't want my desire for that forever relationship to blind me. For instance, if I were to meet a guy that would make a great potential partner, then I would probably put everything I have into it. This is what I did in my last relationship and I ended up being more concerned about where our relationship was headed than where our relationship was at the time. I ended up with a busted relationship and a broken heart.

Why does it have to all seem so difficult? Why can't I just open my eyes and see the man standing right in front of me? I mean, they say you know when you know, but really, what kind of answer is that? I don't want to be this impatient, I don't even want to want it this bad, I just know that right now, in this moment, I do. I will get there, and I know that. I just feel as though my hopes are slipping away. I want to trust God completely, but I find myself wanting to rely on me. What is wrong with me? Maybe someday I'll have the answers, or maybe one day years from now I will be sitting here asking the same questions

Give Me Directions!

So, here I am on the road in this thing called life. I take a left and then I make a right, but somehow I am stuck wondering if I should turn around and head in a different direction. I think there have been times when I have hit dead ends, gone the wrong way up a one way or got caught making a u-turn. Why is it that even in life we refuse to stop and ask for directions? Are we scared of what someone might think, or is it that we refuse to relinquish the control? I wonder what would happen if we would just let God take the driver's seat. I have a hunch that we wouldn't end up lost as often as we do.

I think right now, more than ever, I am ready to just let God take over. I feel like I keep making the wrong turns, and if I don't watch out I won't know how to get back to the right road. I want my directions to be guided by God. You know, go to GodQuest.com for directions and let His map lead the way. The Bible is right there for me to refer to and yet so often I find myself relying on my own understanding.

We are so naive to think that we can do any of this on our own. We need his wisdom and guidance to point us in the right direction. I want to let God have control. Why do I struggle with this so much? I mean, he's the one who sent his only Son to die for me and yet I can't even let him guide my path. I hope that I can begin to give him complete control, because as long as I am in the driver's seat, I will be relying on me, and it's time to start relying on Him!

E-Love

The other day I sat watching television and couldn't help but notice the E-Harmony.com commercials. It triggered a plethera of questions and I began to wonder...can we truly allow a computer dating service to hold the responsibility of matching us up with our life partner? Can you truly get to know someone who you've never actually met? What kind of love story is it to say that you met your spouse on the internet? It just seems so impersonal to me. I want a unique love story...and while it might have been unique at one time to say you met your spouse via the world wide web...it has now become a general consensus. I am not saying that it is a bad idea...I just can't imagine myself doing anything like that.

Maybe it is the hopeless romantic in me that keeps me from seeing the romance in this new era of dating. I want there to be more to my match up then whether or not our profiles line up. What if you could be truly happy with someone who would never match up to your profile? Isn't there more to meeting someone then just compatibility? Again, I am not saying that meeting someone online is bad...just not for me.

When I find love I want it to be magical. I don't have to know right off the bat...I don't even have to know for years to come...I just want it to be more than a profile being matched by people I don't even know. It is almost like a blind date set up by a blind friend...you don't know who the person is, nor do you know the person who is saying they would be a good match. I guess it all just made me stop and think.

Hopeless romantic that I am, I want love to be more than a computer screen. I want daisies and walks on the beach (I know, it is such a cliche'). I want to be able to sit with the person and watch a sunset without saying a word. I want to watch the clouds gather and part in our lives and to know that it will last. I want real love, not e-love. I might not see this love for some time, but I know it is out there, somewhere...I will wait, because once I have it, it will be worth it.

Read Me My Writes

I have never been able to explain the uncanny way I can read a book in half the time it takes most others. Since I have been home I have taken advantage of that fact. I love to read and over the last two weeks I have read five books. I am amazed with myself. I think myself something of an oddity. Do not misunderstand. I do not consider myself of some greatness, but this is something that even I cannot understand. Maybe it is the reason that I love to write so much. I think of words as my friends. They can tell you so much and help you see beyond the page. To read what is written is a gift that we often take for granted.

Writing is the other gift that comes hand in hand with ability to read. Writing gives us the chance to express the things we keep inside, scared to say, scared to share, but we still have that opportunity. I love the ability to write!

I know this is a wierd topic and only someone who loves to read and write as much as I would come up with something like this. Yet, it is what I love, and so I share with you my passion. Eat up the words around you. Take them in and learn to use them. They will take to places you could only dream. Dare to dream!

A Single Serving Please

If you know me, you know that I am quite content in my single status. But I think that my fellow singles would agree there are times when your status seems to be amplified. Tonight I sat at church sandwiched by married and dating couples. I couldn't help but notice and wonder why it is in those moments that you truly feel alone. They are my friends and would never want me to feel that way, but I couldn't help it.

Now, don't get me wrong, I truly do enjoy being single. I am my own person and quite unique in many ways. I feel that if I were to attempt getting into a realtionship on my own that I would be settling for Mr. Right Now instead of Mr. Right. I want to wait on God's timing. That could mean it will happen tomorrow or maybe ten years from now, but I have dated guys who weren't right for me, and I don't want to go through that again. I'm reading this book called "What's a Girl to Do?: While Waiting for Mr. Right" and I love it. The author has so much wit and she gets past all the fluff and dives right in there. She talks a real talk and yesterday I read a part where she said her prayer sounded something like this..."God I know that to you a day is like a thousand years, but I do not have that long, please, if you could, hurry it up a little." I thought this was hilarious in the fact that we all do it. We want it to be God's timing, but sometimes that's just not soon enough.

I am willing to wait, even if that means I have be a single "serving" for a few more years. I know God will bless all that I am and all that I do. Just sucks when those moments like above happen and that's what you think of. To all my coupled friends out there, you know I love ya, and to my other single servings, don't get discouraged but hold on to God's promises, that's what I am choosing to do.

Do Not Put Me in a Box

Today I sit here trying to remember that I am me and no one else can make my decisions for me. I have always struggled with this concept, thinking that somehow I must make my decisions for everyone else. Take my job situation for instance. I sit here with the opportunity to work in a library or to teach. Now there are positives and negatives to both of these positions, but as I have carefully weighed my options I have decided to go with the library. Some people might sit there and make a face (which they have) but I am very different than others and I enjoyed working in a library when I was in college and believe that I will continue to do so for years to come. This position provides me with the opportunity to persue a level of higher education and the chance to gain experience in order to work at any library in America, maybe even the world.

Now you might sit there and say, sounds like you have made your decision. One would think that this is a correct assumption, yet, you are not my mother. I love her, but she could drive a crazy person sane. I want to assure her that I am doing what I want to do, but for some reason it is not that easy.

I guess that I needed somewhere to vent my frustrations. I want to be happy, yet I do not think that people truly understand what it is that would make me happy. Only I can take the steps needed to fulfill areas in my life. I want to be my own person, void of external suggestion. There comes a time when your decisions effect you and you alone. I am at that point. If I stay here and work, then it is my life that I am putting here. I ask no one else to make the same choice. I am me, and I will continue to be me even when all the other voices have been drowned out. It is whether or not I will like who I am once those voices are gone that is the true question. I want the answer to be yes. And for that reason I must choose for me.

This Crazy Little Thing Called Life

My life has been a non-stop buzz since I have been back in Florida. On Friday I went to Daytona to work the Pepsi 400. It was insane. I am a big people watcher and as I watched people there I realized that race fans are almost an entire breed unto themselves. Please be aware of the fast approaching rant...I just don't understand what the big deal is. These men (and women) get into these cars and race at dangerous speeds...sounds kinda cool, until you add in the fact that thousands of people sit there and watch them go around and around and around...it never ends...and it isn't exciting. AHHHH!!!! These people are insane...add in the fact that they are drunk off their butts and you get a great combination. End rant. Saturday was pretty much the same...but due to rain the race was delayed and we didn't leave until almost 11...which meant that we didn't get home until 3:30.

Sunday we got up and went to church and afterwards we had a church picnic. It was fun and we all had a good time. When we got home we all took a nap...and we barely got up in time to get to Earnie and Kim's, but once we were there we had a great time! We ate and played games. I learned to play mafia, and I had so much fun. On Monday we went to Charlie and Melissa's for the 4th, we ate and swam...played some cards...I learned to play spades...Fireworks were an obvious choice for the night and then we went back to Charlie and Melissa's and swam. It was good times.

Yesterday I went to Epcot with Abs and Tara and Michelle. I had so much fun I can't even beging to explain. I think my moment of the day was when I was in Norway and I asked the guy working the ride where he was from...I knew that he had to be from Norway, but I mean where in Norway...They really thought that was funny...oh well...he was cute so it was cool...

This is my life now...one event after the next. Welcome to my crazy life.

Home is Where the Heart Is?

You know the saying that Home is Where the Heart is? Well now that I am back in Florida I ponder that statement, and wonder if it really is true. Don't get me wrong...I love Kentucky, but I also love Florida just as much. Curious, isn't it? I mean I spent 17 years in Madisonville, and 7 years in Lake Wales, yet both places are my home, and neither one give me a complete satisfaction. When I am in Kentucky I miss my family and my friends. When I am in Florida I miss my family and the winter...and now I miss my youth. I should be at Kentucky Kingdom with them today, in fact. It makes ones head hurt, and causes me to wonder how I can find satisfaction in the fact that they will never be the same place.

Maybe I am over reacting, and things really aren't as hard as I imagine. I love being here with my family...and once I start working and life becomes more stable, things will be better. I can't wait until that day comes, but until it does I am here, and you are there, and we will never be able to make that one place. I must learn to adjust. Maybe I will find Mr. Right in the process...and maybe I'll discover that I am not meant for a Mr. Right. I hope that my life will become more interesting...and that you will continue to read my rants...and see what happens to this girl undone.

It's Been Too Long

I can't believe how long it has been since I've written in this thing. You guys know how faithful I used to be. It was my life to write in this thing. I love giving my interesting view of the world to everyone. My life has been crazy for the past few months and no computer has been my main reason for backsliding when it came to my blog. But no worries, I am moving back to Florida and hopefully that will give me the chance to catch up on this thing called writing.

The grand adventure to Kentucky was less than thrilling. I did meet a few cool people along the way (well I guess I should say re-met). Of course Meser and her family are just an extension of my own, and then there were these two brothers that I met...now friends, don't get your hopes up, they are much too young for me. But the were pretty great kids. (Patrick will probably hate me for calling him a kid). Honestly, I like talking to people who have a brain. Kim one-day-to-be Holloway was also a great addition to people I call friends. I was blessed to have some really awesome people in my life, and I don't think I would be the same without having this opportunity to know them.

Now back to the drawing board for Jess. I will be headed to Florida with the intent of teaching. I think it will be good for me right now, at least I can get my own place and practice being an adult. Don't worry, I am sure Warner will be on my list of frequent places to hang out and I will inevitably revert to my former ways. If you are out there and want to let me know what you think, or don't think, that would be cool. I will be hanging out here in KY until Sunday, so give me a yell if you want to hang with me. Packing is my main priority right now, if you looked in my bedroom you would wonder if I were actually leaving or not.

Signing out

I Am Me

Well, life sometimes seems as though it could not get any more boring, and then there are times where I feel whole again and that things are going well. Today I have felt a little of both. I am currently living vicariously through my cousin who is going out with her "friend" as I like to call him. It is all rather romantic and completely enthralling. I can hear all of my family and friends saying, "It will happen for you one day." While this may be a comfort for many I feel as though it is a way for people to say, you know you're not complete without a guy. Since when does being me include being with someone else. I don't know, maybe this is my independence speaking out here, but I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I want people to look at me and say "There's a girl with her head on her shoulders."

I can honestly say that I love being me. This has not always been the case. When I was younger I hated me, and no one could ever understand why. Now no one understands me at all. I truly was never born to fit in or to be understood. That is why I like being me so very much. I like being different and unique. I don't want to be the girl who everyone sees because she's beautiful, I want to be the girl they want to hang out with because she has something to say, and isn't afraid to get in there and get it done.

I now embark on the rest of my week with the goal of finding a job, and being happy with that part of my life. I want to be steady. I want to be an adult. I am ready to get out there and to be able to stand on my own two feet. Love me or hate me, I am who I am...and I'm ok with that.

Rain Keeps Falling On My Heart

So here I am at a point in my life where everything seems to be at a stadstill. I know that I have direction and that I will figure all of this out, but right now I feel as though nothing is quite clear. How does one discover their destiny? I try to look hard for the meaning in my life, but often times I come up short. Everyday seems to hold another riddle, and nothing ever seems to make sense.

Is there actually an answer to the riddles that I see? Am I swimming in a sea that holds no meaning? I guess that the only thing to do is to keep pushing on, to always remember that I am searching for something. I will fing the answer, but until then life must go on.

My Tears Are Falling

To my friends, or normal viewers, if there are any of those out there, I apologize for the lack of updates. I do not have regular access to computers, and thus am writing from the public library. Things here are pretty general. I wake up in the mornings, eat breakfast, walk around the lake, read, eat lunch, maybe do some cleaning, or more reading. I usually always end up going to Wal-Mart, but even that is not the same as going to the one in Lake Wales.

I miss you all terribly, and recently I have not been able to control the tears. You are all my dearest friends and I am not getting along well without you. I didn't imagine things would be this hard for me. I can't help but want you all to come into my office and tell me all about the things that are going on in your lives. Instead I must be content with the little bits and pieces I am able to get from you.

Today it is cold outside, and the sun refuses to shine. Everything here has a darker sense to it. I miss the sunshine of Florida, although I do not miss the state. I do, however, miss all of my dear friends, and even more, my family. If anyone reads this and sees one of my family members, will you please hug them for me. I am lonely without them, and it breaks my heart even now to not be with them. Please stay in touch. I will try to be better about writing.

So long to the normal

Well, I am officially a non-Floridian now, not that I ever really was one, but I have transfered over into the Kentucky zone. I have missed to bluegrass state, and while I do not miss the Sunshine state, I do miss all of those who are still there. Some of my favorite memories were born there. I still hold on to each of you dearly. I don't know if anyone will actually check in on this thing I call my blog, but I hope you all will get to see what's going on with me if you hop on here every now and then.

As of right now I still do not have a job, but do not lose hope, I will possibly be subing here until I either find something else or until I move up to Asbuy. I am going up there next week so I will get to tell you all how that goes, but right now I am not up to much other than hanging out with my cousins. I hope you all have had a merry Christmas and a happy New Year, remember that I love you, stay in touch and never forget me.