So...Life...

Ok...Life is still good...I am still loving it...but I am tired and drained...This week is only half way through and I am already dragging here...but I still love my job and can't wait to get deeper into the subject.

I guess mainly...if anyone is actually reading this (I know there are a few of you faithful readers out there)...Please be praying...because through my happiness God is challenging me...stretching me to reach to a new level...I am excited but I know that what I face is going to be a challenge...I just ask that you keep me in your prayers...and specifically pray that God give me direction...Thank you guys so much!

It's been great being this happy...I don't know the last time when I felt so happy with where I was in life...but right now I am truly ecstatic to be in this place at this time...

Love you!
Jess

Random Blog

Not that the title has anything to do with what I am writing about, but it seemed an interesting fact to me.

So...life...it's good...isn't it? I love my life right now...I had the most amazing experience this weekend. As most of you know...I was born and raised in Kentucky. I got to spend time with a friend of mine that I basically grew up with. It's interesting because they moved to Florida when we were seven and eight years old...Then we moved to Florida about eight or nine years ago...and we have seen each other maybe twice in those eight years...so...I went to Ft. Myers and got to spend the weekend with her and her fiance...It was amazing...they are truly meant for each other and watching that is beautiful...

I had such an amazing time and my summer is now over...tomorrow I go back to work...and I am so excited...I can't help but be excited about where my life has come to...I never thought that this is where I would be...in fact...if you had told me this two years ago...I would have laughed in your face...but God knows better than me...

I can't wait to see what the rest of the year holds for me...God has answered so many prayers...and I am loving my life...I love my friends...and I even love being single...something I never thought that I would hear come out of my mouth...but my life is in God's hand...I am so happy...I want everyone to be able to feel this way...do I have bad days...well...yeah...but those bad days are just learning experiences...and a chance for the next day to be even better...I love God's promises...

Keep Him first in your life...and learn to love where you are now...don't be anxious about tomorrow...we're not even guarunteed that...

A Celebration of Love

I know...two in one day...there must be something wrong with me...

I got back from a wedding a couple hours ago and it was one of the most amazing events that I have ever been to. I think the reason behind that is because I know both people in the couple, their hearts and where life has taken them...Their love story is beautiful. I laughed and cried today as they told of their love and committed themselves to one another...it was beautiful! I am so happy for them...Callie will never know how much watching her love story unfold has helped me to believe in my own. It was after I heard of their enagement and pending nuptuials that I began to realize I don't want to be bitter...love is beautiful and I don't want to spend my life hating the fact that I am without a man to love and love me in return...I have so much love surrounding me...I don't want to give in to the pressures of this world...that marriage is what makes you happy (this is more so in the Christian community than anywhere else)...I'm not saying that getting married is bad...as seen today...it is beautiful...what I am saying is that love will find me when God is ready for it to happen...

I love my life...I love where God is taking me...and most of all I love Him! He has brought me out of darkness and He has taught me new light...I can't wait to keep living my life...I know that someday God will place someone in my life who will sweep me off my feet...He will make me want to fall in love with him everyday...and everyday I will...

Love, Hope, Faith

And the greatest of these is love.

Into His Heart

I want to be stronger. I want to truly run after God with all of my heart and I feel as though recently I've only put in a half-hearted attempt at our relationship. He has done so much for me...and I just can't seem to give him much of anything these days. It doesn't make sense...I used to be so in love with Him...We used to talk constantly, and now we never talk to each other any more...although if He were talking...I can't honestly say I've been listening...

Have I become tainted? Is that why there is a wall that I feel keeps pushing me further and further away from His love...I know He is always there for me...I have no doubt about that...but I know I'm not trying hard enough...and knowing that is what kills me...He has saved me countless times...He has rescued my life and soul...and yet I still do not give Him all that He deserves...

I want to be a world changer...but first I have to be a me-changer...I need to start on the inside...I can't change those around me until I myself change...God is so good and I don't want to belittle Him...I don't want to take Him for granted...I don't want to lose faith...My God is powerful and I know that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength...I just want to be at the place where I rely souly on Him...He is so good to me...He lifts me up when I am down and He knows all there is to know about me and still loves me...I want to lay down my sins, my pride, my bitterness...all of it...down at His feet...I want to stand and walk away from all that has held me down...

Please pray that I be able to do that...I want to be that quote on my page...I want to be so into the heart of God that they only way a man can find me is through HIM!!! And so I seek to be in His heart...to love Him and live for Him daily...

Jess

What is She Saying? (I Don't Know Either)

On Wednesday I left the town of Madisonville and headed to Holiday World...for those of you who don't know...it is an amusement park in Santa Claus, Indiana...I used to go there all the time when younger...I always loved it...

I spent the day with high school students...not much of a change from the usual...I had so much fun with these kids...they were an interesting bunch...we rode rides and had a blast...

The trip home was funny...I had two couples thinking I was spying on them...which I totally wasn't...but as I sat there I thought that they probably thought I was crazy...of course I always thought that people feel that way about me...I hope I'm not too crazy...people reading this probably think that I am crazy because I am kind of tired...and none of this is really making sense to me...so...am I crazy...???

I love anyone who reads this...you guys are amazing...

Jess

This is the Story of a Girl

When I think about my life and where it has taken me I realize that I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I love where the twists and turns have lead me. It isn't always easy to understand why we go through the things we do at the moment we are facing them...but each moment has been a lesson learned. I have learned to love, to forgive, to push through even when I feel like giving up and to accept the twists and turns as they come. I don't pretend to understand all that I have faced...I remember when being an adult was something we only dreamed of...when our worlds seemed so small...and now I look around and all I see is possibility...

I am so excited about my life...about where God is taking me and the journey I am on to get there...Did I think things would be different...well of course I did...I think that there are many times when we imagined something only to realize it wasn't the right time for that to be in our lives...

I talked to an old friend of mine today and told her that being single isn't as bad as I thought it would be...or have thought that it was...I love being single...I love that I am my own person and that I choose not to change for anyone...no matter how hot he is...

Learn to love yourself...learn to love your life...God has you where you are for a reason...make the most of it...and when you least expect it...all your dreams will begin to fall in to place...I can't wait for my dreams to come true...but I know that waiting just means something amazing is going to happen...

Happiness of Being Home

I think sometimes it is the simple things in life that make us appreciate what we have. Today has been a day of simple pleasures...and tonight has been a night filled with laughter...I don't know what it is about being home that makes the goofiness in me come out...now...many of you may think that you have seen goofy Jessica...but just ask my cousins and they will tell you that you haven't seen nothin'

I sat at the table tonight laughing so hard that tears were coming to my eyes and I asked why people feel the need to get drunk when they can feel the high I got tonight just from enjoying my family...add my craziness in there and you have a riot session. I laughed at everything...we now have this new inside joke and everytime I see the color pink...or hear someone say it I will reverently think of Barry Manilow...LOL

I love my family...I got my cousin a birthday card...and on the outside it said...Just think about what it means to be a part of this family!...on the inside...And try to have a happy birthday anyways...LOL...I loved it...and so did she...man our family is amazing...and horrible all at the same time...I guess you would have to be a part of it to truly understand...

Anyways...on with this greatness of being at home...so tonight I got to go to Christian Assembly...which is the church that I grew up in...I love going there...it makes me miss home...but it also reminds me of where I came from...keeps me grounded...I got to see some of my youth...which in turn made me miss my youth in Florida...I thought about you guys...Amanda (who spoke tonight), Rueben, Casey, John, Christa, Candace, Andrew, Katherine, Matt, Amanda B., Jessica, Rachel, Tiffany...oh goodness...I feel like I am leaving someone out...Danielle...Jen...man...I miss you guys already...but it was great to see Tori, Patrick and Seth...I've missed you tons...

It's hard to have two homes...I belong in both so well...who knows whether or not God will be bring me back here...but I know that for this time Florida is my home...and I love her and miss her dearly...

Later Days...

This is My Choice

This may sound like a rant to some of you and possibly that is what it is. I just feel that this is something I need to say...because I had to say it this weekend and it only served to build the intensity in my stance. Being single is not something that just happened to me. This is a choice for me. Don't get me wrong...I would love to be in the right relationship with an amazing guy, but that amazing guy hasn't walked into my life yet, and until he does...this being single thing...well it is my choice.

This person I talked to this weekend...I already knew how he preceived me..."Poor Jessica...I hope I don't end up like her...25 and alone." Actually he said that to me last night...It hurt me...because he made me feel as though being single was a bad thing. I have news for you...it isn't!

Yes, there are times when I would like to have someone to share certain moments with...but I feel that this is the time in my life where I am growing as a person. I sincerely believe that I have grown over the course of this year...I have learned that there is more to life than a relationship...I have learned to forgive and move on...life is too short to hold grudges...My life is my own...and I am able to take this time and give my all to God...to truly seek His will for my life...and I wouldn't trade that for anything...not even the right relationship...

The fact is...I could choose to be in a relationship right now...there have been many times in my life where I could have chosen that...but I don't want to be in just any relationship...I want to be in the right relationship...but I want God to take care of that...and I believe that He will...there is obviously a reason He wants me to be single right now...and while I can't see it today...one day I will be able to look back and realize that God brought me down this road for a reason...

For those of you who are single...stop feeling sorry for yourself...get out there and live life...who knows...maybe while you are busy living...God will bring someone amazing your way...

For those of you who are married...don't worry about us singletons...we will be fine...you were...weren't you...let God write our love story...like He wrote yours...So many of you are an inspiration to me...keep loving one another and be an example to others...

To those of you who are too young to worry about whether you are single or in a relationship...don't let something that is meant for your future ruin your today...I look back and realize I let the thoughts of a relationship take up way too much of my time...enjoy life today...and let God handle tomorow...

Still loving my choice...
Jess

Normalcy?

I think it is funny how I either write when everything is super great or when it is super bad...but how about when life is just...life?

There really isn't much going on in my life at the moment, but I am happy...content with where my life is...I know that many times when I write in my world wide blog I go on and on about my highs and lows...but I guess it is nice to know that there are days when life is just normal...I know...it's hard to believe that Jessica could have normal related to any part of her life...but it is true...

Exciting news...I got the position at George Jenkins High School...I am so very happy about this change...I am also excited about how much God is using me recently...and my upcoming trip to Kentucky...so it's not that life isn't good...or that it isn't bad...it's just that I am looking forward to every day...

Don't let these times pass you by...remember to hold on to the greatness of normalcy...because in my experience...it usually doesn't last long...

I Just Need Someone to Listen

Do you ever have something to say, but feel as though you have no one to listen...today you are my captive audience, those who read must hear the words I'm trying to say...

Before you continue reading, know that this will not be a happy blog, know aslo that I do not want the typical "everything will be alright" comment...I just need to get this off of my chest...and as I use this as my journal...I must say what I've needed to say...because no one will listen...

All I wanted was some time to myself...that's all I wanted...no...all I NEEDED...My weeks have been full, and my weekends have been packed with things to do...I needed some alone time...time to take a break from being pleasant...time to take a break from the happy me...time to just unwind...to walk around in my underwear and sing at the top of my lungs...

As I settled in for this much needed time...underwear and all...my brother calls..."We'll be at the house in five minutes"...we being him and his roommate...so I go get dressed...and I'm thinking..."great...the dishes aren't done...the house is a wreck...I'm not wearing any clothes...I just bought food for me for the next two weeks, but nothing for these guys to eat..."

So they get there...they complain and complain...they are hungry...there is nothing to make...they make fun of the fact that I need a recipe to make something...and then...I am tired...I didn't go to bed until almost 4 the night before...and I had to wake up at 6...I was running on two hours of sleep...I needed to go to bed...So I did...thinking they were leaving...I get woken up by my brother the next morning...He needed to use my car...sure whatever...just let me go back to sleep...He gets back...his roommate sleeps all day...all they end up doing is watching movies...cool...whatever...I watched with them...I had plans for the evening...so I go to leave...they are still there...doing NOTHING!!!!!!!!! I leave...go to the mall...go to the movies...get home...they are still there...I already had plans to stay in Bartow that night...so I leave...oops...I forgot my shoes...I call my brother...ask him to bring them to me at church today...he says ok...

I wake up this morning...call him...remind him to bring me my shoes...he calls back...15 minutes before church..."we're not coming because my roommate won't wake up" and they had driven his roommate's car to the house...so they don't even go to church...I get home...they are in the exact position they were when I left the previous night...I was frustrated!!!! I mean REALLY frustrated!!!!

So then I go to Blockbuster...and then Wal-Mart...I ask them if they are going to get out of the house...if they are going to do something...I just need a couple of hours to myself...they pester me...I try to clean...they keep asking the same questions over and over and over again...they keep laughing behind my back and won't tell me what they are laughing at...I just needed a break...they wouldn't leave...no...they didn't leave until I started crying...then they were like...oh let's leave...

And now they are gone...and all I want to do it cry...I can't even enjoy the few hours I have to myself...because they ruined those too!!!! Maybe I am being selfish...and childish...but then he thinks he has the right to lecture me...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I was doing so good...things were going so well...I hate feeling like this...like I just don't want to exist...like everything would be better without me...why won't they listen...why does he turn his back on me when I try to talk...why does everyone shut me out...why don't I matter...why why why why why why why why why why.......

I'm tired...and my tears hurt...that's all...

the end

Contemplating Moments

Our lives are a compilation of moments that we remember and the ones that we try not to. Have you ever sat around trying to remember things that you've experienced. These moments aren't a big deal, they probably weren't when they happened either. But have you ever stopped to retrace a moment. What were you feeling, what was happening to the people around you?

Today I learned that someone who used to be a part of my life, passed away. I haven't had much contact with this person in the last few years, but when I was a child she was a big part of my life. I remember one time I was staying at a friends house...my friends name was Heather...we wanted to go swimming, and my aunt had a pool...we could walk to her house from where we were...so we did...but it was really early in the morning...I remember her coming out of her house...she wasn't mad...she just said maybe we should come back later in the day...she was always so nice...and she always smelled so good. I remember when her daughter died from cancer...that was a sad moment...I remember picking blackberries in her backyard...I remember the first and only time I ever got a spanking with a belt was when I left her house without telling anyone...I remember her garage...that's where the pool toys were...I remember the plastic plates that made the paper plates stronger...I always wanted a red one...so many cookouts...passing by her place every time I went to church...

Although she has not known me these last 15 years...I will always have those somewhat meaningless memories...and for that I am thankful...

I love you Aunt Juanita!

Live Like You Were Dying

So I've been thinking today (something to do with the fact that I am going to a wedding shower tonight)...I've decided that I am putting all of this moping about not being in a relationship behind me...I was thinking that when I get married I want people to be happy for me...and I will be wanting them to have a journey of their own...one where they end up with their perfect match. I am tired of being all down about this...get over it Jess...there is more to life...you obviously have more to do...don't just sit around and wait for something to happen...go out there and live...

I watched Last Holiday this weekend, and I have to say...that is how I want to live...I want to live every moment as though it were my last...I want to tell everyone how I feel...I want to hold nothing back...I want experience life...not just read about it in books...IT BEGINS...is what I have been saying for so long, but now it is time to live it...I want each moment to count...Kirsten Dunst said in Elizabethtown..."Everyday should have a purpose"...I want to live that way...so today I live with a reason in mind...that reason is to serve God and to be the best me I can be...

I am excited...and I want to continue this outlook on life...today I give Him my all!

You Win Some and You Lose Some

Fortune: Stop searching. Happiness will find you.

There are days when I feel as though the world is perfect. My life is going exactly as it could be. I love my job, my friends, my future...I am excited about all that my life has going for it. Then there are days when I think that I am alone, that I haven't started the next chapter in my life, and I wonder why it hasn't happened for me.

It was funny today, because Christa wrote that being single sucks...and I said..."You know what sucks more...being 24 and single." It really doesn't suck all the time, just on days when I think about that next phase of life. I am excited about starting my life joined with someone else, but I wish I knew when that was going to happen. I am still young by many standards, and I know that, but I don't want to be an old mom. I want to have the chance to watch my kids grow up, and their kids grow up...I don't want to be 30 before I have my first child. I guess in the long run it really isn't up to me. God has this in His hands, and although I don't always enjoy hearing that...I know it is the truth.

I told mom today that God must have something really amazing out there for me. I guess I am writing all of this to say that some days are good and some days are bad. Enjoy the good days and don't beat yourself up for the bad ones.

Oy With the Poodles Already

These past few days have been emotional for me. Let's see...the biggest thing is that my sister is having surgery on Tuesday to have a knot removed...they are going to do a biopsy and see what it is...while I know that God is in control...I can't help but be a little concerned...I love my sister...she is amazing...so beautiful...and partially my hero (I can't discount Josh completely here)...I am praying that everything turns out to be nothing...I know God has this in His hands...

Compared to that, the other emotional battles I have faced seem like nothing...but still...it will help to put them into words...On Thursday I sat talking to my mom...she was telling me about a new professor at Warner and she was telling me that her name was "Ciana" pronounced "Shawna"...Now, since I was a young girl I have always wanted to name my daughter Ciana Claire (pronounced "C-na)...so my mom said to me "I'm going to adopt a little girl and name her Ciana Claire...since you are never going to have any children"...Ouch!

The other thing that happened was today at lunch. One of my best friends (Amanda) and I are getting ready to start an event planning business together...focusing on weddings...so my brother says "Hey, that's like the movie The Wedding Planner, if you can't wed, plan." I started crying...I know that might seem ridiculous, but it really hurt...

I already struggle with the thought of never having that in my life, that I don't need the people closest to me, making me feel as though I am right...I know that God has something amazing for me...and I can't wait until the day he reveals it to me...

All That I'm Waiting For

My prayer this year has been that God would send my help-mate, or help me be content in being single. The first Sunday after Pastor Mike's prayer retreat, he came up to me before service and said, "You're gonna find yourself a MAN." I laughed and brushed it off. Not that I doubted it would happen, because I believe that with God, all things are possible. It was just that I didn't want to get my hopes up.

I faced the year with the thought that if something happened I would be happy, but if nothing happened my life wouldn't change, I would remain happy. I found myself at the beginning and end of what I thought could be two somewhat potential relationships (not that I thought either relationship was the right relationship).

Now that I am back to where I started I wonder at what God has out there for me...I mean...I know it has to be amazing...I believe that the one God has for me will be somewhat like this...

- A MAN after God's own heart! The spiritual leader of my household, someone who will lead me in devotions and push me to be all that God has called me to be.

- Romantic, but not mushy. Someone who cares enough to find out what my favorite flower is, and doesn't just get me roses because it's the flower that seems most romantic.

- Patient. I am an emotional person and I know that the man who will be mine will also be the man who won't let my tears hinder our love.

- Kind. I need a man with a servant's heart. Who looks to the needs of others before he looks to the needs of himself.

- Someone who won't look at me like I am crazy...even though I am...

- Someone who doesn't just think I'm beautiful, but someone who convinces me that I am.

I know that God has my perfect piece out there...and I can't wait until the day when God reveals it to us...but until that day I hope I can remain patient...ever aware that God is in control...and that He loves me with all that He is...

Never Ending Beginning

This has been by far one of the most amazing weekends that I have had in quite some time! I am so used to the ups and downs of my life and this weekend is was a plethera of ups. It's not that I even did anything interesting. I just had a good weekend full of friends and laughter.

On Friday I had drama practice and afterwards we went to Wendy's. It was funny because I went in and sat down after the guys had gotten there. While they were all ordering I went and got a seat...only two of the four saw me...well...the other two got their food and sat down...four tables away from me...they never looked in my direction and so I began to sniff my shirt (thinking that maybe I smelled bad)...one of the guys who had seem me come in kind of motioned to what I was doing...I said "I'm trying to figure out of I smell bad or something"...the guys had never seen me and when they heard me they rushed to sit with me...it was so funny...

On Saturday I had drama practice...after that I just went home and worked on my online class. It wasn't anything fun...I just did that and watched Hallmark movies all day...I loved it!

Today has probably been the best day! I got to watch these kids who have been working their butts off minister to our congregation today...and they blew the house away! I am so excited to see what else God has in store for them!...IT BEGINS!!! I know that God is going to do something big, I mean...He is DOING something BIG!!! AHHH!!! I wish I could share my excitement more...I am sooooooo excited. I also think that I am just on a Jesus high!

I also got the amazing opportunity to eat lunch with two of my favorite people on earth...Dan and Rebekah...Seriously...I can't imagine my life without these guys...I don't remember what it was like before they were around...and I am going to be so sad when they leave me for the summer...but I still have a little while with them! I also got to see Cassie today and that always makes me happy...She's so amazing...I have been blessed this year with the new friends that I have made and the relationships that have gotten stronger!

I don't know...I guess tonight I just wanted to share with you guys the excitement that I am feeling right now! I also wanted to let you guys know how absolutely amazing you are! I couldn't ask for better friends!

Jess

Taking It One Day At a Time

It's been a while since my last blog...I think that I have been in a somewhat melancholy state of mind and my writer's block falls into place during these times...I have also been trying to come to grips with the reality around me...I feel as though I have been somewhat detatched recently...I hate that feeling...

Life tends to come at us in ways which we don't expect...sometimes these ways are gladly recieved while at other times we are left wondering why our experiences have led us here...I think that right now I am stuck somewhere between those two places...I know that as you (my dear regular readers) read my thoughts you can see the up and down emotional rollercoaster that I experience almost on a daily basis...This rollercoaster has hit a few steep downward moments in the past month or so...

Emotionally my life has been rough as of late...I have spent more time with my tears than I have in almost a year...I hate that...It scares me to think that I could lose control of everything that has become stable...I have embraced my somewhat sane existence...and to think that that delicate world is threatened...frightens me beyond words...

I know that things can only get better...and that there must be something big out there for me...but I kind of wish it would just happen you know? It would just all fall into place...so that I no longer fear the unknown, but that I take it as it comes...that I see what lies ahead...and I look in that direction without fear...

I have been plagued with fears recently...the fear that I will never accomplish anything...the fear that I will fail all those around me...the fear that I have become something others depise...the fear that I will always be alone...the fear that I will never be good enough...I don't want to fear anymore...I want to embrace hope...because my hope in Him is the only silver lining I see right now...

Make These Tears Dry Up

I feel like I am back to where I was several years ago. It was possibly the worst trip I had ever been on. It was the type of trip that bitterly reminded me that I was alone. We were driving to Kentucky and as Mom and Dad drove, Megan was with her boyfriend, and Brandon was with his girlfriend, and then there was me...alone. Now each one of them have gone through the pain of breakups, but they are each both in new relationships. Brandon is with his girlfriend, Megan is with her new boyfriend...and here I am...still alone.

I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I am the oldest, or I just can't understand the fact of why someone doesn't want me...but right now my heart is hurting. Why doesn't anyone want me? I am so sick of these tears...I am so sick of these lies. Is it beyond someone to love me? I don't know what to do...I want to be patient...and I know that God has to have something amazing out there for me...but I can't help but feel that I am nothing more, and will always be nothing more, than the friend...I will continue to watch those that I love begin and end and begin and end relationships, until the day I am invited to the wedding...

I don't want to hurt anymore...I think at the beginning of the year the prayer was that God would either send me someone, or help me be content in being single...Right now I just want to be content...I don't want a relationship...I am tired of trying...I hate this right now...every tear that falls just hurts worse. I don't want to hurt anymore...So forgive me my rant...I just needed to let go. Some people don't understand how my writing is my relief...I doubt that you would understand if I tried to explain now...but I love you guys...and I know you love me...

Please...I do not want to hear how it will happen for me...and that I shouldn't feel this way...because I know that if it is God's will it will happen, and if not he will see me through...I know that this too shall pass...and I can't wait until it does...

All my Love,
Jess

Deja Vu

Have you ever felt as though you have had the same experience twice. Tonight I felt as though I had a flashback of two months ago...It was amazing how the same exact feelings rushed over me. Feelings of confusion, anger and hurt all hit me with the same force as the time before. I just don't understand how I get myself into these situations...where I have made life so complicated. I still think this is all a distraction that satan has put me up against...because I truly believe that God has something big for me right now and satan knows it. he wants me to be distracted so that I cannot complete the work that God began in me. I refuse to doubt the promises that God has laid before me...I will continue to rejoice...no matter what the circumstances...
Here is a poem I wrote today...I just want to get it out there...to have it down...out of my head and shared with my friends...

Words spoken without contemplation
Have caused my heart the aggravation
Of torture, anguish, sorrow, grief
From these things find I no relief.
That I laid to rest a love unspoken
That threatens now to never be woken
Leaves me with the bitter thought of this,
To never find love lost or that love's first kiss.

I've never known love to be absolute
And so I have chosen to be resolute
In my findings. I've stood unyielding
All along my heart I've been shielding
From the pain that has damaged my existence.
As for the reason of my resistence,
I've been unable to believe in love so pure
Thus when it was spoken I was unsure.

Won't you please hear my feeble cry?
My heart is broken, and so am I,
To think your affection would waver
Because of a conviction which did quaver.
Do not let these mistaken words once stated
Be the source of a friendship dissuaded.
I do not know myself untrue
Please know that if I could I would all undo.

Second chances are not my lot in life
And so in these words I rid myself of strife.
You can only love so long without love in return
This is a lesson I have woefully learned.
In these truths I reveal my soul
Knowing the time has come for me to let go.
I lay down this burden I have carried along
Without regret, for it has only made me strong.

To Those Still Waiting

I wrote this quite some time ago when a really good friend of mine was going through a really hard time. Now you have to understand, my friend is a Belle fanatic (you know the Disney princess). I found a piece of paper at a scrapbooking store with Belle on it and knew I had to get it for her...I tried to figure out what I was going to do with it...I didn't want to just give her the paper...so I wrote this story. The more I read it, the more I realize that I was writing it for me, just as much as for her...but I hope you all get something out of it...God has something amazing, and His timing is perfect...I would rather be single now and wait for true love, then to be with someone and find out that it was never right to begin with.

The Princess Within
By: Jessica Buchanan

In a land far away there once was a beautiful princess who longed for more than what she had. Her life seemed ordinary and to her that was something she had never thought she would be. Every morning her life seemed to hold a routine. She woke, attended her duties, did what was required of her, fell asleep and began the same proceedings over again.

This princess could not see that her ordinary actions had extraordinary results. In the land of her Father there was a man, who unbeknownst to the princess, had been grooming his entire life to become her prince. Every morning he would wake and go before the King, asking what he must do to prepare for the princess. Every day this young man would work hard to become what he knew the princess would need.

As this happened, the princess began to question her Father. She continually asked why her prince had never come, and why she must keep waiting when all those around her were experiencing the love that she longed for. The King would quietly tell his daughter to be patient, and she would experience His very best.

As time went by the young man began to grow and developed a deeper relationship with the King, and the King watched the young man and knew that it was almost time. His daughter had a hard time understanding her wait, but He knew once she met her prince she would understand.

The day finally came when the young man would become a prince. When the princess heard of the glorious news she rejoiced, thanking her Father. When the two became one she understood why love had not come to her sooner. She had to learn to trust her Father, and He would bring her exactly what she needed.

So, young princess within, do not grow weary in your wait. Instead, trust your Father because he, not only knows what you need, but also knows when you need it. Love will come and when it does you will rejoice

Trying to Figure This Out

I know that life is not meant to be a walk in the park. There are no easy outs, and life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you are going to get. I know all of the cliches...but I am finding that figuring out my life is much more enjoyable than it used to be. I mean...I used to stress out about every little detail, every decision, what people thought about me and so much more...Now I feel as though my life is making sense.

Don't get me wrong...my life is by no means perfect...it's just that I am happy. It has taken me a long time to get here, and now that I'm here I wonder why it took me this much time. I love my life. I have a great family, a great job, great friends, and I actually love who I am. I am so thankful for God's blessings. I truly don't know what I would do without Him.

I don't know...I guess I just wanted to share that life is not always as bad as we think it is. Life is what we make it. We choose to be happy. My friend Ryan said that to me the other day and I think it has stuck. I am happy and I choose that happiness. There will be days when life is not pleasant, and I don't love life, but I will choose to be happy. I will continue doing daily in order to have the life I have right now!

Trials

My life is generally nothing but a mass of confusing gestures that never seem to point in any clear direction. I have faced many trials along the way...and today I sat with a friend reliving many of them. I can't believe that God has allowed me to experice so much pain, and yet at the same time...I am blessed that the pain I have experienced is nothing in comparison to what so many have faced. I have not experienced the lost of a loved one...I have not experienced the pain of abuse...I have not experienced the trials of divorce...I have been loved...and I have been conforted...I have friends that love me...

I guess I am saying these things in order for us to realize that those things in our lives that we think are great trials...are generally trivial compared to what so many others are facing in our world these days...I don't want to be consumed by my "problems" because in all actuality I should be focused on the problem that people are dying every day and going to hell...that's what I should be concerned with...not where my life is going to be ten days from now...ten weeks from now...or ten years from now...God wants me focused on the work that He has for me right now...I don't want to let distractions get in my way of accomplishing those things which He has set out for me to do...

Keep fighting the good fight...and remember that when you think you are going through something you can't stand through...God is on the other side waiting to catch you if you fall...

Waiting for the Amazing...

The life we dream for ourselves is not always the reality that God has in store...but may I put a question to you? Don't you believe that what God has planned is so much better than what we could imagine. I keep telling myself that there is something amazing out there for me...and someday...as long as I let God lead my steps then He will bring me a dream that I could never achieve in my own strength...

He is such an amazing God and I know that He has so much in store for me...I don't want to miss out on the best God has in order to get a temporary dose of today...I am ready for God's blessing...not the one that I wish for myself...I have been told today that I am beautiful and that I deserve the best God can give me...I totally agree...and I am tired of relying on yesterday's promises...I want to rely on the promise of today...

A friend told me tonight that each day that goes by is one day closer to what God has in store for me...how amazing is that thought?!?! I can't wait to see what He has...because I know that it is going to be amazing...it can be nothing less...

Things About Me...

So I've been tagged. The game is that if you get tagged you have to write six random or just odd quirks about yourself and than you tag six other people to do the same....sooooo..here goes,

1. I have low self-esteem but hide behind a mask of confidence that fools others into believing that I am self-assured.

2. I am scared that I am never going to find someone that will love me as much as I love them.

3. I am currently writing a manuscript that I hope to get published in the next year or two.

4. I love cats, but cannot have them because my mom is allergic.

5. I scored the highest in the area of logic on my IQ test.

6. I almost dropped out of school my Sophomore year of college to move to NYC and audition for Broadway!

New People...

Since I have moved back from Kentucky God has begun to strategically place new people in my life. I was thinking tonight how greatful I am when He allows my path to cross with that of others. Dan, my "cool" new friend, was at drama practice with us tonight and then went with us to Taco Bell...and I was just thankful that God allowed us to know each other. His roommate is another one of those people. It is so crazy, because I have known them less than a week, and yet I feel like I have known them longer. They are both amazing guys and I am so happy that I know them.

Another person God has brought in to my life recently is my good friend Faith...and she has been a blessing that I can't even begin to explain. Honestly...she helped save me. I mean that...I don't think she knows how she effected my life...

But really...I have been blessed with amazing friends in this journey called life. My new ones and my old ones have each made an impact on my life. They have each made me stronger and pushed me to be who I am today. I don't know where I would be today without any of them.

I thank those of you who call me friend for being the same for me. You have no idea what you have done for me. I love you all!

Learning It's Ok to Hurt

I am writing on here because I know that no one actually ever sees this online journal. I guess I just need to get this out there, to have the words written down somewhere so that I know that it's real, not just something I have imagined. My last entry was written about four or five months ago...and it is funny that that particular entry was in reference to the same guy who I talk about today. You see, for seven months I have known this guy, he was funny and he made me laugh and then the more time I spent with him the more I liked him...until I felt what I wrote in my last entry.
The funny thing is that around that time...every other girl I talked to also had a thing for him, or were trying to set someone they knew up with him...and I thought...I don't have a chance, so I'm not going to even think about it. I stopped thinking about him and I went on with life. I saw him at church from time to time, but it wasn't until about two months ago that I started talking to him and then he became my friend on my myspace and that was nice, but still I didn't think anything of it...everyone is my friend on myspace...
I started seeing this guy that I had gone to school with. It wasn't anything big, we just went out a couple of times and one of those times happened to be at the same restraunt where the guy I am talking about works. He saw us there and he did this awkward we're best friends thing...and I even told the guy I was with that I didn't know him well and thought it was strange...of course in the back of my mind I was thinking how interesting it all was...and then to make things even worse I spent the whole night trying not to look around for him...but instead I tried really hard to focus on the guy I was with...I was so distracted...but I didn't want anyone to notice...I think I pulled it off pretty well...
The following day I recieved a "Boyfriend Application" from this guy that I had been interested in for months...and I couldn't believe it...I thought it had to be a joke and so I took it as such...it wasn't until last week that he informed me that it hadn't been a joke. It's crazy that it has been almost a month since we went to Downtown Disney and that we have been talking that long...
Unfortunately for me all good things must come to an end...Last week we sat down and had a three hour conversation...I sat there and listened as he explained about this girl who was once in his life who changed him forever...when she ended the relationship it was devestating to him...I understood...He was hurt...He said that it had effected every other relationship he had been in...But he didn't want to do that to me...he didn't want to burn bridges with me...but he had to figure out what was going on...I said I understood...because I did...There is so much that complicates this whole issue...and I don't think I even know half of what complicates it...but he wants to be there for her...he wants to be with someone enough that even if this isn't right he's going to do it anyways...I just hate this feeling...Wrong time wrong place...why didn't he just leave me alone? If he knew that it was so complicated why did he ever pursue anything with me? I just don't understand that...
I don't want to be mad right now, and I do not want to keep crying...but when's it going to be my turn...when am I going to get the guy? I know that there has to be someone amazing out there for me...but why did I have to open up again? Why did I have to think I could love him? I just want to pretend like this last month hasn't happened...I mean...it probably wouldn't even hurt so bad if I didn't feel like he was ignoring me...I hate guys...they are so good at making you believe they are so wonderful...but it's all a lie...I don't want to be lied to anymore...I can't write anymore because I feel like my heart getting ready to explode!

God is Good...

All the time...and All the Time...God is good!!!

So this last week has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least. Today I decided that nothing really matters unless I am giving my all to God. Last night I layed in bed crying out to God to help me understand why I am going through what I am going through...and I realized that I am being strengthened. When you work out for the first time in a long time, your muscles feel the pain, but they are being strengthened, and the next time it won't hurt so bad. I will go through all of the pain that I have to in order to be strong for my God.

Friday I had an excitement that hasn't been equaled in a long time. Just ask Candace and Andrew...I was unstoppable. Andrew said I preached a 30 minute message in 2 minutes...It was great...but I am so excited about what God is doing. I am nowhere near where I want to be with Him right now, but I know that if I keep seeking Him with all of my heart that He is going to pour out His blessings on me in a way that I have never known...IT BEGINS is something I am trying to live daily. I will not give up on my dreams and I will not let the enemy distract me from what God has called me to!

Don't let the enemy win...because that is exactly what he wants. God is amazing and He loves us so much that He gave His Son to die for us. I don't know about you, but sacrificing my child so that you could live...I don't think it is something I would be willing to do. I want to live as close to Him as I can...and so that is my goal right now...to love a life that is pleasing to God...I want to be a righteous woman of God...With prayers that have power!

It's Going to Keep Beginning

Today has been a very interesting day! I can't even begin to descibe the joy that I feel that this exact moment!!! It was funny...on the way to work today I was praying that God would make me feel better...and I started feeling really goofy...but in a good way...I am so scared right now that none of this blog is going to make much sense...but I'm going to keep writing anyways...

I really had a good day at work...even the bad moments weren't so bad...and I am so thankful that God has begun to give me a new attitude towards teaching...I mean...I truly do love my students...and today was no exception...

This afternoon things have gotten even better. I can't contain this happiness...God is doing something amazing and I want to be a part of it!!! A friend of mine sent me a message today and I screamed, I was so happy...She isn't from Bartow...she hasn't been at youth...but she has caught on to IT BEGINS!!! I am so excited about what God is beginning...I just can't explain it...but I don't have to...God is moving and you need to either jump in or move out of the way!

Keep running towards this goal because He is doing something...I don't know where this is going to lead me...but I am so intrigued to find out...

IT BEGINS!!!

On Being Single

Why am I 24 and still single? This question was posed to me the other night and since then I have taken a lot of time to try and discover the answer. This is not an easy question to answer because I honestly never thought I would reach this point. I always thought that I would meet the man of my dreams in college and that he would propse and we would get married near or after graduation. Alas, this dream proved false and I ended up making my way in life much different than I had planned.

I guess I should start somewhere near the beginning. You see, I have always had a big heart and as such have loved with everything that I have. When I was a child, the man I thought hung the moon stopped loving me, or so I thought. As a child I thought my grandfather was pretty much everything. He taught me to swim, he had butterscotch, he let me play with Barbie's in the play room...He was amazing! But as a 9 year old little girl I was told that he never wanted to see me again. I remember it all so vividly. My Aunt Dawn holding me in the driveway as my grandfather screamed at my mother. It took me years to heal from those scars. I thought that it must have been something I did that would drive him away. I never realized (until much, much later) that it was never my fault.

As I grew up there was never really the opportunity for me to be in relationships. I remember a couple of times when I liked a guy, or my friends said a guy liked me, but it never worked out for anything to happen. When I moved to Florida I met this guy who seemed pretty amazing. I didn't discover until later that he was at the end of a long and messy relationship and I got in on the tail end of it. He was the kind of guy who knew exactly what to say and how to say it. He really swept me away. I was young and naive and thought that they first guy I dated would be the guy I married. Little did I know that wasn't how it worked out. Don't get me wrong...I am ever so glad that it didn't!

In college it became a game that I wasn't good at. I had Scott, and he was my stand in boyfriend. We never did anything, just hung out, but he was my umbrella. As long as I had him I didn't feel the need for a boyfriend. I think there was also the intimidation factor. If a guy had dated me in college he would have been known as "Jessica Buchanan's boyfriend" because I was in student government and everyone knew who I was. It was hard to be in the center of it all and yet feel so alone.

Because of the many times I was hurt, by family, friends, and guys...I learned to put up a wall. I rarely let my gaurd down because I never wanted to get hurt. My life became about survival, and I was ok with that.

Beyond that, I have never actually met a man who could be the spiritual head of my household, who would love me the way I deserve to be loved, and wanted me as much as I wanted him. I usually tell people that I have been in love once...to someone who never knew I loved him, and never could have loved me back (at least not the same way)...but I know that what is out there is going to be so much greater than what I felt with him...

I am not really sure if this actually answered the question, but maybe if gave some insight in to my current state of solo status. I am mostly content in where I am right now, don't get me wrong...and most of you know this...I would love it if the right man were to walk in my life and be all that I have needed for so long...but I am going to be ok even if that doesn't happen right now...I figure...I've made it this long...what's a little while longer...

Hoping for sooner rather than later...
Jess

Moving

Well...tonight I moved into my new room! I have been sleeping on the couch for the last several months (partly my choice), but now I actually have a room that is all mine. I have also been going through my clothes because I now have a closet...and can I tell you...I have a lot of clothes!!! I haven't even gone through the shoes yet, but I know that won't be any better. Maybe I will get more use out of them because I can actually see them, as opposed to them being in a drawer on top of one another (my clothes that is, not my shoes).

I will miss Megan, although it might not be much different, since I hardly ever see her anyways. I am so proud of her, and so excited for this new phase in her life. I on the other hand am actually content staying right here (especially since I now have my OWN room). It will not be the same as in Kentucky...oh how I miss my mattress (but Mamaw says when I get a place of my own she will get me a mattress just like the one on my bed at her house!!! YAY!!!). I am very happy about having a place to go with no distractions, just me and my books.

Speaking of moving...Don't you feel God moving all around you? I can feel Him everywhere, and can I tell ya'...I love it! "It Begins" is only the beginning of something even greater! I can't wait until tomorrow. Go to church with your hearts prepared for what God has and He will shower down His blessings on you.

Loves,
Jess

About Being Beatiful

Beauty is skin deep...Beauty is in the eye of the beholder...A rose by any other name would smell as sweet...the sayings could go on, but beauty to me is still up for debate...

I have always found beauty in the simple things in life...to me beauty equals a butterfly's change from akward and ugly to colorful and free to fly...it equals the rain that slides down the window pane as you sit watching from inside your house...it equals the silence at sunset that explodes around you...it equals the love of a child when all other love has seemed to fade...it equals the smile of someone who just found love...it equals the moment when you realize that someone needs you...it equals a man who hung on a cross so that you and I could be set free...

I have always found comfort in the pages of Isaiah. There we are told that Jesus was not an attractive man by the world's standards, instead he was viewed as ugly. How amazing is that? What we think of as beautiful, what society tells us is beautiful, is nothing compared to the beauty of what God has given us...yet He was not beautiful by our standards.

I love that, because I do not consider myself beautiful by most people's standards, but I AM beautiful to God. I have never really thought about this before...but to God, I am beauty. How amazing is that? I can rest assured, that while I feel that those around me are more attractive (satan has been beating me up with that one today) to God I equal beauty...

Good night my beautiful friends!

To My Friends

It seems like so many people are going through the same thing these days and I just wanted to say...Remember, God is in control.

God,
Hear the cry of our hearts. When everything around us seems to be closing in and everything becomes overwhelming, please guide us down the path that You have chosen for us. You are so amazing! I know that our steps are ordered by You. I will wait on You to lead and guide me. Help us to hear YOUR voice. In our world it is so difficult to listen to that still small voice...take away the distractions. I want You to have COMPLETE control! My heart is yours, hold it in your hands, because I know that there it will be safe. Help me to let go of the pain that I have held for so long. I don't want fear of happiness to keep me from experiencing life. You have taken away the pain of the past...help me to move on...for today is a new day...and IT BEGINS! Don't let me keep looking back to the days where pain was a constant reminder of my failure...I rebuke the enemy and his lies...I will continue to seek after you in all that I am...Help me to lean not on my own understanding. Thank you God! In all these things I give you praise!
Amen

To my friends...I continually pray for you, but as this week goes by I will pray specifically for direction for all of you...I want you to know that I am here and anytime you need prayer I will gladly storm the gates of Heaven with you...Where two or more are gathered my friends...He hears our cries.

For me I would ask that you would continue to pray for me. My battle with depression has seemed like a road behind me for such a long time, but this last week satan has been at me in full force. I don't like the feeling of losing control of my emotions...please pray that God would stop the lies of satan...because I know that is all I am dealing with. I know that what is behind me does not have to effect what is ahead...but I need you to storm the gates of heaven for my petition. I love you all so much...Have a great weekend.

IT BEGINS!

My Heart Hurts

I don't know why but all of the sudden my heart hurts and all I want to do is cry. Maybe I do know why, but I just don't want everyone else to know. I just wish it would stay safe, my heart that is, locked away from others. I don't want to open up my heart anymore...it has been hurt too many times...I know I usually do the encouraging guys, and I am sorry, but tonight the tears are falling and I can't make them stop.

I know that this is an attack of satan...it has to be. Everything has been wonderful for the last two days. I have been on fire...I have been immersed in the word...I have been an encourager...I have enjoyed work...This has to be a spiritual attack...I don't want to hurt like this...I don't want to cry...I hate the tears...they make me feel weak...please pray that God build me up...because tonight I feel torn down.

I hate this up and down roller coaster so much...It reminds me of things I'd rather forget. I want to feel whole again...You have no idea how just writing this down has helped...you guys are awesome...

Jess

The One

Tonight I ended up having a long conversation about love. Finding love and keeping love. I know I don't have it all figured out, in fact I am nowhere close to having any part of it figured out. I just really wanted to tell you guys that love is out there...For those of you who are still young, don't give up, and don't let it consume you. I remember when I was 18, I thought that I needed to find someone to marry, that I needed that someone to be complete. I wish I wouldn't have spent so much time worried about that. I wish I didn't spend any time thinking about it now. I'm not worried about finding the person who will be my husband. You know why? Because I am living in God's will...and as long as I am living in that place...and my future husband is living in that place...God will bring us together.

Now, I can't deny that when the possibility appears...I think about if this could be the one, but I have been hurt too many times to let myself open up to the possibility. I want love, but I don't waste my time on something that isn't going to mean anything. Maybe this is too serious (also could be the reason I haven't found anyone)...but I'm a girl who knows what she wants. I don't want to settle...I have done that before.

Right now I want someone who loves my craziness...who thinks that my natural beauty is beauty enough...I want a man who knows I'm amazing, without trying to show him how amazing I am...And I'm not worried that I am not going to find this man...He's out there...I know it...God gives us the desires of our heart.

Ladies...don't give up! There is more to life than a relationship. There is a vast world of individuality that is out there waiting to be explored. Find out who you are, and be firmly grounded in that. Make God your number one priority, and never change for anyone else.

Gentleman...my friends...treat a lady with respect. I read something today that I feel is right for this moment...The person you are with might not be the one you end up with...so treat her the same way you would want another guy to treat your future wife...and really this can be applied to the girls to...keep your purity in tact...it is never worth giving up. Temporary satisfaction is just that...temporary!

Please...take these words to heart...they might not mean anything to anyone but me, but they do mean something...even if only to me...keep searching for God's will and everything else will fall into place...

It Begins...

So today at church amazing things began to happen...I want to jump out of my skin I am so excited! We met at the church to go over our drama and we prayed in the choir room. God was moving so deeply and I couldn't have been more amazed at the things that He is doing. He is tearing down walls and building up His army. I am anticipating that which He is getting ready to begin! That which he has already begun!

This afternoon was even more amazing! We had drama practice and can I just tell you...these kids are on fire! I want to be consumed with what God has in store for us! I was reminded of the dreams God has placed within me...and I was encouraged as well...Things are beginning already! Keep pushing in and He will pull you in!

Vision

I've been thinking about this a lot recently...about the visions God has given me...I had a friend remind me that a people without vision will perish...I like what Proverbs 29:18 of The Message Bible says:

If people can't see what God is doing,

they stumble all over themselves;

But when they attend to what he reveals,

they are most blessed.

I want to be most blessed! I want to follow the deep hungers that God has placed in my heart. I have been given so much already. I love God to fullest extent of the word and yet I know I love him less than I am able. I know that it is futile to want to go back to something you used to have, because in front of you God has given you more than you can even begin to imagine. When I was younger I felt like I was on fire. I want to fulfill my Jeremiah calling...I want to feel the fire shut up in my bones! God is so amazing and I don't want to give up on the things that he has layed before me.

My life has never been perfect and satan has attacked me with thoughts of suicide and depression. I have gone through so much to come out where I am now...I wish I could explain this to all of you, some of you know where I have been...and you know why being in the place that I am at is so important! I am excited to see what God has for me. Please continually pray that God makes my vision clear. Bleary-eyed is not the way I want to approach His calling.

I hear His voice loud and clear! I am running after the prize he has layed before me and I will continue to seek his will! I am so excited. I am SO excited!!! God is beautiful, and I love him more than life!

LIVE!!!

Love is a fickle friend. We only have today...I love these lyrics from Rent:

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future, there is no past
I live this moment as my last
There's only us, there's only this
Forget regret, or life is yours to miss
No other road, no other way
No day but today

I have learned that we should live our lives without regret. I told someone yesterday that I wish we could all just get past the bull that stands between us, humanity. Why do we play the game? Why do we dance the dance? What are we trying to prove? I don't want to be the one who stands down just to make you feel better about your choices. I want to speak out...I want to be alive...and I want to start living today!

New Me...

Life has a funny way of making you aware of who you are. Until recently I have struggled with myself. I know that many people are shocked when I say that I hate me, but it has been a hatred lasting many years. Why, you may ask, would you hate yourself? Well the answer is simple in my mind, but may sound rediculous to you. I hate myself simply because I can never be the person I want to be. I am weak and broken, yet I try to uphold the masquerade that I am strong and able to face the world. I fail daily and I feel as though I shouldn't.

I have learned in the past few months that it is ok for me to mess up. I am happy being me. It has taken me a long time to get to that point. To be able to say that I like me is a huge step in my mind's eye. I have decided recently that my life is ok, no matter the disappointments that come my way. I am stronger now than I have ever been before. And for that, I am happy. I want to love me the way that other's do. I also realize that I am loved. I need to be loved. I have been failed in that area one too many times, and now I know that I have the ulitmate love.

I am going to keep living with this new outlook. I am going to keep giving God my all. I am going to love myself, despite my down falls. I am going to be stronger in who I am, and I am not going to let myself fall down that pit again. You are seeing a new me, and I am excited to see where that me is going to go.

New Me...

Life has a funny way of making you aware of who you are. Until recently I have struggled with myself. I know that many people are shocked when I say that I hate me, but it has been a hatred lasting many years. Why, you may ask, would you hate yourself? Well the answer is simple in my mind, but may sound rediculous to you. I hate myself simply because I can never be the person I want to be. I am weak and broken, yet I try to uphold the masquerade that I am strong and able to face the world. I fail daily and I feel as though I shouldn't.

I have learned in the past few months that it is ok for me to mess up. I am happy being me. It has taken me a long time to get to that point. To be able to say that I like me is a huge step in my mind's eye. I have decided recently that my life is ok, no matter the disappointments that come my way. I am stronger now than I have ever been before. And for that, I am happy. I want to love me the way that other's do. I also realize that I am loved. I need to be loved. I have been failed in that area one too many times, and now I know that I have the ulitmate love.

I am going to keep living with this new outlook. I am going to keep giving God my all. I am going to love myself, despite my down falls. I am going to be stronger in who I am, and I am not going to let myself fall down that pit again. You are seeing a new me, and I am excited to see where that me is going to go.

The Dawn

Remember

The silent orb
Which shines at night
Plays in the heavens
Fighting new light
Soon she will
Be covered by dawn
A light fading slowly
Until she is gone

Enjoy the sunrise
As it breaks through the night
Taking away darkness
And bringing new light
The colors that burst
In the silence of dawn
Share for a moment
What has hours been gone

We cry in the darkness
Fighting the night
We search for a moment
To walk in the light
Do not worry nor fret
The return of the dawn
Soon the Light will come
And darkness must be gone

He's battle weary
But keeps through the night
A tortured man
Is our founding light
He waited three days
And at first dawn
He rose from the grave
He left, but is not gone

So remember to
Hold fast through the night
He standing right there
Guiding in light
And remember when you see
That first dawn
That he died
So your soul would never be gone

Remember

So Me...

Today I woke up and began wondering where my life is going. Am I headed up, or down? Where will I be a month from now, a year, two years, five years? I don't want a crystal ball to predict the future, but it would be nice to have an idea of the direction in which I am going. I want to be on a path. I feel like I am often freewheeling. I have no clear direction and I am getting closer to the dreaded 25. I am scared of being alone, I am scared of failing, and I am scared that I will never make a difference in the world.

I want to have a major impact on the world, even if it is only a small part of the world. I want to get out of Lake Wales (sorry to all of my Lake Wales friends) but I know that I can't go back to Kentucky (no offense to my peeps in Kentucky). I am confused with where my life is going, and I hate that. I used to be more focused. I used to have a handle on where I was going...what is going to happen to me...where am I going?

So confused,
Jess

The Greatest of These is Love

It has been a while since I have written in my blog. I have been gone on a spiritual journey, seeking God's guidance for my life. I have been running away from Him for way too long. For the last two weeks I have been running TOWARDS Him as fast as I can. My life has been up in the air for far too long and now I want God to have a hold of it. I want Him to lead me and guide my steps.

You all know that my biggest struggle is being alone, but this year I choose not to think of it as being alone, but as being free to minister in every area that God calls me. I have this really great friend, more like a brother really, who made me cry as he wrote to me, praying that I would be content in myself. I know that I generally am not content with me. I have hated myself for so many years. People are always confused by that statement, because most people love me. I am a very fun and nice person, but I often struggle to be happy with me. I am always seeing ways in which I fall short. I thank each of you for your encouragement. Be praying for me, that God would continue to bless me with this outlook. I don't want to dwell in my loneliness. I want to be content in my life.

Don't get me wrong, I am still looking for the man of my dreams, and if anyone has a man they would like to point in my direction...they can feel free...lol...just be praying that God would bring us together, that those two pieces of the puzzle would finally fit as one. You guys are amazing...all my love!

Jess

Quote

I much prefer the sharpest criticism of a single intelligent man to the thoughtless approval of the masses

Alone for the Holidays

I read this bulletin from Rachel and wanted to repost it here. It made me cry because I am so many of those things. I hate feeling like I will never be good enough. I hate this feeling of inadequacy. I want, just once, to mean something to someone. I hate the tears that fall down my face, because each one reminds me that I am alone. Will I ever find someone who loves me the way that someone is meant to be loved?

I have only been in love once and I suppose that person knows who they are, but I would die if they ever admitted it. I loved him, and I still do (although in a different way). I'm scared that I will never love anyone else that much (and that REALLY, REALLY scares me). I think more than anything this is why I don't like this time of the year, because, even surrounded by so many people, I feel so very alone.

I truly believe that the only thing left for me to do is give up. I will never find love, and I have to be ok with that. Please don't give me the "Jessica you will find someone," "Jessica you are a beautiful person," "Jessica, everything is going to work out." Honestly, I've heard now for almost six years...I just can't keep hoping only to be continuously disappointed.

Please forgive my Christmas downer, but this is how I feel right now. Struggling for breath and bleary-eyed from tears. I leave with a Merry Christmas.

Until Next Time



-To every girl who wants to be called beautiful not hot.


-To every girl that will spend her whole day looking for the perfect birthday present for you.


-To every girl who gets her heart broken because he chose the other girl instead.


-To every girl who is nice to everyone no matter who they are.


-To every girl that would die to have a decent boyfriend.


-To every girl that won't settle for the jerk.


-To every girl who would just like once to be treated like a princess.


-To every girl that cries at night because of another HeArTBrEaK.


-To every girl that won't get down on her knees and open her mouth just to get a boyfriend.


-To every girl that just wants to hold hands.


-To every girl that kisses him with meaning.


-To every girl who just wishes he CARED.


-To every girl that just wants to cuddle.


-To every girl that just wants to sleep (no sex) with him.


-To every girl that is scared to put her heart out there again because she has been hurt so many times. (so true!)


-To every girl who shows how much she cares and gets nothing back.


-To every girl that thought maybe this could be the one.


-To every girl that believes in her dreams.


-To every girl that would do anything so she could achieve them.


-To every girl that laughs at stupid stuff when she actually does think it is funny.


-To every girl who is just looking for that one and only and is having a rough time along the way.


-To every girl that has been cheated on because she's not the kind of girl who gives it up to any guy.


-To every girl that doesnt want a guy who just plays wit her emotions but actually CARES about how she feels.


-To every girl who wants words backed up with actions.


- To every girl that fell for all the lies only to find themselves alone in the end.


**To every girl that gave her heart away to have it shoved back in her face.**

THIS ONE IS FOR YOU.

Unchained and Unfree

Do you ever feel as though your life is nothing but a paradox? You live in a moment when your being pulled in two different directions. Nothing makes sense and everything makes sense. You want everything and nothing. Your life is pulling you apart and you don't know how to stop it.

My life is constantly pulling me in different directions. I see my life through clouded goggles and I wonder if things will ever be clear again. I know that life is never easy and always difficult, but there are days when I wish I were a child again and I didn't even have to make the simple choices. Have you noticed that the older you get the more responsibility you have? ALWAYS LET YOUR MOM PICK OUT YOUR CLOTHES!!!! I mean really, that is such a simple choice, yet we make it so difficult. What to eat, what to do, where to go, how to live...we begin to be bombarded with choices and we learn that we don't know as much as we always thought we did.

I want to be a child again, when the toughest choice was red or orange (popsicle that is). I feel as though I am free to make my own choices, but bound by society and parental expectations. I want to be free, yet I want to be the child again, where everything is so simple, everything is so easy.

I suppose we shall see. I look forward to the year ahead. I'm sure it will be full of even more adventures and I plan on sharing all of them with you. Stay tuned...this is going to be a wild ride!

Lost in Anticipation

I haven't written in a while, for my few and faithful I do apologize. I guess there really hasn't been a lot going on my life as of recent. I am working on the end of school. I have two more days and then it's over. I haven't spent much time thinking on my guy problems, or lack there of. I guess I have been thinking a lot about my future. Where do I want to go, what do I want to do, when will I ever figure all of this out...I am ready to start a family. I would like to be a mom in the next two to three years...but I am worried that is not the plan for me. I want it to be so badly, but I have this aching feeling that I will never get that opportunity.

I want stop pretending that I am ok with it. Everyone says that it will happen when you least expect it. They say that you will find it when you are satisfied with where you are at...what I want to know is why didn't it. I've been in those places where I was happy with my life, when everything was going great and I wasn't looking for anyone...Why didn't it happen then? Why do I have to keep waiting. This waiting thing is killing me...not waiting for the right person, but waiting to find out whether or not I am ever going to find that person.

I saw my ex tonight. For the first time in almost a year. It was crazy. We didn't really talk, but he reminded me of the failed relationship that I so desperately clung to. I wanted to be able to say I was over everything that happened, I wanted to be able to say that I had moved on, and that there was a man in my life. Not a boy...a man...I wanted to, but instead I was bitterly reminded that I am alone. I have not moved on, I have not moved past it. Who knows, maybe I am scared of commitment. Maybe I am scared that I will never be good enough.

There is another thing that is persistently threatening me. I have the problem with my self-esteem. I see these other girls and think..."Why WOULDN'T a guy rather be with them than me?"...I know that there is so much more that I have to offer than a great body. I have an amazing personality. I get along with so many people. I'm funny, I make people laugh...but I am always the bridesmaid and never the bride...Wishing the day would come sooner...
Jess

Dinner with the "Girls"

Last night I sat at Beef O'Brady's with my good friends Gin and Drea. Talk is never cheap with them, and we maxed out our credit cards last night. There were a few times when I couldn't catch my breath I was laughing so hard! Here are a few quotes from dinner...not that anyone will actually understand our random ramblings...but they sure were funny...and who knows, if you ask I might actually tell you...

"You'll never guess what I found in my parents' bedroom..." - Jess

"It's like eating Chocolate..." - Drea

"You don't want to eat chocolate with your roommate..." - Jess

"Dark Chocolate is the best..." -Drea

"Did you know that women eat more chocolate than men?" - Gin

"Wait, do you mean chocolate...or "chocolate"?" - Drea

Oh ladies...I can't even think of more...well none that wouldn't be embarrassing for me...thanks for the comments...

Jess

Fighting Within...

Last night I felt something stirring within me. I wanted to jump and scream and shout! I have come to a point again where my spirit is sensitive to what is going on around me. I see things and God begins to reveal specifics to me. I know that I am nowhere near perfect, but I felt something in the pit of my stomach last night. If we as Christians cannot get along, if we cannot turn the other cheek, then how are we to minister to those outside the church, or even in it. We need to begin holding ourselves to a higher standard. Are we living like we should? Are we taking the steps neccessary to be called a Christian?

I believe Satan is trying all he can to tear down the walls of unity in the church, and until we fight against him, he will continue to succeed. I want to see the church begin to heal within, because a broken church cannot minister to a broken people. We must be whole in order to help them become whole. I am ready to take this stand. I am ready to do what it takes to bring unity and wholeness back to Christianity. We cannot take the splinter out of our brother's eye when we ourselves have a plank.

Do not take these words lightly...but take them as a challenge. Join me in this fight and we will stand a better chance.

Keep Him First,
Jess

I don't know...

This weekend has been interesting...and not interesting all in one. On Friday I was home alone. My plan was to stay in my jammies...and watch Harry Potter all night long...but I had cabin fever and needed to get away...so my good friend Gin came and we went to the mall...I got Faith's Christmas present and saw my sister!

Saturday I went up to the church at the butt crack of dawn to watch the kids that didn't show up. I did get to talk to Liz a lot and that was fun! I am glad that she and I are beginning to hang out more. She's a lot of fun and I need more friends...oy with the poodles already...

Today has been good. I don't know...I have this feeling in the pit of my stomache. I feel nervous and anxious all at the same time, and I randomly want to start crying. I hate feeling this way. I am an unexpected ball of emotions and I don't want to blow up at anyone of confuse anyone or make anyone mad...I hate being me...I really genuinely do. I know everyone questions how that could be, but I feel like my heart is shattered into a million pieces and I'm never going to be whole again.

I'm not even talking about just the guy issue, but every time I turn around I feel like I see something else wrong with me. One more thing that I need to fix. One more reason why no one will ever love me. One more reason why things will never be how I want them to be. I don't know...maybe some day everything will fall into place...but maybe not...maybe this is how I will be forever...

My Heart Can't Take Much More...
Jess

(Jing...I calmed down...don't worry about me)

Falling to Pieces...

My life feels as though it is falling apart. I don't know how to stop it! I want everything to just go back to the way it used to be...I wish I had never moved to Florida. I want to go back and be a kid...I want to do it all over again! I hate my life. I feel like at any moment I will break and feel the same as I did ages ago. I don't want to feel like that...but I'm on the verge...

Today my life seemed to keep getting worse...I know it could be a lot worse and I should be thankful that I still have my life...I should be thankful that I still have my family, but today I just want to wallow in my misery...I have no car...I think that I killed my cell phone...I thought my purse had been stolen (praise God it's here)...I feel as though I am never going to get caught up...I feel as though my life is headed in a downward spiral that will never end...HELP!!!!! I want to throw myself off a bridge and be done with it...

Ok, I don't mean that, but I just wish I could make sense of all of this...maybe one day everything will feel as though it is whole...but until then I am here...in pieces...

Jess

LOVE

What a nasty four letter word. It has become something we throw around loosly as though it holds little meaning. "'I like my Sketchers but I love my Prada back pack' 'But I love my Sketchers'...'That's because you don't have a Prada backpack'" Seriously, we love our family, that a given, but we love a restraunt, or a tv show, or a movie...soon we have begun to love everything...but was love ever meant to be such a nonchalant word? I have just been thinking about how easy it is for us to say we love something or someone. I know that I love my friends and generally when I say I love someone it is in that platonic way...so how do we begin to destinguish between the love we have for friends, family, and objects...from the love that we have for God?

For God so loved the word that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosever believeth in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life...Now that is real love. Seriously...how can we distinguish the loves in our lives? I want to know, because I feel that the lines between these meanings have begun to blur and we as Christian need to help clear it up...

Until All Have Heard,
Jess

Jessica + Roadtrip = Disaster

Oh my goodness guys! You will never guess what happened (unless someone already told you, then you are not guessing you are already holding the answer)...You all know that I went to Kentucky with my brother for Thanksgiving...well we headed back yesterday (Friday) and everything was going well...until we hit Georgia...I am not really liking Georgia right now...I know I know...it's not the states fault that I had a crappy car (note the word had)...

So I drove all the way from Madisonville...we were almost to Macon and I let Brandon take over...now I know that what is about to be told is not his fault...I'm not blaming him so you shouldn't either...The car died in the middle of a three lane highway...Brandon was of course in the lane farthest from the shoulder and had to go across three lanes to get us safely off the road...He had to wake me up because poor Jessica was trying to take a short nap...I definately woke up!...I called dad and he said I would need to call the police and find a tow truck...blah blah blah...so I did said thing and a half hour later I am stuck in the middle of Georgia...just the right distance between Florida and Kentucky...sadness...

So, come to find out my engine is shot...We are stuck there...So my dad had to drive all the way to Georgia to pick us up...we paid the place to keep my car...yes, we paid them to keep the car that I just spent too much moolah trying to fix...and then we left...and so here I am...in desperate need of a shower...tired...and without a car...right now I hate Georgia...more importantly I hate the stupid car that we drove...oy with the poodles already...I am sorry...life right now is sad...

Please be praying the God provide the funds neccessary for me to purchase a new vehicle within the next three or four months...

In despair...
Jess

Happy Birthday To Me...

So today is my birthday. I feel old. After today the countdown to 25 begins. I know this will not sound wierd to my regular viewers (if there are any of those out there) because I am always talking about the lack of relationship issue in my life. When I was in college I thought that I was the only one who wasn't married or in a relationship, but then I realized I was so young, so I thought...I'll be married by the time I am 25...wow...that is so close and impossible to achieve. So I guess I will continue on this path...I know it will come...and thank you to those of you who encourage me on a regular basis.

I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving...don't eat too much...but have fun and take time to let someone know what you are thankful for...

I am thankful for my family...
friends...
freedom...
love...
life...
ability to see things differently...
second chances...

I'm a Hopeless Case...

Well...a hopeless romantic anyways...I wrote this a few weeks ago...

"There are times in our lives when we meet a person who takes our breath away. Each moment spent with them feels too short and every moment spent apart feels like an eternity. They make you smile and wipe your tears away. No matter what happens you feel as though they are the best thing that could have ever happened to you. It's hard to explain to others how your heart races and your mind can't even think. You are taken away by a rush of emotions that are unfamiliar to you. Life seems to hold more meaning."

I think it is amazing how we see things. I mean, that feeling seemed so real to me. I guess it was more like a balloon ready to be popped. I should have seen it coming. I should have known that it wasn't right for me...but you have no ideal how much I wish it were. It's never right. Never the right time, the right guy, the right moment, the right anything, and so I am here at this point again...wishing to rewind these last two weeks...not because I regret them...because I don't regret ANY of it!...but because there are some moments I wish I could change...

"Just friends" seems like a saying I've heard my entire life...for as long as I can remember I have just been one of the guys...I've never been the girlfriend (not really anyways)...both of the guys I dated were on the rebound after serious relationships...and here I am 24 in five days and the logest relationship I've had lasted four months...

Answer me this, is there something wrong with me...? Am I really that ugly! I mean, I know I'm not, but I feel like everytime I think there is a chance, it's gone.

I don't even want a serious relationship right now, just someone who will take me to dinner, or that I can just talk to...I miss my guy friends...I want another Scott (sorry Gin)...I miss having that...

Now I have to go before I cry...I don't want to cry...

One of Those Days...

So today has just been one of those days. I wake up, even though I want to turn over and fall back to sleep, get out of bed and get started. School has just become routine, and I need to do something to mix it up. I want the kids to have fun, but I can't think...maybe this break will help me get creative.

I come home and do nothing...watch House of Wax because I forgot how bad and extremely disgusting it was (I must have blocked it out of my memory)...I got something to eat with Megan...and then I decided to wash the dishes...boy was that a mistake...the glass broke and I sliced my finger...it was really gross...actually I almost passed out...I watched the blood flow from my finger, it was pretty nasty...

Besides that I have just been thinking about my love life...or the lack there of...I think right now I just hate feeling like I am alone. I don't know that I am ready for that ever after relationship. Maybe I just want someone...someone who makes me feel beautiful...someone who needs me, or at least wants me...I wish this feeling would go away! I want it to go away...!

This is why I have had one of those days...I need my mind to shut down, to just stop thinking...I need to just be.

A Day Past Sunday

I wake up each morning wishing to go back to sleep. I want time to stop and the world to slow down, but inevitably I must get out of bed and start the day. Tomorrow I want to wake up with a new hope and a new vision. I want to know that life is worth living, and that everything I do is worth it as long as I keep Him first. I must believe that there is more out there than a routine. I love life and I want to live it as much as I can.

"Preach the gospel and if necessary, use words!" I want this to be my life. I am ready to make that my commitment! I am ready to see God as the head of my life. You guys keep me in your prayers! Ask that God would guide me down the right path...that He would lead me in the way I should go. You guys are amazing, and I am so blessed to count you as friend...

Jess

Just One...

I know this probably sounds lame, but I was just watching tv and a girl was given the most romantic night of her life. I don't even have to have a relationship but I wish that I could just have one night of romance. I want a moonlit walk, daisies, dinner and a good night kiss.

I want to feel beautiful. To get dressed up and be treated like a princess. To be picked up, to have the door opened for me (all of them)...to be laughed with, to be taken somewhere unique, somewhere unexpected...I want to have a meaningful conversation, and then when I get cold I want an arm put around me.

Maybe it is all too much to ask for, but I wish I could have it...even if it is just one.

Today I think...

The sky will be bluer...
The sun will shine brighter...
A laugh will be common place...
Friendships will strengthen...
Love will be hoped for...
Family will mean everything...
Time will not be wasted...
Love will not be wasted...
Memories will come flooding in...
And all the things you hope for will come to pass...

Live today as though it were the last. You never know when tomorrow is no longer a possibility. You have the power to make things happen. I have the power to make things happen. Let's use our powers together to make the world a better place...(I just got the voice of Captain Planet in my head "With your powers combined...I am CAPTAIN PLANET!")

Jess

What do you think?

Ok, so I was thinking about making a list today...a list of all the qualities I want in my future mate...I know that some people believe that this helps...others believe it's a bunch of bull...I'm undecided

Honestly...I know what I want, but what about the little things?...how specific do you get?...are you meticulous and never settle until you get exactly what's on your list? I don't know...maybe that would be a good idea (I should write...doesn't look like Adam Sandler...as one of my qualities)...I just don't want to miss out...

Of course I wrote a very specific list for my Geo and God gave me exactly what I prayed for...so if he would honor my desires for a car...how much more would he honor my desires for a husband...? SIGH!!!

Today I Want to Die

Today I want to die...
I tried to let the tears kill me as I cried
Yet here I am still
Wanting something yet never will
Have the chance I thought I had
It came it went and that's too bad
I give up, that's just how it has to be
Because in the end I cannot think of me
Life would be easier if I weren't here
But that's a thought I can't adhere
to. My life has never been my own
And all I think I've ever known
Is living life for you, not me
I guess my life will never be
my own...
Today I wish I were not here...

This One's For You

There are days and times when lonliness consumes us and all we are left with is an empty feeling. These are the days we wish to ignore and choose to forget. Life almost seems pointless and we are left in the doubt that tomorrow will not hold the new possibilities that we wish to see. What we have to remember is that there is hope out there, we just have to hold on to it...

I remember the day I met him. Nothing really struck me as special, just another guy who was cute, but nothing more. At first there was nothing, just a friendship, a tiny seed that grew to more. I remember when the thought of more first entered my head. I honestly believed I must be crazy. What was I thinking? How was this going to work out? Everything around it seemed to be screaming, "You're crazy!"

Maybe there is still nothing there, but today there is the hope of something more. When that loneliness knocks at my door my mind is swollen with the thoughts of more. I give in and let them take away that once bitter pain. Love is out there somewhere, waiting for us all...I don't know if I have found it, I don't know if I ever will, but until that day I will keep holding on to that hope. Never give up!

I Can't Believe It...

Today was a work day for me. No students!!! It was brilliant. I got a lot accomplished and feel organized again. Once done with my work for the day I headed to Warner. I don't know why I do this, because I don't really know anyone there anymore. I guess it is the thought of seeing people I used to call friend that keeps me coming back...who knows.

When I went there today I found out that my ex is in town. It is all kind of crazy and hard to explain. I just know when I heard it I didn't know how to feel about it. But, my mind kept going over everything and I began to think about how long it has been since the last time I was kissed. It has been a little over a year now...very little over a year. This is insane. Not that I have to be kissed a lot to survive, I just can't believe it has actually been that long.

I don't know why this has been on my mind since this afternoon, but it has and that's it...sorry to unload my randomness on you.

Is This Real?

There are times in our lives when we meet a person who takes our breath away. Each moment spent with them feels too short and every moment spent apart feels like an eternity. They make you smile and wipe your tears away. No matter what happens you feel as though they are the best thing that could have ever happened to you. It's hard to explain to others how your heart races and your mind can't even think. You are taken away by a rush of emotions that are unfamiliar to you. Life seems to hold more meaning.

This may not sound believable, and I don't really think that it is, but I've felt this way recently. Nothing makes sense and I don't even believe that I am experiencing this. It can't be real. It has to be my imagination. I am scared of feeling this way, but I'm even more afraid that I will push it away. Maybe I'm not ready for something like this, maybe it's not the right time. I will continue breathing in and out until I know for sure where my life is headed. Until then, continue to think of me.

I Give Up...

So, I decided last night that I try too hard. I let myself get consumed with everything so much that my entire body feels the effects. Last night my body was shaking and my face was flushed and I felt as though my heart was going to beat out of my chest. Why I let myself get this way I will never know.

Honestly I must be getting on people's nerves...I am getting on my own. I am trying too hard...I am letting myself lose and I can't do it anymore...I give up...I'm swearing off guys forever (like that is really going to happen)...Maybe my New Year's resolution will be to not let a guy turn my world upside down...it's funny because I fool myself into believing that someone likes me, only to continually get discouraged...

I generally think of myself as a low maintenance kind of girl...but maybe I'm not...I continually seek reassurance and it is as though I never truly believe the good things that people say...I'm not beautiful, funny, fun to be with...I can't be...I try to ruin things before they even have a chance to begin because my self-esteem is lower than low. I hide it well in my outgoing personality, but when it comes to relationships, I have a hard time believing any of it...

I want to just go back, back to when relationships like this didn't matter to me, back when I was shy and quiet Jessica...I miss her, she wouldn't have even had the guts to flirt with someone way back when...I need to be her again.