Love Was Kept From Me Like a Secret

This song was played to me by a very dear friend...I think that the love that I seek right now is the love of God...He has done so much for me this year...He has taken me SO far and taught me so much. I am so blessed to be where I am. I am truly happy with my life...no matter what I may go through...I make it through...God brings me through...I am going to start today...making it all about Him...I am no longer my own...but I was bought for a price...He wasn't just born...He died...He sacrificed himself for me...and if I can't do that for Him then I have learned nothing in my life...

I love God so much...He is so amazing and I am so blessed...

To all of my friends...I just want to say thank you for the love that you have given to me...I am so blessed...blessed beyond measure...I refuse to complain any longer...I choose to be happy...

Let's just take our time
There's nothing else to do
What better way to spend the night
Than wasting it with you
The moon has won the war
The daylight waits to end
Stay here by my side
We'll watch the struggle start again

chorus
I need you now and forever
So stay right here with me
Don't ever leave
Love was kept from me like a secret
And I swore that I was through
Until you, until you

The city settles down
I watch you as you sleep
There's a silent celebration for
Every breath you breathe
Now this all makes sense
With you as company
I left all I knew and found
A better part of me, yeah

chorus

The time it took to find you
I would
Wait again my baby
The feelings that
I feel with you, yeah

chorus
until you until you until you

I Want to Love Me

I glance into the mirror and I see all of the things that I don't like about myself...My nose is too big...I need to lose weight...I think my eyes might be crooked...I hate that gap in my teeth...My ears are SO big...My hair is so frizzy...

And then I stop...I love the way my nose has that little bunny rabbit effect...I love the color of my eyes...I love when I laugh...even though I lose my eyes...It reminds me that I'm happy...that I am ejoying life...I love my ears...and how I am great at listening to what people have to say...

If I take a deeper look...I love what I see even more...I love the fact that I love with all that I am...How I always only have to learn a lesson once for it to stick...that I try not to be judgemental and that I love give of myself...I am a pretty selfless person...I want to teach others how amazing their lives are...they have no idea what they have been given...

As much as I tend to get down on myself...I'm a pretty amazing person...I think I might even be kinda cute...haha...but seriously...I love who I am...I love that I can make people laugh...I think it might be my job...I love that God created me so differently than other people...I am glad that I am not like other people...I love that I am unique...and I know that God is ready to do something amazing...

I love me...at least...I'm learning to love me...and I want to love me...

Girls Are of the Devil and Those That Aren't Are Bipolar

Now that I have bashed on the opposite sex I feel as though it is only my duty to reveal the fact that females are just as much to blame...LADIES: STOP PLAYING GAMES!!! If you don't like a guy...stop flirting with him...if you aren't sure...back off...make sure...then either pursue it...or STOP!!!

GRRR!!!

You know...we have this habit of sending mixed signals...if you know for sure that you don't want something to happen with a guy right now (I'm not talking about down the road...I mean right now at this point in time) then don't say things that would make him think he has a chance...I hate when girls say things to guys and they are like...oh I could see us together...or I don't think it would be bad if we hung out more...or whatever the heck people say...MAKE UP YOUR MIND ALREADY!!!

If you think you are one of the good ones...and any guy would be lucky to have you...don't just settle for that any guy...God has bigger things out there...

GOSH!!! Girls are morons too...and why...I mean...why do we pull the jealousy card...why is it that we don't want a guy until we can't have him...or someone else is about to have them...that is so stupid...back off...let the other people just be...something else will come along...I swear!!!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

Ok...I think I am done with my second ranting of the night...

It will all be over soon...

grrr...

Boys Are Stupid Throw Rocks At Them

So this is what I decided...just now...guys are idiots...the first guy I dated broke up with his girlfriend and then started dating me...I didn't realize that if he did that to her then there was a good chance that if something better came along then he would leave me in a heartbeat...I remember when he broke my heart...I thought it was the end of the world...I look back now and realize it was only a bump in the road...He used me...we used each other...and in the end I got hurt...because he didn't have the nerve to tell me the truth...GUYS: TELL HER THE TRUTH!!! If you don't like her...and you think she's into you...don't lead her on...just tell the poor girl...she'll get over it...I promise...If you don't want to be with her anymore...tell her...she can find someone better...I swear...

Then there were the guys in college...they were such idiots...if you like me...or think there could be an interest...just tell me...so what if I think there is no chance...at least you would know...there is probably a possibility that if you like her...she might like you back (what a novel concept)...GUYS: DON'T PLAY GAMES!!! Mind games are stupid...if your not sure...back off...and make up your mind...grrr...these things are not that difficult...

GUYS: DON'T FEED HER LINES!!! If you say something just because you think it's what she wants to hear...STOP!!! Tell the truth...if you don't like something...tell her...

GRRRRR!!!!!

And you know...another thing...stop complaining...there are plenty of amazing girls out there...so what, if the girl you thought was so amazing ends up being a punk...move on...and if you go back to her after everything she's put you through then you deserve what you get...I just don't understand that...the girl rips your heart out...steps on it a hundred times...and then you are like...please take all of these broken pieces...Why do you want to be with someone who hurt you like that? Maybe it is because I have never been in love that would make me not understand this misguided logic...BUT COME ON!!! Did I miss something...was there a class I was supposed to take...on male idiocy...because that would have been some good stuff to know...

GRRR!!!

I honestly don't know why this all came over me all of the sudden...but it did...I hate guys...and I thank GOD that I am not in a relationship...They are complete morons and there are only a few I still have some faith in...

Just so you know who you are...Josh...Cheese...and Bobby...I still love you and respect you a lot...oh and Bruce will probably read this and should not be lumped with these jerks...he's one of the few good men...Oh...and Shawn too...he's still kind of amazing...even though he might be able to take some advice...he's definatley not among the group labled JERK!!!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

This is What It's All About

It has taken me several years to get to the place I am now...Where I actually enjoy who I am...where I am going...what I am doing...I remember when I was a child...My faith was so strong...I believed (and still do) that God was my everything...and that my purpose in life is to live like Christ...I was such a little warrior...such a vessel...always fighting the good fight...I wanted nothing more than to give everything to God...and never hold back...He was my everything...my all in all...

As I grew up I maintained this mind frame...always giving of everything I had...everything I was...I was a prayer warrior...and fighter...I enjoyed nothing more than allowing myself to soak in the presence of God...One of the most amazing times was when I was in high school and I literally felt as though I were in the river of God...it was so amazing to feel as though the water of God were rushing around me...and then there was the time I saw the angel...That was amazing...you might think I'm crazy...and maybe I am...but I truly believe that I was allowed to see the supernatural at work...to watch as a prayer warrior in the heavenlies prayed with me in my earthly form...God was with me then...He's still with me now...and I know that He is longing for a deeper walk with me...that He wants to take me to a new place...and I am looking foward to it...

When I was 20 years old I made a bold...no...stupid...mistake...I put 10 pills in my hand and I placed them in my mouth...I swallowed them as though they were the pain that I could never seem to get rid of...as though they were the years of failure that I couldn't seem to shake...I took them and I hoped that I would die...I prayed for death...I prayed that I would go to sleep and never wake up...God had other plans...He woke me up...He pumped my stomach...He wasn't done with me yet...

I look back on that time and I know that God must have kept me around for a reason...I know that He has to have something big in store for me...and I know that the enemy isn't ready and willing to just let me do it....Recently the biggest distraction has been this whole relationship thing...I want to be in that relationship so bad...and I keep feeling as though evey year is going to be the year...maybe this next year I will go into things thinking that this is NOT going to be the year...that it is not at all what God has for me...and maybe when that is the case it won't be so hard when it comes to the end of next year...I am really actually liking that idea...WOW!

I am so excited to see what all lies ahead of me...what all is coming up...God is doing something amazing...be a part of it...don't let the things around distract you...God is ready...are you...???

IT BEGINS!!!

Going For It

This week has been CRAZY! Life in general has been that way for me for quite some time. I don't know...for some reason I feel as though I just can't get a grasp on what I am supposed to be doing right now...I want to accomplish all that God has for me...and yet I feel as though I am at a standstill...where nothing is as important as it should be...I don't know why I am just having a such a hard time with this...but for some reason I don't feel as though I am doing enough...

God has called me to be differnt...set me apart...I don't know why...but he doesn't have the same plan for me as he does for most...I think maybe it is time I start going hard after what God wants me to do...that I need to drop everything that is holding me back...this crazy internet...movies...television...and even my desires for a relationship...all of these things I believe are keeping me from accomplishing the will of God...I think I need to take a break...take everything that I have held up...needs to be broken...I need to be broken...I need to let God take all that I am...everything that I am...

I am tired of living my own life...I want to give it all to God...to forget the world...and live seperately...I have always been different...the one that was there...not really fitting in...but always being loved...I just think it's time for me to take this all seriously...it's time for me to stop worrying and start living...I am excited for what God has in store for me...and if He chooses to send along an amazing man...that would be cool...but if He doesn't...I think I'm finally ok with that...

Hold On...

This weekend has been an amazing ride...I think everyone who has been with me would agree that it has been long and full of ups and downs...but every moment has been worth it...I have gained friends and made stronger bonds with those I already knew...My life will be different after this event and I know it...It has been AMAZING! I pray that it has had a lasting impact on those who saw it and those who were involved...

Now...because this is a topic I so frequently visit...Yesterday I was talking to Terry G about the whole relationship thing...and how I am completely fine with where I am...I know God is going to bring me an amazing man...I don't have to worry about anything and that is one of the best things in the world...but...(don't you just love the buts?) with my sister's future wedding looming...I can't help but think about things like that...and then I had a revelation...the whole...Megan getting married before me...kinda mirrors the whole dog vs. cat thing...I'm not going to go into detail about that...because it's not necessary...but it kind of opened my eyes to why I am having such a hard time with it...why this nagging feeling has continued to gnaw at me...Terry G...thanks for being so amazing...for listening to me...I love you!

Let's see...besides that...there is always guy confusion...grrr...I hate boys...they are so dumb...That's all I am going to say about that...

My life is a treasure that has been given to me...and I am blessed to be so loved...This weekend has been a great ride...and I can't wait to see what all God has for the rest of this year...and the one to come...

Serendipity

A turn of events...something happens and you realize that everything is going to turn out ok...you are going to be ok...life is going to give you another chance...another chance to live each day to the fullest...to give each person another chance...to love with everything that you are...

I never want to be the person who doesn't look at the best in everyone I see...maybe that makes me naive...maybe that makes me foolish...but I'm ok with that...I love who I am and I refuse to apologize for me...I might be crazy...and most people don't understand me...they look at me as though I've lost my mind...and I smile...because I'm smarter than they realize...I love that when I make a statement people think that I am such an idiot...but I think that there is some small satisfaction in knowing that I am a little wiser than anyone could even begin to imagine...maybe I shouldn't dumb myself down...oh well

I guess...today's ramblings are very much that...ramblings...My mind is full and my heart is overflowing...I just love where my life is going...I know that there are times when I don't know what is going on and it bothers me that I can't see a lot of what is going on...but I know that God has me in His hand and things are going to be amazing...He has big plans for me..I can't wait to see what they are...

Be praying for this weekend...we are having our Christmas musical and things are beginning to come together but we still have a ways to go...

I'll keep you posted...
Jess

My Life is Amazing

Yesterday I stood in front o my class and told them that I love my job, I love what I do, and I love every single one of my students...but they were making it very hard for me to love my job...and I don't want to hate my job...there are enough teachers out there who feel that way...I truly do love my life...my job...and my students...

Over Thanksgiving break I realized that my students are my life...well that and my best friend was in TN the whole week and I was bored out of my mind...I told her dad last night that he is not allowed to ever take her away from me that long ever again...It was way too long and it made me very sad...LOL

Besides that though...I was thinking last night...I have nothing to complain about...I have a great family and amazing friends...I have a wonderfull job and people who love me...I can't believe that I have spent the last week being all down and out...there are several reasons why, but I shouldn't let those things bring me down...I want everyone to be able to be able to be as content as I am right now...even that one thing that I always complain about isn't going to drag me down right now...I love life...

My life is amazing...

Thank God For Unanswered Prayers...

...remember when you're talking to the man upstairs
just because He doesn't answer, doesn't mean he don't care
some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers...

This year began with fasting and a list of prayer requests...On the top of that list was the desire for God to send my sister and I a Godly man...my personal request was that God would either send me a man or help me be content with being single...I've floated back an forth through thinking I had been given someone...to being content with where God has me...

The year started off with someone asking me out on a date...totally and completely unexpected and even somewhat delightful...and then...in the middle of all of that...I had another guy who suddenly showed interest...and here I thought that God was answering my prayer...a good Christian man who was cute and funny...and I was looking forward to the possibility of a relationship...I felt things that I had never felt before...and then...that fell through...my heart hurt...and then there was nothing...no one...

Somehow it was ok...I felt completely content with where I was...and where I was going...I loved every bit of my life...everything that was my life was amazing...And then I started my new job and life became even better...My students are my life...and I love my life...thus...I love my students...Everything was and pretty much still is amazing...

Then...there was this amazing guy...who was an amazing friend...we were spending lots of time together...more time than I spent with any other guy...and I began to think there was something more...and finally...when I had more than I could take...I brought it up...he then made me feel like a complete idiot for even thinking that he could like me...even though I felt completely horrible...it was amazingly liberating...

Since then...I have taken a step back...I want something to happen, but as I talked to a guy I know last night...he made me realize...that maybe God isn't saying no...He's just saying not right now...I know that He has something amazing out there for me...and I am ready to wait...I'm ready...

I just know that there has to be a reason...and someday I will know what that is...until then...I'll just be content...

I'm Smiling Again

I know that things are going to be alright...I'm smiling...and I just wanted you to know...I love that my life is where it is...even though there are things...unexplainable things...that have been pulling me down...I wish I could explain to people what has been going on...but I don't know how...

Don't worry about me though...everything is fine...I'm just going to have to take it easy...I feel wonderful...I just feel a little out of it...it could be the meds that I am on...but I just wanted you to know that you don't have to worry...I'll be fine...

Love ya...
Jess

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

Is it possible that Disney has forever ruined my concept of romance? A young girl falls in love with a dashing young man and they live happily ever after. Has Hollywood tainted my perception of relationships? This guy does this to get with that girl and that girl doesn't want to be with that guy and they all use each other to try and get what they want. I remember one time, I was watching The Wedding Planner, and at the end of the movie one of my friends said "Why can't that happen to me?" I sat there and thought about all of the stuff that the character Mary went through...she found her fiance making out with someone else the night before her wedding...her mother died when she was younger...she threw herself into her job...she lived a very lonely life...and then she ends up falling in love with someone else's fiance...almost married a guy she didn't love and then...finally...she ended up with Steve. She went through a lot of crap to get to that happy ending...

And when you think about it...in Disney movies...it's the same way...they have to go through so much in order to get the happy ending...which in reality...isn't an ending at all...but a new beginning...We don't know what happens to Cinderella after she and the prince ride off into the sunset...We watch these movies and then blame them for our misconceptions...but if we paid attention we would realize that they are just llike us...messed up...afraid of never finding someone...and realizing that all of the crap was worth it for all of the moments of happiness to come...

I guess I've just been thinking about this a lot...I want my prince charming to come and sweep me off my feet...and all of the crap that I've gone through will difinately be worth it when he comes into my life...but I don't want to be a helpless heroine...I want to be an active part of my story...

I pray continually for the man out there strong enough to be with me...He'll definately have to love me despite who I am...but I think he will be up to the challenge...I can't wait until God directs our paths...to meet with each other...and to live happily ever after (ok...that line is a bunch of something...LOL)

In Pursuit

This weekend has had plenty of ups and downs...God is stretching me and the enemy is attacking me...Tonight I sat crying...talking to a friend about how much I hate satan...I hate his lies...and I hate how easy it is to believe them...God has given me so much...and I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made...

I love this quote...

..Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others...
~ Maryanne Williamson

I don't want to play small anymore...I want to accept the fact that God has called me to be different...I don't want to be sad about now belonging...I want to rejoice in the fact that God has set me apart...Mike said something on Sunday night that is now sticking with me...one day I will find the man that will see me for all that I am and will love every bit of it...and I know that God has that person out there...this weekend has taught me that it could be closer than I think and that I have to let God continue to be in control...

I want to be pursued...I want someone to chase after me...to send me a hundred daisies and love my crazy ways...I will passionately pursue God as I want to be pursued and I know that He will allow things to begin fall into place...

I Hate Life Like...Woah!

Well...I don't really hate life. I just wish I understood things better than I actually do. Things have been so great and then all of the sudden I have a crash and burn and things are horrible again. This weekend has been a total downer for me...I hate that I get this sad and depressed...it makes me MAD! I just get so frustrated...and even more so when I can't explain to people what is wrong with me...I know what's wrong...I truly do...I just don't know how to tell other people so they actually understand why it's wrong...

Last night our college and career group had a progressive dinner...and while this should have been a great time full of fun...I just feel so out of place...I told my friend Justin the other day...I am stuck between two worlds...My friends are either all in college or all married...I have no one in between...and because of that I usually get left out of both worlds and then I belong nowhere...this might sound like one huge pity party...and maybe it is...but this is where I am right now...Even when I am surrounded by people I feel completely alone...

Why can't I just find a place where I belong? I've always been out of place...I've never been able to fit in to a place where I belong...I just stick out...I am born to be different...I should rejoice in my uniqueness...

God has given me this to carry for a reason...and I know that...He wants me to stand strong in the person that I am...and I am trying!!! This weekend has just been so hard...I want to belong...but I don't want to change...I love who I am...I just wish I felt like I belonged...Maybe someday I will find the place where I fit...until then I guess I will just be a square peg in a round hole...

I Love Life Like...Woah!

So this week has been pretty much like every other week, but for some reason I am simply in love with life right now. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I am falling hopelessly back in love with God. I feel like I am right where I need to be and that He is only going to take me to new levels in where I am going.

I've had drama practice the last few weeks and that has been amazing! I can't wait until our play! I love to act, and I love to act silly. This has been such an amazing time and I am excited to see the fruits of this labor. I am also just thankful that I get to be a part of this.

Besides that I am kinda crushing right now...and I kinda like it, kinda don't...My friend Suzie and I were talking today...you know...guys always say it's the girl that is confusing...but they are the ones who won't just come out and say what they want, or don't want, as the case may be. I just wish I knew...I wish I could somehow crack the code and that everything would just make sense...but it doesn't and so I continue to wonder...but it's worth it, because it really is just plain fun to like someone as much as I like this one...

I don't know why I got a sudden burst of happy, but I did...and wanted to share it with all of you before I headed to bed...I love you all so very much!

Jess

So Sick...

Oh my goodness...yesterday was one of the worst days ever!!! I woke up feeling queasy. On my way to work I kept thinking...wow...I feel gross. I got to school and was talking to the teacher that I do duty with and was telling her about it and she looks at me and says "there could be other reasons for it" insinuating that I might be pregnant...I just said no...that wasn't an option...

Through 2nd period I started feeling worse and worse...then it happened...the class change came and I was standing at the door...the kids kept asking me what was wrong, but I felt as though if I opened my mouth I would puke...BOY WAS I RIGHT!!!

I tried to make it to the trash can, but it just didn't happen. It went everywhere...it was gross and disguting and absolutely NASTY!!! It was in my hair, on my clothes, and all over the floor. I was so embarrassed...I thought that I was going to die...Then all day yesterday I felt gross...I got home took a shower and went to bed...It was a rough day...I made it through...and hopefully I am completely over it! Anyways...for those of you who were there and got to watch me...we are closer now than I ever wanted to be...

What a Weekend!!! 7/11 Anyone???

I took Friday off to go to the doctor. Nothing's wrong just needed a check up...and they put me on some medication...I then went to lunch with my friend Kyle...we had a good time...got to catch up with each other...then I went and watched him buy a tv...now he's poor and I don't know that we can be friends anymore...(just kidding Kyle!!!) When I left him I went to dinner with Dan...and made him go to Victoria's Secret with me...oh goodness...good thing he's my favorite...and I'm HIS favorite or he might not ever speak to me again...

On Saturday I had class and then I had drama practice...And then...Matt kept calling me...wondering if I was going to the hockey game...I was not looking forward to going by myself...so I asked Kyle to go with me and he was kind enough to oblige...I then had three teenage girls who all wanted to go see the guys...IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!!! I mean I totally got lost like a hundred times...but it was the greatest trip ever! We laughed so much and then we saw this demonic cat...oh my goodness...it got hit and then it was still alive...oh my goodness!!! When we finally got to Denny's it was fun and the drive home was good...but I had fun with the girls...Katie and Alyssa...you guys rock! Don't forget that there is only about two 7/11's in New Port Richey but we passed them at least 30 times...

I had a blast...a memory I will never forget!!!

God is So Cool

I know that God is good and that He loves me more than anything. It's just that there are days when He gives you a small glimpse at how big He really is. Today on my way home from work I was driving and the nearly empty light came on and I tried to stop for gas, but the place I stopped was out of gas...and so I prayed and my tank went up to a quarter of a tank...how crazy is that...Seriously I was floored by what God can do. It just made me think how cool He is!

Beyond that I am slowly fading into an oblivion. I am struggling to keep my head above the water and feel as though I am drowining. I hate these times when I lose control. More than anything I wish I could regain what little footing I usually have. My life is good and I have nothing to complain about, but there is just something that is trying to eat away at the person I am...I don't know what's wrong with me. I'll be ok, but I wish I were handling things better...My tears are driving me crazy!

GOD IS STILL GOOD!!!

Why Does Love Equal Sex?

Now I don't believe this. In fact, I truly believe that love is better than sex any day. I'm not talking about the physical satisfaction you get from making love (which I have yet to experience), but I am talking about knowing at the end of the day that you didn't give someone something that you can never get back. Sex only lends us temporary satisfaction, when heartbreak stays with us for years.

I found this excerpt from Relevant Magazine and I felt like the author totally had been where I have been:

"I am aware at the most inconvenient of times that my motley mix of sentiments does not lend itself to easy decision making. Like when my young and virile body says yes, yes, yes and my cautious and convicted mind says no, no, no. Like when the candle is lit and his arms just feel so good, and I would love nothing more than to show him just how much he means to me because words will no longer do. Like when he's sitting two feet away, and I somehow have to muster up the courage to admit to us both that conviction trumps libido, and I will not be sleeping with him tonight, tomorrow or any day between now and matrimony. I simply can't take that risk, because I haven't found a condom strong enough to hold back my tender heart from fusing itself to his irrevocably. Furthermore, I don't want to.

But tonight the mood is right and we have to make a decision, or the decision will make us. I try to avoid his ocean eyes so as to not throw my life preserver to the sharks and willingly sink into their depths until I am little but a foregone conclusion. There is no earthly way, I realize, that we will be able to reach a conclusion that satisfies us both—in the emotional and the carnal sense. S-E-X turned out to not be such a small word after all.

There's simply no earthly way.

And then I remember …

I am not of this earth. My body is not my master. I am not meant to drift aimlessly through the landscape of indecision in a bewildered stupor. I am meant to run free, and when the weight of the world starts to drag my feet down, I am meant to cast all my cares on God, for He cares for me and is able to sustain me (Ps. 55, 1 Peter 5). There is no earthly way I can reconcile my twentysomething-year-old hormones with my ageless faith. But there is a Godly way, or He would not be God. After all, He invented sex, you'd think He'd be willing to help us figure it out. And He will—that's just the kind of guy He is.

Now that's the kind of risk from which I don't need a condom to protect me."

I thank God that I am made in His image and that He gave me life and love. I want to be in love more than anything in the world, but I am scared. Scared that I will not let God have control. Scared that I will be hurt again. I guess more than anything right now I just want to love without holding back. I want to just let God have complete control! It will be perfect, I just know it!

My Beautiful Weekend

This weekend has been amazing on so many levels. I woke up yesterday morning to what I thought was my alarm clock, but it was my phone. Scott Eric Dent was calling to wake me up and tell me that he was in town. I was so excited! I got to spend time with him and some of his youth group. It always makes me happy when I get to see him because he has been such a big part of my life. I was sad that Amanda wasn't there though, but being about to bust with Riley (the new addition to the Dent clan) she wasn't up for the travel. I can't believe that he is going to have two children...CRAZY!!!

Besides that I got to see my best friend in the entire world! She came in and so we went to dinner and then she went with me to the homecoming game. Then she got to meet Dan, Justin and Rebekah. This made my whole life seem very exciting. It's almost as if two worlds became one last night and it was great!

Today was so AMAZING! I spent pretty much the entire day with Rebekah and we went shopping and she was patient with me. Even when I got tired and cranky she still put up with me. I love that girl. If she reads this then she should know that she's amazing...not me...LOL And boy does that girl know more than she wants to. I love her!

Tonight was crazy wild. It is probably a good thing that I was homeschooled...LOL Those kids were going at it. I think it made me want to have a boyfriend even more, for so many reasons, but mostly because I want someone to make out with...LOL

I love those kids...they were so awesome! Each and everyone of them looked like they were having fun, minus the drama of course...

Well it is almost 1 am and I am about about wiped...

Until later
Jess

To End a Day in Tears

Oh goodness...today I was so stressed out! This morning something that I guess I never really imagined happened in my class room...I can't even tell you what actually happened...all I know is that when it was all said and done I had two students who were on the ground throwing punches at each other...I thought that I was going to cry! In fact I think I almost did! Actually I did...just not in class...I waited until I was on my way home...

Boy was that an experience...at least now I know what that's like. Someone asked me if I got in there and split it up...and I said they were crazy! It happened and the rest of my day wasn't exacly the best but it was better than the beginning...of course then I got home and thought that I was going to die because I wasn't done with my homework and so I did as much as I could but I couldn't get it done and so I was in tears on the way to class...and then I get there...and we didn't even have homework due for the night...GRRRR!!!

Anyways...something I realized today...I love my life...and I love my friends...truly I can't imagine what my life would be like without you guys...You make my life worth living...I mean God is the reason I'm here...but you are definately the reason God put me here...You are each amazing and I thank you for being a part of my life!

Love ya!

Quotes on Love

Here are some quotes that make me smile...and some that make me want to cry...

We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love. ~Unknown

Love is being stupid together. ~Paul Valery quotes

'You'll get over it...' It's the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not erased by anyone but death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit. Why would I want them to? ~Unknown

It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them. ~Agatha Christie

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays. ~Unknown

Love is when you shed a tear and still want him, it's when he ignores you and you still love him, it's when he loves another girl but you still smile and say I'm happy for you, when all you really do is cry. ~Unknown

Love that we can not have is the one that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest... ~Unknown

The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along.
~Jalal ad-Din Rumi

Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable. ~Bruce Lee

I try to talk to you, but I don't know what to say. I am afraid you don't want me to say anything. So I don't. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out.And tell you how I feel-like how I miss you. And how I love you despite my broken heart.And how I need you in my life. And especially how much I want you.But those words may forver stay in my heart-locked inside.Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside you too... but I'll never know. ~Unknown

My Day...and Other Stuff

So today hasn't been the best day ever...I mean it wasn't horrible on the scale of fabulous to sucks...but it wasn't the greatest. I mean, I love my job, but today was one of those days where I had to remind myself that I love what I do and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Have you ever just had a day where one thing puts a kink in all that you do...well that's what happened to me this morning...I was going about my business...ready to start class...the students won't stop talking and write their journals and then I start with a lesson on comma splices...and BAM I have this kid who asks why we are doing this...I couldn't be like...because your papers sucked and we need to fix these problems...who cares whether or not they were the rough drafts (because that is the excuse that I got)...the chance that you will make the same mistake on your final paper as you did in your rough draft is pretty good...GRRRR!!!

Not that the rest of my day was bad...it's just that I let that one thing bother me...it still is bothering me...I just need to get over it and let it go...I want my students to want to learn...but I know that that is asking a lot...I love my students...all of them...even the ones that give me a headache...I love my job...what I do is my life...I know that God put me in this place for a reason...and someday maybe these kids will look back and think...wow...Ms. B really cared a lot about us...

I am tired and really need to grade papers, but I am procrastinating because I really want to go to bed early and wake up on time...

Besides all of that my life is pretty much the same...I am trying not to think of wanting to be in a relationship, because as much as I deny it...it is truly what I want...someday my prince will come...right? Who knows...maybe I will just be alone...and I need to be ok with that...I think that right now single sets well with me...I am holding out for a Wentworth Miller...Someone tall...dark...HOT...and highly intelligent...did I mention HOT? Ok guys...I love you...

Jess

Oh I Hate Tears

So...my life has been great recently...I actually love my life...feel like I am going in the right direction, feel like my life is finally as it should be...Then last night I cried so hard...I hate crying...it makes me feel as though the world has won and I have lost complete control...

How is it that I can go from feeling as though everything is as it should be to feeling so very miserable? I was praying today as I was driving and I began to think that I am being hit where it hurts the most. It's like this...all summer I've been great with the no relationship thing, I'd even felt as though I had totally given this part of my life to God...notice the past tense there...? Well I guess the last few weeks it has been on my mind and my heart and I have just let it get the better of me...I cried so hard last night...crying to God, "When is it going to be my turn?"

Now I know that I am not old...I have plenty of time left...but as Rebekah and I were talking about today...I finally feel as though I am right where I need to be in life...I don't know what else I need to do to be ready for God to give me someone...I have waited and I have been so good...why is it that I just can't find someone to love me? That's all I want...someone that loves me...who won't look at me like I am crazy even though I am...I just feel as though I am never going to find someone...and there will always be someone out there that they would rather be with...and I hate when the enemy deals such a low blow...

I just don't want it to hurt...I want to truly seek God and I know that this is only a distraction...I want to give Him my all...because I know that He has something amazing out there for me...something truly special...better than anything I have ever imagined...Just keep me in your prayers when you think about it...I know that a breakthrough is coming...IT BEGINS!!

I'm In Love (2nd Edition)

So tonight when I was in the shower I was thinking about what I wrote...While all still holds true i forgot to mention that beyond loving my life...there is also the love of my life...Jesus Christ! WOW!!! He is simply amazing...Recently I have had several people tell me that I have been on their mind...and that they have been praying about me...which is so cool by the way...

Wednesday night Mrs. Davis told me that she really felt that God wanted me to read Psalm 20...While I wasn't putting it off I just kept forgetting to do it...yesterday morning I got out my Message Bible and turned to Psalm 20...My favorite part is when it says "an answer's on the way, everything's going to work out." How amazing is that? God has answers out there for me and they are coming my way...every prayer that I have cried out to Him this year is in the process of being answered...I love how He works...

It is late and I am wired because I can't stop thinking about what God is doing in my life...He is so amazing and I take Him for granted so often. I am in the middle of a fast and I continue to think how this should be an ongoing thing...I feel more focused on Him and not so much on me...I am seeing the things I am thankful for and I am letting Him take away all my stress

I serve an amazing God...He continues to work in and through me...do not give up...do not back down from the call that God has placed on you life...He is getting ready to do NEW things...IT BEGINS!!!

I'm In Love

Today I was posting a comment on a friend's page it I told her that I am in love with my life. I can't believe how blessed I have been to have to opportunities that God has given me. I truly love everything that my life holds at the moment.

There are days when things don't go perfectly. I was sad yesterday, so sad in fact that I almost cried. I was sad because I had let my feelings get hurt over something that wasn't even a big deal, and then there's the guy issue. I truly feel as though I've gone back to my old way of thinking...the way in which all I do is think about being single and that I will never find the one...I would love to think that I have met the right guy...and I know that people say...when you know...you know...but I just want it to happen...

Who knows...let's change the subject...

IT BEGINS!!!

God is getting ready to do something big and now I can't wait to see where He is taking me...

PRAISE GOD!!!

Let's Talk About...

Boys...I was skimming through a book of mine entitled "Lady in Waiting" and began to read the underlined or highlighted sections of the chapters. I realized what I have been saying the last few months...that I am happy/content with being single. As I sat there looking through that book I reminded myself that I still feel that way. I enjoy being single, knowing that God is shaping my story. I love that He has my plan in His hand and that I don't have to worry about it at all. Looking at that book though, I also realized that I haven't matured much in my outlook on relationships. I read the book when I was a junior in college and here I am five years later and have little difference in the way I handle relationships. I would love to be involved in a mature relationship where things seem to have high functionality. Not that I can't, but I don't know that I am doing very well at the whole acting mature thing.

I don't know if this is due in part to the fact that I've never really had a mature relationship, and while i have been in relationships I don't know how valid I would count them. I have decided that I am just going to refocus on my happiness, the love of my job, and life today. I will stop looking to the possibliity of a relationship, and will refocus on my relationship with Christ.

I am still excited about life, about where I am headed and about where I am at. I know that God is in charge of this whole possible relationship thing, or lack thereof...and I will just let Him have control...I will just mess things up...Who knows what's in store...

Another Day

So life goes on now much as it always has...I love my life still...and I am in love with my job...I guess there are bad days, but I get through them without much problem. I love everything that I am going through right now...I am amazed at how great God is...and all that He is doing in my life. I can't wait to see where He is taking me...I know that there is so much more going on in my life that He must have control over...

I am not confused at the moment, but I am interested in seeing what is going to happen in my life...One day God is going reveal everything to me and it will all make sense...

I don't really have all that much to write these days...what with a life that is full of beauty and peace...my blogs of turmoil are obsolete...not that I am complaining...in fact it gives me great satisfaction...I can't wait to see what God is doing in my life...

Life as it Should Be

Each day goes by giving me new challenges to face...and at the end of each day I feel as though I am exactly where I should be. God has done so much for me and I am so excited at where I am in my life that I can't imagine life any other way.

Yesterday we put an offer in on a house...and they accepted. We are moving to Bartow! I am so excited. God keeps placing one blessing after another in our lives. I love where I am at right now. I still love my job. Even the bad days are good. Teaching high school English is exactly what I should have been doing all along.

I pray that as each of you go through life you will latch on to the experiences that God gives you and that you would let the world know what a great God He is.

God is good and His mercy endures forever.

Love ya!
Jess

God's Blessings Pouring Over Me

Last night I was working on grading papers and going through the list of my students and I almost began to cry...not because I am overwhelmed, but because God has blessed me so richly...I love my job...so much so that I was almost in tears due to it...I think it funny how God brought me to a place I never thought that I would be...

This challenge that God has given me recently...I believe that it is to teach me growth...God has something big in store for me and I am ready and excited to see what happens...I am sad in some ways...you know how you can feel that doors are closing around you, and God is opening up new ones that you never even knew were there...I am so blessed to know that God is an answerer of prayers...He has answered so many this year and I am interested to see how He answers the others still being prayed...but I have learned that God is a God of perfect timing...He knows exactly when to do something...and exeactly when to hold back...

I pray that God grant me patience...and yes...that is a prayer for patience...I truly believe that God wants to stretch my patience...because I have always been a patient person, but I see more and more where I can grow in this area. I thank God so much for all that He has done, and all that He is going to do...Keep your heads up...one day you will wake up and say "I am in the will of God" and it will feel amazing...I know because I do this every day!

Jess

So...Life...

Ok...Life is still good...I am still loving it...but I am tired and drained...This week is only half way through and I am already dragging here...but I still love my job and can't wait to get deeper into the subject.

I guess mainly...if anyone is actually reading this (I know there are a few of you faithful readers out there)...Please be praying...because through my happiness God is challenging me...stretching me to reach to a new level...I am excited but I know that what I face is going to be a challenge...I just ask that you keep me in your prayers...and specifically pray that God give me direction...Thank you guys so much!

It's been great being this happy...I don't know the last time when I felt so happy with where I was in life...but right now I am truly ecstatic to be in this place at this time...

Love you!
Jess

Random Blog

Not that the title has anything to do with what I am writing about, but it seemed an interesting fact to me.

So...life...it's good...isn't it? I love my life right now...I had the most amazing experience this weekend. As most of you know...I was born and raised in Kentucky. I got to spend time with a friend of mine that I basically grew up with. It's interesting because they moved to Florida when we were seven and eight years old...Then we moved to Florida about eight or nine years ago...and we have seen each other maybe twice in those eight years...so...I went to Ft. Myers and got to spend the weekend with her and her fiance...It was amazing...they are truly meant for each other and watching that is beautiful...

I had such an amazing time and my summer is now over...tomorrow I go back to work...and I am so excited...I can't help but be excited about where my life has come to...I never thought that this is where I would be...in fact...if you had told me this two years ago...I would have laughed in your face...but God knows better than me...

I can't wait to see what the rest of the year holds for me...God has answered so many prayers...and I am loving my life...I love my friends...and I even love being single...something I never thought that I would hear come out of my mouth...but my life is in God's hand...I am so happy...I want everyone to be able to feel this way...do I have bad days...well...yeah...but those bad days are just learning experiences...and a chance for the next day to be even better...I love God's promises...

Keep Him first in your life...and learn to love where you are now...don't be anxious about tomorrow...we're not even guarunteed that...

A Celebration of Love

I know...two in one day...there must be something wrong with me...

I got back from a wedding a couple hours ago and it was one of the most amazing events that I have ever been to. I think the reason behind that is because I know both people in the couple, their hearts and where life has taken them...Their love story is beautiful. I laughed and cried today as they told of their love and committed themselves to one another...it was beautiful! I am so happy for them...Callie will never know how much watching her love story unfold has helped me to believe in my own. It was after I heard of their enagement and pending nuptuials that I began to realize I don't want to be bitter...love is beautiful and I don't want to spend my life hating the fact that I am without a man to love and love me in return...I have so much love surrounding me...I don't want to give in to the pressures of this world...that marriage is what makes you happy (this is more so in the Christian community than anywhere else)...I'm not saying that getting married is bad...as seen today...it is beautiful...what I am saying is that love will find me when God is ready for it to happen...

I love my life...I love where God is taking me...and most of all I love Him! He has brought me out of darkness and He has taught me new light...I can't wait to keep living my life...I know that someday God will place someone in my life who will sweep me off my feet...He will make me want to fall in love with him everyday...and everyday I will...

Love, Hope, Faith

And the greatest of these is love.

Into His Heart

I want to be stronger. I want to truly run after God with all of my heart and I feel as though recently I've only put in a half-hearted attempt at our relationship. He has done so much for me...and I just can't seem to give him much of anything these days. It doesn't make sense...I used to be so in love with Him...We used to talk constantly, and now we never talk to each other any more...although if He were talking...I can't honestly say I've been listening...

Have I become tainted? Is that why there is a wall that I feel keeps pushing me further and further away from His love...I know He is always there for me...I have no doubt about that...but I know I'm not trying hard enough...and knowing that is what kills me...He has saved me countless times...He has rescued my life and soul...and yet I still do not give Him all that He deserves...

I want to be a world changer...but first I have to be a me-changer...I need to start on the inside...I can't change those around me until I myself change...God is so good and I don't want to belittle Him...I don't want to take Him for granted...I don't want to lose faith...My God is powerful and I know that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength...I just want to be at the place where I rely souly on Him...He is so good to me...He lifts me up when I am down and He knows all there is to know about me and still loves me...I want to lay down my sins, my pride, my bitterness...all of it...down at His feet...I want to stand and walk away from all that has held me down...

Please pray that I be able to do that...I want to be that quote on my page...I want to be so into the heart of God that they only way a man can find me is through HIM!!! And so I seek to be in His heart...to love Him and live for Him daily...

Jess

What is She Saying? (I Don't Know Either)

On Wednesday I left the town of Madisonville and headed to Holiday World...for those of you who don't know...it is an amusement park in Santa Claus, Indiana...I used to go there all the time when younger...I always loved it...

I spent the day with high school students...not much of a change from the usual...I had so much fun with these kids...they were an interesting bunch...we rode rides and had a blast...

The trip home was funny...I had two couples thinking I was spying on them...which I totally wasn't...but as I sat there I thought that they probably thought I was crazy...of course I always thought that people feel that way about me...I hope I'm not too crazy...people reading this probably think that I am crazy because I am kind of tired...and none of this is really making sense to me...so...am I crazy...???

I love anyone who reads this...you guys are amazing...

Jess

This is the Story of a Girl

When I think about my life and where it has taken me I realize that I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I love where the twists and turns have lead me. It isn't always easy to understand why we go through the things we do at the moment we are facing them...but each moment has been a lesson learned. I have learned to love, to forgive, to push through even when I feel like giving up and to accept the twists and turns as they come. I don't pretend to understand all that I have faced...I remember when being an adult was something we only dreamed of...when our worlds seemed so small...and now I look around and all I see is possibility...

I am so excited about my life...about where God is taking me and the journey I am on to get there...Did I think things would be different...well of course I did...I think that there are many times when we imagined something only to realize it wasn't the right time for that to be in our lives...

I talked to an old friend of mine today and told her that being single isn't as bad as I thought it would be...or have thought that it was...I love being single...I love that I am my own person and that I choose not to change for anyone...no matter how hot he is...

Learn to love yourself...learn to love your life...God has you where you are for a reason...make the most of it...and when you least expect it...all your dreams will begin to fall in to place...I can't wait for my dreams to come true...but I know that waiting just means something amazing is going to happen...

Happiness of Being Home

I think sometimes it is the simple things in life that make us appreciate what we have. Today has been a day of simple pleasures...and tonight has been a night filled with laughter...I don't know what it is about being home that makes the goofiness in me come out...now...many of you may think that you have seen goofy Jessica...but just ask my cousins and they will tell you that you haven't seen nothin'

I sat at the table tonight laughing so hard that tears were coming to my eyes and I asked why people feel the need to get drunk when they can feel the high I got tonight just from enjoying my family...add my craziness in there and you have a riot session. I laughed at everything...we now have this new inside joke and everytime I see the color pink...or hear someone say it I will reverently think of Barry Manilow...LOL

I love my family...I got my cousin a birthday card...and on the outside it said...Just think about what it means to be a part of this family!...on the inside...And try to have a happy birthday anyways...LOL...I loved it...and so did she...man our family is amazing...and horrible all at the same time...I guess you would have to be a part of it to truly understand...

Anyways...on with this greatness of being at home...so tonight I got to go to Christian Assembly...which is the church that I grew up in...I love going there...it makes me miss home...but it also reminds me of where I came from...keeps me grounded...I got to see some of my youth...which in turn made me miss my youth in Florida...I thought about you guys...Amanda (who spoke tonight), Rueben, Casey, John, Christa, Candace, Andrew, Katherine, Matt, Amanda B., Jessica, Rachel, Tiffany...oh goodness...I feel like I am leaving someone out...Danielle...Jen...man...I miss you guys already...but it was great to see Tori, Patrick and Seth...I've missed you tons...

It's hard to have two homes...I belong in both so well...who knows whether or not God will be bring me back here...but I know that for this time Florida is my home...and I love her and miss her dearly...

Later Days...

This is My Choice

This may sound like a rant to some of you and possibly that is what it is. I just feel that this is something I need to say...because I had to say it this weekend and it only served to build the intensity in my stance. Being single is not something that just happened to me. This is a choice for me. Don't get me wrong...I would love to be in the right relationship with an amazing guy, but that amazing guy hasn't walked into my life yet, and until he does...this being single thing...well it is my choice.

This person I talked to this weekend...I already knew how he preceived me..."Poor Jessica...I hope I don't end up like her...25 and alone." Actually he said that to me last night...It hurt me...because he made me feel as though being single was a bad thing. I have news for you...it isn't!

Yes, there are times when I would like to have someone to share certain moments with...but I feel that this is the time in my life where I am growing as a person. I sincerely believe that I have grown over the course of this year...I have learned that there is more to life than a relationship...I have learned to forgive and move on...life is too short to hold grudges...My life is my own...and I am able to take this time and give my all to God...to truly seek His will for my life...and I wouldn't trade that for anything...not even the right relationship...

The fact is...I could choose to be in a relationship right now...there have been many times in my life where I could have chosen that...but I don't want to be in just any relationship...I want to be in the right relationship...but I want God to take care of that...and I believe that He will...there is obviously a reason He wants me to be single right now...and while I can't see it today...one day I will be able to look back and realize that God brought me down this road for a reason...

For those of you who are single...stop feeling sorry for yourself...get out there and live life...who knows...maybe while you are busy living...God will bring someone amazing your way...

For those of you who are married...don't worry about us singletons...we will be fine...you were...weren't you...let God write our love story...like He wrote yours...So many of you are an inspiration to me...keep loving one another and be an example to others...

To those of you who are too young to worry about whether you are single or in a relationship...don't let something that is meant for your future ruin your today...I look back and realize I let the thoughts of a relationship take up way too much of my time...enjoy life today...and let God handle tomorow...

Still loving my choice...
Jess

Normalcy?

I think it is funny how I either write when everything is super great or when it is super bad...but how about when life is just...life?

There really isn't much going on in my life at the moment, but I am happy...content with where my life is...I know that many times when I write in my world wide blog I go on and on about my highs and lows...but I guess it is nice to know that there are days when life is just normal...I know...it's hard to believe that Jessica could have normal related to any part of her life...but it is true...

Exciting news...I got the position at George Jenkins High School...I am so very happy about this change...I am also excited about how much God is using me recently...and my upcoming trip to Kentucky...so it's not that life isn't good...or that it isn't bad...it's just that I am looking forward to every day...

Don't let these times pass you by...remember to hold on to the greatness of normalcy...because in my experience...it usually doesn't last long...

I Just Need Someone to Listen

Do you ever have something to say, but feel as though you have no one to listen...today you are my captive audience, those who read must hear the words I'm trying to say...

Before you continue reading, know that this will not be a happy blog, know aslo that I do not want the typical "everything will be alright" comment...I just need to get this off of my chest...and as I use this as my journal...I must say what I've needed to say...because no one will listen...

All I wanted was some time to myself...that's all I wanted...no...all I NEEDED...My weeks have been full, and my weekends have been packed with things to do...I needed some alone time...time to take a break from being pleasant...time to take a break from the happy me...time to just unwind...to walk around in my underwear and sing at the top of my lungs...

As I settled in for this much needed time...underwear and all...my brother calls..."We'll be at the house in five minutes"...we being him and his roommate...so I go get dressed...and I'm thinking..."great...the dishes aren't done...the house is a wreck...I'm not wearing any clothes...I just bought food for me for the next two weeks, but nothing for these guys to eat..."

So they get there...they complain and complain...they are hungry...there is nothing to make...they make fun of the fact that I need a recipe to make something...and then...I am tired...I didn't go to bed until almost 4 the night before...and I had to wake up at 6...I was running on two hours of sleep...I needed to go to bed...So I did...thinking they were leaving...I get woken up by my brother the next morning...He needed to use my car...sure whatever...just let me go back to sleep...He gets back...his roommate sleeps all day...all they end up doing is watching movies...cool...whatever...I watched with them...I had plans for the evening...so I go to leave...they are still there...doing NOTHING!!!!!!!!! I leave...go to the mall...go to the movies...get home...they are still there...I already had plans to stay in Bartow that night...so I leave...oops...I forgot my shoes...I call my brother...ask him to bring them to me at church today...he says ok...

I wake up this morning...call him...remind him to bring me my shoes...he calls back...15 minutes before church..."we're not coming because my roommate won't wake up" and they had driven his roommate's car to the house...so they don't even go to church...I get home...they are in the exact position they were when I left the previous night...I was frustrated!!!! I mean REALLY frustrated!!!!

So then I go to Blockbuster...and then Wal-Mart...I ask them if they are going to get out of the house...if they are going to do something...I just need a couple of hours to myself...they pester me...I try to clean...they keep asking the same questions over and over and over again...they keep laughing behind my back and won't tell me what they are laughing at...I just needed a break...they wouldn't leave...no...they didn't leave until I started crying...then they were like...oh let's leave...

And now they are gone...and all I want to do it cry...I can't even enjoy the few hours I have to myself...because they ruined those too!!!! Maybe I am being selfish...and childish...but then he thinks he has the right to lecture me...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I was doing so good...things were going so well...I hate feeling like this...like I just don't want to exist...like everything would be better without me...why won't they listen...why does he turn his back on me when I try to talk...why does everyone shut me out...why don't I matter...why why why why why why why why why why.......

I'm tired...and my tears hurt...that's all...

the end

Contemplating Moments

Our lives are a compilation of moments that we remember and the ones that we try not to. Have you ever sat around trying to remember things that you've experienced. These moments aren't a big deal, they probably weren't when they happened either. But have you ever stopped to retrace a moment. What were you feeling, what was happening to the people around you?

Today I learned that someone who used to be a part of my life, passed away. I haven't had much contact with this person in the last few years, but when I was a child she was a big part of my life. I remember one time I was staying at a friends house...my friends name was Heather...we wanted to go swimming, and my aunt had a pool...we could walk to her house from where we were...so we did...but it was really early in the morning...I remember her coming out of her house...she wasn't mad...she just said maybe we should come back later in the day...she was always so nice...and she always smelled so good. I remember when her daughter died from cancer...that was a sad moment...I remember picking blackberries in her backyard...I remember the first and only time I ever got a spanking with a belt was when I left her house without telling anyone...I remember her garage...that's where the pool toys were...I remember the plastic plates that made the paper plates stronger...I always wanted a red one...so many cookouts...passing by her place every time I went to church...

Although she has not known me these last 15 years...I will always have those somewhat meaningless memories...and for that I am thankful...

I love you Aunt Juanita!

Live Like You Were Dying

So I've been thinking today (something to do with the fact that I am going to a wedding shower tonight)...I've decided that I am putting all of this moping about not being in a relationship behind me...I was thinking that when I get married I want people to be happy for me...and I will be wanting them to have a journey of their own...one where they end up with their perfect match. I am tired of being all down about this...get over it Jess...there is more to life...you obviously have more to do...don't just sit around and wait for something to happen...go out there and live...

I watched Last Holiday this weekend, and I have to say...that is how I want to live...I want to live every moment as though it were my last...I want to tell everyone how I feel...I want to hold nothing back...I want experience life...not just read about it in books...IT BEGINS...is what I have been saying for so long, but now it is time to live it...I want each moment to count...Kirsten Dunst said in Elizabethtown..."Everyday should have a purpose"...I want to live that way...so today I live with a reason in mind...that reason is to serve God and to be the best me I can be...

I am excited...and I want to continue this outlook on life...today I give Him my all!

You Win Some and You Lose Some

Fortune: Stop searching. Happiness will find you.

There are days when I feel as though the world is perfect. My life is going exactly as it could be. I love my job, my friends, my future...I am excited about all that my life has going for it. Then there are days when I think that I am alone, that I haven't started the next chapter in my life, and I wonder why it hasn't happened for me.

It was funny today, because Christa wrote that being single sucks...and I said..."You know what sucks more...being 24 and single." It really doesn't suck all the time, just on days when I think about that next phase of life. I am excited about starting my life joined with someone else, but I wish I knew when that was going to happen. I am still young by many standards, and I know that, but I don't want to be an old mom. I want to have the chance to watch my kids grow up, and their kids grow up...I don't want to be 30 before I have my first child. I guess in the long run it really isn't up to me. God has this in His hands, and although I don't always enjoy hearing that...I know it is the truth.

I told mom today that God must have something really amazing out there for me. I guess I am writing all of this to say that some days are good and some days are bad. Enjoy the good days and don't beat yourself up for the bad ones.

Oy With the Poodles Already

These past few days have been emotional for me. Let's see...the biggest thing is that my sister is having surgery on Tuesday to have a knot removed...they are going to do a biopsy and see what it is...while I know that God is in control...I can't help but be a little concerned...I love my sister...she is amazing...so beautiful...and partially my hero (I can't discount Josh completely here)...I am praying that everything turns out to be nothing...I know God has this in His hands...

Compared to that, the other emotional battles I have faced seem like nothing...but still...it will help to put them into words...On Thursday I sat talking to my mom...she was telling me about a new professor at Warner and she was telling me that her name was "Ciana" pronounced "Shawna"...Now, since I was a young girl I have always wanted to name my daughter Ciana Claire (pronounced "C-na)...so my mom said to me "I'm going to adopt a little girl and name her Ciana Claire...since you are never going to have any children"...Ouch!

The other thing that happened was today at lunch. One of my best friends (Amanda) and I are getting ready to start an event planning business together...focusing on weddings...so my brother says "Hey, that's like the movie The Wedding Planner, if you can't wed, plan." I started crying...I know that might seem ridiculous, but it really hurt...

I already struggle with the thought of never having that in my life, that I don't need the people closest to me, making me feel as though I am right...I know that God has something amazing for me...and I can't wait until the day he reveals it to me...

All That I'm Waiting For

My prayer this year has been that God would send my help-mate, or help me be content in being single. The first Sunday after Pastor Mike's prayer retreat, he came up to me before service and said, "You're gonna find yourself a MAN." I laughed and brushed it off. Not that I doubted it would happen, because I believe that with God, all things are possible. It was just that I didn't want to get my hopes up.

I faced the year with the thought that if something happened I would be happy, but if nothing happened my life wouldn't change, I would remain happy. I found myself at the beginning and end of what I thought could be two somewhat potential relationships (not that I thought either relationship was the right relationship).

Now that I am back to where I started I wonder at what God has out there for me...I mean...I know it has to be amazing...I believe that the one God has for me will be somewhat like this...

- A MAN after God's own heart! The spiritual leader of my household, someone who will lead me in devotions and push me to be all that God has called me to be.

- Romantic, but not mushy. Someone who cares enough to find out what my favorite flower is, and doesn't just get me roses because it's the flower that seems most romantic.

- Patient. I am an emotional person and I know that the man who will be mine will also be the man who won't let my tears hinder our love.

- Kind. I need a man with a servant's heart. Who looks to the needs of others before he looks to the needs of himself.

- Someone who won't look at me like I am crazy...even though I am...

- Someone who doesn't just think I'm beautiful, but someone who convinces me that I am.

I know that God has my perfect piece out there...and I can't wait until the day when God reveals it to us...but until that day I hope I can remain patient...ever aware that God is in control...and that He loves me with all that He is...

Never Ending Beginning

This has been by far one of the most amazing weekends that I have had in quite some time! I am so used to the ups and downs of my life and this weekend is was a plethera of ups. It's not that I even did anything interesting. I just had a good weekend full of friends and laughter.

On Friday I had drama practice and afterwards we went to Wendy's. It was funny because I went in and sat down after the guys had gotten there. While they were all ordering I went and got a seat...only two of the four saw me...well...the other two got their food and sat down...four tables away from me...they never looked in my direction and so I began to sniff my shirt (thinking that maybe I smelled bad)...one of the guys who had seem me come in kind of motioned to what I was doing...I said "I'm trying to figure out of I smell bad or something"...the guys had never seen me and when they heard me they rushed to sit with me...it was so funny...

On Saturday I had drama practice...after that I just went home and worked on my online class. It wasn't anything fun...I just did that and watched Hallmark movies all day...I loved it!

Today has probably been the best day! I got to watch these kids who have been working their butts off minister to our congregation today...and they blew the house away! I am so excited to see what else God has in store for them!...IT BEGINS!!! I know that God is going to do something big, I mean...He is DOING something BIG!!! AHHH!!! I wish I could share my excitement more...I am sooooooo excited. I also think that I am just on a Jesus high!

I also got the amazing opportunity to eat lunch with two of my favorite people on earth...Dan and Rebekah...Seriously...I can't imagine my life without these guys...I don't remember what it was like before they were around...and I am going to be so sad when they leave me for the summer...but I still have a little while with them! I also got to see Cassie today and that always makes me happy...She's so amazing...I have been blessed this year with the new friends that I have made and the relationships that have gotten stronger!

I don't know...I guess tonight I just wanted to share with you guys the excitement that I am feeling right now! I also wanted to let you guys know how absolutely amazing you are! I couldn't ask for better friends!

Jess

Taking It One Day At a Time

It's been a while since my last blog...I think that I have been in a somewhat melancholy state of mind and my writer's block falls into place during these times...I have also been trying to come to grips with the reality around me...I feel as though I have been somewhat detatched recently...I hate that feeling...

Life tends to come at us in ways which we don't expect...sometimes these ways are gladly recieved while at other times we are left wondering why our experiences have led us here...I think that right now I am stuck somewhere between those two places...I know that as you (my dear regular readers) read my thoughts you can see the up and down emotional rollercoaster that I experience almost on a daily basis...This rollercoaster has hit a few steep downward moments in the past month or so...

Emotionally my life has been rough as of late...I have spent more time with my tears than I have in almost a year...I hate that...It scares me to think that I could lose control of everything that has become stable...I have embraced my somewhat sane existence...and to think that that delicate world is threatened...frightens me beyond words...

I know that things can only get better...and that there must be something big out there for me...but I kind of wish it would just happen you know? It would just all fall into place...so that I no longer fear the unknown, but that I take it as it comes...that I see what lies ahead...and I look in that direction without fear...

I have been plagued with fears recently...the fear that I will never accomplish anything...the fear that I will fail all those around me...the fear that I have become something others depise...the fear that I will always be alone...the fear that I will never be good enough...I don't want to fear anymore...I want to embrace hope...because my hope in Him is the only silver lining I see right now...

Make These Tears Dry Up

I feel like I am back to where I was several years ago. It was possibly the worst trip I had ever been on. It was the type of trip that bitterly reminded me that I was alone. We were driving to Kentucky and as Mom and Dad drove, Megan was with her boyfriend, and Brandon was with his girlfriend, and then there was me...alone. Now each one of them have gone through the pain of breakups, but they are each both in new relationships. Brandon is with his girlfriend, Megan is with her new boyfriend...and here I am...still alone.

I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I am the oldest, or I just can't understand the fact of why someone doesn't want me...but right now my heart is hurting. Why doesn't anyone want me? I am so sick of these tears...I am so sick of these lies. Is it beyond someone to love me? I don't know what to do...I want to be patient...and I know that God has to have something amazing out there for me...but I can't help but feel that I am nothing more, and will always be nothing more, than the friend...I will continue to watch those that I love begin and end and begin and end relationships, until the day I am invited to the wedding...

I don't want to hurt anymore...I think at the beginning of the year the prayer was that God would either send me someone, or help me be content in being single...Right now I just want to be content...I don't want a relationship...I am tired of trying...I hate this right now...every tear that falls just hurts worse. I don't want to hurt anymore...So forgive me my rant...I just needed to let go. Some people don't understand how my writing is my relief...I doubt that you would understand if I tried to explain now...but I love you guys...and I know you love me...

Please...I do not want to hear how it will happen for me...and that I shouldn't feel this way...because I know that if it is God's will it will happen, and if not he will see me through...I know that this too shall pass...and I can't wait until it does...

All my Love,
Jess

Deja Vu

Have you ever felt as though you have had the same experience twice. Tonight I felt as though I had a flashback of two months ago...It was amazing how the same exact feelings rushed over me. Feelings of confusion, anger and hurt all hit me with the same force as the time before. I just don't understand how I get myself into these situations...where I have made life so complicated. I still think this is all a distraction that satan has put me up against...because I truly believe that God has something big for me right now and satan knows it. he wants me to be distracted so that I cannot complete the work that God began in me. I refuse to doubt the promises that God has laid before me...I will continue to rejoice...no matter what the circumstances...
Here is a poem I wrote today...I just want to get it out there...to have it down...out of my head and shared with my friends...

Words spoken without contemplation
Have caused my heart the aggravation
Of torture, anguish, sorrow, grief
From these things find I no relief.
That I laid to rest a love unspoken
That threatens now to never be woken
Leaves me with the bitter thought of this,
To never find love lost or that love's first kiss.

I've never known love to be absolute
And so I have chosen to be resolute
In my findings. I've stood unyielding
All along my heart I've been shielding
From the pain that has damaged my existence.
As for the reason of my resistence,
I've been unable to believe in love so pure
Thus when it was spoken I was unsure.

Won't you please hear my feeble cry?
My heart is broken, and so am I,
To think your affection would waver
Because of a conviction which did quaver.
Do not let these mistaken words once stated
Be the source of a friendship dissuaded.
I do not know myself untrue
Please know that if I could I would all undo.

Second chances are not my lot in life
And so in these words I rid myself of strife.
You can only love so long without love in return
This is a lesson I have woefully learned.
In these truths I reveal my soul
Knowing the time has come for me to let go.
I lay down this burden I have carried along
Without regret, for it has only made me strong.

To Those Still Waiting

I wrote this quite some time ago when a really good friend of mine was going through a really hard time. Now you have to understand, my friend is a Belle fanatic (you know the Disney princess). I found a piece of paper at a scrapbooking store with Belle on it and knew I had to get it for her...I tried to figure out what I was going to do with it...I didn't want to just give her the paper...so I wrote this story. The more I read it, the more I realize that I was writing it for me, just as much as for her...but I hope you all get something out of it...God has something amazing, and His timing is perfect...I would rather be single now and wait for true love, then to be with someone and find out that it was never right to begin with.

The Princess Within
By: Jessica Buchanan

In a land far away there once was a beautiful princess who longed for more than what she had. Her life seemed ordinary and to her that was something she had never thought she would be. Every morning her life seemed to hold a routine. She woke, attended her duties, did what was required of her, fell asleep and began the same proceedings over again.

This princess could not see that her ordinary actions had extraordinary results. In the land of her Father there was a man, who unbeknownst to the princess, had been grooming his entire life to become her prince. Every morning he would wake and go before the King, asking what he must do to prepare for the princess. Every day this young man would work hard to become what he knew the princess would need.

As this happened, the princess began to question her Father. She continually asked why her prince had never come, and why she must keep waiting when all those around her were experiencing the love that she longed for. The King would quietly tell his daughter to be patient, and she would experience His very best.

As time went by the young man began to grow and developed a deeper relationship with the King, and the King watched the young man and knew that it was almost time. His daughter had a hard time understanding her wait, but He knew once she met her prince she would understand.

The day finally came when the young man would become a prince. When the princess heard of the glorious news she rejoiced, thanking her Father. When the two became one she understood why love had not come to her sooner. She had to learn to trust her Father, and He would bring her exactly what she needed.

So, young princess within, do not grow weary in your wait. Instead, trust your Father because he, not only knows what you need, but also knows when you need it. Love will come and when it does you will rejoice

Trying to Figure This Out

I know that life is not meant to be a walk in the park. There are no easy outs, and life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you are going to get. I know all of the cliches...but I am finding that figuring out my life is much more enjoyable than it used to be. I mean...I used to stress out about every little detail, every decision, what people thought about me and so much more...Now I feel as though my life is making sense.

Don't get me wrong...my life is by no means perfect...it's just that I am happy. It has taken me a long time to get here, and now that I'm here I wonder why it took me this much time. I love my life. I have a great family, a great job, great friends, and I actually love who I am. I am so thankful for God's blessings. I truly don't know what I would do without Him.

I don't know...I guess I just wanted to share that life is not always as bad as we think it is. Life is what we make it. We choose to be happy. My friend Ryan said that to me the other day and I think it has stuck. I am happy and I choose that happiness. There will be days when life is not pleasant, and I don't love life, but I will choose to be happy. I will continue doing daily in order to have the life I have right now!

Trials

My life is generally nothing but a mass of confusing gestures that never seem to point in any clear direction. I have faced many trials along the way...and today I sat with a friend reliving many of them. I can't believe that God has allowed me to experice so much pain, and yet at the same time...I am blessed that the pain I have experienced is nothing in comparison to what so many have faced. I have not experienced the lost of a loved one...I have not experienced the pain of abuse...I have not experienced the trials of divorce...I have been loved...and I have been conforted...I have friends that love me...

I guess I am saying these things in order for us to realize that those things in our lives that we think are great trials...are generally trivial compared to what so many others are facing in our world these days...I don't want to be consumed by my "problems" because in all actuality I should be focused on the problem that people are dying every day and going to hell...that's what I should be concerned with...not where my life is going to be ten days from now...ten weeks from now...or ten years from now...God wants me focused on the work that He has for me right now...I don't want to let distractions get in my way of accomplishing those things which He has set out for me to do...

Keep fighting the good fight...and remember that when you think you are going through something you can't stand through...God is on the other side waiting to catch you if you fall...

Waiting for the Amazing...

The life we dream for ourselves is not always the reality that God has in store...but may I put a question to you? Don't you believe that what God has planned is so much better than what we could imagine. I keep telling myself that there is something amazing out there for me...and someday...as long as I let God lead my steps then He will bring me a dream that I could never achieve in my own strength...

He is such an amazing God and I know that He has so much in store for me...I don't want to miss out on the best God has in order to get a temporary dose of today...I am ready for God's blessing...not the one that I wish for myself...I have been told today that I am beautiful and that I deserve the best God can give me...I totally agree...and I am tired of relying on yesterday's promises...I want to rely on the promise of today...

A friend told me tonight that each day that goes by is one day closer to what God has in store for me...how amazing is that thought?!?! I can't wait to see what He has...because I know that it is going to be amazing...it can be nothing less...

Things About Me...

So I've been tagged. The game is that if you get tagged you have to write six random or just odd quirks about yourself and than you tag six other people to do the same....sooooo..here goes,

1. I have low self-esteem but hide behind a mask of confidence that fools others into believing that I am self-assured.

2. I am scared that I am never going to find someone that will love me as much as I love them.

3. I am currently writing a manuscript that I hope to get published in the next year or two.

4. I love cats, but cannot have them because my mom is allergic.

5. I scored the highest in the area of logic on my IQ test.

6. I almost dropped out of school my Sophomore year of college to move to NYC and audition for Broadway!

New People...

Since I have moved back from Kentucky God has begun to strategically place new people in my life. I was thinking tonight how greatful I am when He allows my path to cross with that of others. Dan, my "cool" new friend, was at drama practice with us tonight and then went with us to Taco Bell...and I was just thankful that God allowed us to know each other. His roommate is another one of those people. It is so crazy, because I have known them less than a week, and yet I feel like I have known them longer. They are both amazing guys and I am so happy that I know them.

Another person God has brought in to my life recently is my good friend Faith...and she has been a blessing that I can't even begin to explain. Honestly...she helped save me. I mean that...I don't think she knows how she effected my life...

But really...I have been blessed with amazing friends in this journey called life. My new ones and my old ones have each made an impact on my life. They have each made me stronger and pushed me to be who I am today. I don't know where I would be today without any of them.

I thank those of you who call me friend for being the same for me. You have no idea what you have done for me. I love you all!

Learning It's Ok to Hurt

I am writing on here because I know that no one actually ever sees this online journal. I guess I just need to get this out there, to have the words written down somewhere so that I know that it's real, not just something I have imagined. My last entry was written about four or five months ago...and it is funny that that particular entry was in reference to the same guy who I talk about today. You see, for seven months I have known this guy, he was funny and he made me laugh and then the more time I spent with him the more I liked him...until I felt what I wrote in my last entry.
The funny thing is that around that time...every other girl I talked to also had a thing for him, or were trying to set someone they knew up with him...and I thought...I don't have a chance, so I'm not going to even think about it. I stopped thinking about him and I went on with life. I saw him at church from time to time, but it wasn't until about two months ago that I started talking to him and then he became my friend on my myspace and that was nice, but still I didn't think anything of it...everyone is my friend on myspace...
I started seeing this guy that I had gone to school with. It wasn't anything big, we just went out a couple of times and one of those times happened to be at the same restraunt where the guy I am talking about works. He saw us there and he did this awkward we're best friends thing...and I even told the guy I was with that I didn't know him well and thought it was strange...of course in the back of my mind I was thinking how interesting it all was...and then to make things even worse I spent the whole night trying not to look around for him...but instead I tried really hard to focus on the guy I was with...I was so distracted...but I didn't want anyone to notice...I think I pulled it off pretty well...
The following day I recieved a "Boyfriend Application" from this guy that I had been interested in for months...and I couldn't believe it...I thought it had to be a joke and so I took it as such...it wasn't until last week that he informed me that it hadn't been a joke. It's crazy that it has been almost a month since we went to Downtown Disney and that we have been talking that long...
Unfortunately for me all good things must come to an end...Last week we sat down and had a three hour conversation...I sat there and listened as he explained about this girl who was once in his life who changed him forever...when she ended the relationship it was devestating to him...I understood...He was hurt...He said that it had effected every other relationship he had been in...But he didn't want to do that to me...he didn't want to burn bridges with me...but he had to figure out what was going on...I said I understood...because I did...There is so much that complicates this whole issue...and I don't think I even know half of what complicates it...but he wants to be there for her...he wants to be with someone enough that even if this isn't right he's going to do it anyways...I just hate this feeling...Wrong time wrong place...why didn't he just leave me alone? If he knew that it was so complicated why did he ever pursue anything with me? I just don't understand that...
I don't want to be mad right now, and I do not want to keep crying...but when's it going to be my turn...when am I going to get the guy? I know that there has to be someone amazing out there for me...but why did I have to open up again? Why did I have to think I could love him? I just want to pretend like this last month hasn't happened...I mean...it probably wouldn't even hurt so bad if I didn't feel like he was ignoring me...I hate guys...they are so good at making you believe they are so wonderful...but it's all a lie...I don't want to be lied to anymore...I can't write anymore because I feel like my heart getting ready to explode!

God is Good...

All the time...and All the Time...God is good!!!

So this last week has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least. Today I decided that nothing really matters unless I am giving my all to God. Last night I layed in bed crying out to God to help me understand why I am going through what I am going through...and I realized that I am being strengthened. When you work out for the first time in a long time, your muscles feel the pain, but they are being strengthened, and the next time it won't hurt so bad. I will go through all of the pain that I have to in order to be strong for my God.

Friday I had an excitement that hasn't been equaled in a long time. Just ask Candace and Andrew...I was unstoppable. Andrew said I preached a 30 minute message in 2 minutes...It was great...but I am so excited about what God is doing. I am nowhere near where I want to be with Him right now, but I know that if I keep seeking Him with all of my heart that He is going to pour out His blessings on me in a way that I have never known...IT BEGINS is something I am trying to live daily. I will not give up on my dreams and I will not let the enemy distract me from what God has called me to!

Don't let the enemy win...because that is exactly what he wants. God is amazing and He loves us so much that He gave His Son to die for us. I don't know about you, but sacrificing my child so that you could live...I don't think it is something I would be willing to do. I want to live as close to Him as I can...and so that is my goal right now...to love a life that is pleasing to God...I want to be a righteous woman of God...With prayers that have power!

It's Going to Keep Beginning

Today has been a very interesting day! I can't even begin to descibe the joy that I feel that this exact moment!!! It was funny...on the way to work today I was praying that God would make me feel better...and I started feeling really goofy...but in a good way...I am so scared right now that none of this blog is going to make much sense...but I'm going to keep writing anyways...

I really had a good day at work...even the bad moments weren't so bad...and I am so thankful that God has begun to give me a new attitude towards teaching...I mean...I truly do love my students...and today was no exception...

This afternoon things have gotten even better. I can't contain this happiness...God is doing something amazing and I want to be a part of it!!! A friend of mine sent me a message today and I screamed, I was so happy...She isn't from Bartow...she hasn't been at youth...but she has caught on to IT BEGINS!!! I am so excited about what God is beginning...I just can't explain it...but I don't have to...God is moving and you need to either jump in or move out of the way!

Keep running towards this goal because He is doing something...I don't know where this is going to lead me...but I am so intrigued to find out...

IT BEGINS!!!