Tonight

Today has been good...it's funny because I really was looking forward to going back to the new church today...but it seems as though God had other plans...and I am thankful he did...I don't know really how to explain it...only that...I feel lighter now...like the burdens that were weighing heavy on my shoulders are no longer there...

I feel free...

God and I have talked tonight...He has heard the cry of my heart...and I have heard His...

I have let myself be stagnant for far too long...today...I stand...ready to be more...ready to face whatever comes at me with the assurance that I am living every second for my Creator...it is not going to be an easy walk and there will be times when I fall...but...I know that His hand will pull me up when I can't go on alone...

Right now He is carrying me through all of this and I can't wait to see where my life is going...I am excited...He has renewed me...He has given me strength...

My Tears Don't Hurt This Time

...My heart might, but the tears feel as though they help. Somehow when I cry, it is as though the pain is slowly leaving me. What am I doing? What have I done? I am not me anymore...I am only a shallow shell of the person I was. When did I make that turn? When did I choose to be someone I'm not? I don't even know who I am anymore...I have become the girl behind the mask...

I don't like her so much these days...

I have let myself become someone who can be used by others...I am stronger than that...I thought I knew what I was doing...I thought I knew what I wanted...I thought they cared...

silly me...

I never wanted anything from them...I never wanted what I knew they could never give me...I just wanted to feel wanted...even if it was just an illusion...I knew it was an illusion...

Is this really so hard...to find someone who actually wants to be with me...I honestly thought there was something to me...but maybe I'm wrong...maybe all that I have ever tried to be...well...no one wanted her...and even now I only have illusions to follow me around...tomorrow maybe reality will come and then I won't be alone anymore...

I wanted nothing from them...and I suppose that's what I got..

...and so...I love...

Today...right now...at this moment...I am thankful for everything that I have experienced...everything that I have been through...and there are so many things that I love...and I just wanted to share them with you...

I love it when it rains...any kind of rain will do...but mostly when the gray clouds are out and it's one of those days where you just want to stay in bed and read a good book...or when the night has fallen and lightening makes the darkness disappear for a moment and the sound of thunder serenades you...I love that...

I love fall...but not fall here...fall up north where the leaves change to hues of red and gold...and the wind gets to the point where it almost bites you...you begin to dress warmer and everything tends to be more vibrant...I love everything about fall...even raking...I love the smell of the dying leaves and the way it feels to jump in a pile of them...all the while knowing you will have to rake them once more...I love jack-o-lanterns and little kid's costumes...I love Thanksgiving and what it means...not just a time to eat turkey but to truly be thankful for what you have...

I love snow...I don't love playing in it...but I love the way it makes everything look clean...how pure white can cover an entire hillside and take your breath away...I love to ski...down a mountain...the rush of wind against your face...somehow it clears your mind...you can't think of problems...all you think of is speed...and the way it makes you feel...I just love that...

I love kids...I love their brutal honesty...it makes wonder at what point we learn to tell lies...I love how sincere they are...how when they tell you they love you...you don't question it...because no matter what...you know they really do...I love it when they lay their head upon your shoulder...or when they grab your hand and say...I just want to know that you're here...I love kids...and I love what they bring to my life...

I love my family...they might not always make me happy and they rarely understand me...but they will ALWAYS love me...and I am so thankful for that...my mom and dad have taught me so much about what it means to be a good person...and I hope that I have made them proud...my little brother is a blessing and he brightens my life...and his girlfriend is my pea pod...she's so like me and we are blessed by her...my sister is my sharpening tool...if I didn't have her...I wouldn't be who I am today (and that's a good thing)...her husband...well...he's blessed...and blessed us...she is SO lucky...and I love that for her...

I love the way it feels to just sit with a guy...his arm around you...not having to say a thing...just a mutual understanding that all you want at that moment is each other...I love the way kisses feel...and how when lips brush against my neck I laugh...I love when a guy looks you in the eyes and at that moment you are the only two people who exist...I love feeling wanted...and I enjoy that feeling in the pit of my stomach that says...this is love...this is really love...

I love clothes and shoes...I like putting them on...mixing them up and deciding why I look the way I do...I just do...

I love my friends...I love how they make me laugh and how an inside joke can go on forever...I love how they each bring something different to my life...and I love how recently I have developed many female friendships...they help me through this thing called life...and they bring joy to my life...if I didn't have them...well...life would never be quite as interesting...

I love the ocean...the sound of the waves...the calm that can come from just sitting there early in the morning...beauty before you...it makes me realize how much God has given us...

...and so...I love...

Alone

Ok...another random rant for the faithful few who actually read these things...

I always believe that standing in line when you shop is a testing ground for patience...tonight...I've never wanted to say something to someone...NEVER...but tonight...I had 14 items in my cart...so I didn't go to the 10 item check out...because I always feel bad about doing that...right as I passed it...she motioned for this couple who had at least 50 items in their cart...and I was like...you've got to be kidding me...seriously?...this is so not happening right now...I just stood there...thinking...this is such a silly thing to get upset about...and I don't know why I am letting it get to me...the only thing I could think was that for the last few things I have been hyper sensitive about everything...and this was just another case where I was way too...sensitive...

I sat typing a letter to a friend today...and again...I cried...and it's over stuff that is dumb...and I know that I shouldn't let it bother me...but it does...I guess at a certain point you hope that the things that have brought you down in the past will just go away...that somehow you are over the fact that you are single and no one wants you...or that you want to be wanted...but you don't want to settle...you want to be sold out...but you're tired of trying...A good friend of mine told me today...keep running the race...but I am so tired...I barely feel that I can pull through any more...

The thing that bothers me...is that I truly do love my life...my job is amazing...and while I'm working...life is great...it's when I am alone...(which ends up being a lot of time)...that it's hard for me...I am such a social person...I love to be with people...and...right now...I just feel lonely...in more ways than one...

Today one of my guy friends was talking to me about this girl...and as I listened to him...I just thought...I wish someone wanted me like that...I wish someone loved me like that...why does this all have to be so complicated...and why isn't it my turn...I know...I've said this so many times...I guess...I'm just tired of waiting...I will...wait...but it doesn't feel like a choice any more...and that's all I've ever wanted to believe it was...but guess what...I DO NOT CHOOSE TO BE ALONE...and yet...here I am...alone...

I love my friends...and I know that people care about me...but I don't think I've ever felt this alone in my entire life...

so...if you think about it...send up a prayer for me...that I can find a place where I belong...where people want me...where I no longer feel alone...

My tears hurt...and I don't want to hurt any more...

sorry for this bitter diatribe...my heart just doesn't feel whole right now...and...I want to be whole...

the end

To Stop Thinking Would Be Bliss

This is going to be a somewhat random rant of things I love, things I hate...and things I just can't decide whether I love them or hate them...

I hate pimples...I don't understand why today I have like five...seriously...I wash my face...rarely wear make up...am I stressed? Maybe I'm stressing myself out and my body is taking it out on me...grrr...I just hate them...

I hate bras...my favorite part of every day is when I get to take it off...the thing that counfounds me though is the fact that I genuinely like wearing a sports bra...and sometimes...they're great...but tonight...well...I hated it!!!

I hate that for some reason when doing my eyebrows I have been taking out small chunks of my eyelashes...not only is that not good...IT HURTS!!!

I hate not having friends here...or not having had the time to make any...I don't want to miss Bartow...but I do...and I hate that you don't want to be in a place until you are no longer there...

I hate that I miss being a teacher...I hate that I miss my kids...and my classroom...I HATE IT!!!

Now...here are some of the things I love...

I love my three beautiful children that I get the priveledge of spending almost every day with...I love who they are...even when I don't like who they are being...they make me wake up every day (and not just because they are loud)...I love them!

I love the beach...the sound of the waves, the water, the sun...I love the ocean...I want to go out on a boat...I love being this close to the beach...it is amazing!

I love my family...my mom and dad...my sister and my brothers...ha ha...I love saying that...I love that my sister is now married to the love of her life...(I do hate that a small part of me is jealous though)...

I love Lana and Rach and how they make me feel missed...and how they make me laugh...and how they tell me NO...because they know I need to hear that! They have been amazing over the last few weeks...seriously...

I love that feeling you get when you have butterflies because someone sent you a text or called you in the middle of the night...the way it feels to be wanted...the way it feels to want to be wanted...

I love long walks on the beach, bonfires, daisies, a guy who will open every door for me...someone who loves me for me (that in itself is a tall order)...someone who looks past my flaws....I love that I know that there will come a day when I will marry the love of my life...

The things I'm not sure of...

well...

I'm not sure...

There are things that run through my head...that I wonder how to make it go away...how to breathe in and breathe out without having to think about it...to not think...just for a little while...that would be nice...

Anyways...I told you this would be a random rant...and there is was...and now it's done...later days...

A Day in the Life

It's a hard life, but someone has to live it...Take today for instance. Woke up, went downstairs...made pancakes for Alexa...then...we got in the hot tub...it was really hard work...oh...you just don't understand...walking right out the back door and there it is...we were out there for almost an hour...and then we washed up...got dressed...did our hair...she laid in my bed while I did my hair and make-up...watching dragon tales...and then we went to the toy store...Chik-fil-a...and home...went to pick up the other two from school...went all over town to find a specific Webkinz (if you don't know what that is...count yourself among the blessed)...went home...fixed a snack...did homework...played on the wii (I kick butt at ping pong!)...and then we had some quiet time before I got off...

What a day!

Seriously though...I love my job...the last couple of days have been hard because Alexa has spent a lot of time crying (mostly because she misses having her brother and sister around)...but today was such an amazing day!

It's funny...because they are my life...everything I do...has to do with them. Take my recent default picture...that's me and Alexa at the office...in the back playroom...playing dress-up...I know...you are so jealous...you WISH you could be that cool...

My kids are going to be so spoiled...although the thought did pop into my head today...I can't imagine chasing a four year old around when you are eight months pregnant...that would be CRAZY!!! Anywho...

I don't know what's going on with everyone else out there in cyberspace...but I really do enjoy what I am doing right now. I am so blessed!

Life is Good...

Life seems pretty good right now...I have an amazing job where I get to spend time with some pretty amazing kids. Today was so much fun...I went to a new church and met some really cool people...went to lunch with them...and then went swimming with the kids...I am somewhat wiped out from the swimming...oh goodness...did we have fun! The two youngest have just completed their swim lessons so they are pretty much experts now...neither of them can really go to the deep end...but they'll get there sooner than they realize...

Tomorrow is the start of school for the two oldest...which leaves me an little Alexa to have fun with one another. She is a doll...a pistol...totally pig-headed...but she already has my heart...these kids are spectacular...We have spent a lot of time together this last week and I am just blessed off my socks to have such amazing people in my life...

Seriously...today was GREAT!

It did make me miss home a little though...the whole going out to eat after church thing totally had me missing Sonny's...plus I ate at a place called Dustin's last night...it reminded me of Sonny's too...I miss you guys...I really do...

I just wanted to post a little update on my life...it's good...it's really good...

Here

I can't believe that I haven't even been here a week. I have a mixture of feelings. I am so excited, because this job is exactly what I wanted. I have so much hope in this whole thing. I love the family and already feel as though I am a part of what is going on here. This house is amazing. I have only been in a few houses this nice and my cousin's house in Kentucky is the only one I find even remotely comparable to it. They actually have a theatre upstairs...a REAL theatre...It is amazingly spectacular. The kids are wonderful. They are by no means of the word, perfect...but they are good. Each one offers so much of their individuality to this job...and I love the challenges I face. Brianna, the oldest is the only one I feel that I haven't truly found a way to connect with. I think this is due in large part to the fact that she feels like she doesn't need a nanny...which I totally understand.

I went to church on Sunday night and it was by far the best service I have been to in YEARS!!! Pastor Jim is AMAZING! And I am excited about being a part of this. On Thursday I am going to the young adults group. They meet in a small group at Barnes and Nobles...I met the pastor and his fiance (they are getting married this weekend). I am excited about meeting some new people. It will be really good for me. I feel somewhat lonely, but am trying to let it pass...thinking that it's probably normal. Don't get me wrong, I am not lonely in every sense of the word, only in that there are times when I wish that I had someone close by, so that when I get off...I'm not just watching tv or a movie up in my room...but that I might be able to go out...just...talk to someone...

I feel as though I am throwing a pity party inside myself...and it's ridiculous...and I know it...I hate it when I let petty things totally tear me apart...tear my sefl-worth slowly from my hands...God did not make me someone to be walked on...but I can do all things through him...the thing is I knew that God was pulling me away from people...so I don't know why I am surprised that I am not a priority friend for those people any more...Goodness...that sounds so lame...and completely sorrowful...I know that people love me...it's not that...it's just...I wish I knew how to explain this...I mean...I hate that I feel this way...and I don't know...I just wanted to vent...to say that...I don't care if it's "out of sight out of mind"...I'm here for a reason...and no matter how much I loved those people...one day I will find someone that won't just forget...

Wow...I can't believe how very lame this all is...but...there...that was my pity party...and sad as it is...I actually do feel better...

Starting a New Journey

I got the job! I am so excited at where God is taking me. It is scary and exhilrating all at the same time. I have been hanging in there all summer...held up only by my faith, and here at last I find that I am completely happy with where God has brought me. I truly could not ask for more. This position is perfect for me. I will be moving to Ormond Beach where I will be a nanny for a family of five. Their three kids are all adorable and will be both fun and challenging. I truly believe that this is where God wants me. I get the chance to impact lives. Three little lives.

I will be living with them and taking care of the kids most days, having a couple of days off here and there. I don't know that I have ever been this excited about anything. At the same time I am a little sad that I won't be here with my friends...but as I stated a few blogs back...I've really felt as though God were seperating from people anyways...

So here I am...on the verge of a new journey...I can't wait...and it comes sooner than expected. I will be leaving this Friday! I know...I got the call today. It's bittersweet because my dad left today and I didn't realize that I wouldn't see him before I moved away. I mean, I know it's not like I won't be back, but he and I have already talked, so it's all good.

I can't believe that I am leaving...I mean...Bartow has basically been home to me for the last two years...even though I haven't lived here that whole time...I have been blessed to form friendships that I find to be priceless. I could never have asked for better friends while I have been here...it is a shame that I have known some of them such a short time...but they are in my heart...and I will be back to visit. I can't believe that this has all happened in the span of a month...it feels much shorter...as though it all just happened...I believe that this move will change my life...and that there are reasons I don't even understand that are leading me to this job...God is so good...and I continue to put my faith in Him...

A Clean Room, A Dead Frog, and Blind Faith

I am sitting here in the middle of cleaning my room...I was just talking to Merri and she was like "that doesn't sound like fun"...and I thought...well...it isn't...but I am deep cleaning it with the faith that I will be moving soon, and I would rather deep clean now...and get rid of all of the things that I don't need or use anymore...and to get everything organized...then to try to do it while I am trying to pack...

Today I met with the husband and wife who are considering hiring me as a nanny. It was such an amazing experience...I have never wanted anything this bad. The entire situation is perfect for me...and I am truly believing that this is where God is sending me...I think that faith is such an interesting thing...I believe that this is where God wants me...but satan is good about sneaking in and trying to tear away my faith...don't get me wrong...I know that if this is not God's will for my life that He will shut the door (which is what I am praying)...but that if this is where He wants me then He will strategically move me in that direction...and I am hanging on to my blind faith right now...

I have always been pretty good about the whole faith thing...in most parts of my life...and His guiding me in the right direction is no exception...There have been so many times when I have just known that God would open the right door at the right time...He always has...and I don't know why this time should be any different...

Today a lot of people were praying for me...if you were one of those people...THANK YOU!!! I totally felt at peace and it helped knowing that so many of you had me in your prayers...I will probably know tomorrow whether or not I got the position...I am excited...and still in need of those prayers...right now I am anxious...because tomorrow will mean so many things...

God is so good...and I am so blessed!

Speaking of dead frogs...ok...that was nowhere in any of what I just said...but it was in my subject...so...while I was cleaning my room...I found a DEAD FROG!!! EW!!! Oh my goodness...I was freaking out...yikes...I didn't know what it was at first...so I just picked it up...then I dropped it and screamed...I know...I am such a girl...but I like being such a girl...lol

Dead frogs freak me out...


The End

Time to go...

I couldn't be happier with my life, but have you ever just got the feeling that it was time to go...like...everything around you was lining up so that you had the freedom to move on...without guilt of the desire to stick around...??? I just have been feeling the last few weeks that maybe everything that's been going on around me is leading up to helping it be easier for me to leave...

I don't know that any of what I just wrote even makes sense. I am sitting here at 12:30 in the morning...I've just been crying, and I know that my tears weren't in vain...it just feels that it is time for me to leave...I don't have the connections here that I once thought that I did...and I really believe that's a God thing...

I know that I have never really fit in anywhere...I kinda tend to stand out more than anything else...I am too old, or too young, or too single...or just too me...I am ready to find a place where I fit...where I actually feel needed...or...wanted...not in a "woe is me" kind of way...but in a way where I need to be there...I want to be there...and right now...I don't believe that this is either...I am tired of turning around every day wondering if I offended someone because they haven't talked to me in a few weeks...or if I am getting on someone's nerves because I find out they went out with a bunch of people...and didn't think to ask me along...I am tired of feeling like the friends I once thought I had...well...

I almost feel as though my heart has been stepped on...and maybe most of that is my fault...I shouldn't care so much...It shouldn't matter...I shouldn't be crying...grrr...I hate tears...lol...but hey...next week I will know if I am leaving or not...I truly hope it is the leaving...because I really believe it is time for me to be in a new place...to experience new things...to meet new people...I am ready to leave...I am ready to go...

Life is Good

It's funny, because we tend to write these things when we are going through tough times, or when we need to say something...but what about when life is good...when nothing is going wrong...and you're just happy...

Right now I couldn't be happier with where I am...and...it's not like I'm in the best situation ever...I am 25...I live with my parents...and I have no job...oh yeah...and my sister (my little sister) is getting married...and I am totally single!

It's so funny...you expect to feel this way when everything in your life is going right...but...this makes me feel that...God must be in complete control...

EW! There was just a Beano commercial on...not that that is important...it just disctracted me...and I am watchin tivo...so I can FF...boo...ok...back to the regularly scheduled blog...

Seriously, I love my life...I am in the process of finding a job...actually...the perfect job...I couldn't be happier being single...I wish I could have been this happy years ago...if I had only known how much time I was wasting...guys are so not worth the time...don't get me wrong...I eventually want to be with that one guy who makes the world better...but I know now that it's God's plan...not mine...that I need to be concerned with...

I don't know...I'm just happy...and I wanted to...let everyone know that life is what we make it...we have to choose to be happy...even when there's no real reason...

My Little Break

As most of you know, at the end of the school year the administration of GJHS told me that they were not going to be asking me back for another year. I sat there, trying with all of my might not to cry. I got up, walked out of that office, and I can remember that as I walked down that hallway I just kept thinking that God knew what He was doing. It was with great effort that I got through the rest of the year without a break down, and I didn't cry until having to say good bye to all of the other teachers that I had worked with.

Since the end of school I have waited anxiously for my interview with the county. After that much anticipated interview I was told that I couldn't work in a Polk County school unless I went through a year of subbing. This would mean a decrease in pay and no benefits. Needless to say, this is not an option for me. I have put my resume in with another school (and already had an interview with them) and have put my application/resume in with Southeastern. I truly believe that whatever happens, it will be God's will. Beyond those two options I am also looking out of state (closer to my home in Kentucky) for some jobs. I don't know if that is what God has in mind, but I do know that I need to be open to where ever it is that he calls me.

In order to re-evaluate where I am headed in this thing called life I am taking a break from a few distractions (the internet being one of them). For the rest of this month I will not be online. If you need to get in touch with me you can call me (863) 258-6118. You can still leave all of the comments, messages, or anything else that you want...I'm just letting you know that I will not be responding for a few weeks.

I love you guys so much and would really appreciate your prayers. You all mean the world to me and I love you all for being all that you are and for constantly supporting me. If it is God's will for me to move I know that He will allow me to have an impact just as I have had here.

I love you guys!
Jess

I Love Being Me...

We are half way through the year and here are just some of the things I've learned...

When you throw up in front of people...they never forget (or let you).

Fortune cookies are my heroes!

Heroes is the best show ever!

Gilmore Girls ended and so did a little part of me (sad...I know).

I love being a teacher!

I love being me!

There are people who come into your life, and you are better for it.

Tivo is the best invention ever!

I have the best friends I could have ever asked for.

I actually do enjoy being single.

It's wierd when you don't have anyone to have a crush on.

I am the bad one.

I love being the bad one.

Life is pretty fantastic.

I'm happier than I have ever been before in my entire life!

God has a plan for me (I already knew that one!).

I love fruit! I should be a vegetarian again.

I fill out too many surveys...and I mostly do it so that Merri will fill them out.

You can know someone for a month and feel like you've known them forever.

I can't be what everyone else wants me to be...I can only be me.

Friends are like underware (not really...but I just felt like saying that).

Did I mention I love being me...

This year has been amazing so far and I look forward to all of the other amazing things that are going to happen. I don't know why...but I believe that this year is going to change my life.

Five Years

Five years ago today I let the feeling of hopelessness drain the very life force from me. At that moment, I no longer wished to exist. Everything that I had ever been didn't seem to make sense any more. What I wanted more than anything, was to feel nothing. I didn't want to feel sad, or as though I were a disappointment, or alone, never quite good enough for anyone else. I wanted numbness to wash over me, to wash away the pain that had seemed to haunt me for such a long time.

I think I grew tired of carrying around a mask that had become too heavy to bear. Every day I slipped it on, and the people around me saw what they came to believe was the true me...happy, sweet, loving. What they didn't know was that underneath it all I was dying. I hated feeling as though I were just there, merely existing to make others feel good about themselves. Nobody knew that at age twelve I had my first desires for death. I hated who I was. Everything about me made me cringe. I wasn't original. I was a copy of what others expected. As long as I made them happy, then it would be ok...but it wasn't. At age thirteen I vocalized my hatred and people were shocked. They couldn't believe that someone as great as me could not like themself. But, what if the person they knew, wasn't the real me at all.

Five years ago I was tired of trying to figure that out. I wanted to be me, but I didn't even know who that was. I lived so long for others that I didn't know how to live for myself. I remember so well taking that handful of muscle relaxers. I had no idea what I was putting in my body, what I did know was that I wanted it to be the last thing that went in my body.

I guess God had a different plan. Almost six hours after I had ingested the pills, God pumped my stomache. They said that they didn't know why I wasn't dead. And, even though most of the meds came out at my house, I wasn't in the clear. My heart rate was so low, they didn't know if I would make it through the night...and yet...I did.

I don't know why God chose to save me, but he did. And today I LIVE for Him! If you haven't...take some time to check out my page and watch the second video...it would mean a lot to me.

Fortune Cookies...

I will be the first to tell you that I love fortune cookies...not the taste of them...or eating them at all...I love cracking them open and reading what it says inside...Last night I opened several...here are some words of wisdom from my cracked cookies (not to be mistaken for crack cookies)...

1. Modify your thinking to handle new situations.

2. You have a charming way with words.

3. You may lose the small ones but win the big ones.

4. You will find your solution where you least expect it.

5. Someone in your life needs a letter from you.

6. Something on four wheels will soon be a fun investment for you.

I don't know why I wanted to share those with you...but I did...so there they are...

I personally like number three the best...some of you will get that...some of you won't...and that's ok...

I Can Be...

Life can be confusing. We go through our days thinking we know more than we actually do, and when we realize how little we do know we get frustrated trying not to look dumb. We spend way too much time trying to make other people happy, to please them, to make them like us. What would life be like if only we would begin to stand on our own two feet, if we would just be who we are? I get so tired of wearing a mask, trying to be something I'm not. I like who I am, even when others don't. I feel happy that my life is blessed, that I know God and that I have people who love me. It is time to begin living my life constantly with this out look.

The last few weeks have been full of the usual ups and downs. I have gone though a lot and I have cried more than I care to. I think they have been healing tears, but even healing tears can hurt. I want to be happy, and these tears are just stepping stones to get me there. I don't know where this blog is going. My head kinda hurts from the tears. If nothing else, today I have realized that right now is probably not the best time for me to get into a relationship, and any guy I thought I was interested in, is no longer an option. I need to be single right now. I HAVE to be single right now. The other thing I've learned is that I have to grow in who I am. I have to be less so that God can be more.

I guess this is all just me saying what's on my mind...

Oh Yeah

I suck at this being single thing...I go days where everything is perfect and I couldn't be happier being single...and then there are days...like the last few...where I just wish it would happen for me...I wish that every day could be smooth...and that I would realize that I am an amazing person and any guy would be lucky to have me and that it's their loss not mine...yadda yadda yadda...

It will happen when you least expect it...it will just come to you out of the blue...when you find the one...you'll know...WHATEVER! Don't get me wrong...I know that everyone is just trying to be helpful...but really...I've heard it all...and the thing is...I know more than anything that God is in charge...that He has someone out there who is perfect for me...I know...without a doubt that I am going to be swept off my feet (because God knows that I have to have someone who knows what romance is)...It will be exactly what I want...but exactly when He WANTS it...

It's hard...but I know in the end I will look back and realize that it was worth the wait...but right now...it's hard...I get frustrated...because I am so happy for all of those around me that have one...but when I go to buy three bridesmaids dresses and realize that when it comes time for me to get married...these friends of mine will be having babies and starting families...I'm not going to lie...I'm a little jealous...

I don't know...it was just on my mind...one of those times when it was there...in my head...bearing down on me...and now I feel better...somewhat relieved...because I know I am not the only one that feels this way...I am but a small part of a larger whole...someday my prince will come...but until then I am content leaning on the Prince of Peace to hold me in the right place...God has it all under control...I'm so glad that it's not up to me...

Become All

My dream...that thing I want to accomplish more than anything...finishing my manuscript...ministering to youth...my dream...to live in full time ministry...I just want to live my life walking in the presence of the Lord...I want to give Him my all...and maybe I'm not working hard enough to make these dreams come true...I have distractions...and I let them pull me to the side...I want to live completely in His arms...

I remember the first time these dreams entered into me...the first time this passion rose from within...God has big plans for this little person...I am weak and insignifcant, but with Him there is so much that I can accomplish...I want so badly to just throw away these things that are leaving me distracted...and today...I do...I lay them aside...I throw them away...no longer to be distracted but to run full steam ahead towards the dreams that God has given me...I look forward to all that comes my way...even the bad stuff...I will face it all with certainty...

God has something amazing for me to do...I just can't see clearly...so...by removing these distractions...my vision will cease to be blocked...The smoke will roll away and I will be standing here with the assurance that I am doing that which God has set out for me to do...please be praying for me as I take these steps...I want to be ALL that God wants me to be..and right now I don't even feel as though I am half of what He wants...

Fixing the Brokeness

t's hard for me to determine where I'm going and I think that mostly has to do with the fact that I don't really know where I am. You can't truly decipher an equation unless you are given all of the variables needed to solve it. Sometimes I feel as though I am missing a variable, and that this puzzle thing is much more complicated than I imagined. Most days I feel that it would be easier if all of the answers were in the back of the book...to be able to find help in some way...then I remember that I have a Teacher who is trying to teach me the way to solve the problem, and His way is definately not easy...

I have so much self-doubt and a rather negative view of myself which often times gets in the way of my learning. Where God sees something beautiful in me, I tend to see all of my flaws and the things I will never fix...but He sees a masterpiece, HIS masterpiece...but how do I begin to let go of this negative view of myself...how do I grasp the beauty that I possess. I have such a difficult time believing that any part of me is beatiful...I've always been pushed aside, picked last, always the friend...never the girlfriend...let go of...left behind...

That stupid man, why did he have to leave me like that? Did he not realize how much I loved him, how I thought he hung the moon? All I ever wanted was for him to love me, and I honestly thought that he did...but then it happened...that day that was so long ago...but the day I can replay as though it were yesterday...He told us to leave...that he never wanted us to set foot in his house again...I didn't understand...I was too young...I thought that I did something wrong...I didn't understand why he didn't love me anymore...I just couldn't understand why the man I had loved so much...could utterly detroy the little girl that I was...I think a part of me began to hate him after awhile...I believe that I became bitter...and then...so many years later...after he missed EVERYTHING...he wants to come back into my life...it took me two years to be able to walk in that house without the desire to scream and yell at him...but there are still times when I could just tell him how much he hurt me...how much of me he destroyed...I loved him...and he didn't love me back...and now he wants to love me...and I don't feel as though I can spare anymore of my heart...He's the one that broke it...it's so hard for me to trust him...

He was the one who made me doubt...the one who took away the ability for me to give EVERYTHING...I can't...and I never have...and now I always hold back...I look forward to the day when I can love with ALL that I have...not just PART of what I have...

I've constantly been hurt...mostly by men (or boys) and it's hard for me to trust...to believe that someone could love me...I'm not feeling sorry for myself...I'm just being honest...

Today I feel as though God is slowly closing up the wounds that have been there for years...and there will always be scars...silent reminders that I went through something...and survived...and I know...that one day...those scars will not be noticed by the eyes of every man...but they will be something I share...with someone who will not break me the way I have been broken in the past...

I Am Just Jess

I've never felt bad about my writing...This is the place I go to vent...my haven from the world around me...I write to escape...writing keeps me sane...and it helps me make it through what no one else can...it helps me work through my emotions...

I know that so many times I am all over the place with my emotions...One moment I am on top of the world...and the next I have crashed into a series of depressing moments and attitudes...I hate this disease that has taken a hold of me...I'm sick, but not in the way that most people get sick. You can't feel my head and see if I'm hot, you can't label it a cold, and you can't expect it to be gone in a few days...This sickness has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember...and it mostly stems from feeling unloved...feeling as though I have to work hard to keep people in my life...I wish I could explain it so that it made sense to others...but maybe it's not supposed to...

I wish I understood myself half as well as I understand others. I am an enigma inside of a riddle ending in a question mark. I know that I am a part of reality, but recently I have felt somewhat disconnected. It is almost as if I am walking on the outside of my body. Things are happening all around me, but I am experiencing nothing. I hate when this feeling overtakes me. All I want to do is hide away because I fear someone might see past the act, and realize that something is wrong...and, as stated...I don't know how to explain what is wrong to those around me...and so it is easier to continually wear this mask...to just let people see the happy me...because if I'm not the upbeat person then everyone assumes that there must be something wrong...they never realize that I am just tired of trying to impress them...but...it's whatever...

No one understands me...I don't think anyone ever will...and you know what...I think I'm learning to be ok with that...

Recently I've begun to evaluate what I am doing with my life...where am I going...I am taking steps to get there...and I am excited about what God is doing...I know that most of what I have been going through is just an attack...and that God obviously thinks I can make it through...and so I will...I will keep pushing through...no matter what comes my way..

I'm Just Happy...

It is no secret that I have a permanent seat on an emotional roller coaster. The ups and downs on this ride seem to be coming more rapidly than usual. Recently I feel as though every time I turn around I am being put down in some way. I am constantly feeling attacked, as though everything I do is wrong. It has been slowly destroying every part of me, yet, I mostly smile and bear it. And when I don't smile and bear it, then there is something wrong with me.

Even though this has been my battle over the last two months, I am learning that I have a choice. A good friend told me that yesterday. He said, you have the choice, and it made me realize that I do. I can choose to be happy, or I can choose to let people's belittlement tear me apart. I know how God feels about me...and that's all that matters. I am a child of the Almightly and everything that I am is what He is making me. If other people don't like it, well...they can get over it. I am tired of living for everyone else. I am only interested in what God has for me right now!

There are a couple of people I could not get through this without...Amanda...you are always there for me...ALWAYS...you are the best friend that I could ever ask for. I love you so very much. Shawn...thank you...for always reminding me that I am WAY too emotional...and that I have the choice to be happy...I thank God you are in my life...Taylor...You make me laugh...and even though your advice is full of holes...I love you for all that you are...Jeff...if it weren't for you...well...I don't know what I would do...I am going to get through this...I know it...

I am just happy...because that's how I choose to be...

I'm SO in Love

I'm in love...I'm in love in a way that takes my breath away...everytime I think of the object of my desire...I can't help but be swept away...He has stolen my heart...and he has captured all of me...I feel as though it is ok to be myself for the first time in a very long time...he has this way of making me feel at ease...not only in his presence...but he has given me a new confidence in myself...when I am alone I can't help but think of him...when I am with others...he's all I talk about...He has become the center of all I do...

Isn't it funny how someone can be right there...and all the while we know they are amazing...and that they could be even more amazing if we would just let them in...If we would just let them become a part of our lives...I have opened my heart...I have opened my life...and now...He has complete control...

I am so in love with Him...He has given me everything...and more than I deserve...He is all that I need...yet we have gone back in forth in this dance of life...but now I am ready to surrender...He is my All in All...He is my everthing...

Lord,
I give you everything...all that I am. I am so in love with you. You made me, fearfully and wonderfully...I can't imagine life without you in the driver's seat...you are everything that I need and you are more than I could ever ask for...I have spent too much time away from you...and now...here I am...ready to give you everything...I love you and no longer want control...
Amen

I guess...I'm just so in love...I wanted to let you know...let you know...that life is now even more amazing...God is good...and I can't imagine life without Him...

I'm Ready To Go...

There are days when we wake up and we know that things are going to be different...Something around us has changed...we don't quite know how to explain it...we just know that something has happened...

I want to live with purpose...I want to live with something important in mind...I want to live as though I have a destiny...something greater that I'm meant to accomplish...I want to live my life one day at a time...and I want to conquer every day with clarity and vision...I want to make a difference...I want to change something or someone...I want to do SOMETHING...ANYTHING!!!

God has placed a passion in my heart...and I know that there is destiny in front of me...I just think that I am too scared to reach out and grab a hold of what is out there for me...I want to be braver...to be stronger...to be sure of myself...to be sure of me...to be sure of God...I don't want to doubt any longer the things that I feel so strongly I am meant to accomplish...but I am scared...I cannot lie...I will not lie...I know that I am meant for something great...something amazing...

God...grant me the patience to see this through...teach me to lean not on my own understanding...but to hand it all over to you...for you alone hold my future...you alone create my path...lead me and guide me...

Ready or not...here I go...

Going to the Chapel...and I'm NOT Getting Married

So today I went wedding dress shopping with my sister...It was the second time I have been through it although this time was definately on a different level...I was talking to her tonight...and I told her it's a little hard for me that she is getting married before me..then I said...no...it's REALLY hard that you are getting married before me...but I know that God has something else for me right now...

I am going to be in four weddings this year...three of them I call my best friends...the other is a close gal pal whom I love dearly...I am so excited for each of them...and I know that when my day comes they will be excited for me as well...

You know...I don't want to be married...I just think it might be nice to have someone around...don't get me wrong...I don't NEED anyone right now...and God and I are on good terms about this whole me being single thing...but it's days like today where I have to pray that God grants me a supernatural patience...I want to wait on HIM...because He knows so much better than I do what I need and when I need it...

I found this from my other blog and I think it kind of applies to what I am feeling today...

If you know me, you know that I am quite content in my single status. But I think that my fellow singles would agree there are times when your status seems to be amplified. Tonight I sat at church sandwiched by married and dating couples. I couldn't help but notice and wonder why it is in those moments that you truly feel alone. They are my friends and would never want me to feel that way, but I couldn't help it.

Now, don't get me wrong, I truly do enjoy being single. I am my own person and quite unique in many ways. I feel that if I were to attempt getting into a realtionship on my own that I would be settling for Mr. Right Now instead of Mr. Right. I want to wait on God's timing. That could mean it will happen tomorrow or maybe ten years from now, but I have dated guys who weren't right for me, and I don't want to go through that again. I'm reading this book called "What's a Girl to Do?: While Waiting for Mr. Right" and I love it. The author has so much wit and she gets past all the fluff and dives right in there. She talks a real talk and yesterday I read a part where she said her prayer sounded something like this..."God I know that to you a day is like a thousand years, but I do not have that long, please, if you could, hurry it up a little." I thought this was hilarious in the fact that we all do it. We want it to be God's timing, but sometimes that's just not soon enough.

I am willing to wait, even if that means I have be a single "serving" for a few more years. I know God will bless all that I am and all that I do. Just sucks when those moments like above happen and that's what you think of. To all my coupled friends out there, you know I love ya, and to my other single servings, don't get discouraged but hold on to God's promises, that's what I am choosing to do.


I guess I just have to hold on...so that's what I am going to do...hold on for dear life...

Love Was Kept From Me Like a Secret

This song was played to me by a very dear friend...I think that the love that I seek right now is the love of God...He has done so much for me this year...He has taken me SO far and taught me so much. I am so blessed to be where I am. I am truly happy with my life...no matter what I may go through...I make it through...God brings me through...I am going to start today...making it all about Him...I am no longer my own...but I was bought for a price...He wasn't just born...He died...He sacrificed himself for me...and if I can't do that for Him then I have learned nothing in my life...

I love God so much...He is so amazing and I am so blessed...

To all of my friends...I just want to say thank you for the love that you have given to me...I am so blessed...blessed beyond measure...I refuse to complain any longer...I choose to be happy...

Let's just take our time
There's nothing else to do
What better way to spend the night
Than wasting it with you
The moon has won the war
The daylight waits to end
Stay here by my side
We'll watch the struggle start again

chorus
I need you now and forever
So stay right here with me
Don't ever leave
Love was kept from me like a secret
And I swore that I was through
Until you, until you

The city settles down
I watch you as you sleep
There's a silent celebration for
Every breath you breathe
Now this all makes sense
With you as company
I left all I knew and found
A better part of me, yeah

chorus

The time it took to find you
I would
Wait again my baby
The feelings that
I feel with you, yeah

chorus
until you until you until you

I Want to Love Me

I glance into the mirror and I see all of the things that I don't like about myself...My nose is too big...I need to lose weight...I think my eyes might be crooked...I hate that gap in my teeth...My ears are SO big...My hair is so frizzy...

And then I stop...I love the way my nose has that little bunny rabbit effect...I love the color of my eyes...I love when I laugh...even though I lose my eyes...It reminds me that I'm happy...that I am ejoying life...I love my ears...and how I am great at listening to what people have to say...

If I take a deeper look...I love what I see even more...I love the fact that I love with all that I am...How I always only have to learn a lesson once for it to stick...that I try not to be judgemental and that I love give of myself...I am a pretty selfless person...I want to teach others how amazing their lives are...they have no idea what they have been given...

As much as I tend to get down on myself...I'm a pretty amazing person...I think I might even be kinda cute...haha...but seriously...I love who I am...I love that I can make people laugh...I think it might be my job...I love that God created me so differently than other people...I am glad that I am not like other people...I love that I am unique...and I know that God is ready to do something amazing...

I love me...at least...I'm learning to love me...and I want to love me...

Girls Are of the Devil and Those That Aren't Are Bipolar

Now that I have bashed on the opposite sex I feel as though it is only my duty to reveal the fact that females are just as much to blame...LADIES: STOP PLAYING GAMES!!! If you don't like a guy...stop flirting with him...if you aren't sure...back off...make sure...then either pursue it...or STOP!!!

GRRR!!!

You know...we have this habit of sending mixed signals...if you know for sure that you don't want something to happen with a guy right now (I'm not talking about down the road...I mean right now at this point in time) then don't say things that would make him think he has a chance...I hate when girls say things to guys and they are like...oh I could see us together...or I don't think it would be bad if we hung out more...or whatever the heck people say...MAKE UP YOUR MIND ALREADY!!!

If you think you are one of the good ones...and any guy would be lucky to have you...don't just settle for that any guy...God has bigger things out there...

GOSH!!! Girls are morons too...and why...I mean...why do we pull the jealousy card...why is it that we don't want a guy until we can't have him...or someone else is about to have them...that is so stupid...back off...let the other people just be...something else will come along...I swear!!!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

Ok...I think I am done with my second ranting of the night...

It will all be over soon...

grrr...

Boys Are Stupid Throw Rocks At Them

So this is what I decided...just now...guys are idiots...the first guy I dated broke up with his girlfriend and then started dating me...I didn't realize that if he did that to her then there was a good chance that if something better came along then he would leave me in a heartbeat...I remember when he broke my heart...I thought it was the end of the world...I look back now and realize it was only a bump in the road...He used me...we used each other...and in the end I got hurt...because he didn't have the nerve to tell me the truth...GUYS: TELL HER THE TRUTH!!! If you don't like her...and you think she's into you...don't lead her on...just tell the poor girl...she'll get over it...I promise...If you don't want to be with her anymore...tell her...she can find someone better...I swear...

Then there were the guys in college...they were such idiots...if you like me...or think there could be an interest...just tell me...so what if I think there is no chance...at least you would know...there is probably a possibility that if you like her...she might like you back (what a novel concept)...GUYS: DON'T PLAY GAMES!!! Mind games are stupid...if your not sure...back off...and make up your mind...grrr...these things are not that difficult...

GUYS: DON'T FEED HER LINES!!! If you say something just because you think it's what she wants to hear...STOP!!! Tell the truth...if you don't like something...tell her...

GRRRRR!!!!!

And you know...another thing...stop complaining...there are plenty of amazing girls out there...so what, if the girl you thought was so amazing ends up being a punk...move on...and if you go back to her after everything she's put you through then you deserve what you get...I just don't understand that...the girl rips your heart out...steps on it a hundred times...and then you are like...please take all of these broken pieces...Why do you want to be with someone who hurt you like that? Maybe it is because I have never been in love that would make me not understand this misguided logic...BUT COME ON!!! Did I miss something...was there a class I was supposed to take...on male idiocy...because that would have been some good stuff to know...

GRRR!!!

I honestly don't know why this all came over me all of the sudden...but it did...I hate guys...and I thank GOD that I am not in a relationship...They are complete morons and there are only a few I still have some faith in...

Just so you know who you are...Josh...Cheese...and Bobby...I still love you and respect you a lot...oh and Bruce will probably read this and should not be lumped with these jerks...he's one of the few good men...Oh...and Shawn too...he's still kind of amazing...even though he might be able to take some advice...he's definatley not among the group labled JERK!!!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

This is What It's All About

It has taken me several years to get to the place I am now...Where I actually enjoy who I am...where I am going...what I am doing...I remember when I was a child...My faith was so strong...I believed (and still do) that God was my everything...and that my purpose in life is to live like Christ...I was such a little warrior...such a vessel...always fighting the good fight...I wanted nothing more than to give everything to God...and never hold back...He was my everything...my all in all...

As I grew up I maintained this mind frame...always giving of everything I had...everything I was...I was a prayer warrior...and fighter...I enjoyed nothing more than allowing myself to soak in the presence of God...One of the most amazing times was when I was in high school and I literally felt as though I were in the river of God...it was so amazing to feel as though the water of God were rushing around me...and then there was the time I saw the angel...That was amazing...you might think I'm crazy...and maybe I am...but I truly believe that I was allowed to see the supernatural at work...to watch as a prayer warrior in the heavenlies prayed with me in my earthly form...God was with me then...He's still with me now...and I know that He is longing for a deeper walk with me...that He wants to take me to a new place...and I am looking foward to it...

When I was 20 years old I made a bold...no...stupid...mistake...I put 10 pills in my hand and I placed them in my mouth...I swallowed them as though they were the pain that I could never seem to get rid of...as though they were the years of failure that I couldn't seem to shake...I took them and I hoped that I would die...I prayed for death...I prayed that I would go to sleep and never wake up...God had other plans...He woke me up...He pumped my stomach...He wasn't done with me yet...

I look back on that time and I know that God must have kept me around for a reason...I know that He has to have something big in store for me...and I know that the enemy isn't ready and willing to just let me do it....Recently the biggest distraction has been this whole relationship thing...I want to be in that relationship so bad...and I keep feeling as though evey year is going to be the year...maybe this next year I will go into things thinking that this is NOT going to be the year...that it is not at all what God has for me...and maybe when that is the case it won't be so hard when it comes to the end of next year...I am really actually liking that idea...WOW!

I am so excited to see what all lies ahead of me...what all is coming up...God is doing something amazing...be a part of it...don't let the things around distract you...God is ready...are you...???

IT BEGINS!!!

Going For It

This week has been CRAZY! Life in general has been that way for me for quite some time. I don't know...for some reason I feel as though I just can't get a grasp on what I am supposed to be doing right now...I want to accomplish all that God has for me...and yet I feel as though I am at a standstill...where nothing is as important as it should be...I don't know why I am just having a such a hard time with this...but for some reason I don't feel as though I am doing enough...

God has called me to be differnt...set me apart...I don't know why...but he doesn't have the same plan for me as he does for most...I think maybe it is time I start going hard after what God wants me to do...that I need to drop everything that is holding me back...this crazy internet...movies...television...and even my desires for a relationship...all of these things I believe are keeping me from accomplishing the will of God...I think I need to take a break...take everything that I have held up...needs to be broken...I need to be broken...I need to let God take all that I am...everything that I am...

I am tired of living my own life...I want to give it all to God...to forget the world...and live seperately...I have always been different...the one that was there...not really fitting in...but always being loved...I just think it's time for me to take this all seriously...it's time for me to stop worrying and start living...I am excited for what God has in store for me...and if He chooses to send along an amazing man...that would be cool...but if He doesn't...I think I'm finally ok with that...

Hold On...

This weekend has been an amazing ride...I think everyone who has been with me would agree that it has been long and full of ups and downs...but every moment has been worth it...I have gained friends and made stronger bonds with those I already knew...My life will be different after this event and I know it...It has been AMAZING! I pray that it has had a lasting impact on those who saw it and those who were involved...

Now...because this is a topic I so frequently visit...Yesterday I was talking to Terry G about the whole relationship thing...and how I am completely fine with where I am...I know God is going to bring me an amazing man...I don't have to worry about anything and that is one of the best things in the world...but...(don't you just love the buts?) with my sister's future wedding looming...I can't help but think about things like that...and then I had a revelation...the whole...Megan getting married before me...kinda mirrors the whole dog vs. cat thing...I'm not going to go into detail about that...because it's not necessary...but it kind of opened my eyes to why I am having such a hard time with it...why this nagging feeling has continued to gnaw at me...Terry G...thanks for being so amazing...for listening to me...I love you!

Let's see...besides that...there is always guy confusion...grrr...I hate boys...they are so dumb...That's all I am going to say about that...

My life is a treasure that has been given to me...and I am blessed to be so loved...This weekend has been a great ride...and I can't wait to see what all God has for the rest of this year...and the one to come...

Serendipity

A turn of events...something happens and you realize that everything is going to turn out ok...you are going to be ok...life is going to give you another chance...another chance to live each day to the fullest...to give each person another chance...to love with everything that you are...

I never want to be the person who doesn't look at the best in everyone I see...maybe that makes me naive...maybe that makes me foolish...but I'm ok with that...I love who I am and I refuse to apologize for me...I might be crazy...and most people don't understand me...they look at me as though I've lost my mind...and I smile...because I'm smarter than they realize...I love that when I make a statement people think that I am such an idiot...but I think that there is some small satisfaction in knowing that I am a little wiser than anyone could even begin to imagine...maybe I shouldn't dumb myself down...oh well

I guess...today's ramblings are very much that...ramblings...My mind is full and my heart is overflowing...I just love where my life is going...I know that there are times when I don't know what is going on and it bothers me that I can't see a lot of what is going on...but I know that God has me in His hand and things are going to be amazing...He has big plans for me..I can't wait to see what they are...

Be praying for this weekend...we are having our Christmas musical and things are beginning to come together but we still have a ways to go...

I'll keep you posted...
Jess

My Life is Amazing

Yesterday I stood in front o my class and told them that I love my job, I love what I do, and I love every single one of my students...but they were making it very hard for me to love my job...and I don't want to hate my job...there are enough teachers out there who feel that way...I truly do love my life...my job...and my students...

Over Thanksgiving break I realized that my students are my life...well that and my best friend was in TN the whole week and I was bored out of my mind...I told her dad last night that he is not allowed to ever take her away from me that long ever again...It was way too long and it made me very sad...LOL

Besides that though...I was thinking last night...I have nothing to complain about...I have a great family and amazing friends...I have a wonderfull job and people who love me...I can't believe that I have spent the last week being all down and out...there are several reasons why, but I shouldn't let those things bring me down...I want everyone to be able to be able to be as content as I am right now...even that one thing that I always complain about isn't going to drag me down right now...I love life...

My life is amazing...

Thank God For Unanswered Prayers...

...remember when you're talking to the man upstairs
just because He doesn't answer, doesn't mean he don't care
some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers...

This year began with fasting and a list of prayer requests...On the top of that list was the desire for God to send my sister and I a Godly man...my personal request was that God would either send me a man or help me be content with being single...I've floated back an forth through thinking I had been given someone...to being content with where God has me...

The year started off with someone asking me out on a date...totally and completely unexpected and even somewhat delightful...and then...in the middle of all of that...I had another guy who suddenly showed interest...and here I thought that God was answering my prayer...a good Christian man who was cute and funny...and I was looking forward to the possibility of a relationship...I felt things that I had never felt before...and then...that fell through...my heart hurt...and then there was nothing...no one...

Somehow it was ok...I felt completely content with where I was...and where I was going...I loved every bit of my life...everything that was my life was amazing...And then I started my new job and life became even better...My students are my life...and I love my life...thus...I love my students...Everything was and pretty much still is amazing...

Then...there was this amazing guy...who was an amazing friend...we were spending lots of time together...more time than I spent with any other guy...and I began to think there was something more...and finally...when I had more than I could take...I brought it up...he then made me feel like a complete idiot for even thinking that he could like me...even though I felt completely horrible...it was amazingly liberating...

Since then...I have taken a step back...I want something to happen, but as I talked to a guy I know last night...he made me realize...that maybe God isn't saying no...He's just saying not right now...I know that He has something amazing out there for me...and I am ready to wait...I'm ready...

I just know that there has to be a reason...and someday I will know what that is...until then...I'll just be content...

I'm Smiling Again

I know that things are going to be alright...I'm smiling...and I just wanted you to know...I love that my life is where it is...even though there are things...unexplainable things...that have been pulling me down...I wish I could explain to people what has been going on...but I don't know how...

Don't worry about me though...everything is fine...I'm just going to have to take it easy...I feel wonderful...I just feel a little out of it...it could be the meds that I am on...but I just wanted you to know that you don't have to worry...I'll be fine...

Love ya...
Jess

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

Is it possible that Disney has forever ruined my concept of romance? A young girl falls in love with a dashing young man and they live happily ever after. Has Hollywood tainted my perception of relationships? This guy does this to get with that girl and that girl doesn't want to be with that guy and they all use each other to try and get what they want. I remember one time, I was watching The Wedding Planner, and at the end of the movie one of my friends said "Why can't that happen to me?" I sat there and thought about all of the stuff that the character Mary went through...she found her fiance making out with someone else the night before her wedding...her mother died when she was younger...she threw herself into her job...she lived a very lonely life...and then she ends up falling in love with someone else's fiance...almost married a guy she didn't love and then...finally...she ended up with Steve. She went through a lot of crap to get to that happy ending...

And when you think about it...in Disney movies...it's the same way...they have to go through so much in order to get the happy ending...which in reality...isn't an ending at all...but a new beginning...We don't know what happens to Cinderella after she and the prince ride off into the sunset...We watch these movies and then blame them for our misconceptions...but if we paid attention we would realize that they are just llike us...messed up...afraid of never finding someone...and realizing that all of the crap was worth it for all of the moments of happiness to come...

I guess I've just been thinking about this a lot...I want my prince charming to come and sweep me off my feet...and all of the crap that I've gone through will difinately be worth it when he comes into my life...but I don't want to be a helpless heroine...I want to be an active part of my story...

I pray continually for the man out there strong enough to be with me...He'll definately have to love me despite who I am...but I think he will be up to the challenge...I can't wait until God directs our paths...to meet with each other...and to live happily ever after (ok...that line is a bunch of something...LOL)

In Pursuit

This weekend has had plenty of ups and downs...God is stretching me and the enemy is attacking me...Tonight I sat crying...talking to a friend about how much I hate satan...I hate his lies...and I hate how easy it is to believe them...God has given me so much...and I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made...

I love this quote...

..Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others...
~ Maryanne Williamson

I don't want to play small anymore...I want to accept the fact that God has called me to be different...I don't want to be sad about now belonging...I want to rejoice in the fact that God has set me apart...Mike said something on Sunday night that is now sticking with me...one day I will find the man that will see me for all that I am and will love every bit of it...and I know that God has that person out there...this weekend has taught me that it could be closer than I think and that I have to let God continue to be in control...

I want to be pursued...I want someone to chase after me...to send me a hundred daisies and love my crazy ways...I will passionately pursue God as I want to be pursued and I know that He will allow things to begin fall into place...

I Hate Life Like...Woah!

Well...I don't really hate life. I just wish I understood things better than I actually do. Things have been so great and then all of the sudden I have a crash and burn and things are horrible again. This weekend has been a total downer for me...I hate that I get this sad and depressed...it makes me MAD! I just get so frustrated...and even more so when I can't explain to people what is wrong with me...I know what's wrong...I truly do...I just don't know how to tell other people so they actually understand why it's wrong...

Last night our college and career group had a progressive dinner...and while this should have been a great time full of fun...I just feel so out of place...I told my friend Justin the other day...I am stuck between two worlds...My friends are either all in college or all married...I have no one in between...and because of that I usually get left out of both worlds and then I belong nowhere...this might sound like one huge pity party...and maybe it is...but this is where I am right now...Even when I am surrounded by people I feel completely alone...

Why can't I just find a place where I belong? I've always been out of place...I've never been able to fit in to a place where I belong...I just stick out...I am born to be different...I should rejoice in my uniqueness...

God has given me this to carry for a reason...and I know that...He wants me to stand strong in the person that I am...and I am trying!!! This weekend has just been so hard...I want to belong...but I don't want to change...I love who I am...I just wish I felt like I belonged...Maybe someday I will find the place where I fit...until then I guess I will just be a square peg in a round hole...

I Love Life Like...Woah!

So this week has been pretty much like every other week, but for some reason I am simply in love with life right now. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I am falling hopelessly back in love with God. I feel like I am right where I need to be and that He is only going to take me to new levels in where I am going.

I've had drama practice the last few weeks and that has been amazing! I can't wait until our play! I love to act, and I love to act silly. This has been such an amazing time and I am excited to see the fruits of this labor. I am also just thankful that I get to be a part of this.

Besides that I am kinda crushing right now...and I kinda like it, kinda don't...My friend Suzie and I were talking today...you know...guys always say it's the girl that is confusing...but they are the ones who won't just come out and say what they want, or don't want, as the case may be. I just wish I knew...I wish I could somehow crack the code and that everything would just make sense...but it doesn't and so I continue to wonder...but it's worth it, because it really is just plain fun to like someone as much as I like this one...

I don't know why I got a sudden burst of happy, but I did...and wanted to share it with all of you before I headed to bed...I love you all so very much!

Jess

So Sick...

Oh my goodness...yesterday was one of the worst days ever!!! I woke up feeling queasy. On my way to work I kept thinking...wow...I feel gross. I got to school and was talking to the teacher that I do duty with and was telling her about it and she looks at me and says "there could be other reasons for it" insinuating that I might be pregnant...I just said no...that wasn't an option...

Through 2nd period I started feeling worse and worse...then it happened...the class change came and I was standing at the door...the kids kept asking me what was wrong, but I felt as though if I opened my mouth I would puke...BOY WAS I RIGHT!!!

I tried to make it to the trash can, but it just didn't happen. It went everywhere...it was gross and disguting and absolutely NASTY!!! It was in my hair, on my clothes, and all over the floor. I was so embarrassed...I thought that I was going to die...Then all day yesterday I felt gross...I got home took a shower and went to bed...It was a rough day...I made it through...and hopefully I am completely over it! Anyways...for those of you who were there and got to watch me...we are closer now than I ever wanted to be...

What a Weekend!!! 7/11 Anyone???

I took Friday off to go to the doctor. Nothing's wrong just needed a check up...and they put me on some medication...I then went to lunch with my friend Kyle...we had a good time...got to catch up with each other...then I went and watched him buy a tv...now he's poor and I don't know that we can be friends anymore...(just kidding Kyle!!!) When I left him I went to dinner with Dan...and made him go to Victoria's Secret with me...oh goodness...good thing he's my favorite...and I'm HIS favorite or he might not ever speak to me again...

On Saturday I had class and then I had drama practice...And then...Matt kept calling me...wondering if I was going to the hockey game...I was not looking forward to going by myself...so I asked Kyle to go with me and he was kind enough to oblige...I then had three teenage girls who all wanted to go see the guys...IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!!! I mean I totally got lost like a hundred times...but it was the greatest trip ever! We laughed so much and then we saw this demonic cat...oh my goodness...it got hit and then it was still alive...oh my goodness!!! When we finally got to Denny's it was fun and the drive home was good...but I had fun with the girls...Katie and Alyssa...you guys rock! Don't forget that there is only about two 7/11's in New Port Richey but we passed them at least 30 times...

I had a blast...a memory I will never forget!!!

God is So Cool

I know that God is good and that He loves me more than anything. It's just that there are days when He gives you a small glimpse at how big He really is. Today on my way home from work I was driving and the nearly empty light came on and I tried to stop for gas, but the place I stopped was out of gas...and so I prayed and my tank went up to a quarter of a tank...how crazy is that...Seriously I was floored by what God can do. It just made me think how cool He is!

Beyond that I am slowly fading into an oblivion. I am struggling to keep my head above the water and feel as though I am drowining. I hate these times when I lose control. More than anything I wish I could regain what little footing I usually have. My life is good and I have nothing to complain about, but there is just something that is trying to eat away at the person I am...I don't know what's wrong with me. I'll be ok, but I wish I were handling things better...My tears are driving me crazy!

GOD IS STILL GOOD!!!

Why Does Love Equal Sex?

Now I don't believe this. In fact, I truly believe that love is better than sex any day. I'm not talking about the physical satisfaction you get from making love (which I have yet to experience), but I am talking about knowing at the end of the day that you didn't give someone something that you can never get back. Sex only lends us temporary satisfaction, when heartbreak stays with us for years.

I found this excerpt from Relevant Magazine and I felt like the author totally had been where I have been:

"I am aware at the most inconvenient of times that my motley mix of sentiments does not lend itself to easy decision making. Like when my young and virile body says yes, yes, yes and my cautious and convicted mind says no, no, no. Like when the candle is lit and his arms just feel so good, and I would love nothing more than to show him just how much he means to me because words will no longer do. Like when he's sitting two feet away, and I somehow have to muster up the courage to admit to us both that conviction trumps libido, and I will not be sleeping with him tonight, tomorrow or any day between now and matrimony. I simply can't take that risk, because I haven't found a condom strong enough to hold back my tender heart from fusing itself to his irrevocably. Furthermore, I don't want to.

But tonight the mood is right and we have to make a decision, or the decision will make us. I try to avoid his ocean eyes so as to not throw my life preserver to the sharks and willingly sink into their depths until I am little but a foregone conclusion. There is no earthly way, I realize, that we will be able to reach a conclusion that satisfies us both—in the emotional and the carnal sense. S-E-X turned out to not be such a small word after all.

There's simply no earthly way.

And then I remember …

I am not of this earth. My body is not my master. I am not meant to drift aimlessly through the landscape of indecision in a bewildered stupor. I am meant to run free, and when the weight of the world starts to drag my feet down, I am meant to cast all my cares on God, for He cares for me and is able to sustain me (Ps. 55, 1 Peter 5). There is no earthly way I can reconcile my twentysomething-year-old hormones with my ageless faith. But there is a Godly way, or He would not be God. After all, He invented sex, you'd think He'd be willing to help us figure it out. And He will—that's just the kind of guy He is.

Now that's the kind of risk from which I don't need a condom to protect me."

I thank God that I am made in His image and that He gave me life and love. I want to be in love more than anything in the world, but I am scared. Scared that I will not let God have control. Scared that I will be hurt again. I guess more than anything right now I just want to love without holding back. I want to just let God have complete control! It will be perfect, I just know it!

My Beautiful Weekend

This weekend has been amazing on so many levels. I woke up yesterday morning to what I thought was my alarm clock, but it was my phone. Scott Eric Dent was calling to wake me up and tell me that he was in town. I was so excited! I got to spend time with him and some of his youth group. It always makes me happy when I get to see him because he has been such a big part of my life. I was sad that Amanda wasn't there though, but being about to bust with Riley (the new addition to the Dent clan) she wasn't up for the travel. I can't believe that he is going to have two children...CRAZY!!!

Besides that I got to see my best friend in the entire world! She came in and so we went to dinner and then she went with me to the homecoming game. Then she got to meet Dan, Justin and Rebekah. This made my whole life seem very exciting. It's almost as if two worlds became one last night and it was great!

Today was so AMAZING! I spent pretty much the entire day with Rebekah and we went shopping and she was patient with me. Even when I got tired and cranky she still put up with me. I love that girl. If she reads this then she should know that she's amazing...not me...LOL And boy does that girl know more than she wants to. I love her!

Tonight was crazy wild. It is probably a good thing that I was homeschooled...LOL Those kids were going at it. I think it made me want to have a boyfriend even more, for so many reasons, but mostly because I want someone to make out with...LOL

I love those kids...they were so awesome! Each and everyone of them looked like they were having fun, minus the drama of course...

Well it is almost 1 am and I am about about wiped...

Until later
Jess

To End a Day in Tears

Oh goodness...today I was so stressed out! This morning something that I guess I never really imagined happened in my class room...I can't even tell you what actually happened...all I know is that when it was all said and done I had two students who were on the ground throwing punches at each other...I thought that I was going to cry! In fact I think I almost did! Actually I did...just not in class...I waited until I was on my way home...

Boy was that an experience...at least now I know what that's like. Someone asked me if I got in there and split it up...and I said they were crazy! It happened and the rest of my day wasn't exacly the best but it was better than the beginning...of course then I got home and thought that I was going to die because I wasn't done with my homework and so I did as much as I could but I couldn't get it done and so I was in tears on the way to class...and then I get there...and we didn't even have homework due for the night...GRRRR!!!

Anyways...something I realized today...I love my life...and I love my friends...truly I can't imagine what my life would be like without you guys...You make my life worth living...I mean God is the reason I'm here...but you are definately the reason God put me here...You are each amazing and I thank you for being a part of my life!

Love ya!

Quotes on Love

Here are some quotes that make me smile...and some that make me want to cry...

We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love. ~Unknown

Love is being stupid together. ~Paul Valery quotes

'You'll get over it...' It's the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not erased by anyone but death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit. Why would I want them to? ~Unknown

It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them. ~Agatha Christie

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays. ~Unknown

Love is when you shed a tear and still want him, it's when he ignores you and you still love him, it's when he loves another girl but you still smile and say I'm happy for you, when all you really do is cry. ~Unknown

Love that we can not have is the one that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest... ~Unknown

The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along.
~Jalal ad-Din Rumi

Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable. ~Bruce Lee

I try to talk to you, but I don't know what to say. I am afraid you don't want me to say anything. So I don't. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out.And tell you how I feel-like how I miss you. And how I love you despite my broken heart.And how I need you in my life. And especially how much I want you.But those words may forver stay in my heart-locked inside.Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside you too... but I'll never know. ~Unknown

My Day...and Other Stuff

So today hasn't been the best day ever...I mean it wasn't horrible on the scale of fabulous to sucks...but it wasn't the greatest. I mean, I love my job, but today was one of those days where I had to remind myself that I love what I do and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Have you ever just had a day where one thing puts a kink in all that you do...well that's what happened to me this morning...I was going about my business...ready to start class...the students won't stop talking and write their journals and then I start with a lesson on comma splices...and BAM I have this kid who asks why we are doing this...I couldn't be like...because your papers sucked and we need to fix these problems...who cares whether or not they were the rough drafts (because that is the excuse that I got)...the chance that you will make the same mistake on your final paper as you did in your rough draft is pretty good...GRRRR!!!

Not that the rest of my day was bad...it's just that I let that one thing bother me...it still is bothering me...I just need to get over it and let it go...I want my students to want to learn...but I know that that is asking a lot...I love my students...all of them...even the ones that give me a headache...I love my job...what I do is my life...I know that God put me in this place for a reason...and someday maybe these kids will look back and think...wow...Ms. B really cared a lot about us...

I am tired and really need to grade papers, but I am procrastinating because I really want to go to bed early and wake up on time...

Besides all of that my life is pretty much the same...I am trying not to think of wanting to be in a relationship, because as much as I deny it...it is truly what I want...someday my prince will come...right? Who knows...maybe I will just be alone...and I need to be ok with that...I think that right now single sets well with me...I am holding out for a Wentworth Miller...Someone tall...dark...HOT...and highly intelligent...did I mention HOT? Ok guys...I love you...

Jess

Oh I Hate Tears

So...my life has been great recently...I actually love my life...feel like I am going in the right direction, feel like my life is finally as it should be...Then last night I cried so hard...I hate crying...it makes me feel as though the world has won and I have lost complete control...

How is it that I can go from feeling as though everything is as it should be to feeling so very miserable? I was praying today as I was driving and I began to think that I am being hit where it hurts the most. It's like this...all summer I've been great with the no relationship thing, I'd even felt as though I had totally given this part of my life to God...notice the past tense there...? Well I guess the last few weeks it has been on my mind and my heart and I have just let it get the better of me...I cried so hard last night...crying to God, "When is it going to be my turn?"

Now I know that I am not old...I have plenty of time left...but as Rebekah and I were talking about today...I finally feel as though I am right where I need to be in life...I don't know what else I need to do to be ready for God to give me someone...I have waited and I have been so good...why is it that I just can't find someone to love me? That's all I want...someone that loves me...who won't look at me like I am crazy even though I am...I just feel as though I am never going to find someone...and there will always be someone out there that they would rather be with...and I hate when the enemy deals such a low blow...

I just don't want it to hurt...I want to truly seek God and I know that this is only a distraction...I want to give Him my all...because I know that He has something amazing out there for me...something truly special...better than anything I have ever imagined...Just keep me in your prayers when you think about it...I know that a breakthrough is coming...IT BEGINS!!

I'm In Love (2nd Edition)

So tonight when I was in the shower I was thinking about what I wrote...While all still holds true i forgot to mention that beyond loving my life...there is also the love of my life...Jesus Christ! WOW!!! He is simply amazing...Recently I have had several people tell me that I have been on their mind...and that they have been praying about me...which is so cool by the way...

Wednesday night Mrs. Davis told me that she really felt that God wanted me to read Psalm 20...While I wasn't putting it off I just kept forgetting to do it...yesterday morning I got out my Message Bible and turned to Psalm 20...My favorite part is when it says "an answer's on the way, everything's going to work out." How amazing is that? God has answers out there for me and they are coming my way...every prayer that I have cried out to Him this year is in the process of being answered...I love how He works...

It is late and I am wired because I can't stop thinking about what God is doing in my life...He is so amazing and I take Him for granted so often. I am in the middle of a fast and I continue to think how this should be an ongoing thing...I feel more focused on Him and not so much on me...I am seeing the things I am thankful for and I am letting Him take away all my stress

I serve an amazing God...He continues to work in and through me...do not give up...do not back down from the call that God has placed on you life...He is getting ready to do NEW things...IT BEGINS!!!

I'm In Love

Today I was posting a comment on a friend's page it I told her that I am in love with my life. I can't believe how blessed I have been to have to opportunities that God has given me. I truly love everything that my life holds at the moment.

There are days when things don't go perfectly. I was sad yesterday, so sad in fact that I almost cried. I was sad because I had let my feelings get hurt over something that wasn't even a big deal, and then there's the guy issue. I truly feel as though I've gone back to my old way of thinking...the way in which all I do is think about being single and that I will never find the one...I would love to think that I have met the right guy...and I know that people say...when you know...you know...but I just want it to happen...

Who knows...let's change the subject...

IT BEGINS!!!

God is getting ready to do something big and now I can't wait to see where He is taking me...

PRAISE GOD!!!

Let's Talk About...

Boys...I was skimming through a book of mine entitled "Lady in Waiting" and began to read the underlined or highlighted sections of the chapters. I realized what I have been saying the last few months...that I am happy/content with being single. As I sat there looking through that book I reminded myself that I still feel that way. I enjoy being single, knowing that God is shaping my story. I love that He has my plan in His hand and that I don't have to worry about it at all. Looking at that book though, I also realized that I haven't matured much in my outlook on relationships. I read the book when I was a junior in college and here I am five years later and have little difference in the way I handle relationships. I would love to be involved in a mature relationship where things seem to have high functionality. Not that I can't, but I don't know that I am doing very well at the whole acting mature thing.

I don't know if this is due in part to the fact that I've never really had a mature relationship, and while i have been in relationships I don't know how valid I would count them. I have decided that I am just going to refocus on my happiness, the love of my job, and life today. I will stop looking to the possibliity of a relationship, and will refocus on my relationship with Christ.

I am still excited about life, about where I am headed and about where I am at. I know that God is in charge of this whole possible relationship thing, or lack thereof...and I will just let Him have control...I will just mess things up...Who knows what's in store...

Another Day

So life goes on now much as it always has...I love my life still...and I am in love with my job...I guess there are bad days, but I get through them without much problem. I love everything that I am going through right now...I am amazed at how great God is...and all that He is doing in my life. I can't wait to see where He is taking me...I know that there is so much more going on in my life that He must have control over...

I am not confused at the moment, but I am interested in seeing what is going to happen in my life...One day God is going reveal everything to me and it will all make sense...

I don't really have all that much to write these days...what with a life that is full of beauty and peace...my blogs of turmoil are obsolete...not that I am complaining...in fact it gives me great satisfaction...I can't wait to see what God is doing in my life...

Life as it Should Be

Each day goes by giving me new challenges to face...and at the end of each day I feel as though I am exactly where I should be. God has done so much for me and I am so excited at where I am in my life that I can't imagine life any other way.

Yesterday we put an offer in on a house...and they accepted. We are moving to Bartow! I am so excited. God keeps placing one blessing after another in our lives. I love where I am at right now. I still love my job. Even the bad days are good. Teaching high school English is exactly what I should have been doing all along.

I pray that as each of you go through life you will latch on to the experiences that God gives you and that you would let the world know what a great God He is.

God is good and His mercy endures forever.

Love ya!
Jess

God's Blessings Pouring Over Me

Last night I was working on grading papers and going through the list of my students and I almost began to cry...not because I am overwhelmed, but because God has blessed me so richly...I love my job...so much so that I was almost in tears due to it...I think it funny how God brought me to a place I never thought that I would be...

This challenge that God has given me recently...I believe that it is to teach me growth...God has something big in store for me and I am ready and excited to see what happens...I am sad in some ways...you know how you can feel that doors are closing around you, and God is opening up new ones that you never even knew were there...I am so blessed to know that God is an answerer of prayers...He has answered so many this year and I am interested to see how He answers the others still being prayed...but I have learned that God is a God of perfect timing...He knows exactly when to do something...and exeactly when to hold back...

I pray that God grant me patience...and yes...that is a prayer for patience...I truly believe that God wants to stretch my patience...because I have always been a patient person, but I see more and more where I can grow in this area. I thank God so much for all that He has done, and all that He is going to do...Keep your heads up...one day you will wake up and say "I am in the will of God" and it will feel amazing...I know because I do this every day!

Jess